All my life I've wanted to become human. I've wanted to be a man who can walk in the sun and make love to the woman of my dreams. So many years keep passing and that reality keeps getting further and further away. Now that Spike has joined my side and we've become partners I find it harder to believe that my dream will ever come true. The thought that he could be the one to Shanshu remains fresh in my mind. And I know I signed that scroll, but that doesn't mean a thing. The prophecy was written so long ago, and nothing can alter that. It isn't in my power to just sign it away. I'm not the man who holds fate in his hands.
I've lost my friends along this long journey and everyday keeps getting harder and harder to fight the fight. Losing Doyle was one of the hardest things I've had to deal with because he was the one person who truly understood me. He helped me find out what I was meant to do here in LA. He was my friend and not a day goes by where I don't wish that he was still here with me.
Losing Cordelia was a different kind of loss. She was a brilliant human being, even when she was a snob. You could sense that she had a lot to fulfill in her lifetime. You knew that the day would come when she would truly develop into the woman that was smart, beautiful, and someone you could love. She was all of these things to me, and so much more. When I thought she was alive, a part of me woke up. Even though it didn't seem like it. She put me on my path and showed me exactly why I was on this earth. Her soul and mine will always be intertwined because I truly loved her, and always will. I say that to Spike every once and a while, and he says "I didn't know you were such a poet. Do you mind if I use that line when I go to open mic night?" I get a laugh every now and then, but lately it really makes my heart hurt. I love and miss my Cordy.
My sweet Fred! It was so was very painful to lose her. She was the conscience of the Fang gang. She was that sweet Texan who turned into a fighter. She was the smartest and craziest person I ever had the privilege of knowing. When we went to Pylea and she said we saved her, well that wasn't exactly the whole truth. She saved me. I was a monster and she made me believe that the monster was only a little part of me. It wasn't the whole me. I will always love her for that. But most importantly, I will miss her smile because it was the only bright light I could be around without burning to death. I truly miss my Fred.
I don't know how I will get by without Wesley. Him and I went through so many ups and downs but he was always there fighting beside me; even when he wasn't capable of fighting. I fired him, I almost killed him, but I truly loved him. He was the true boss of the gang, it was just my symbol on the card. He led me down my path to redemption, but in essence he found his redemption first and I'm kind of jealous of that. But nonetheless, if I were to of ever gotten married he'd be my best man. Because he truly was the greatest man who I have ever known. I don't know how I will ever get by without Wesley.
His last words were, "Hell my name is Gunn, and I never used one. Maybe now woulda been a great time to start." I smiled and said, "But it wouldn't have been as fun." Gunn was like my best friend. He was always there fighting beside. Even when he didn't agree with my decisions he would always back me up. He knew there was a reason for my actions deep down, and he knew I was too stubborn to let it be known. He was the same way. He found himself at Wolfram and Heart. He finally felt completely a part of something and I was happy to see him become a part of it. But I was privileged to be his friend and be the last one to hold his hand as he past away. He was a warrior and I wished we could've had more time.
I know what you're gonna say, "If I loved them so much, why did you keep them in harms way all these years?" Let me tell you something. I fired them and they kept fighting. I even tried killing them, and they still wanted to be with me. I guess my search for redemption gave them hope. I also guess they attached to me because they felt safer with me, and with eachother. More so than if they were to of been on their own. They all tried that once, the alone thing, and it didn't work. Hell, I did it for many years and it was pure torture. Whistler and Buffy were the two who I attached to, and am so happy I did because if I didn't, who knows where I would be.
I'm gonna save Buffy for another time. Her story and mine is a long tale, and one that will probably be ongoing. Plus, every time I think about her it hurts, so that road we will go around for the time being.
These past few months have been hard because Spike and I have been starting over. Our lives have crossed paths again but this time we are saving lives instead of taking them. I can see the growth in him. Every person he saves is like a new breath of fresh air. Even though we don't breath, it's the closet thing to fresh air that he's felt in a long, long while. This lease on life fills my soul with happiness from time to time. But in the end I can't escape who I am and what I continue to do.
You all know my story, I've lived, I've died, I've loved, I've lost, I've survived, but most importantly, I will always remember!
"Hey Mate!" Spike exclaimed as he made his way up to me. "You still writing in that journal?"
"Yes." I answered.
"I think it's a bloody brilliant idea. What you writing down all your stories and all." Spike added. "Who knows, maybe one day they'll make a Tv show about you. Hell, maybe even a Movie."
I smiled, laughed and said, "I guess that way I'll truly live forever." I laughed again and said, "That'll probably be my redemption. My life will never be forgotten."
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