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***MAY 2020 NOTE: I created this website in 2001. It was the FIRST ever attempt to digitize and publish the book to the web as far as I knew back then. It has been unbelievable how this attempt and this page has caused so many reactions throughout the years, some for good and unfortunately bad. Personally, at the time, I had just started non-medicated therapy with a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). Within a few years I had outgrown my interest in the "Love Shy" label but I continued the website, albeit increasingly sparingly, in the hopes that other guys would follow my path and GET HELP.
I spent years in therapy but it was amazingly helpful in understanding how I got to where I was and showed me steps to get out. I'm haven't been, and am not, a perfect person, but the things I used to worry about when I started this up are things that I personally feel I have a decent handle on these days. However, I would say it was BECAUSE of my dedication to staying in therapy, to being as completely honest with myself and my therapist, that I was able to break out of the cycle. My intent for this website was to be a launchpad for men to get into therapy or to find help from someone who could because it inspired myself to do so. The book was like a guiding light for me to find help.
I NEVER meant for this page and its ideas to coalesce with the Incel movement that had been budding, unbeknownst to me, slightly before I had published this page. It has been so SAD to watch these initial attempts at trying to inspire men to find HELP get twisted by aggravated individuals who turned that aggravation into hate on women. It's so sad to have seen so many men turn to murder because of this idea that women are the problem. It's crazy that me publishing certain chapters of Dr. Gilmartin's book inadvertently gave fuel to the fire to this misogyny. The Yahoo group I created, which is now unfortunately defunct, was initially a place where guys could try to find help in dealing with these issues, not a place where men could hate on women. The hate for women never made sense to me because I wanted to be with a woman, not push them away. I always saw it was something that I needed to figure out; I needed to work on myself. For me that work meant therapy, non-medicated therapy. I needed to struggle and go through the pain but with someone to help me overcome.
I almost want to take this page down but for now I want to keep it up as a testament to what I was initially trying to accomplish, which was to inspire the men afflicted by these feelings to get the mental and emotional support that they need. At this point in my life I still advocate non-medicated therapy, particularly Family Therapy. I'm biased because that's the therapy that I went through but I really believe that the therapy that these guys need is reparative. I came to the conclusion that, for men, a lot of these feelings are caused by childhood neglect, not all emotional or mental abuse, but a certain form of subtle emotional inadvertent neglect from within the family.
If any guy is reading this, I encourage you to seek a LMFT for guidance if you have no one in your life that you can trust. I encourage you to find a therapist that you vibe with, that you really connect with, shop around. Stick with the therapy, don't quit, don't give into despair. The task is arduous, it may take years, but the truth is there. The help will come. I know, I've been there. ***

The following is the Table of Contents for the 600+ page book Shyness & Love: Causes, Consequences, and Treatment by Dr. Brian G. Gilmartin University Press of America, Inc. @1987 Since the book is currently out of print, it is quite hard to find in libraries. I would suggest looking for a copy in your local college library since that is where I found my copy. This website will be an ongoing attempt to create an on-line version of the book. It is an attempt to share in Dr. Gilmartin's hope "that it reaches as many afflicted people as possible." This is currently going on without the consent of Dr. Gilmartin or his publishers but hopefully will return some interest to the book itself. If they have any objections to this, they need only to contact me and ask to remove this webpage. Otherwise, feel free to e-mail me if you have any questions or would like to see a certain section put up. I will try to post sections when I can, starting with those that I've found most interesting. Finally, I do hope it helps those in need to understand their situation, as it has my own. Thanks goes out to Mike for helping type three sections. Justin Urban polepino@yahoo.com
***For those interested, you may join my Yahoo! Groups board. This is where you may discuss the findings of the book. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/loveshy_drgilmartin/ ___________________________________________________________________________________________ "This book is dedicated to the promotion of responsible free choice and self-determination-- something to which all human beings everywhere ought to be fully entitled." --Dr. Brian G. Gilmartin Shyness & Love: Causes, Consequences, and Treatment _________________________________________________________________________________
Table of Contents(pgs. ix - xviii)






Chapter 1:


















Chapter 2:




















Chapter 3:










Chapter 4:





Chapter 5:



















Chapter 6:
















Chapter 7:








Chapter 8:

















Chapter 9:










Chapter 10:


























Chapter 11:
















Chapter 12:








Chapter 13:











Chapter 14:










Chapter 15:


























Chapter 16:









Chapter 17:













Chapter 18:






Chapter 19:

















Chapter 20:




Chapter 21:


Chapter 22:




















Chapter 23:


































Chapter 24:




























Chapter 25:











Appendix I:

Appendix II:
Appendix III:
Acknowledgments .......................................................

List of Figures ..............................................................

Preface ........................................................................

INTRODUCTION ......................................................
    What is Love-Shyness? ............................................
     The Gender Factor .................................................
     Enlightened Self-Control versus Shyness ..................
     Love-Shyness is a Serious Problem .........................
        The Christopher Jencks Study .............................
        Studies in the Employment Sector ........................
        On Remedying Social Skill Deficits ......................
        Early Marriage versus Professional Success .........
        Dating and General Happiness .............................
        Love as a Powerful Elixir .....................................
        Premarital Virginity and Adjustment .....................
     Viewing Someone to Love as a Cure-All .................
     Normative Timetables of Self-Revelation .................
     Why This Book? .....................................................
     Love-Shyness Costs Society Money .......................
     Summary ................................................................
     Plan of the Book .....................................................

LOVE-SHYNESS AND THE NATURE VERSUS
     NURTURE DEBATE .............................................
     The Phenomenon of Inborn Temperament ................
     The Work of Hans J. Eysenck .................................
     Love-Shyness and the Inborn Anxiety
     Threshold ...............................................................
     The Importance of Social Stimulus Value .................
     The Work of Alexander Thomas .............................
     The Jerome Kagan Work ........................................
        Heart Rate Patterns ..............................................
        Long-Separated Identical Twins ...........................
     The Importance of Enzymes ....................................
        Enzyme Activity and Propitious Fetal
     Growth ...................................................................
        Painful Anxiety and Enzyme Neutralization ............
     Some Related Work on Depression ........................
     Suicide ...................................................................
     Anxiety Disease ......................................................
     Schizophrenia .........................................................
     Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders ............................
     Conclusions ............................................................
SOCIETAL REACTIONS AND ELASTIC LIMITS 
     The "Wish Bone Effect" ...........................................
     The Sociological Perspective ...................................
     Every Group Needs a Deviant .................................
     The Mentally Retarded as Analogous to the
     Shy .........................................................................
     The Jane Elliott Study ..............................................
        The Taking Over of a Role ...................................
        Dark Crayons and Drab Drawings ........................
     The "Appereceptive Mass" Concept ........................
     Conclusions ............................................................
ASTROLOGY AND REINCARNATION .................
     Astrological Factors ................................................
        How Astrology Is Believed to Work ....................
        The Present Research ..........................................
     Reincarnation ..........................................................
     Psychodormia .........................................................
HOW THE INFORMATION WAS OBTAINED .......
     Who Is "Love-Shy"? ................................................
     Why Study Men Only? ............................................
     The "Felt Deprivation" Concept ...............................
     Distinguishing Heterosexuals from
     Homosexuals ..........................................................
     The "Closet Heterosexual" Concept .........................
     The "Male Lesbian" Concept ...................................
     Three Samples Were Studied ..................................
        Sample Heterogeneity ..........................................
        Reliability .............................................................
     The Prevalence of Love-Shyness .............................
     How the Respondents Were Obtained .....................
        The Younger Love-Shy Men ................................
        The Socially Self-Confident Non-Shy Men ...........
        The SHI Inventory ...............................................
        The Older Love-Shy Group .................................
        The Commercial Dating Service ...........................
     The Importance of LOVE-Shyness .........................
     Summary ................................................................
LOVE-SHYNESS: ITS INTRAUTERINE
     BEGINNINGS .......................................................
     The East German Research .....................................
        Blood Testosterone ..............................................
        Relevant American Research Efforts .....................
     My Own Findings ...................................................
        Miscarriages and Stillbirths ...................................
        The Infant Mortality Issue .....................................
        The Pains of Giving Birth ......................................
        Premature Births and Caesarean Sections .............
        Painful Menopause ...............................................
     Love-Shys as Quiet Babies .....................................
     Mothers' Personalities .............................................
        Maternal Bashfulness During Pregnancy ................
        Mothers' Employment ..........................................
        Employment Among Mothers of Teenagers ...........
     The Issue of Prevention ...........................................
FAMILY COMPOSITION ........................................
     Brothers and Sisters ................................................
     The Mode of Standardization ..................................
        Interactions vis-a-vis Married People ...................
        Implications for Prevention ...................................
     The Only Child .......................................................
     Kinship Relationships ..............................................
     Quality of Parents' Marriages ..................................
     Conclusions ............................................................
PARENTS AS A CAUSE OF LOVE-SHYNESS ......
     Family Atmosphere .................................................
        Extent of Family Emotional Supportiveness ...........
        The Komarovsky Study .......................................
     Family Democracy ..................................................
     Mutual Sensitivity to Needs and Feelings .................
     "Milk" versus "Honey" .............................................
     Seriousness .............................................................
     Paternal "Sexy Anxiety" ...........................................
     Appearance of the Home ........................................
     Parental Overprotectiveness ....................................
     Negative Comparisons ............................................
     Forcing the Summer Camp Experience on
     Children ..................................................................
        Summer Camps as Torture Prisons .......................
        Homesickness ......................................................
     Parents and Inheritance ...........................................
     "Get Me a Goose!" .................................................
THE FAMILY AS A HOTBED OF RAGE AND 
     BELITTLEMENT ...................................................
     Temper and Rage ....................................................
     Spankings, Beatings, and Physical Abuse .................
        When People "Stop Behaving" ..............................
        Corporal Punishment's Negative
     Consequences .........................................................
     Persistent Belittlement and Ego Deflation ..................
     Argument Initiation ..................................................
     Doesn't All of This Contradict the Genetic
     Perspective? ...........................................................
LOVE-SHYNESS AND THE ALL-MALE PEER
     GROUP .................................................................
     The Key Importance for Dating of Friendship
     Networks ...............................................................
     The Harlow Research ..............................................
     The Polish Peasant ...................................................
     Bullying ...................................................................
     Frailness of Body Build ...........................................
     Inauspicious Introductions to the All-Male Peer
     Group .....................................................................
     Masculine Toys .......................................................
     The Baseball, Basketball, and Football
     Syndrome ...............................................................
        The "National Pastime" .........................................
        Basketball ............................................................
        The "Left Out" Syndrome .....................................
     Most People Know What Is In Their Best 
     Interests ..................................................................
     The Solution ............................................................
        Use of School Letters ...........................................
        Football: Should It Be Made Illegal? .....................
     Current Peer Group Interaction ...............................
        Discrepancy Between the Actual Self and the
     Ideal Self .................................................................
        Implications for Therapy .......................................
        "Society's Goal" ...................................................
        Friendship Networks and Happy Marriages .........
THE POWERFUL IMPACT OF PREADOLES-
     CENT INFATUATIONS ......................................
     The Paradox ...........................................................
     Social Supports ......................................................
     The Field of Roses Metaphor ..................................
     "Oh, Leave Him Alone; He's Still Got Plenty of
     Time!" ....................................................................
     The "Male Lesbian" State of Mind ...........................
     The Preadolescent Love Experience ........................
     Beautiful, Driving Obsessions ...................................
     A Preadolescent's Preference for a Sister .................
     The Principle of the Superordinate Goal ...................
     Love in the Middle Childhood Years .......................
     Self-Disclosure Inhibitions .......................................
     Media Inspired Love Infatuations ............................
     The Biochemistry of Falling in Love ........................
     Chapter Postscript .................................................
BEAUTY AND THE LOVE-SHY ..............................
     The Need for Beauty ..............................................
     The Love-Shy's Own Esthetic Attributes .................
     Beauty and the Older Love-Shys ............................
     Clothing .................................................................
     Cloning as a Future Option .....................................
     Hypnosis ................................................................
     Accentuating the Positive .........................................
     Summary ................................................................
THE SEXUAL LIVES OF THE LOVE-SHY ..............
     Masturbation ...........................................................
     Love-Shyness and Sexual Desire .............................
     Felt Deprivation Creates Preoccupation ...................
     Degree of Satisfaction with Sex Life .........................
     Sexual Values and Attitudes ....................................
     Moral Liberality versus Conservatism ......................
     Unusual Sexual Directionality ...................................
     Fending Off Unwanted Overtures ............................
     Being Misperceived as Homosexual .........................
     Being Misperceived by Homosexuals .......................
     On Envying Homosexuals ........................................
LOVE-SHYNESS AND THE CRIMINAL MIND .....
     Violent Fantasies .....................................................
     Bullying ...................................................................
     Similarity to Child Abusers ......................................
     Psychopathy ...........................................................
     Shoplifting ...............................................................
     Marijuana Use ........................................................
     Alcohol Use ............................................................
     Staring and Following ..............................................
     The Hinkley Case ...................................................
     Difficulties Concentrating .........................................
MEDICAL SYMPTOMS AND LOVE-SHYNESS ....
     Headaches ..............................................................
     Backaches and Back Trouble ..................................
     Bedwetting ..............................................................
     Weight Problems .....................................................
     Constipation and Diarrhea .......................................
     Problems of the Nose ..............................................
     Allergies ..................................................................
     Dry Mouth ..............................................................
     The Common Cold .................................................
     Reactive Hypoglycemia ...........................................
        Other Hypoglycemia Symptoms ............................
        Halitosis ...............................................................
        Hyperactive Salivary Glands .................................
        Hyperprespiration .................................................
        Depression ...........................................................
     Throat Clearing and Coughing ..................................
     Gas .........................................................................
     Eyeglasses ...............................................................
     Shortness of Stature ................................................
     Acne .......................................................................
     Insomnia .................................................................
     Stuttering .................................................................
     Buck Teeth .............................................................
     Hypochondria .........................................................
     Psychotherapy ........................................................
Chapter Postscript .......................................................
LOVE-SHYNESS AND THE INNATE SENSITIVI-
TIES ISSUE ................................................................
     Bodily Itches ...........................................................
     Climate ...................................................................
     Bright Sunlight .........................................................
     Wool ......................................................................
     Physical Pain ...........................................................
     Miscellaneous Sensitivities .......................................
     Annoyance at Petty Stimuli ......................................
     Eye Color and Hair Strand Width ............................
SOME PSYCHOLOGICAL CHARACTERISTICS
     OF THE LOVE-SHY ............................................
     Being Friendly Requires Nerve ................................
     Extreme Self-Consciousness ....................................
     Telephones ..............................................................
     Assertion Phobia .....................................................
     A Life-Threatening Scenario ....................................
     Items Clearly Earmarking the Love-Shy ...................
     Sense of Humor ......................................................
     Control Over the Good and Bad .............................
     Loneliness ...............................................................
     Loneliness and Experimental Social Psychology .......
     Envy of Female Privilege .........................................
     Chapter Postscript ..................................................
PARENTHOOD ASPIRATIONS ...............................
     Fear of Discipline ....................................................
     Recycled Fathers ....................................................
     Selecting the Gender of One's Future Children .........
        Pre-Selecting a Baby's Sex ...................................
        The Eugen Jonas Method .....................................
     Shyness and Contracepting ......................................
CAREER, MONEY, EDUCATION, AND THE
     LOVE-SHY ...........................................................
     Level of Attained Education .....................................
     Unemployment and Underemployment .....................
     Annual Incomes .......................................................
     Places of Abode ......................................................
     Childhood Socioeconomic Status .............................
     Implications of Money for Love-Shyness .................
     Shyness in the Job Search ........................................
        The Unadvertised Job ...........................................
        Shyness on the Job ...............................................
        Employment Attitudes ...........................................
     Some Positive Recommendations .............................
        On Selling an Employment Interviewer ..................
        The Importance of Being in Demand .....................
        Alleged "Frills" in Education ..................................
     Higher Education as a Mode of Compensation .........
     Moving During the Formative Years .........................
POLITICS, RELIGION, AND THE LOVE-SHY .......
     Religion ...................................................................
        Amenability to Religious Participation ....................
        A Rejoinder to Ponder .........................................
     Spiritualism .............................................................
MOVIES, MUSIC, AND THE LOVE-SHY ...............
     The Love-Shys' Prime Film Experiences ..................
     Music .....................................................................
PRACTICE-DATING THERAPY ..............................
     Behavior Therapy Approaches .................................
     The "Practice-Dating" Model ...................................
        Screening .............................................................
        Dealing with the Love and Beauty Problem ...........
        The Alcoholics Anonymous Model of Mutual
     Caring and Concern ................................................
        Visualization and Mental Rehearsal .......................
        The "Second Plateau" ...........................................
        When a Practice-Dating Participant Fails to 
     Show Up ................................................................
        "Going Outside" ...................................................
        Waiting Lists ........................................................
        Practice-Dating Therapy for High Schoolers .........
        The Termination of Therapy ..................................
        Psychodrama and Role Playing .............................
        No Time Limit .....................................................
        Exceptionally Stubborn Cases ..............................
     Conclusions and Recommendations .........................
        Practice-Dating and the University Campus ..........
        Some Militancy Needs to be Displayed ................
SOME THERAPEUTIC ADJUNCTS .........................
     The Nude Jacuzzi Experience ...................................
     Therapy Employing Sexual Surrogates .....................
     Use of Audio-Cassette Programs ............................
     Bibliotherapy ...........................................................
     Meditation ..............................................................
     Why Not Simply Use Commercial Dating
     Services? ................................................................
        The Gender Ratio Problem ...................................
        Commercial Vested Interests ................................
        Barriers Posed by the Love-Shy's Psycho-
     emotional Handicaps ...............................................
        A Corroborating Study ........................................
        Attractiveness and Education ................................
     Self-Image Psychology as a Therapeutic
     Adjunct ...................................................................
        The Key Principles ...............................................
        Blending Self-Image Psychology with the
     Biological Perspective .............................................
     Self-Image Therapy .................................................
        Affirmation-Making and Self-Talk ........................
        Visualization .........................................................
        The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy ..................................
     Some Rejoinders for Traditional
     Psychotherapists .....................................................
        The Symptom Displacement/Symptom Need
     Argument ................................................................
        Insight ..................................................................
        Encouraging Dependency and Low Self-
     Sufficiency ..............................................................
        The Love-Shys' Need for Structure and their
     Fear of Social Ambiguity .........................................
        The "Responsibility" Argument ..............................
        The "It's Too Mechanistic" Argument ....................
     Postscript to Chapter 23 .........................................
SOME RECOMMENDATIONS CONCERNING
     PREVENTION ......................................................
     Research on Gene Splicing ......................................
     Bullying ...................................................................
        The Perils of Competition .....................................
        A Non-Punitive Antidote for Bullying ...................
     The Cruelest Bully of All .........................................
     Cowardice .............................................................
     Corporal Punishment Needs to be Outlawed ...........
     Some Recommendations Concerning Dogs ..............
     Coeducational Dormitories: Their Limitations ...........
     The "Harrad" Dormitory Option ...............................
     The Psychic Healing of Important Enzymes ..............
     The Effect of Increasing Social Interaction ...............
     The High School Curriculum ....................................
        Foreign Languages ...............................................
        History and Civics ................................................
        Literature Courses ................................................
     Ballroom Dancing ....................................................
     Religion ...................................................................
     Encounter Groups ...................................................
     Might Fraternity Mebership Help? ...........................
        Use of Sorority Girls ............................................
        What Can Be Done .............................................
        A System of Coed Room Mates ..........................
        The Courtship System versus Marriage and
     the Family ...............................................................
     Use of Autistic Adolescent Girls ..............................
     Changing the Norms ................................................
SOME FINAL THOUGHTS ......................................
     A Different Philosophy ............................................
     What Is Needed .....................................................
     Interpersonal Skills versus Interpersonal
     Anxiety ...................................................................
     Some Final Thoughts on Prevention .........................
        The Family Structure Factor .................................
        The Abuse Factor ................................................
     Judging a Person By His Actions .............................
     Misreading Actions and Inactions ............................
     Postscript ...............................................................
BIBLIOGRAPHY .......................................................
THE SURVEY OF HETEROSEXUAL
     INTERACTIONS ..................................................
THE GILMARTIN LOVE-SHYNESS SCALE ..........
Summary of Mean Scores on Eysenck Personality
     Questionnaire ..........................................................

Name Index .................................................................

Subject Index ..............................................................
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__________________________________________________________________________
"Anyone who truly believes that shyness is caused exclusively by learning
will NEVER succeed at engineering a successful mode of therapy for the
problem.  A balanced perspective is a MUST."
--Dr. Brian G. Gilmartin
  Shyness & Love: Causes, Consequences, and Treatment
_____________________________________________________________________________________