Comedy
# 222 November 15, 2002
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(Thanks David!) http://www.humorsphere.com/fun/colortest.swf Take the color test!
(Thanks Georgia!) Subject: Digital Clock breakthrough: The University of Poland have finally finished their Internet-based digital clock. DO CHECK THIS OUT- BRILLIANT
http://www.yugop.com/ver3/stuff/03/fla.html
(Thanks Paul!) http://dribbleglass.com/ lots of good stuff, check out the billboards!
Comedy Links: http://dribbleglass.com/links.htm
"Support Your Right To Keep And Arm Bears."
(Thanks David!)
Someone sent me an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things you've started. It is definitely working for me. I am now making a point of always finishing what I start, and I think I am well on my way toward finding inner peace. Because I care for you, I am passing this wisdom on to you.
Here are the things that I have finished today:
Two bags of potatochips
A strawberry cheesecake
A package of Oreo's
A bottle of wine
A small box of chocolates
And a bottle of tequila.
I think this really works, because I feel better already!!!
Pass this along to everyone you know who may need Inner Peace.
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The latest ploy to drive the Taliban and Al Qaeda out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, and Cooter are being sent in with the following information about the Taliban:
1. There is no limit.
2. The season opened last weekend.
3. They taste like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music, or Jesus.
5. Some is queer.
6. They don't like barbeque.
7. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.
Should be over in about a week.
(Thanks Georgia!) Cannibals in the Workplace:
Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our Secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, then you had to go and eat a Secretary!"
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Great Quotes by Great Ladies!
Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin-
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky-
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley-
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man- if you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
(Thanks Mary!) In My Next Life....
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup....Gonna be a bear.
(Thanks Linda!) Prescriptions and English: Available over the counter or in prescription strength.
S t . M o m ' s W o r t
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
F l i p i t o r
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
A n t i b o y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
M e n i c i l l i n
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-One-all
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
J a c k A s s p i r i n
Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
S e x c e d r i n
Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
R a g a m e t
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
(Thanks Tee!) HOW DID WE SURVIVE?
…Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have.
…As children we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
…Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
…Our baby cribs were painted with bright colored lead based paint. We often chewed on the crib, ingesting the paint.
…We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets.
…We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
…We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.
…We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day.
…We played dodge ball and sometimes the ball would really hurt.
…We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda, but we were never overweight; we were always outside playing.
…Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
…Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.
…That generation produced some of the greatest risk-takers and problem solvers.
…We had the freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
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