Yesterday morning I heard a Linkin Park song playing on the radio and paused to listen closely to the lyrics. The reason I listen closely to the lyrics when a Linkin Park song plays is because I like to study people, and since their lead singer took his life, I find many lessons to learn from the lyrics of their songs about the mental state of one who might take their life. The lyrics to their songs are “dark” and speak much of mental torment. Because history repeats itself unless we learn from it and make changes, it’s relevant to study the mentality of one who took his life.
The Linkin Park song that I heard yesterday is titled “Numb.” Some lyrics from the song that especially struck me as I listened were:
“I'm tired of being what you want me to be.
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface.
Don't know what you're expecting of me,
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes.
Every step that I take is another mistake to you.”
While I don’t know what life challenges Linkin Park’s lead singer Chester Bennington had faced, these particular lyrics seem to speak to overly demanding parents (or significant others) whose expectations he didn’t feel he could measure up to. As a parent, I was especially considering these lyrics—expecting our kids to be what we want them to be, expecting our kids to walk in our shoes. How often do we do that? When a child is born, we have our own hopes and dreams for who they may grow up to be. And while of course we want our kids to adopt our values and beliefs, etc., yet at what point are our expectations so high, that they become oppressive and damaging? Our children are not our genetic replicas—they will have their own ideas about what paths they would like their lives to take; their life is their own course to chart—not ours.
Some other particularly notable lyrics in the song are:
“All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you.”
Those lyrics feel especially sad to me—a troubled soul feeling obligated to measure up to the expectations of others, to the point of being lost to self.
The song goes on to say:
“Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you.
Every step that I take is another mistake to you.”
Smothered. Controlled. Someone trying hard to be whom they want to be, and yet in doing so, knowing they are disappointing others’ expectations. What a great internal battle that must be.
And…
“I've become so numb.
I can't feel you there.
Become so tired.
So much more aware
I'm becoming this.
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you.”
A weariness of the soul. Worn down. Tired of the battle of trying to be true to one’s self.
I hope you’ll ponder these lyrics together with me and think about this person’s troubled soul, about what could have been done differently that might have led to a different outcome. May our lives touch others in positive ways, lifting others up instead of crippling their souls. Let us walk together on this journey of life, learning from and about others, and caring enough to recognize those who are struggling, to have a soul-deep heart for others that helps them along in their journey.
