1. I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
2. A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
3. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
4. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
5. Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
7. As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
8. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
9. I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
10. Joan of Arc heard voices too.
11. When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
12. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
13. Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
14. I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup with a 12- pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
3. Remember: "Ya'll" is singular, "All ya'll" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
5. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying: they can't understand you either.
6. "Mom'n'em" is not one person. When someone asks, "How's your Mom'n'em?" They are referring to the whole family.
7. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
8. If you hear a southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely the last words he'll ever say.
9. When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere and the rest learned to drive while road hunting in the back roads. In both cases, this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
10. Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to aim.
11. Shakespeare is a rod or a reel, not a writer.
12. Duct tape is not only part of every survival kit, it is the whole kit.
13. Rasslin' is not fake. Don't dare whisper otherwise unless you want a kind-hearted southerner to fix your busted head with duct tape.
14. Grapefruit is not a substitute for biscuits and gravy.
15. Richard Petty, Dale Earnhardt and Elvis are good ole boys. Jeff Gordon isn't.
16. Turkey hunters actually curse Noah for letting coyotes and armadillos on the Ark.
17. If you hear a turkey gobble, get out of the way. Some southerners view that sound like pay-off bells at a slot machine.
18. Don't be surprised if an obituary mentions that the deceased requested to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
19. "Ya'll come back now, ya here," is a temporary statement. We love Yankees to visit, but damn Yankees are those who decide to stay.
20. If you decide to stay in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

You a Musician? Wanna be? Check this place out!

Loser: 1979 Coon-dog Semi-finals.

"Naw, it ain't quite this big. That ain't a problem, is it?"

Check these out!
(You don't have to save an .exe file to your hard drive...
Just run it from it's location!!)

• Play Knockout! Neat new game from Boxerjam!

• Jokes! Pretty self explanatory...

• Daniel's brother's page. Hillarious!!!

• Soundz... A collection of sounds and video.

• Take the IQ test! C'mon! Find out how smart you are!

• Need some buttons? Funny .exe file. (Get even with practical jokers!)

• Neat little screensaver. Save it to a folder, right-click and install.

• For the love of my life, Kimberly.

• Tribute to Mama. Thanks for looking...

• Swat the fly! KILL that nasty sucker!

• Links. Some of my favorite sites. Mail me some of yours, please? :)

• Bet on Bond. Internet gaming at it's best!