Chapter
12: Patience at the time of bereavement
The loss of a loved one is a time when a person may be overwhelmed
with grief, and many customs surrounding bereavement reflect the depth of the
feeling of loss. Wailing, eulogizing (i.e. praising the deceased excessively)
and tearing one’s garments are all customs which were well known at the time
of Jâhiliyyah, and are still common among some Muslims. Such conduct is not
permitted in Islâm, as the believer is required to face bereavement, like all
the other trials of life, with patience.
It is permitted to cry or weep, softy, before death, at the time of
death, and after the person has died. According to ash-Shâfi‘î, however, it
is makrûh to cry after the person has died, but permissible before the
soul has departed.
The correct opinion is that crying is permitted both before and
after death. The evidence for this is the hadîth narrated by Jâbir ibn
‘Abdullâh (RA) in which he said: “My father died at the battle of Uhud, and
I began to weep. The people told me to stop, but the Messenger (SAAS) never
asked me to stop. Then my aunt Fâtimah began to weep too, and the Prophet (SAAS)
said: ‘It does not matter whether you cry or not, the angels kept shading
him until they ascended with his soul’ ” (agreed upon).
Ibn ‘Abbâs (RA) reported that when Ruqayyah (RA), the daughter
of the Prophet (SAAS), died, the women started to cry, and ‘Umar (RA) began to
whip them to make them stop. The Prophet (SAAS) told him: “O ‘Umar, leave
them alone and let them cry.” To the women he said: “Go ahead and cry,
but avoid the crying of the shaytân…Whatever comes from the eye and
heart is from Allâh and is a sign of mercy, and whatever comes from your hand
and your tongue is from the shaytân.” (Ahmad)
A number of sound ahâdîth describe the Prophet (SAAS)
weeping on a number of occasions when someone he loved had died. When the
Prophet (SAAS) visited the tomb of his mother he wept, and caused others to
weep. When he was burying the martyr ‘Uthmân ibn Madh’un (RA) after Uhud,
he kissed him and his tears fell on ‘Uthmân’s face. When he gave the news
of the death of Ja’far (RA) and his companions in the battle against the
Romans at Mu’tah, he spoke with tears streaming down his face.
Another sound report describes how Abû Bakr (RA) wept when he
kissed the Prophet (SAAS) after he had died. The ahâdîth that forbid crying
should be interpreted as referring to the kind of crying that is accompanied by
eulogizing and wailing.
Eulogizing and wailing
Eulogizing the dead and wailing in grief are harâm, according to
Ahmad, ash-Shâfi‘î and others. In a hadîth narrated from ‘Abdullâh
ibn Mas‘ûd (RA), that the Prophet (SAAS) said: “He is not one of us who
strikes himself on the cheeks, rends his garment and behaves like the people of
Jâhiliyyah” (al-Bukhârî and Muslim).
Abû Mâlik al-Ash‘arî (RA) said: “The Prophet (SAAS) said: ‘There
are four habits which my Ummah has, which are from the Jahiliyyah. My Ummah will
never rid itself of them. They are: seeking pride in noble descent; slandering
one another by casting doubts one one’s lineage; seeking rain through
astrology; and wailing.’ ” In another hadîth, the Prophet (SAAS)
said that if a woman practices the custom of wailing, and does not repent before
she dies, on the Day of Resurrection she will be raised with clothes of tar and
a shield of scabs. (Muslim)
Abû Mûsâ (RA) said: “The Prophet (SAAS) said: ‘The
deceased person suffers because of the wailing of the living. When the wailing
woman says, “What a great loss! I have lost my right arm, the one who clothed
me”, the deceased will be pulled up sharply and asked: “Are you her right
hand? Are you her support? Are you the one who clothed her?” ’ ”
(Ahmad).
There is no doubt that wailing and eulogizing are harâm.
How could it be otherwise, when they indicate discontent with one’s Lord and
contradict patience? Behaving this way harms oneself too, when one slaps one’s
face, pulls out one’s hair, prays to Allâh to take one’s soul, wastes
possessions by tearing one’s clothes, complains of injustice from Allâh and
praises the deceased with qualities that he did not possess. Any of these would
be sufficient grounds for the total prohibition of wailing and eulogizing.
Saying a few words
It is permissible to say a few words when crying over a deceased
person, so long as these words are true, and are not accompanied by wailing or
expression of discontent with the decree of Allâh. Such brief words do not
contradict patience, and are not harâm. Anas (RA) reported that Abû
Bakr (RA) entered upon the Prophet (SAAS) after he had passed away, put his
hands on his temples, kissed him between the eyes and said: “O my Prophet, O
my dearest friend, O my beloved.” (Ahmad)
Anas (RA) reported that when the Prophet (SAAS) became very ill, he
started to lose conciousness. Fâtimah (RA) said, “How great is the distress
of my father!” He said, “There will be no more distress for your father
after today.” When the Prophet (SAAS) passed away, she said, “O my
father who answered the call of his Lord, O my father whose destination is
Paradise, O my father, to Jibrîl will tell the news of your death.” After the
Prophet (SAAS) had been buried, she said, “O Anas, how could you bear to bury
the Prophet and cover him with dust?” (al-Bukhârî)
When his son Ibrâhîm died, the Prophet (SAAS) said, “We are
very sad for your death, O Ibrâhîm.” This does not indicate discontent
with the decree of Allâh or complaining against Allâh. Such statements are no
more than crying or weeping.
The deceased person
suffers because of people’s wailing over him
A sahîh hadîth narrated from ‘Umar ibn al-Khattâb (RA)
and his son, and al-Mughîrah ibn Shu‘bah indicates that a deceased person
suffers because of people’s wailing over him. There should be no problem in
understanding this hadîth, and it should not be seen as contradicting
the Qur’ân or the basic principles of Sharî‘ah. It does not mean
that a man can be punished because of another’s deeds. The Prophet (SAAS) did
not say that the deceased person will be punished because of his family’s
crying over him. What he said was that the deceased suffers because of that,
meaning that it hurts him. Similarly, a dead person in the grave might suffer
when a person in a neighbouring grave is being punished, just as in the life it
hurts him to see his neighbour being punished. So when the family of a deceased
person cries, wails and eulogizes him, like the people of Jâhiliyyah
used to do, the deceased person will be hurt in his grave because of it. This is
the suffering that is referred to in the hadîth.
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