I lived with my mom for 18 years and watched her suffer with the ongoing battle. She went so far as to do laxatives and she got to the point where she would just chew food up and never swallow. I felt as though my whole life I was taking care of her, and she wasn't taking care of me. All I really ever wanted was a normal life with a normal mother who took care of her daughter rather than the other way around. My mom got really sick the summer of 2000. That is when she lost her leg and was diagnosed with a rare lung disease, and from there she went downhill. She eventually lost the function of her kidneys, and her whole body started shutting down. I watched this all happen and I still have decided to do it, but in my own way.

My therapist told me, not too long after my mother died that I was living for her memory, but that I was doing it the wrong way. It started in the spring of 2003 when I decided to start Weight Watchers because I let myself get to be 155 lbs. I am very short and when I was in high school I weighed 146, but I was all muscle. I played lots of sports and never lost a pound. I always thought I was fat, and there were times when even my mom would say things - not directly, but in a way that I knew she agreed with me. Anyway, I started doing Weight Watchers and I followed every rule to a T. I watched my points, I never went over and I made sure if I knew I was going to go out or something, I would save my points for whatever I needed them for. I got to the point where I was eating one Lean Pocket a day. If I might add, I tried diet pills when I was 19 and got really sick to the point where I could barely move. I remember voting for the first time sick and weak. Back to my story, I was only eating one Lean Pocket a day and I was sick and weak and had a headache all the time. I met the guy I am currently with now and I started hanging out with him a lot and eating at his house. I did not want to be rude, so I would eat what they were eating for dinner, etc. Well, to myself I got fat again. I weighed 130 at that time and I didn't like it. I had lost 30 lbs. on Weight Watchers and I felt that I was gaining it all back. My problem didn't really start until right after my mom died. When she died I really didn't have an appetite anyway, but it helped me to maintain my habit. I am now at the point where I eat one meal a day, usually dinner, and try not to eat anything else. Lately I have had a problem where I get so hungry at night that I eat and eat and eat and get sick. I'm having a really hard time and I know that I am going down a path of destruction. I was recently in an out patient program at a local hospital near me and didn't really focus on my habits. I am scheduled for an evaluation at a major hospital that specializes in eating disorders. I think, I walk, I talk everything food. I want to eat everything all the time and I don't. I feel I am in a lose-lose situation. My mind revolves around food. I watch everything I put in my mouth. Everything I eat I feel I gain weight from, even if it's a piece of candy or a fruit or anything. I'm afraid of everything. I know there is help for me and I want it, but at the same time I don't because my fear is that I will gain weight. My ideal is anything lower than what I am at the moment, so where does it end? The smaller I get, the smaller I want to be and I almost have no control. I eat because everyone is watching me and I hate that. They keep an eye on me at all times. I can't get away with not eating. I try to - I lie and everything. Everyone gets frustrated with me, but they don't understand what I see and what I am thinking. I feel that I hate myself and the way I look and I only have one choice. This is the first time I've really told anyone all of this. I would hate to be a hypocrite, so I am not telling anyone not to or to do. I am just expressing myself and my problems in hope that no one will follow in mine and my mother's footsteps because this disease has already ended her life. This disease in turn affected mine and I would never wish this upon anyone.

--Stephanie
stephanie2127@aol.com