Read this issue online:
https://www.angelfire.com/al2/swanson/comedy296.html
(You can see any issues you missed online: change issue # in the URL to any number from 84 to current.)
Pauly C: Dedicated to the laziest man alive. Don't miss the time travel photos.
THE CHRONICLES OF GEORGE: The worst help desk technician ever.
Strange Reports: Pranks online.
MCDONALD'S EMPLOYEE SIMULATOR: A day in the life of a McDonald's worker. Hopefully, this is a new experience for you...
SIGN LANGUAGE: A collection of photos containing humorous, bizarre, and or confusing signs from around the world.
(Thanks Bill!) A Different Position:
A husband says to his wife, "Hey, you want to try a different position tonight?"
The wife replies, "That's a great idea! Why don't you stand at the sink and do the dishes, and I'll sit on the sofa and fart."
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Golfing Buddies:
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux had been friends for 35 years and had played golf together every Wednesday and Sunday - 52 weeks a year - for 28 years. One day Thibodeaux storms into the locker room and declares, "Dat's IT - I ain't never gon' play no more golf wid Boudreaux - I ain't never even gon' SPEAK to that sumbitch again."
Everyone was shocked at the hassle between the long-time friends, "Thibodeaux - why you mad at Boudreaux? He your bes' fren' - what happened?"
"He a ain't no good for nuttin CHEATER - dat's why!" stormed Thibodeaux.
Cheating at golf was a very serious charge at the club and had to be further examined "What he do? How you know he cheat?"
"Cuz we was on 17 and he knock dat ball over de bunker where you can't see where it's at. We didn't see no ball and while I was lookin' in de rough - Boudreaux, he holler, 'Hey, Thibodeaux here my ball - 2 feet from de cup' - dat lying, cheatin' sumbitch."
Cooler heads tried to prevail, "Now, Thibodeaux, 17 is a 278 yard hole but maybe he strike dat ball real good, got a nice, li'l friendly wind and maybe dat ball roll right up dere - how you know dat didn't happen, Thibodeaux an' his ball just get a li'l bit lucky?"
"Cause dat lyin', cheatin' sumbitch's ball was in my POCKET - DAT'S how I know."
(Thanks Dave!) Robot:
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.
A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "150." So the robot proceeded to make conversation
about quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on. The
man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."
The man decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
The man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot
asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "50."
The robot then said, "So, are you Democrats really going to vote for John Kerry?"
(Thanks Paul!) Everyone knows Murphy's Law: "Anything that can go wrong, will..." - Here are some other Laws you may not have heard!
Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Lowery's Law of Home Repair: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway
Beach's Law: Interchangeable parts aren't.
Tussman's Law: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
Lane's Law of Supply and Demand: The one item you need is always in short supply.
Cannon's Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Martin's Law of Meteorology: The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
Ehrlich's Law: The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
Norman Einstein's Law: If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Col. Murphy's Law of Combat: Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!
(Thanks Mary L!) Your stupid criminal of the day:
Officers patrolling a neighborhood after a home burglary noticed a man sitting alone in his car. The man was eating a Popsicle and when he was finished threw the Popsicle stick out of his window. He ate a second Popsicle and threw that Popsicle stick out of the window. The officers arrested the man. He wasn't charged with littering, he was charged with burglary. The only thing taken in the home burglary was a box of popsicles.
(Thanks Mary C!) MEMO TO THE FAMILY DOG &/OR CAT...
Dear Dog and Cat,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate & food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food & dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.)
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.....
Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/comedyweek
http://www.smokersclub.com
(Thanks Michael!) Archived at New York Press. Just saw this and thought it was a lot funnier than the usual "fill in the blank" form letters I've seen.
Political Ebill Madlib
Well, this takes the cake. ____________ (Politician’s name) has sunk to the level of ________ (despotic dictator) with the new _________ (current event).
And I thought this was supposed to be America! _________ (20th century president) would never have allowed this to happen. Now that was a real leader—when he spoke, people listened. And that was a much better time for America. People today, particularly in the ________ (the word "right" or the word "left")—biased media have forgotten that.
Also it’s shocking how little coverage this thing is getting. I’ll bet the assholes who own ____________ (Newspaper) want to bury this thing so it doesn’t embarrass their ___________ ("Right Wing corporate goon" or "Chardonnay-sipping limousine liberal") cronies.
This whole thing reminds me of __________ (Movie title). It’s too bad that _________ (movie character) can’t see this. He’d come out and say __________ (famous movie quote). Things would shape up real fast—you bet!
One thing’s for certain: everything is totally changed now.
Knipfel Ebill madlib
Something odd is happening. In fact, a lot of odd things are happening. The ____________ (monster) problem in _____________ (3rd world country) looks to be getting even more severe. You almost expect things like that to happen. But when less than a week later, _____________ (newswire service) reports villages are infested with radioactive ____________ (noun), and all the mutant ___________ (insects, preferably arachnid)? That’s when you start thinking that something peculiar is afoot.
The echoes of ____________ (obscure, out of print b-movie) became too great to ignore. Granted, that movie concerned a giant radioactive __________ (animal) that attacks __________ (city). So at first you might think, "Well, they’re completely unrelated—these monsters here were nowhere near __________ (city)!" Until you read reports of scientists trying to track down _________ (monster) that has been gobbling up _________ (animals) left and right for the past several months.
And it’s not just giant ________ (scary adjective) monsters, either (though there have been an unusual number of those in the news this year). The _________ (News Wire Service) reported that _________ (Government agency) is developing a ____________ (bizarre science fiction super weapon). Of course, they’re not calling it that. Does _________ (Giant-Monster-rampaging-through-city movie) ring a bell?
Anyway, it’s probably better there than in New York, where you can’t even enjoy a _______ (positive adjective) smoke.
J.R. Taylor Ebill Mad lib
It’s always good to see _________ (Left Wing media organization) exposed as a morally-bankrupt spin machine. It seems the scandal over __________ (Right Wing politician currently in news) will rank with the _________ (month-old news story) or ____________ (two-month-old news story)—two other fake scandals in which the _________ (Left Wing media organization) didn’t mind misleading the public.
Already, _________ (mainstream media organization) has suffered a major embarrassment in their coverage. They’ve been shamed into changing the headline _____________ (News headline) But followers of that statement—now famously paraded as "__________" (current Left Wing buzzword)—will be pretty confused by the _________'s (Left Wing organization) weasely new attempt to perpetuate a lie.
That’s why the ________ (Left Wing organization) that Bush "misled the American people," abbreviates ________’s (Right Wing Politician) claim. This raises a big question, all right. Mainly, why aren’t the Democrats comfortable with providing ________’s (Right Wing Politician) full quote?
The answer, of course, is this would mean the ____________ (Left Wing media group) would then have to deal with the full truth. And then what would Barbra Streisand talk to __________ (non-too bright Left Wing celebrity) about?
