Evan: The other night I went to see Bruce Almighty, which by the way kicked some major ass and you should see, and I was there with about 7 or 8 guys and 7 or 8 girls. My friend, who all girls I know piss themselves to hang out with beca use they find him "cute," (a phrase which annoys the shit out of me) and all the girls that we were talking to went into the row in front of us. My friend proceeds to say, "That always happens to me, I swear girls hate me." I then proceeded to pick up the seat next to me, with a person in it, and heave it into his face, all the while giving a mighty bellowing laugh. I wanted to do that, or stab him, out of sheer anger at what had just transpired. He, the "cute" guy in school, had just said that girls hate him. I've got news for you dipshit, there are guys out there who are genuinely offended when people with no reason to complain do. I am one of them. You, good friend, (and this goes to all of you whiny pricks that do this) are an asshole for saying anything like that. People would never find you ugly unless you had some massive skin grafts or I stabbed you in the face, my intent as of now. I'm not one of those people who are universally attractive. Most people say I have nothing to complain about. However, I'm not exactly scamming on the girls left and right like certain falsely self-doubting assholes…LIKE YOU. I asked him why he thought girls hated him. He gives me a look similar to that of a cow looking at a train barreling down the tracks about to smear its ass into the ground, and says "What do you mean?" I reply with "Why do you think girls hate you?" His reply: "They just left." Would you like me to let you in on a little something? THAT IS MY LIFE SUMMED UP: GIRLS LEAVING. That's my everyday: girls leaving me constantly. I have never had a real girlfriend, and this asshole has dated the absolute best looking girl in our class. Girls won't listen to me, a person with a somewhat valid, informed opinion on things, because they're too enthralled with Rico Suave talking about how much he likes to wakeboard. Girls don't date me, because they go after Lyle, Kyle, Dylan, Rory, Fabian, (insert more clichéd pussy names here) who happen to be the hottest guys they know, all the while maintaining that they don't really care about how a guy looks. Oh, and by the way, if you're a girl, please, PLEASE stop using the "just friends" line. There's no way a girl and a guy can be just friends with no romantic feelings either way unless one or the other is a beast. It's cutting and insulting to our intelligence as other humans. (Yes, men are humans; this is a concept foreign to most women.) I'll just conclude by paraphrasing what a comedian said, whose name escapes me. If you know what the man's name is, email the address on the main page and let him put it in the article. He said something in the near proximity of this: "You know, getting turned down by a girl who says she wants to be your friend is like being turned down at a job interview. But when they turn you down, they don't tell you 'Yeah, well, you're exactly what you're looking for! You have the right qualifications, you would fit what we're looking for, there is no reason you shouldn't get this job…however, we're giving it to someone less qualified than you. But, we will call you on occasion and bitch to you about how much we wish the person we hired understood the job better." Just think about that, you shallow, shallow bitches out there. And you too, you shallow, shallow guys.
