Parallels

He hated that he felt like an old lady and that he had to sit here at the bottom of the stairs in a goddamn wheelchair, barely able to sit up on his own, and wait while Casey got Nathan and Josiah to carry him – CARRY HIM – back up to his bed.

Both Nathan and Buck had told JD he had to be more patient, that he’d be back in the saddle and on his feet in no time, but. . . well, patience was never one of those virtues that JD Dunne had an abundance of. Hell, even his mama had told him that.

He hated that he had to rely on his friends so much right now. Hated that he still couldn’t even put on his own boots without nearly passing out from the pain and, even worse, without tears streaming from his eyes.

He hated that he still slept through most of the day and night and that he barely had the strength to sit up in bed, let alone feed himself. Hell, between Nathan, Josiah and Buck, JD hadn’t been spoon-fed or tucked in this often since his mama used to do it when he was just little.

And JD hated that Nathan was always so damn right. Instead of basking in the victory of the real breakfast he’d talked Casey and Buck into letting him have, here he was now, desperately wishing he’d heeded the healer’s warnings and just stuck with the slop Nathan insisted was all he was able to handle.

So now the godforsaken eggs and biscuits he’d had were surging and rolling around in his belly so near to bein’ upchucked that JD’d had to ask Casey to get him back here only minutes after they’d started their walk.

‘Cause what JD hated more than anything else, was how the mere sight of Kate Stokes could hit him so damn hard, so hard that he’d feel the sickening force of Mattie’s bullet slam into his belly and drive the breath right out of him. Just as if he was reliving that whole excruciating nightmare all over again.

And how could the judge have just let Kate walk away like that, anyway? Why didn’t he send her to prison where she belonged?

And where JD’d never have to look at her again. . . and remember. Remember how Kate Stokes had left JD to bleed to death in the dirt.

She left him there to die and Judge Travis let her just walk away. How could he do that? JD didn’t understand. And he didn’t want to.

He used to respect Orrin Travis before all this, look up to him like few other men. But now JD couldn’t admire him anymore. He simply couldn’t see why the judge let her go. And he felt utterly betrayed.

Well, at least he knew he could count on Buck. Buck Wilmington was and always would be there for him.

After all, it was Buck who’d come looking for him after the gunfight with Spivak’s gang and who’d come running like the devil himself was at his heels when he’d seen that JD was down and hurt. And even though JD remembered seeing the flash of fear and guilt in Buck’s eyes when he’d rolled JD over to face him, Buck had held himself together and looked after him. And told JD exactly what he so desperately needed to hear right then – that he was gonna be all right.

And even though JD was barely conscious by the time Josiah and Chris had hoisted him onto his horse, he was still able to hear Buck tell Chris, in no uncertain terms, to go after those girls. ‘Gun ‘em down if you have to’. JD couldn’t remember ever having heard Buck sound so angry before. . . or so upset.

The kid couldn’t help the little mix of pride and embarrassment that settled in his soul with thoughts like these. That Chris Larabee dropped his pursuit of murdering scum like Del Spivak to go after the girls who’d. . .well, who’d gunned JD down, made him feel pretty special.

Mind you, Buck hadn’t really given Chris any choice in the matter, even though they’d all promised the judge that they were gonna hunt down Spivak and bring him in. JD’d never thought he would ever hear Buck speak those words about two women. Hell, he’d never heard Buck speak ill of any woman at all before then, let alone wish one harm.

Well, Buck had damn well meant those two sisters harm, that’s for sure. And that’s why JD knew Buck would take care of things now, so that JD wouldn’t have to see the likes of Kate Stokes in his town ever again. JD could count on it.

Just like he’d counted on Buck being there for him when he’d been hurtin’ so bad. Stayin’ with him through the fever, through the pain. . . and through the fear. Buck never gave up on JD. His faith was the anchor JD had held on to, and for that the kid would forever be grateful.

God, he’d been so sick. As bad as he was feelin’ this instant, it was still heaven compared to those first few days after he’d woken up. Fever so bad, the sweat was runnin’ off him like a waterfall and at times he was so out of his head, he didn’t know where he was or who was right there with him.

There were times when JD had thought his mama had been there for him. A touch so familiar and comforting, tenderly wiping his brow with a cool, soothing cloth or holding his hand to help him ride out the pain or to just let him know he wasn’t alone. Brushing away his tears with that same gentle touch.

Even when JD’d come to realize that his mama wasn’t there, it somehow didn’t really matter. Oh, he still missed her somethin’ awful, of course, but it was just. . . well, with Buck there fightin’ for him, JD could honestly believe that he’d make it.

After all, his mama had tried so hard to be strong for JD – but, in the end – she just hadn’t been strong enough.

But Buck Wilmington was near about the strongest person JD’d ever known. Tough enough to handle Chris Larabee at his worst was pretty damn strong in JD’s eyes. Strong as an ox with an iron will to match and JD’d learned long ago there wasn’t any point in fighting it. Besides, whatever Buck willed for JD was more often than not in his best interest. JD’d figured that out right quick. ‘Course he wasn’t gonna let Buck in on that little revelation just yet. It was a whole hell of a lot more fun sparrin’ with him.

Though, in those darkest hours, Buck sure had let his will be known. Talkin’ to JD, telling him he was gonna be all right and that he’d be back ridin’ like the wind and chasin’ outlaws and keepin’ the peace in no time.

And late at night, when Nathan’d gone to bed and it was just the two of them and Buck didn’t know that JD’s head had cleared of fog and laudanum well enough to understand all what Buck was saying, JD had heard Buck pray for him. Pray for his little. . .

Still, JD knew that Buck cared mightily for him. Buck would be there to look out for him, stand by him and always do right by him. Like now. Bet he’s givin’ that Kate an earful now, too. Tellin’ her to get out of their town. And stay out.

Maybe he should try and take a look? What could it hurt? Watching Kate ride away just might do him some good. Sure, he could do that. Not like he was afraid of her or anything.

It’s just that looking at her reminded him so much of what had happened. And of Mattie. . . Of what she’d done. How could she have tried what she’d tried, and then. . . and then just shoot him?

Watching Buck send Kate away would help. It had to. Please tell her to go away, Buck. Please.

Within a heartbeat, confusion and bewilderment gave way to utter shock and wishful denial. Buck wasn’t running Kate out of town. . . Oh God, he was reaching out to her instead. And as the inconceivable horror of that realization grappled for control, nothing else could withstand the overwhelming force of JD’s heartbreak. Betrayal -- again, but oh so much worse than any before -- pierced him through to his core, retracing the just-healing path of Mattie’s bullet and shredding what was left of his already battered soul.

In that horrible instant, the turmoil swirling in JD’s mind and in his heart combined with the sickening surging in his gut and released itself with one excruciating, ripping, tearing heave. The whole of JD’s weakened body lurched along with his stomach and as the pain he thought he’d successfully mastered these past few days resurfaced with an agonizing vengeance, JD felt himself falling.

Falling once again to the unforgiving ground and falling once again into darkness. He knew all too well that he was powerless to stop his plunge, but this time he didn’t even try to hold on. He didn’t want to.

He had every faith that Buck would find him, just like before. But for once that faith didn’t bring him comfort. It only brought him more pain. Worse even than the bullet wound he knew had just reopened. Much worse.

*******

Frantic footsteps beat a rapid cadence as Buck Wilmington flew up the wooden flight of stairs leading to Nathan’s clinic. Just minutes before, he’d been saying his good-byes to Kate Stokes, wishing her well and trying his damnedest to convince her, in only a few words, that her life was worth living. That it was high time she concentrated on looking after herself, as diligently as she’d tried to do for her little sister.

Mad Mattie may have been a lost cause, but there was still hope for Kate, and Buck fervently wanted her to believe that.

As Kate had said her farewell, he was sure he’d seen the hint of a light shining in her eyes that hadn’t been there before in the short time he’d known her. A hint of hope. And Buck had felt so gratified. It had warmed his soul.

But now, only seconds later, an icy dread enveloped him, threatening his entire being, and Buck wondered if he’d ever feel warm again.

Kate had just ridden out of sight when he’d heard a terrified Casey cry out JD’s name, followed immediately by the even more alarming sound of Nathan rapidly shouting instructions to both the girl and Josiah.

Momentarily frozen by fear, Buck had watched in horror as his three friends converged around JD’s fallen body, curled up in the dirt at the base of the stairs. In front of the wheelchair Buck had been pushing him in only moments before.

The boy had been fine. Maybe a little tired, but he’d been all right, damnit.

Spurred on by Casey’s sudden dash up the steps to open the clinic door, Buck had finally regained enough of his senses to propel his body forward.

And as he’d watched the nightmare unfold of Nathan and Josiah settling an obviously unconscious JD into the preacher’s arms as he began carrying the boy upstairs, Buck’s focus and control had returned – barely. Enough to give him the strength to run towards the staircase -- and JD -- as fast as he’d ever run in his life.

As fast as that fateful day in the forest, on the outskirts of Spivak’s camp.

*******

Josiah had just laid the unresponsive JD onto the cot that had been his bed for far too long when Buck burst into the already over-crowded clinic.

"JD!?" He called out desperately as he pushed his way past both Josiah and Casey to get closer to the boy. Buck anxiously looked over Nathan’s shoulder and gasped, equally sickened and horrified by the grisly sight of fresh blood seeping through the healer’s dark fingers as he applied pressure and a new bandage to the reopened wound.

How could this have happened? He’d only left JD for a minute. "What the hell happened?! Why’s he bleedin’?!" Buck turned bewildered eyes toward Casey, but once he saw how utterly terrified the young girl was, he immediately regretted the anger-laced tone he’d used. He swallowed his ire and his voice softened accordingly. "Casey, honey? What happened?"

Tears welled and began to spill in earnest down Casey’s flushed cheeks. "I. . . I don’t. . .know. "

Instinctively, Buck lifted a hand to comfort her, but the tender touch was forestalled by livid words from the healer. "I do, by God. What the hell were you thinking, Buck?!"

Jackson’s dark eyes flashed with accusation and Wilmington jerked back from his friend as though he’d been struck. "What I was thinking? Nathan, what’s goin’ on?" Confusion was clearly evident in Buck’s tone, ringing almost as powerfully as the dread that had tightened his throat, making his voice quake with the foreboding that somehow he could be responsible for JD being so badly hurt – again.

Returning his attention to JD’s wound, Nathan answered, lowering his own voice but keeping its sting in tact. "Damnit, Buck, he ripped his belly open throwing up. Didn’t you see that mess he made out there? Just what did you let him eat?"

Had it not been for Casey’s whimper, Buck would have cried out as well. Dear God, this was his fault!

But after days of watching that sturdy little body practically whither away in front of him while JD’d fought the effects of fever and blood loss, how could Buck not have been thrilled to hear JD’s request for a real breakfast? God, the kid had been too weak to even swallow water or Nathan’s tea not all that long ago. To watch JD wolf down a hearty breakfast this morning had been heaven for Buck. A miracle.

But that was Nathan’s point, wasn’t it? Today had been too soon.

Aw, kid.

Overwhelmed with guilt and grief, it fell on Josiah and not Buck to reach out and pull Casey into a comforting embrace.

Buck had gone numb. He vaguely heard Josiah’s soothing words to the girl as he escorted her out onto the landing. Telling her that it wasn’t her fault, how he knew how strong-willed JD was and how persuasive he could be, and that nobody -- least of all JD -- would blame her for this.

Josiah was right about that. Casey wasn’t to blame.

No, Casey wasn’t to blame at all.

*******

Darkness fell on Four Corners, and with it came the inevitable quiet of night. And the most quiet space in all the town, but hardly the most peaceful, was a room above the livery, usually inhabited by the Seven’s gentle healer. But tonight Nathan was elsewhere. Not that far, within a Wilmington shout of course, asleep in Buck’s room. Where he’d been spending many of his nights recently since JD’d begun his first recovery and Jackson had finally felt confident enough in his ministrations to leave the boy for more than a few minutes.

Buck felt a little guilty about seemingly driving his friend from his home. At one point throughout this ordeal, Nathan had commented that when JD was his patient, he often felt like he was the intruder. Buck still shook his head at that. Nathan was no intruder. He thanked God for Nathan every damn day.

Weary to the bone, Buck sat hunched over in the chair at JD’s bedside and scrubbed stinging eyes with hands that could not yet quell their tremors, no more than he could stop the occasional shudder that still insisted upon coursing through him.

Damn, he really was getting too old for this.

Still, he took comfort where he could, and the fact that Nathan was willing to leave JD, so soon again, spoke volumes to him. Gave him hope. That despite the reopened wound and additional blood loss, their healer felt confident in JD’s recovery.

Once Nathan had calmed down and stopped giving Buck the cold shoulder, he’d as much as told Buck that JD’d be all right. They’d have to watch for fever and infection -- again -- but his bandages had kept the wound clean when he’d landed in the dirt and Nathan felt they’d gotten to the boy and had treated him in good time.

And so the cinch that was wrapped around Buck’s heart once again had loosened a hitch and he actually allowed himself to believe that JD was really going to be okay. Hell, if Buck let his head rule instead of his heart for once, even he’d have figured that out for himself and realized that, since JD’d made it through that first, horrible battle for his life, the little scrapper that he was, sure wasn’t gonna let this mishap keep him down for long.

‘The kid’s had a setback is all. He’ll be up and around in no time.’ That’s what Chris had said, in a surprising show of compassion and empathy for his old friend. But then that was one thing they still could share, wasn’t it? Both of them knew all too well about hurting the ones they loved. And both of them knew about guilt.

Buck placed a gentle hand on JD’s brow, checking for fever and hoping his touch would impart some of his own strength to the weakened boy. Damnit, how could he have been so blind not to realize what JD couldn’t handle?! Just looking at him now, it was obvious how fragile he still was. The poor kid barely had any strength back at all and, thanks to his supposed best friend, what little he’d regained was now left as a grisly reminder in a reddish brown stain at the bottom of the clinic stairs.

Thank God he hadn’t lost as much blood as last time. That he’d been within seconds of Nathan’s care. It had made all the difference in the world. The difference between life and death.

God, I’m so sorry you’re hurtin’ again, JD.

Another shudder wracked Buck’s soul and he abruptly pulled his hand away, getting up from his chair and striding across to the window to look out into the night. The dancing flames of the little fires placed along the boardwalks caught his eye and Buck allowed them to mesmerize him, to lead him away from the despairing thoughts continuing to overwhelm him, right out through the door and onto the landing.

Suddenly he’d needed some air, and JD would be okay for a minute or two.

Truth be told, he hoped the kid would stay out a hell of a lot longer than that. He knew the only alternative would be JD waking up in a world of pain again and Buck just couldn’t stand the fact that he was responsible for that all-too-familiar torment reflected in the boy’s expressive eyes.

Buck Wilmington had beaten himself up over if only many times in his life and knew better than that, knew it was damn futile, but, when it came to watching the kid suffer, well logic just had a habit of goin’ straight out the window.

Mind you, JD had been asleep for an awfully long time now. Buck could have sworn at least a couple of times during this vigil that JD’d been about to wake up. But every time he’d softly call out to him -- or touch his cheek or squeeze his hand -- JD’s only response would be a woefully haunting sigh, or worse. . . a flinch, and then the boy would seemingly fall back into his pain-free haven of oblivion.

Something that Buck certainly couldn’t fault him for.

But each time it happened, Buck would feel both guilt and relief course through him again, in the embodiment of yet another shudder.

*******

JD breathed a sigh of relief as he heard Buck close the door behind him. God, how he hated feeling this way. He hated pretending to be asleep too, especially while his body was awakening and erupting in all sorts of different levels of pain. JD wanted nothing more than to cry out, but still he grit his teeth and kept his vocalizing down to a very strained whimper.

He’d actually felt so much better before, when he’d first awoken to Buck’s soft voice and the equally comforting awareness of the back of Buck’s hand just barely resting against his cheek or forehead – checking for fever no doubt – before lightly brushing away the hair JD’d told himself he was gonna have cut soon. Soon as he was up to sitting in a barber’s chair without needing his guardian there to keep him from falling out of the damn seat.

That image of tumbling out of his seat had struck JD remarkably hard and before he could even try to stop the onslaught, hazy images and emotions had slammed into him. Enveloping his heart and bombarding his head until he had no choice but to begin to decipher their meaning and remember just what had caused not only the resurgence of agony burning deep in his belly, but also the lingering chill of betrayal in his soul.

He’d nearly cried out then, but he’d known Buck was right there beside him and JD hadn’t wanted to face him yet, not when the pain had control of him and he’d felt like screaming out from the hurt and, worse, much worse, he’d been too close to bawling than he’d ever care to admit.

Facing Buck would’ve been just too much to take, but Buck -- being Buck -- could somehow tell each time JD was waking and hadn’t made it easy at all on him to keep pretending. Buck had kept whispering JD’s name or worse – laying a warm palm upon his chest, enfolding his hand in his own or cupping JD’s face -- and all JD could do was flinch away from what had suddenly become a traitorous touch.

He really didn’t want to think about it, but he couldn’t help himself. It was the very same touch that Buck had bestowed upon Kate just before JD’s world had turned to dizzying swirls of red and gray and he’d plummeted into a blackness that had suddenly become a welcome sanctuary. A sanctuary away from the truth.

Of all the women in the world who could fall for Buck’s animal magnetism, why in the hell did he have to go and try it on Kate Stokes?! Was proving Chris wrong so damn important?!

God, that made JD angry. And hurt. Very hurt.

Not Kate, Buck. Not Kate, damnit.

*******

The abrupt sound of anonymous laughter erupting from the saloon down the street broke Buck from the hold the little fires had on his reverie and guiltily he hurried back into Nathan’s clinic.

Even though the kid was mostly covered up under blankets, Buck could immediately tell from JD’s tense posture, that he was now awake. Putting feelings of self-reproach aside, he continued towards the head of the bed and sunk down on his heels at JD’s side.

"Hell, I’m sorry, son. Didn’t mean for ya to wake up by yourself like this. You all right? You need any--?" His words were rushed, but he stopped cold when JD, clearly awake this time, once again jerked away from the hand Buck had just placed on his shoulder.

"Go ‘way, Buck." JD’s voice was clipped, even as he gasped from the pull of his wound as he shifted from under the light hold Buck had on him.

Abashed, and yet more than a little wounded too, Buck forced himself to swallow his own emotions and face the music he felt he deserved. "JD--. I am really sorry, kid. You got every reason in the world to be riled with me." Buck’s voice was soft, the sad expression on his face reflecting the shame and sorrow in his heart. "I feel just awful about breakfast, son. I never should ‘a let you eat all that."

JD’s response wasn’t at all what Buck had expected. The kid lay against his pillow, with barely enough strength to lift his head and yet Buck could feel intense emotion – emotion he knew he didn’t want to be on the receiving end of – emanating from the quivering form. As JD’s dark brows drew together, first in utter confusion, followed immediately by an angry stare, Buck braced himself for the unavoidable. "Let me?! Let. . . You. . . think I’m mad. . . because of breakfast?!"

Buck was truly bewildered. His best friend was angrily boring pain-laced eyes into him and he honestly didn’t know why. Surely JD couldn’t be that upset with him? Not the JD that Buck knew so well.

Yet here Buck was, certain that the only thing preventing JD from yelling at him or hell, even getting up and slugging him, was the fact that the poor kid didn’t have the strength God gave a day-old kitten. JD wasn’t simply upset, disgust and hurt were rolling off his quaking body in waves of tension that Buck had never witnessed before.

And by the look on JD’s face, he wasn’t done yet.

"Jesus, Buck. . . you think I. . . I ain’t old enough to make up my own mind about. . . what I eat. GOD!!!" JD pounded a clenched fist against his mattress, but as he did so, everything he’d tried to gain by his beratement of Buck was lost in that sudden movement. Immediately the boy cried out and curled into himself – away from Buck. "Just get out, Buck. . . Go!"

Not a chance.

Something was seriously wrong here, something more than a reopened belly-wound, and Buck sure wasn’t about to abandon JD when he was hurting this bad, even if that’s what the kid asked of him. Hell, if Wilmington had truly believed that what his stubborn friends asked for and what they really needed were the same thing, he’d’ve left the territory – and Chris Larabee – years ago.

"JD—you know I ain’t goin’ nowhere. ‘Less you need me to get Nathan."

"No! Not. . . Nathan," the kid breathlessly huffed back. "No one. . . just go ‘way."

This was gonna stop and it was gonna stop now. Steeling himself against JD’s mule-headedness and the heartache and inevitability of further rejection, he hunkered down closer to JD’s huddled form and placed a solid palm on the boy’s back. JD’s shoulder jerked again, of course, but Buck persisted. "All right, JD. Now that’s enough. Settle down before you hurt yourself." His tone was soft, yet held an intimidating edge the kid would easily recognize as deadly serious. "Look, either you talk to me and tell me what’s goin’ on, here or, I am gonna holler for Nathan."

Buck knew he was being a little bit mean. None of the Seven ever wanted to be poked and prodded by Nathan, especially after he’d removed a bullet from them. Sometimes though, playing dirty was the only way to deal with friends hell-bent on keeping their pain holed up inside where it could fester and only make things worse. Another lesson he’d learned from Chris.

But that wasn’t the way things were between him and JD. Leastways until now. Despite his threat, Buck was trying to temper it by rubbing light, soothing circles across the kid’s shoulders and back. "C’mon, JD. Talk to me." The edge left his voice.

He felt the kid relax, just a notch, but somehow the sigh of resignation the boy breathed still didn’t offer Buck much comfort. "C’mon, kid. Tell me what’s wrong. . . so I can fix it, all right?"

*******

JD heard the desperation in Buck’s plea and the longing to make everything better. Damn, it was hard to stay mad at him. He figured Buck was bluffing about Nathan, but he realized that for Buck to sink that low to get him to talk, JD must be acting awfully childish in his own right – something he was loathe to do in front of any of his friends.

Could Buck be innocent? Could he really be that dense to not know what he’d done wrong?

JD knew the answer. . . Hell, yes. When it came to women or JD, Buck had proven time and again that he was more sensitive and understanding than any other living person on God’s green Earth. But sometimes, when he’d miss the mark, the man could be dumb as a doorknob.

With the resigned sigh he released, JD felt Buck shift his touch to the back of his neck, giving him a reassuring squeeze. JD closed his eyes. Damnit, Buck. You sure don’t make this easy on a body.

Gingerly, JD tried to roll over onto his back, instinctively using Buck’s strength to brace against. Typically, Buck knew what he needed and supported JD through the ordeal, but even with his eyelids and jaw clenched tight against the pain, JD couldn’t prevent the tears from slipping past his lashes, or the moan that parted his lips. God, he hated this.

JD blinked his eyes open to the very worried, very serious face of his best friend. He knew he couldn’t keep them open for very long. And as he felt a cool cloth smooth across his brow, he didn’t fight the heaviness of his lids and simply let them shut once more.

The silence in the room was suddenly overwhelming. JD felt the softness trace a path along his face, pausing to wipe away the tears he’d unwillingly shed, and dab away the sweat pooling in the hollows above his lip and at his throat, and he swallowed heavily. He had to shake the shroud of sleep relentlessly trying to claim him.

He knew he had to get this over with. Hear what Buck had to say. Otherwise the memory would just keep burning a hole in him, right alongside the one still trying to heal.

As JD felt a halt in Buck’s ministrations, his struggle to open his eyes was won and he met Buck’s concerned gaze. "You all right, kid," he asked and suddenly JD’s struggle was no longer against sleep, but once again with treasonous tears.

"No," he whispered, choking back a sob. Shit! If there was one thing he’d learned about getting shot, it was that being in that much pain all the time sure wreaked havoc with your emotions. Being shot this bad brought everything to the surface, especially godforsaken tears. After Mattie. . . Nathan, Josiah and Buck had all explained that it was okay, that there wasn’t a man alive who’d been hurt real bad and hadn’t shed more than a couple, but even if that was true, JD still didn’t have to like it. And he’d be damned if he was gonna cry while he talked to Buck, now. "‘s Kate, Buck. Why. . . her?"

"Kate?" What the? Oh. . . oh! In a heartbeat, Buck understood. His mind instantly replayed the events leading up to JD’s collapse, remembering turning away from Kate and immediately seeing the terrifying image of JD curled up on the ground down the street directly in front of him. And right then he realized what JD had been witness to.

Damn. Well, he was sure that what the kid saw definitely did not look good, but at least he should have an easy time setting things right with the boy. He smiled slightly, a little embarrassed and more than a little relieved, and slapped the kid lightly on the leg. "JD--. You have got this so wrong, son. So wrong."

Cracking a smile, albeit it a little one, had obviously not been the best move. Buck could feel the tightness returning to JD’s form and see the spark of anger igniting in JD’s eyes. "Wrong?! What am I s’posed to think, Buck? She. . . She left me. . . left me. . . to—"

Buck winced. Hell, he still couldn’t say the words either, but he knew where JD was heading with this train of thought and he needed to derail him. For both their sakes, before the kid got so wound up he really did do himself more harm. This was gonna be painful for both of them. More painful than he’d thought. "That ain’t exactly what she did, JD."

"What?" JD gasped. And Buck felt awful. The kid looked like he’d been slapped. Hell, even worse. . . he looked like he’d lost his best friend. Which of course was probably what he thought. He reached for JD, but then held back, instinctively knowing that JD was going to fight him right then and the kid just didn’t have enough fight left.

He watched the battle, as JD tried to regain his composure before carrying on and checked back the tears that were welling in his eyes again. "Well, what in the hell did she do, then, Buck? You. . . you better explain it to me, then. . . ‘cause that’s. . . that’s sure what it felt like to me while I. . . I was. . . lying there. . . bleeding all over the goddamn leaves!"

The kid sounded so defeated and wounded, and that just broke Buck’s heart. "Aw, JD," he sighed as he shifted up onto the mattress and faced him. He had JD’s hand in his own now and although the boy didn’t resist, he wouldn’t face him either.

"What happened to ‘gun ‘em down if you have to,’ huh, Buck?" JD whispered.

The poor kid. JD sounded as exhausted as he did hurt, and Buck wanted nothing more than to just let the kid close his eyes and sleep. But, he knew that until this misunderstanding was resolved, neither of them would sleep at all.

He was utterly amazed the boy remembered his words to Chris that fateful day. JD’d barely been conscious by then, but he’d obviously heard them. Buck shuddered to think about just how much hate, grief and vengeance were in his soul when he’d spoken those words. Lord, seeing JD like that, sprawled face down in the woods, not moving and Buck not knowin’ if he was dead or alive, well, it had been every bit as horrifying as coming up on the burnt out remains of Chris’ cabin. ‘Gun ‘em down if you have to.’ He’d meant every word.

"I meant it, JD. Still would, too." That got JD’s attention and the kid slowly turned weary but curious hazel eyes toward Buck.

"Would? But--"

Buck knew the coming question and forestalled it with a hush. "Let me finish, all right?" He waited for JD’s nod. "JD, ain’t nobody alive could ‘a wanted them girls to pay for what happened to you more ‘n me."

Buck knew JD could now see the sincerity in his heart. JD was still confused, obviously, but at least he was paying attention and starting to settle down. "It’s true, JD. It didn’t matter how. Hangman’s noose or my gun, I promise ya, I’d ‘a seen to those two paying if they’d ‘a taken you away from us."

"Then. . . why—"

"—why am I treatin’ Kate all right, now?" Buck could tell JD was fading, and was trying to get everything said that needed sayin’ before the sick kid passed out on him. That JD didn’t even seem to object, was clearly another sign of his exhaustion. "‘S easy, JD. You’re here, boy. You’re alive."

"But what difference. . . does that make?"

"Mattie’s dead, JD."

"I know," he whispered.

Well, if that wasn’t a world of emotions written all over JD’s face. Buck wasn’t sure about the guilt, yet. He’d figured out what happened, or rather didn’t happen, between the boy and Mattie, but he could tell the kid was still carrying a heavy burden over it, anyway. That it almost happened was enough to eat up the boy with guilt, and being as conscientious as he was, almost would surely lead to some heavy thoughts of betrayal where Mattie was concerned, too.

Shit. Well, Buck obviously couldn’t cure all what ailed JD in one sitting, but at least he could do his best to ease his mind about Kate Stokes. Shifting his hand to rest on the kid’s chest, he asked, "JD, do you remember what we told you? That Mattie didn’t get hung?"

"Yeah, Spivak. . . shot her." The boy was looking away again.

"He did, son. He did. And I shot him," Buck sighed. JD looked at him then, surprised. The kid had been so out of it that night, barely clinging to his life, and still so very sick afterwards, the events surrounding Mattie’s death weren’t something that Nathan or Buck had really wanted to get into with the boy. "He shot her, JD. . . just like Mattie did you. Only close range. And I watched her die right there in front of me. In Kate’s arms. She never had a chance, kid."

JD’s eyes were locked on Buck now, the dawning of understanding visible in his eyes and in the faster rhythm of his heart beating under Buck’s hand. "That changed everything for me, JD. When I watched that loco little girl die in her sister’s arms, well. . . it just hit me, you know? That could ‘a happened to you ‘n me, JD. That could ‘a been us the day before and I. . ." Buck had to swallow the lump tightening his throat and stealing his voice. He couldn’t think about how close they’d come. He’d done enough of that already to last a lifetime.

Blinking away the tears blurring his own vision, Buck persevered. He wanted to make sure that JD understood completely. "Don’t you see, kid? What Kate did was wrong, damn wrong, but she wasn’t thinking about that any more than she was thinking about leaving you to die. There wasn’t any anger or hate in what she did. All she cared about was getting Mattie out of there, gettin’ her away from us and keepin’ her safe. Lookin’ out for her baby sister like she always done. . . Just like I’d a done. . . for you."

JD was stunned. This couldn’t be right. Buck was actually comparing himself to Kate and making it sound like Kate leaving him and running off with Mattie was almost okay? Sure Kate had tried to get Mattie to stop listening to Del before she fired her gun, but that didn’t mean she’d really done anything to stop Mattie. Not that she’d had a real chance.

And Kate didn’t know that the others would find JD when she took off. Well, not really, anyway. Damnit, Kate choosing Mattie’s life over JD’s just because she was her little sister didn’t make it right. And Buck should sure as hell know that. "C’mon, Buck. . . you’d never leave someone like. . . that."

Not a moment’s hesitation. "If it meant your life, JD, I would." he sighed. The kid obviously still had a lot to learn about Buck Wilmington.

Your life. What Buck was saying was wrong. So why was it makin’ JD feel good?

"But that ain’t right, Buck." JD was being stubborn and he knew it.

Buck shrugged his shoulders. "Right? Son, right just don’t come into this. I ain’t talkin’ about good or bad, here, kid. Or the law neither. I’m talkin’ about family and protecting what’s your own."

JD closed his eyes. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t have any answers for Buck anymore. JD’d risked his life plenty of times for his friends and this town. He hadn’t thought twice about taking on a Federal Marshal to protect Vin. He’d helped protect Hank Connelly and nearly got beat half to death because of it, without ever asking whether the man was guilty or not. And he’d do it again, too. And all because. . . because of family. God, just like Kate. God!

JD didn’t realize that he’d let another tear slip past his defenses until he felt Buck brush it away. He opened his eyes to a warm smile and the looks of satisfaction, patience and complete understanding on Buck’s face. JD blushed. Boy, did he feel like an idiot. "I’m sorry, Buck."

Buck felt an immense weight lift from his heart, but he sure as hell didn’t want the kid apologizing. "Shoot, JD. You don’t have to apologize, kid. I just wanted you to understand why I was speakin’ to Kate. Hell, I don’t expect you to forgive her, don’t even want you to. . . I just need to know that you forgive me." Buck ducked his head, intense midnight eyes meeting JD’s wearied gaze. "So, do you, kid? Forgive me, I mean?"

JD suddenly felt completely drained. Wrapping his mind around the concept of Kate Stokes being more like him and Buck than he’d ever wanted to imagine was an awful lot to swallow in his already weakened state.

Of course he forgave Buck. Judge Travis, too. Kate he’d have to work on some, but he certainly understood her much better. And with that understanding, he’d gained some more valuable insight into his best friend and into himself. It was actually kinda scary, but in a good way.

Family.

Well, Buck may not have come right out and called him little brother, like he’d had in JD’s fever dreams, but with the words he’d just spoken, JD now knew exactly where he stood in Buck’s life and in his heart, and that did the kid’s own heart a world of good. A body’d have to be blind and deaf to have missed the comparisons Buck had made of himself and JD, to Kate and her protectiveness of Mattie. And JD was neither blind nor deaf. He was damn tired though.

"JD? You sleepin’, boy?"

Buck’s voice was fading and JD realized his eyes had closed and sleep really was overtaking him. He blinked rapidly, trying to stay awake, long enough to give Buck the forgiveness he was asking for. "I ain’t mad anymore, Buck. . . we’re all right."

Buck coughed back the sudden lump that had resurfaced in his throat and smiled warmly at him. "Yeah, we are at that," he said, lightly patting the kid’s cheek. "You about ready for me to turn down this lamp, then?"

With a sigh being JD’s only response, Buck quietly got up from the bed and turned the lamp down. Moonlight filtered in the through the window allowing Buck enough light to keep an eye on his charge.

The kid looked sound asleep already when Buck returned his attention to him, so Buck settled back into the chair at JD’s side, mesmerized this time simply by the easy rise and fall of the sleeping kid’s chest. "Sleep well, little brother."

JD smiled to himself and he drifted off to sleep, certain that Buck’s words weren’t imagined, or from a fever dream, but definitely real.

The End

April 2001

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