Eight Legged Freaks pisses people off.

Brilliant movie review by Evan: I saw Eight Legged Freaks last night at about 2:30 in the morning when I couldn't sleep. After watching it, I was in such pain, I was wishing for the gift of eternal sleep death would provide. Wow. I couldn't believe a major film studio bought the script to this steaming piece of pig shit. This movie could have been worse than Ready to Rumble, See Spot Run, and Three Thousand Miles to Graceland, three other steaming pieces of industrial grade horse shit that featured dipshit extraordinaire David Arquette. Here's the basic premise of the movie, so you can spare yourself the dehumanizing ordeal of actually watching this God awful train wreck: Creepy little freak kid is shown exotic spiders by his creepy freak friend. The spiders, coincidentally enough, are right next to a mine shaft "rumored to have gold" but also has large amounts of methane gas and nuclear waste allowed to be stored there by some fat guy named Cletus or some shit. The spiders mutate to a size something like a thousand times that of their original size, and they're not just any spiders, they're "Jumping Spiders," just one of the many spiders that are harmless to humans. They start with some vague killings of pets: dogs, cats, ostriches (yes, ostriches) and work their way up to wrapping humans in their super strong, nuclear grade webs and taking them back to their den. Meanwhile, a bullshit romance is brewing between David Arquette and the slut they've got playing the lead female role, who has a daughter that is 16 and is 32 herself. Early in the movie, she gives her daughter a taser to use if her date gets too "frisky." Surprise surprise, she uses it on him and sets up the most painstakingly unrealistic chase scene featuring motorcycles and flaming spiders in which only our frisky prick survives. Anyway, the two main characters, after David Arquette's aunt is captured by a spider, start kicking thorax and taking names and go to the most paranoid radio personality in the area's trailor and start spreading the word of the giant spiders. They convince everyone in town to go to the mall where there are steel doors and concrete walls that spiders still manage to break through. David Arquette finds himself up on a radio broadcasting satellite with the paranoid guy and calls the cops in the next town. Meanwhile, his bitch is down trying to figure out how to stop the spiders. They find themselves wandering collectively, after many of them have been picked off, into the mineshafts. Down here, they can't shoot the spiders or the methane would ignite and everyone would die like Iraqi civilians. We revisit our horny hero from earlier, who finds Cletus and they try to drive off on the bike but the spiders capture Cletus. Lover boy drives off, and he meets with the group. David Arquette sends the group off so he can go and look for his aunt. He finds that she is the only one alive, and he starts to book it out of there on the motorcycle that the horny hero left behind, his old smoking aunt on the bike with him. The big scary spider is chasing them, and in the meantime, the others are outside trying to get the lights in the mine to light. They need electricity though! Where will they get it! Hey! It's the ball shockers to the rescue! Yes, the same taser to roast the the nuts of the horny hero is now used to put electricity through the broken lights and blow up the gold tunnel. Thankfully, the shitty excuse for monsters all go with it and the movie ends with the scary black radio guy talking about how he got his gold teeth from the mine. HOW FUNNY. It was a big shitbomb for anyone thinking of pouring two hours of their life into the crapper by watching it, so I warn you, stay away from this thing and do something more constructive with your time like beating the homeless or jacking off.