Chapter 8
"I brought you some white roses, I know how much you love them. I think I remember every second of everyday since you left…Is that possible?" He left the question in the air.
"Would it be incredibly selfish and childish of me if I said life was unfair and that I must've done something wrong to lose so much. I wanted to be strong, so incredibly strong for you because I know that's what you'd want. But I can't. Sometimes the pain is so much I have to turn up the music loud to blaze all thoughts of you away. I will never do that again, I promise. I thought the last few months would’ve been a blur and that I could have found something to keep me occupied, to keep me thinking of anything but the day you left but I found nothing. I remember each day from the last 12 months, my only solace my dreams, memories of you and I." He was sobbing a bit, trying to hold himself together. Throughout the year he dreamed of V. Sometimes the dream would be memories of times they spent together and other times, they would be dreams of her. She would sometimes be walking in a beautiful garden, bare foot, the wind blowing through her hair and her long dress. Other times he would see her painting, but every night this Christmas, he dreamed of their time together last Christmas.
~ If I could put you on top of a cake,
I would ice you and keep you wrapped in a box to be near you.
If I could I would. ~
"I never knew silence could be so deafening. I sometimes sit and think of you and I hear nothing. I see your face as if you were a kaleidoscope… you being happy, sad, angry until it all melts together and I can no longer see you. I still sometimes wake up and for a split second forget that you're gone. I’m afraid that I'll forget something we shared. I'm afraid that someday I'll forget something you've said, the way you smelled, the perfume you wore. What if I forget? We're all bound to forget something someday and that terrifies me. If I ever forget the slightest thing about you, I want you to know I didn't mean to." He was openly crying now, a wave of guilt coming over him. There were days when it became longer to remember something V said when they were having a conversation about anything insignificant and it terrified him, that those small gaps would become bigger until he would someday forget a conversation altogether.
~ If I could touch you again with my fingers so gently.
If I could feel you, breathing in time next to me.
But the silence surrounds me,
flashing memories of you riding with the moon that night.
I never had the chance to say goodbye.
Goodbye. ~
"I bet you're a beautiful angel, at least I hope…I hope," he said looking upward but then shaking his head slightly. He wasn’t a deeply religious person, but it was becoming more and more difficult for Jax to believe in anything. There were days when he believed in nothing at all and lashed out at the very God he had a hard time believing in, but in the end it was his belief that comforted him and held him together.
"I don’t know how to live anymore. I know how to breathe. I know how to wake up and get dressed and go to work. I know how to say the right things, but I don’t how to live without you. You know after you told me you loved me, I thought that for the rest of my life, I would be able to handle anything that came my way. The world could crumble around me and I’d be okay, because I had you. You were my miracle." He would think of the last time he was in such grief, when Brenda died. He loved her also and there was a part of him that would always love her. It was never about quantity. It was never about whom he loved more. He loved them differently. He learned from his love for Brenda, things that he’d remember always, things he’d carry with him always, things that enabled him to love again. Things that led him to V and in V’s heart he had found the other half of his soul.
"For the rest of my life, I will be grateful for being on that road when you pulled me over. My grief at the time led me to you and I will forever feel blessed for having you in my life. Sometimes I get so angry. I’m grateful and resentful at the same time. I lost you, but I did have you. I did experience a love like no other."
~ Lost forever.
Lost to another world.
Gone forever, but remembered in our thoughts you are. ~
"Sometimes, I can't get the image of you in the morgue bruised and hurt out of my head. The very idea that you suffered, that you hurt, that you could've cried out in pain and terror paralyzes me. I can barely breathe thinking of it. Why didn't you go and stay home V? Why?" According to a homeless man outside of the Outback he saw V enter the building, but she came back out and stood outside looking out at the snow. He had drifted to sleep and when he woke, he no longer saw her, he assumed she had gone back into her apartment.
"You should have known better, you use to be a cop! If only you would’ve stayed”, he yelled, mentally and physically exhausted. It didn't matter how many ways he thought of it in his head, he could never change the outcome and despite it being futile, his mind could never stop thinking of ‘What ifs’.” He wiped away his tears and cleared his throat.
"I miss you, he said wiping the area beneath his eyes. I love you… beyond my last breath, I’ll love you."
~ If I could open the heavens above,
I’d be with you.
If I could hold you again in my arms,
I would tell you…that I love you. ~
He lightly touched the headstone before standing up and walking out of the graveyard. Sonny Corinthos was walking his way with a bouquet of flowers in hand. They nodded to each other briefly before Jax walked away. They had both lost so much that it seemed petty to argue over a past neither one could ever change. Sonny walked into the graveyard, stopping in front of V’s headstone, removing a flower from the bouquet in his hand and laying it next to Jax’s, before walking over to Lily.
It was the day before Christmas, and she was now putting up a Christmas tree. She convinced herself it was never too late to start celebrating Christmas. She thought it was the weather and the rush of the city that made her less inclined to get into the festive holiday mood. It was extremely hot and some people seemed to be in a bad mood. Shopping was no longer about giving people something from the heart, but seemed to be a duty now for many. She did everything in her power to change her dreary mood. She bought holiday music, decorated their outside door and small window and finally bought a Christmas tree. It was one of the plastic ones, but she was going to do her best to make it beautiful. She stood back a bit, putting a finger next to the small mole to the right of her chin, surveying what she had done. She wanted everything to be perfect for him when he came home. He wasn’t the sentimental type, but a part of her thought he would love the tree. She was a bit anxious. It was their first Christmas together and she wanted to make it special. She added another string of tinsel before bringing her hand to her collarbone absentmindedly.
To be continued…
“Silent World” by Donna Lewis on her CD “Now in a Minute.”