One Payday Mr. Goodbar wanted a Bit O'Honey so he took Miss Hershey back in the Power
                   house on the corner of Clark & Fifth Ave. He began to feel her Mounds and that was sure
                   Almond Joy which made his Tootsie Roll. He let out a Snicker and his Butterfingers went up her
                   Kit Kat and caused a Milky Way. She screamed "O Henry" and squeezed his Zagnuts. Miss
                   Hershey said you were even better than the Three Musketeers. Soon she was a bit Chunky.
                   Nine months later she had a Baby Ruth.
 

                   When President Clinton was going to give his state of the union address the other night, there
                   was so much coverage of the OJ trial, that in order to get the media's attention, he had Al
                   Gore drive him to the senate in a white ford bronco.
 
 

                   The recently married couple split up shortly after the wedding. The trouble started when the
                   husband arrived home from work and found his new wife lying naked on the couch. "What's for
                   dinner?" he asked. "Pussy," she replied.
                   "Damn," the husband spat. "That's what I had for lunch."
 
 

                   A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theatre. As he lay there
                   breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three
                   seats. Didn't you learn any manners? Where did you come from?" The man looked up helplessly
                   and said, "The balcony!"
 
 

                   Q. What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
                   A. National Dyslexics Association.
 
 

                   If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be
                   delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and
                   dry cleaners depressed?
 
 

Two Irish fags: John Fitz Patrick, and Patrick Fitz John.
                        Patrick Fitzsimon and Somin Fitzpatrick
 
 

                             An Irishman was in the South of France, and could not understand why Pierre
                             had attracted all the girls at the beach and he pulled nothing. So he asked Piere,
                             Why do you get all the girls and I get nothing. Piere said take a potatoe, tuck it
                             in your swimming costume, it drives the women wild.
                             So the Irishman stuffed a potatoe in his costume and paraded up and the beach.
                             Many hours later, still no woman.  So the Irishman went to see Piere again and
                             said "I've tried it, it doesn't work". Piere looked at the Irishman and said
                             "Have you tried putting the potatoe in the front".
 
 

                             Or, what is 8 miles long with an IQ of 40?
                             A St. Patricks Day parade!
 
 

                             "Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in  the front of your
                             trousers?"
                             "Ah, said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer  limey Thompson
                             comes feeling my balls, I'II blow his bloody fingers off!"
 
 

                             Two Irishmen met in a pub and discussed the illness of a   third.
                             "Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die."
                             "Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other.
                             "Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but  by my soul,
                             Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put  together."
 
 

                             An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a   compartment on a train.
                             After a while, the priest opened a  conversation by saying "I know that, in your
                             religion, you're not  supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?
                             The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd  occasion."   Then
                             the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know
                             you're supposed to be celibate. But...." The priest replied, "Yes, I know what
                             you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
                             There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the  newspaper he
                             was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
 
 

                             A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first,
                             "What's your name and address?"
                             "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
                             The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
                             "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."
 
 

                             Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea pat
                             yelled: "Mick!  I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do

                             it?"
                             "I just touched this big spinning thing here like this...Damn!  There goes another
                             one!"
 
 

                             The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort,   but it failed: They
                             ran out of scaffolding.
 
 

                             O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he
                             slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his  feet, he felt something wet running
                             down his leg.  "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
 
 

                             What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
                             Third grade.
 
 

                             How do you sink an Irish submarine?
                             Knock on the hatch.
 
 

                             Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen  Mulligan
                             lately,Pat?"  Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."  His friend asked, "Shure,
                             and what d'ye mean by that?"   Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who
                             I thought was   Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when
                             we  got up to one another...it was neither of us."
 
 

                             The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the
                             first chukka.
 
 

                             Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick   O'Reilly
                             wandered by.  "Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"
                             Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the   strongest
                             man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."  Mick leaned out and grabbed
                             Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to  no avail.  After two more unsuccessful
                             attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure,  an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon
                             could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get  some help."
                             As Mick was-leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it  tvill help if Oi pull
                             me feet out of the stirrups?"
 
 

                             The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally  abandoned. Not one horse
                             could get a decent footing on the  cathedral roof.
 
 

                             Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them   to the Scots as a
                             joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
 
 

                             Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an   agent's hands. The agent
                             wrote up a sales blurb for the house  that made wonderful reading.  After
                             Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I  got all ye say
                             there?"  The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"
                             Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."
 
 

                             Paddy and Mick were approaching a Londonderry pub which had   been destroyed
                             by a Protestant bomb only minutes before. As they passed, a head   rolled out of
                             the smoldering ruins and across the pavement before them. Paddy stooped,
                             picked it up and held it for Mick to see.
                             "Shure now Mick, isn't this Sean Murphy?"
                             "No, Paddy, no, it couldn't be. It's an amazin' resemblance, but  Murphy was
                             taller than that."
 
 

                             How can you identify an Irish pirate?
                             He's the one with patches over both eyes.
 
 

                             Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a   lineup with ten other
                             fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room. Paddy jumped
                             forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize her anywhere! "
 
 

                             "Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor  questioned his
                             client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"   "Oh, no," replied Mrs.
                             O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
                             The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
                             "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first  out of bed."
                             Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go  in for unnatural
                             connubial practices?"
                             "Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the
                             connubial."
                             Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find  out are what
                             grounds you have."
                             'Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.'
                             "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable  exasperation,"you need a
                             reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this
                             divorce?"
                             "Ah, well now," said the lady,"Shure it's because the man can't  hold an
                             intelligent conversation. "
 
 

                             Tim Kelly was walking through a dim passageway when someone   spoke to him.
                             "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be  knowin' your old
                             friend Grogan anymore?"
                             Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages  and adhesive
                             plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning  on a crutch.  "Saints! " cried
                             Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye  merely jump from the trestle?"
                             "It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it. But the truth
                             is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy  himself comes in with a
                             murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand,  and the inconsiderate creature beat the
                             livin' bejazus outa me."
                             "He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself,  Grogan? Hadn't ye
                             nothin' in your own hand?"
                             "Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing in   itself, but not
                             worth a dom in a fight."
 
 

                             As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright   young girl named Lena
                             shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and  made her way to New York where
                             before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
                             Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a  Saturday night
                             went to confession in the church which she had  always attended as a child. In
                             the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her
                             work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know
                             what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind  of thing she
                             did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of  Father
                             Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping  splits, handsprings and
                             backflips.
                             Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies.
                             They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide  eyes, and one said to the other.
                             "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me
                             without   me bloomers on!"
 
 

                             Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway   tavern. To Mike
                             Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said "Mike, I'II be  havin' three whiskeys."
                             Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. "Now, Timothy, it's not the
                             usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It's celebratin', you are. "Ahh, ye
                             know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebrating me first blow job."
                             Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar.   "Now, that's
                             special," he said. "For an old customer like y'rself, here's a fourth on the house,
                             so I may be sharin' your celebration with you." Shandy shook his head, and
                             replied "Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal, but I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of
                             the taste,  four won't either. "
 
 

                             When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what
                             they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!
 
 

                             An Irishman's wife calls the doctor, stating that her husband has taken ill. The
                             doctor asks if she had taken his temperature; she replied that she hadn't but
                             would and then call back. When she hadn't called within a half hour, the doctor
                             cailed and asked what had happened. She said 'Well, I didn't have a
                             thermometer, so I put a barometer on his chest and it said dry, so I gave him a
                             pint and he went off to work!"
 
 

                             Pat came to tell Mrs. O'Flaherty about her husband' s untimely drowning in a vat
                             of beer at the brewery.
                             "Oh, the poor man" she sobbed, "Please, tell me, did he suffer   much?" " I don't
                             think so mum; he came out three times to pee!"
 
 

                             Why did God invent whiskey?
                             To prevent the Irish from ruling the world.......
 
 

                             The Factory of the future will have two employees,  a dog and a man.
                             The man will be there to feed the dog, the dog will be there to prevent the man
                             from touching the machines...