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Lessons Learned From A Dog"
By Jo Gamm Witt
Tinker was an unsold puppy from our breeding business, born 01/22/08. She was unsold in part because the economy was on a downslide at that time so that puppies weren’t selling well, but also because my daughter had become so attached to her. Tinker was one of the first of my dogs to become an inside dog, as I preferred dogs to be outside. She slept with my daughter in her bed, and the two of them spent a lot of time together, going on walks, etc. Tinker always got excited any time my daughter came home. But the thing with kids and pets is that kids grow up and move out on their own. I’m sure Tinker didn’t understand that. And after my daughter got her own pets, she lost interest in Tinker. I didn’t realize the impact that had on Tinker, until a few years ago when my family was at my house to celebrate Christmas and we had a meal together. Tinker laid at my daughter’s feet and repeatedly tried to get her attention, but my daughter paid no attention to her at all. When my family left that evening, for the first time Tinker viciously attacked one of my other dogs. It’s also important to note, that since she had been my daughter’s dog, that I had never paid any particular attention to her, as I’ve always also had other dogs in addition to my cats. That night I was so upset with Tinker, that I was ready to get rid of her, one way or another. But I’ve always felt very responsible when it comes to pets. So, I didn’t. Her behaviors did not improve. She seemed very angry, and for quite awhile rather than trying to understand why, I was just very upset with her and wanted her gone. But like I often do, over time I came to ponder why she was acting as she was, although I didn’t have a fuller understanding until recently. I tend to be one to try to identify solutions, and so I bought some calming pills for her, which seemed to help quite a bit, but not entirely. And then one day last year it dawned on me: it was more about her feeling unloved, than anything else--that was the root cause of her anger and aggression. So, I started making a conscious effort to give her attention--every day, several times day--making sure that I was petting her and hugging her and talking sweetly to her. Initially she seemed leery of me doing so, as that had not been our relationship. And I also now am making a conscious effort to try to keep things equal, because the reality is she isn’t my favorite dog, nor my favorite animal. But she needs love and she needs to feel like life is fair. It has been absolutely transformational in how she behaves. She’s back to smiling, she asks for attention, and I make sure that I notice and give it to her. Tinker didn’t love, and even became angry, because her needs for love were not being met--she didn’t feel loved. Now in the past week I’ve come to see that there is a bigger story here than just Tinker’s need for love.
What led me to again pondering about the journey I’ve had with Tinker these past few years was that this past week I watched a documentary about Mister (Fred) Rogers and later read some other articles about his life and how he processed and handled situations that seemed contrary to how people normally would, and yet ways that seemed so full of wisdom. And what especially struck me was reading about his comments about the 911 terrorists. It was such a unique perspective, certainly one to greatly ponder, and yet--I think he had it right--and I never would have viewed this situation the same way that he did. Why did he look at the why behind what they did? Because Mister Rogers understood a key principle: if you don’t feel loved, you don’t love either. He knew that childhood matters, and that broken children grow up to be broken adults.
Paul in 1 Corinthians 13 seemed to have things figured out pretty well about love. But if we ponder some of the verses in a converse way, we can conceptualize the consequences of when one’s love needs are not met. Without love, one may be impatient, unkind, envious, boastful, proud; delighting in evil; harmful, distrustful, hopeless, a quitter. And this is congruent with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, which I’ve been pondering again this past week as well.
I had first studied about Maslow’s Theory of Human Needs while a nursing student back in the early 1980’s and again while finishing my degree in psychology in 2011. When I ponder back over the years, I’ve seen it hold true over and over again. I believe he got it right. Maslow’s theory illustrated is a pyramid that shows levels of needs. The theory is that you must meet needs at the lower level before you’re able to meet needs at higher levels. And one continues only at a level where needs are not being met. For example, if basic needs such as food and shelter have not been met, then one is not able to operate at a higher level such as the belongingness and love level; rather, their focus is on having their basic needs met. Applied, someone may not act in loving ways to others, if they don’t have food to eat or shelter and safety. I was recently pondering Maslow’s Hierarchy of Human Needs in relation to Tinker. Her basic needs were being met--she had food, water, shelter, safety, security. But what she didn’t have was love. With her love needs not met, she was not able to operate at higher levels, such as the esteem level of feeling good about herself (who feels loveable, if they don’t feel loved?), nor to operate at the self-actualization level, of achieving her full potential.
Today I was thinking about the situation with Tinker being applicable to us as people as well. If we take the time to ponder, I think we can all learn from her situation. How quick are we to judge others for how they act, without trying to understand why they act as they do? I can see both from Paul’s writings about love and Maslow’s theory, the significant need for love and the consequences from one feeling unloved.
May the Father help us all each one to seek and find greater understanding and to be more mindful of loving everyone.
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