This is a sequel to As Long as it Takes: Hurt. You will not understand this one without first reading Hurt.

Thank you, Mackie, Mary, Penny and Carolyn.

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Buck sat quietly at his desk, studying the shiny band of thin metal around his pencil's eraser. An unfinished report lay before him, blank lines and spaces waiting to be filled. Sharp-edged memories cut into his thoughts, cleaving through his peace and laying open his fear, replacing the background noises of the office.

~~~

"He's lost too much blood -- there's no way anyone could live after -- would you look at this? If I didn't know better I'd swear someone had emptied a gallon of red paint all over him."

~~~

The grisly scene was a flame-etched memory. The EMTs' low, battle-scarred voices of disbelief ghosted through his head. JD's blood coated Nathan's arms and the paramedics' gloves -- covered the floor, soaked into the white sheets on the gurney, dripped in long slimy strings and pooled on the ground.

~~~

"We'll know more in a few hours, Agent Larabee. There's too much internal bleeding to be able to see anything in the ER. He's in surgery and they'll do what they can for him." The doctor reached out a hand, daring to stretch past the usual polite, formal stiffness reserved for these situations, and touched Chris. From across the room, Buck focused on the man's hand -- the gripping fingers, the tight tendons that bulged around his knuckles. "He's got the best surgeons working on him. If anyone can save him, they can." Somehow, that didn't ease the choking knot of nausea and fear roiling in Buck's stomach.

~~~

Ezra walked by him and brushed a hand against his shoulder. Buck trembled, dropping out of his memories with shocking abruptness. Ezra stopped and backpedaled to Buck's desk. "Are you all right?"

Taking a deep breath and forcing a smile on his stiff face, Buck nodded. He let go of the pencil, unaware that he'd broken it. "Yeah, I'm fine, thanks." He allowed himself to catch Ezra's gaze and hold it. "I'm fine."

Ezra turned and walked away. Buck knew he left unconvinced. An irritating slurp ratcheted across the room. He turned to watch Josiah drink a coke. With his eyes on the journal in front of him, the older man was unaware of Buck's attention.

~~~

JD sat propped up in the hospital bed. With pillows gathered around him like a cotton nest, his slight frame was cushioned in comfort. Bandages swathed his middle, covering the surgery site. A tiny drain port snaked out from under the white padding, leading downward. Steady beeps and rhythms sang from the machines around him, measuring his heartbeat, taking his vitals.

Mechanical proof was not enough for Buck. He touched JD, tracing his fingers down the length of the young man's impossibly pale arm. Why hadn't he ever noticed how white the kid was? Or maybe the unnatural color was just because of all the blood he'd lost. The thought unnerved him. Buck gripped more tightly around JD's arm, satisfied with the dimples he made in his friend's warm flesh.

~~~

"Buck?"

Sensing that his name had been called more than once, Buck glanced up from the report he hadn't been seeing. "Yeah?"

Chris looked at him from his office door. "Why don't you go home? The kid's probably bored out of his mind."

"How is JD, anyway?" Vin asked. He leaned back in his chair and crossed his ankles. "Got his stitches out today, didn't he?"

"Yep." Buck stood and stretched, making a show of working out the kinks in muscles drawn so tight they hurt. "I might as well go see how he's doin'." Tossing the ruined pencil back to his desk he threw a smile out to his friends. "Make sure he didn't get lost on his way home this afternoon."

Laughter that sounded reused followed him out of the room. Shared worry is halved, right? Or is that shared grief? His eyes on the ground, he walked out to his truck, then got in and drove home, his memories of the past weeks and months keeping him company.

~~~

JD lounged on the couch, a drink forgotten in his hand. Condensation slid down the glass and dribbled over his fingers. His eyes stayed glued on the TV, but Buck knew if he asked what he was watching, JD wouldn't be able to answer.

It was just another night spent in front of the television in a long string of nights since leaving the hospital. JD had pierced through Buck's sleep with screams once, waking him and sending him running down the hall before his brain even acknowledged what he was doing. He'd burst into JD's room and found the kid curled close in his blankets, shivering and moaning. Afraid at first to wake him, then more afraid of whatever memories were torturing him, Buck rushed forward and shook him, ripping away the chains that held him captive in his nightmares.

~~~

In the days that followed, Buck tried to breach the subject of the nightmares once, but JD denied them, hiding behind ignorance to escape Buck's prodding questions. He'd taken that as a sign that JD wasn't ready to talk about it, figuring the kid needed some space. Black shadows under eyes gone dim because of too many hours without sleep and a shrinking frame that was already too small had Buck arguing with himself.

Something was wrong beyond the physical. JD's injury was healing, his life was pulling itself together again, and his routine was falling back into the old pattern. But dread hung over him in a pall that Buck thought he could almost see.

~~~

JD had finally fallen asleep despite the energy he put into staying awake. Buck found him on the sofa, his head thrown back against the cushions, lips parted with soft breaths. Just as Buck was about to turn away, JD moaned. Buck's feet turned to stone, rooting him to the spot. Sounds and then words bled from JD's mouth. "-- Don't touch me -- stop -- you're hurting me --" The kid's hands moved to his crotch, cupping himself in protection. Fear clutched at Buck with skeletal fingers, shredding through his skin to the bone beneath, exhuming his soul. Queasy with terror, he backed out of the room, shame an unwelcome guest in his heart.

~~~

The ride home didn't take nearly as long as he needed. Buck entered the apartment he shared with JD, determination pushing him on. Today he'd do it; today he'd break through his anguish and JD's walls. Leaving JD to drown alone made him feel like he'd failed, and the stink of it crowded his nervousness, cowed it into hiding.

He walked into the living room and sat down. "JD?"

His call brought his hobbling roommate into view. "Hey." JD raised his hand in greeting. "I didn't know you were here. Just get back?"

"Yeah." He patted the cushions next to him.

JD bypassed the couch. "On my way to get something to drink. You want anything?""

Uneasiness caught at Buck. He shifted on the couch, sensing JD's unwillingness to be near him. "Not right now, thanks. How'd it go at the hospital? Did ya get your stitches out?"

"Yeah, sure did." JD's voice wavered, joy missing from what should have been exciting news. "Doc said I can go back to the office next week for light work. Maybe another month before I can go back out into the field." His voice grew louder as he walked back into the living room, a glass of some kind of orange drink in his hand.

"That's great, kid." Buck leaned forward to brace his elbows on his knees. He looked down at the carpet, studying the pattern. "You get any sleep?"

"Oh yeah --" Buck glanced up just as JD made an abbreviated stretch with one arm over his head. "Fell asleep and took a short nap before going to the hospital this afternoon."

"Uh -huh." Buck stood, then shifted to face JD. Looking him in the eyes, staring into those wide-open hazel windows almost stole his confidence. "Did you have another nightmare?"

JD's smile faltered. "Nightmare? No, I --"

"I know, JD. I know what you've been going through."

It was the wrong thing to say. JD's face closed tight, his lips drained bloodless as he pressed them together. "You don't know anything."

Needing some space, Buck walked across the room. He stopped and turned to face JD. "Yeah, I do. I live with you, remember?" He glanced around the room. "Walls are pretty thin here, kid. You can't hardly do nothin' without me hearin' it."

"What do you mean?"

Buck sighed, disappointed JD was forcing him to say it, to bring it out into the open where they could both see it. "It was Reynolds wasn't it? He hurt you. He touched you --"

~~~

His anger exploded. With one violent throw, he smashed the glass against the wall, just missing Buck's shoulder. A bloom of orange painted the white surface and dribbled down, streaking to the floor. Shocked silence held the room in its surreal embrace. Buck's blue eyes appeared almost black in his pale face. His body quivered with tension. His lips parted but he remained silent.

"I'm -- I'm sorry --" JD stammered, his eyes anywhere but on Buck. Anger ran from him in cooling rivulets, sucking his soul dry. The black, putrid oil of denial that had coated his spirit burned and curled away in relief's purifying fire.

"JD."

He looked up. Buck reached out to him, his steps hesitant as he stumbled forward. A hard, heavy wall of fear abruptly slammed down around JD and he shrank from his friend's touch. "Sorry, Buck." He smiled, the muscles pulling weakly across his face, and shrugged. "I'll clean this up. I don't know what that was --"

"No."

The soft word slapped him with its finality.

"No," Buck repeated, his voice low, hammering persistently through the chinks in his wall. "Not this time. It's over, JD. No more pretending. No more hiding. This stops here and it stops now."

Panic tightened the skin across his forehead and chased air out of his chest. I can't! Don't you understand? I can't do this! The denial choked in his throat, blocking off the urgent need to agree with Buck. Instead, he turned toward the kitchen. "I'll just get the mop and maybe some --"

"Stop it!"

The shouted command thrummed against his back. He stiffened, his spine straightening so fast he heard it pop. Anger bloomed in him again, rising like a black tide behind his eyes. He turned back to Buck. "What the hell's wrong with you?"

Buck shook his head slowly. "It's you, JD."

"Me?" JD turned away. "Fine, clean it up yourself. I'm gonna go--" A hand grabbed his shoulder and pulled him around. He gasped, surprised by the move, repulsed by the touch, hurt with the way his torso stretched with the turn. "Let go of me!" Jerking from Buck's hand he backed away. He hit hard against the wall, the violence of the sudden stop jarring through his body. His breathing jerked fast through his lungs, gusting in little bursts from his mouth.

"Take it easy, JD." Buck looked so pale, so frightened. A tremor shook his voice from its usual timbre, throwing off his tone. It grated against JD, as irritating as fingernails on chalkboard. He pushed against the wall, shoving himself forward. Buck backed up.

"Take it easy? Take it easy?" He shuffled forward, his healing body not ready for his demands. He punched the heels of his hands against Buck's shoulders, forcing him backward. A tiny thrill shot through him when his friend backed up easily, his features flinching with reaction. "You take it easy, you son of a bitch."

The back of Buck's knees came up sharp against the arm of the couch. He tumbled backwards then rolled off the edge of the furniture to land on his side on the floor. He stayed there, his eyes cutting a stare at JD from under lowered eyebrows. JD simply stood and watched him, trying to understand why he'd just pushed his best friend down.

Buck propped himself up on his elbows. "Feel better?"

JD took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "No." He swayed in the darkness but resisted opening his eyes. He heard Buck stand, then a hand grasped his arm firmly and steered him to the sofa. He sat.

Silence swelled in the room. It oozed over everything, boring into JD's head, filling him up, and crowding out his thoughts and memories. His anger ebbed slowly away, draining out of his fingers and toes and melting through the floor. He felt numb, unattached to his body, floating above it all and looking down at the pitiful copy of the man he'd once been. Sorrow poured into him, filling all the spaces anger had left empty. It squeezed around his heart and burned his eyes, twisting his mouth into a cadaverous grimace.

Warmth touched his arms, slid up his shoulders, enfolded around his back and against his chest. A cheek pressed to his own, catching the sudden tears that slid from beneath his eyelids and pooled in the crease of his lips. Soothing words slipped softly into his heart, stealing past the anguish, driving it out and replacing it with hope. JD found his arms around Buck. He clawed his fingers into his friend's shirt and pulled him closer, using him as a bulwark to ride out the tidal wave of despair that threatened to break over his head. Time held still for him, allowed the comfort to last into an eternity. JD slept.

~~~

Buck rocked JD gently in his arms. The grief had come abruptly and Buck had barely managed to catch him. He closed his eyes, allowing the last of his tears to squeeze out and run down his face, drying before they reached his chin. He knew it wasn't over, that JD still had things to work through, fears to face. Chris needed to be told and he was sure a counselor would be arranged. But the first step had been taken here. JD was on his way back. Remembering that first night in the hospital after the operation, Buck repeated his promise to JD, this time whispering it in his ear: "Long as it takes, kid, I'll be here. As long as it takes."

Night drifted across the city, darkening the windows. Buck ignored the passage of time, willing to let JD sleep as long as he could. JD needed his rest for the battles that would come later. But at least he didn't have to face them alone.

THE END

Shellie

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