***MAY 2020 NOTE: I created this website in 2001. It was the FIRST ever attempt to
digitize and publish the book to the web as far as I knew back then. It has been unbelievable how this
attempt and this page has caused so many reactions throughout the years, some for good and unfortunately
bad. Personally, at the time, I had just started non-medicated therapy with a Licensed Marriage and Family
Therapist (LMFT). Within a few years I had outgrown my interest in the "Love Shy" label but I continued the
website, albeit increasingly sparingly, in the hopes that other guys would follow my path and GET HELP.
I spent years in therapy but it was amazingly helpful in understanding how I got to where I
was and showed me steps to get out. I'm haven't been, and am not, a perfect person, but the things I used to worry about when I
started this up are things that I personally feel I have a decent handle on these days. However, I would say it
was BECAUSE of my dedication to staying in therapy, to being as completely honest with myself and my
therapist, that I was able to break out of the cycle. My intent for this website was to be a launchpad for
men to get into therapy or to find help from someone who could because it inspired myself to do so. The
book was like a guiding light for me to find help.
I NEVER meant for this page and its ideas to coalesce with the Incel movement that had been budding,
unbeknownst to me, slightly before I had published this page. It has been so SAD to watch these initial
attempts at trying to inspire men to find HELP get twisted by aggravated individuals who turned that aggravation
into hate on women. It's so sad to have seen so many men turn to murder because of this idea that women are
the problem. It's crazy that me publishing certain chapters of Dr. Gilmartin's book inadvertently gave fuel to the fire to this
misogyny. The Yahoo group I created, which is now unfortunately defunct, was initially a place where guys
could try to find help in dealing with these issues, not a place where men could hate on women. The hate
for women never made sense to me because I wanted to be with a woman, not push them away. I always saw it
was something that I needed to figure out; I needed to work on myself. For me that work meant therapy,
non-medicated therapy. I needed to struggle and go through the pain but with someone to help me overcome.
I almost want to take this page down but for now I want to keep it up as a testament to what I was initially
trying to accomplish, which was to inspire the men afflicted by these feelings to get the mental and
emotional support that they need. At this point in my life I still advocate non-medicated therapy, particularly Family Therapy.
I'm biased because that's the therapy that I went through but I really believe that the therapy that these
guys need is reparative. I came to the conclusion that, for men, a lot of these feelings are caused by
childhood neglect, not all emotional or mental abuse, but a certain form of subtle emotional inadvertent neglect from within the family.
If any guy is reading this, I encourage you to seek a LMFT for guidance if you have no one in your
life that you can trust. I encourage you to find a therapist that you vibe with, that you really
connect with, shop around. Stick with the therapy, don't quit, don't give into despair. The task is
arduous, it may take years, but the truth is there. The help will come. I know, I've been there. ***
The following is the Table of Contents for the 600+ page book
Shyness & Love: Causes, Consequences, and Treatment
by Dr. Brian G. Gilmartin
University Press of America, Inc.
@1987
Since the book is currently out of print, it is quite hard to find in libraries. I would suggest looking for a copy
in your local college library since that is where I found my copy. This website will be an ongoing attempt to
create an on-line version of the book. It is an attempt to share in Dr. Gilmartin's hope "that it reaches as many
afflicted people as possible." This is currently going on without the consent of Dr. Gilmartin or his publishers
but hopefully will return some interest to the book itself. If they have any objections to this, they need only to
contact me and ask to remove this webpage. Otherwise, feel free to e-mail me if you have any questions or
would like to see a certain section put up. I will try to post sections when I can, starting with those that I've
found most interesting. Finally, I do hope it helps those in need to understand their situation, as it has my own.
Thanks goes out to Mike for helping type three sections.
Justin Urban
polepino@yahoo.com
***For those interested, you may join my Yahoo! Groups board. This is where you may discuss the findings of the book.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/loveshy_drgilmartin/
___________________________________________________________________________________________
"This book is dedicated to the promotion of responsible free choice and self-determination--
something to which all human beings everywhere ought to be fully entitled."
--Dr. Brian G. Gilmartin
Shyness & Love: Causes, Consequences, and Treatment
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