I'm not asking "why me" but I'm wondering how and why I threw it all away. Every time all the time. Why is the past coming back to taunt me? To punish me and make me hate myself more for what has happened?

The more I try to think of the future the more I long for the past - the past before all this trouble...when I had friends and a future to look forward to - a promising future.
I'm so lost and isolated - no matter how I try.

I can't go through another spell. I just can't deal with it again. I can't take the pain and the terrible disappointment that I know I'll feel. I won't survive it again.
But what does the future hold? Right now it doesn't look promising. I don't have the energy to start over.

Oh why can't I turn the clock back. OH God I want it all back. I want my future and my friends. I can't start over...I have nothing to start over with. Why did I let it slip through my fingers?

I'm asked if I was scared for being so close. But I wasn't and I'm still not. It was me and I could feel it but it wasn't me - I was elsewhere watching and knowing nothing would happen.
Panic? No, not till after. But the fight was strong - so strong there was no real fight.

I can't compete with others - there's a limit and I lose all perspective. But to compete or fight within myself or against odds - I can do. It's enticing, the danger is exciting. I love the feeling of succeeding.

I'm asked what if I lose at this fight or inner drive--I've never thought of losing. I've always concentrated on the particular fight.
But realistically - no one can always come out in the end and someday I'll be the one to be second to this.
Hopefully if this would happen I hope it's so quick I won't realize it.

Dwell on it? Sure...all the time, it's romanticizing. Just something about it.

Commitment? maybe halfheartedly. If it was full - or if it ever was full - it wouldn't continuously haunt me and taunt me towards an end.

Disaster as the outcome? That's what I've been told - so far others have been right whether I accept it or not. Who's to say, only time will tell.

Denial? Definitely - to the point that I don't like what I see so I choose not to see it.
There's a "problem"--sure, I've known and accepted that.

Disease? No way - it's not always terminal.

Success? I wonder.

To complete each day is hard. To think of the future is almost impossible.
Alternate plans? I have none. I never have thought of them. I take what comes - whether it's good or bad. But I can't handle the bad any more.

Fate? I don't believe in it anymore. It's me and all my doings.
Chance? You're never in the right place at the right time.

Luck? It doesn't exist for me.

God? I know he's out there somewhere - but where I don't know.

Life! I hang on as best I can. Each day, one day, every day.

Exact date unknown:(1985)

The time approaches to start my sentencing. To think about it only brings terror and panic.
To be "jailed" for a "crime" I committed only unto myself. The mental anguish of knowing no live escape and to be trapped in a web of deceit. Defeating all purpose and cause is what I foresee - not that I want it to occur but dread that it may happen.

I must seek a way to vent my anguish but it must be a solo event. I won't deny myself my longing to be alone. That is one thing that I have to keep sane. No one will ever take that away from me.

I feel old and crippled inside and ready to break. But there is also a growing awareness of an older strength. If only I can grasp that strength and pull it forward to the area where it would never fade again! But not knowing whether that strength will be my success or my downfall is my biggest fear. Is it a strength of life or is it a strength of death?
This I need to know before it's too late.

The sentencing has begun and if my present extra burden doesn't diminish then my chances are less than satisfactory. I know me and no one else does or ever can. Why can't others realize that. Just let me be who I am.

It's worse now than ever before because I'm more aware and also so afraid this is for real and permanent. Will it go away? Will I be whole?

They talked last night and even through my discomfort and black exterior some sank in.
Whether for good or bad I really don't know. Good for me since hopefully I'll lose this extra burden through insight. Bad because I'm doing it my way and not the advised way.

Time and days have no meaning. They run into one another and it becomes on big void.
To distinguish them will take time and I'm not even sure I'll be able to accomplish that.

It's backfiring! Disgusting results. SET YOUR MIND! GET YOUR ABILITY! CONCENTRATE! IT'S THERE!

Date 6/20/89

Boredom - worthlessness- hate- disgust. They flow through my mind and settle in my stomach like a lead ball. The disgust I see and feel in my face and body. The worthlessness that hangs over me like a black cloud. The boredom of being idle. Work would brighten most - keep me occupied and busy. Hopefully, eventually diminish the disgust and hate.

Alone - even when constantly surrounded by others - friends? no - only acquaintances.
Jealousy - Definitely!

I was told last night that I don't need to gain any more weight. That means that now I'm FAT. Do you know how long it's been since someone has called me fat? Oh God, what has happened now - from one extreme to the other. I can't handle it this way. It was easier before. Please, Please let it go away.

No - no pleading or begging. No wishing or hoping - it's me that needs to control and over ride this. Give me back my control. You've stripped the last part of myself away from me.
I'm confused as to why and how. I'm upset because of what happened. I'm jealous towards others for their control. I'm full of self loath and hate. Over and over again I try and it just gets worse. When will it stop?

Ups and downs. At times ok - then fall apart again. Commitment is dwindling and crashing around me. How can I put trust and faith in others when I don't have it in myself? The self-hate and loathing is intense and real.

To stop and start life over - would it be different? Or would it follow the same course?

Date unknown:

Down, down, down, falling apart at the seams. Am I worth it or is it worth it? Will it stop or continue to doom? I'm so untrustworthy that I can't even say the words. Beat around the bush and it gets me no where. I can't admit it - even to myself.

Right now...Hate...pure burning hate. To the very soul and core of my being. Let me go back - back to before. Oh God - let me be. I've been told no one is given what one can't handle. Well now I've hit my limit and I can't tell anyone. This is me not anyone else.
I'm not saying I'm special from them but to me, my problem is worse than theirs. They all seem to be handling "it" pretty good and I'm putting on a mask to appear so also...but it's not so. God, you know it's not so.

Memories of times past. My first house that was the beginning of great times...how long did it last...4 years? Is that all I'll ever get of happiness and sanity? Four years?

Scott, the only one I truly loved and who really loved me . We had so many plans for the future. Why did it end? Why did I let him go? It hurts so damn much when I think back on all I had. God...I had a future then, what do I have now? Nothing - no matter what anyone says - there's nothing for me to look forward to. It won't be long. Not too much longer and it's all over.

I didn't think it could get any worse but it has. God - Hear me, please hear me. Don't let me suffer so - I'd rather be dead than to live forever like this. Please don't make me make that decision. I'm scared God - I'm really scared. Please, Please hear me.

Memories-   Writing my farewell letter to my parents after downing you know what.
On my front porch curled up in a ball - feeling like I'm being sucked into a tunnel.
Curled up on the couch - feeling like I'm the only one in the world.
Feeling superior to all others.
Feeling the adrenaline flowing.
Feeling powerful and beating all the odds.
Going on a picnic along the Brandywine - just the two of us.
Strolling along Society Hill, planning our future.
Listening the the Jazz concert at the Mann.
Talking - Listening - Touching - Just Being.

That's what I want God, please that's all I want.

Date unknown:

Today my problem was under control more so than the last couple of days...but it wasn't perfect! That is what I want. I want it ALL! or nothing. No life, no being. A little more control - a little more will power - a little more assurance "I can do it", "I can do it all".
Maybe, just maybe I can make it.
If not... then let it end now because I can't fight anymore.
Be my own being - live my own life. Put on fronts and masks? If it gets me by, sure I'll play along. To live my life the way I want I'll do anything - anything to get what I want.

How long - 2 months it took, 2 months it will take - No more, no less if possible. That would be great, but 2 months is max. If I fail, I've lost my life.

Date: 6/21/92

The past two months have been filled with pain, tears, fear and dread.
For days I laid in ICU, not remembering one day from the next.
Occasional scenes come back - seeing someone standing next to the bed.
Seeing the clock, the sun shining through the window.
I do remember being so scared - I thought I had died or had a stroke.
My speech was blurred, my movements uncontrolled. I apologized repeatedly for hurting my family...or was that all in my head?

God, it's still hard to distinguish reality from fiction. What I believe I remember - is it true or is it from a dream...

God must have plans for me since I happened to be in the hospital when my body went to hell. He saved me again.

I can't do this anymore.

Date: 7/92

I'm still lying to myself and others. My moods are on a constant seesaw, tilting one way or the other but Never Centered. Is this normal at this time or am I in more danger than I know?  To even mention this to my counselor would be devastating to his way of acting and thinking...causing unthinkable consequences. I have to put up a front for his and everyone else's benefit but what price will I pay in the long run...

How many times I've prayed this would end. The Nightmare goes on every day. "If Only's" are constantly running through my mind to the point of Not knowing reality from make believe.

If only...If only...If only...

Am I on the brink of recovery or on the edge of despair?

Date Unknown:

Why do I take things so personally and get so upset? I cry and become depressed so easily.
Is it because I know IT'S true...what they say? Is it because it hurts so much to hear what I really think of myself?
God - it's been so long since I really prayed but I'm praying now - I beg you - I BEG you-
HELP ME.
I'm so afraid - afraid of everything - taking chances for the future and afraid of staying like I am. Give me strength, desire and the courage to move forward.

Date Unknown:

Even though I hated the feeling of added weight, the unexpected realization of decreased weight was more terrifying. Looking down at the number as I stood there put me in a temporary state of shock. It took all my will power not to break down, not realizing how distorted my train of thoughts had been going.

In that moment of panic it finally hit me how easier it would be if I would give up...
and admit my failure and my need for supportive therapy. Up to this time,  I've stubbornly held on to the belief that my way was best. I'm willing to do any and all to stay out of any type of inpatient care.

Memory is a complicated concept. Most of us can't remember what we had for dinner on Thursday, but we may remember the pattern of wallpaper in the bedroom we occupied when we were 10 years old.
Eye witnesses differ in their versions of an accident.
Memory doesn't remain fixed over time. Even from day to day--quoted by Psy. Richard Gardner of Columbia.
Becomes integrated with other memories, each of which is distorted and changed.

Date Unknown:

My frame of mind from negative to positive has never been so abrupt and clear. I realized the change and felt I had to tell someone...maybe looking for reinforcement for my positive outlook. I think my outlook changed after talking to my good friend Sue on the phone.
(She also suffers with anorexia, but overcame the battle.) Her encouragement to keep going no matter what and her understanding of going through "bad days"  helped me realize it's not going to be easy.

I do care what happens and I will work along with the discomfort and the feelings as they come up...even though right now I don't understand them. Hopefully, I'll  become more open during sessions and together(with therapist)  I'll arrive to a clearer understanding.

I want my life back and to have the energy to do the things I'm unable to do now.
I want to enjoy being around others and participating in activities.

I was so happy to see I gained a pound. It was such a relief to know the loss of appetite didn't drop it. The gain is not going to change my determination to even try hard to gain more. I'm going to act on and play up my positive ambition to keep going for as long as it lasts. I know it would be unrealistic to think this is how I'll feel from now on...but for right now I feel good.

The last two days were bad ones. Again, like before it was unexplainable. Thank God it only lasted two days and by last night I was starting to feel normal.
Was it because of the heat that it was so intense? Unfortunately I felt very nauseated yesterday and upset my eating schedule.

So far today I'm trying my best to do for today and also make up for yesterday.
I think I'm looking forward to starting some type of medication, if it will alleviate these down days. I know it won't be a "cure-all" but just a little more help...a push to get me over this hill. I still have many doubts about drugs!

I find myself getting bitchy with my family (which is highly unusual)...then when they get bitchy back, of course, I feel guilty. It's very hard to say anything bad about my family.

Some times I feel like I'll never be over this or be normal. Is there any hope for someone who has been so involved in this disease for so long? Can you honestly answer me?
Can anyone?

I know I need to participate in my treatment but how much do I need to give up?
How many habits do I have to break?

I know I look ugly the way I am but how will I feel about my looks if I do get better?
IF there is a chance of getting better...

Please God, let there be some type of hope for me. I don't want to die looking like this.
I don't want to die never having the chance to experience all the wonders of enjoying company, love, and companionship again. Tell me how to deal with the times when it becomes unbearable. What do I do?

Date 6/8/03:
My words now...

My sister struggled for two more years. On December 3, 1994 she suddenly became fatally ill...and passed away painfully from septicemia, the end result of the toll anorexia took on her young body. It was NOT quick, and I could see in her eyes she knew what was happening. At the very least, my mom and I held her hands while she slipped away from us. I feel her presence in my life everyday...she is my children's guardian angel, of that I am sure.

When admitted into ICU, she weighed 82 lbs. including her clothes and four bed sheets.
Her blood pressure was 30. Her potassium level was 1.2.  She stopped breathing several times...was given three medications to raise her blood pressure to 70. She was on a respirator and semi-conscious by the time I drove from NYC to Media, PA.
At 8 o'clock that Saturday night, she lost her battle.

I would like to include portions of the heartfelt letters she had written me over the years...
to help you better understand her.  I treasure them with all my heart.

Dated Oct.5, 1985

The verse on the card reads:

When the world closes in and lies so heavily upon you...remember that I care.
When the ones with whom you share your life seem like strangers...remember that I care.
When love seems to only bring you pain...remember that I care...
What cannot be, cannot be. But always remember, I care.
Never be afraid to come to me, if you have need of the simplest thing.
No matter what it is...I care. ~Kathy Boss

Donna,
We have become so close these last couple years - far more than just sisters - good friends.
I can talk to you and you listen and understand and that means more to me than anything else. It's funny when someone moves away they become closer to the people they left behind.  I'm always here to talk with you if you're down. I can give you advise or insight for what ever you need.
(She was concerned about me because I had moved away to college and having a rough time with my boyfriend. At that time I was 19 and she was 25 years old.)

Next letter dated October 12, 1985. (She was in a Philadelphia hospital eating disorder program. This would be her first inpatient program.)

Hi,
I sure wish I could say everything here is going great but that wouldn't be truthful. Things aren't all bad but I can't wait until I get out. It's so hard and painful-sometimes I can't take anymore. The program is so rigid and the rules are cut and dry. The amount of food is outrageously large considering my caloric intake. To say the least...it creates constant stomach cramps and discomfort.
Did you get my card? At the time I thought you could use it. I really mean everything it said. You know you can always count on me.
Donna, I just can't handle it. It's so hard and all's I want to do is leave. I can't wait till I can come to the mountains and visit you...it's the only peace and sanity I get. I get out of here October 31 or November 1...Hooray!

Next letter dated October 28, 1985

Hi, how are you? Well only four more days then I'm out of here. Do you believe it?
I feel like I'm being set free after Years of chains around my neck - or should I say - after years of food being pushed at me. I'm going to try to do better this time. I have to admit I don't want to go back to that cycle of not eating - but there are still days (lots of them)...that I become scared and just want to stop eating. It's going to have to be dealt with one day at a time.
Once I'm out - we've decided to take it at a slower pace - one that I could handle on my own without panicking. As long as I maintain with promise to gain a set amount over a period of a couple weeks...I'll keep myself out of danger. Now that it's almost over and I look back at all I went through before, it's really hard to believe I lived through it. I had been classified as "sudden death". That's how far I had gone. Do you believe it?
Pretty damn scary once you think about it.

Anyway, that's in the past and hopefully will always stay in the past!

It will be so good to get up there to see you and relax again. I always feel so content when I get back (even if it only lasts for a couple days). Well, I hope everything is going great and things are looking up for you. Take it one day at a time - believe me it's easier to handle.

Love, Susan

Next card dated 6/1/86...(I was working an internship in the Rocky Mountains...)

Take care of yourself and take advantage of this opportunity. I'm sure you'll learn a lot and start to enjoy the experience...I'm behind you all the way!

Next card dated 7/15/86... Thank you for the card. Please don't worry about me. You just concentrate on your advancement. I'm hanging in there the best I can. I think I've already hit bottom and now I've no where to go but up - Right!
Please be careful out there. Love ya lots, Susan

Next card dated 11/2/86...

(She seems very content and happy...she talks about her work as a vet. tech. working in a large animal hospital. All seems well...)

Next card dated 11/4/86...

(She is writing me again because I am not doing well with my college classes...lack of commitment on my part.)

Donna,
I'm proud of you and others are proud of you - now it's your turn > you have got to be Proud of Yourself! Believe in what you do - and if things get too complicated - take it one step at a time. Adjust yourself to the best pace that you can handle. You have your whole life Donna and it's all yours. Love ya!

Next card dated 1/87...

The verse reads...You're more than my sister - you're a "forever" friend. There are times when we seem to think alike, feel alike, behave alike - those are the treasured moments when you are my friend. But there are also times when things aren't going so well - that is when you are my "forever" friend, the one who's always there, standing by to comfort me in my failures as lovingly as you applaud my successes. You are my sister because that's the way it happened to be...you are my lifetime friend because of the beauty inside you. I can't tell you how lucky I feel that you are both of them to me.
Your loving sister forever, Susan

Her letter...Friday night I went out to dinner with Mom and Dad - just to get out for awhile and try to be semi-normal. It was really nice - a little bit of pressure from them but not too bad. I know they are so worried.
As far as my needing to talk to you - it would be easier for you to be here. I might be able to explain a bit better. There is also a journal that some of the areas might let you realize a lot of things I feel. It would be a long and very hard attempt to talk to you...but I feel we are very close because our emotions run along the same line. I need your advice and hopefully understanding of this problem. I've survived this long without actually talking to anyone.
I'm sure I'll be able to make it a little longer, it's just getting harder and harder as time goes on and I don't have much time left. So if you could make it down before I get a chance to come up just let me know - no matter what's going on - I'd cancel except for work, of course.

Next note dated 4/2/89

Donna,
I suspect your weekend didn't go as you planned...but holding it in isn't helping.
If you can't write to me...talk to Sheri...you two have become very close friends.
Just let me know one way or the other. Just don't end up like me - I'll forever be affected by what has happened...and all I do is pray that eventually the pain will ease.
Putting up a false front takes more of an inner toll that is a constant hell - to creep into your thoughts and dreams. May be since I'm so far away I see things clearer now than when I was home and so close to everything. I'm here for you and always will be.
Love you... (She had moved to Kentucky to start over at a small animal clinic...
it didn't last long...she had a serious setback and ended up in the hospital...then moving back in with our parents.)

Card dated 7/28/92...

Verse reads...It's hard to live so far apart when we have so much to share in the special way that sisters do...but I hope you know that the thoughts and memories in my heart make me feel very close to you...and they always will.

Her letter...I hope things are getting easier for you; if you know what I mean. Just remember - anytime things get too tough - call before you get too far into a hole.
Please don't hesitate...I know what it feels like and I really regret not reaching for the phone in the past. I am continuing to send out resumes...nothing promising yet...

Next card dated 9/28/92...

Verse reads...You've always been very special to me, and I'm glad we're part of the same family. You're wise and warm and understanding, and the time I spend with you has always meant a lot. I wonder if you realize just how big an influence you've been in my life. I can't count the times I've caught myself thinking about things you've said, or asking myself what would you do in a certain situation. I enjoy you, look up to you, trust you...and most of all, I love you. ~Linda Lee Elrod

Her letter reads... Last night I had a meeting with my therapist. He's turning out to be a great help. He's really a tremendous support, and Thank God I feel comfortable enough to talk about anything. Half the time - our meetings run over time because we really get into discussions. Usually it's about nothing very important. Last night our conversation went over 20 minutes talking about presidential candidates. Granted, we also talk initially on my"affliction", but we also feel it's not a good idea to center on problems all the time. Getting involved in other interests and ideas - eases stress. Thank goodness we've enough in common to talk of other things.  Here's to better days, Love ya...

There is so much more I could say about Susan...
there is so much more I wished I could done for her...

Among her things, I found this Verse, Author Unknown...