Disclaimer: Tarzan no own Gundam Wing.

Real Disclaimer: Neither do I.

Shot Through the Heart

By Katelyn

"Duo, if I’d wanted you to come horseback riding with me, I would have asked you."

"I took your silence to mean you were terribly lonely and desired company," persisted the braided boy.

Heero Yuy mounted the sturdy black horse, fitting his booted feet into the stirrups. "No-one horseback rides anymore anyway. This horse-rental agency probably hasn’t been used in years. I only took this horse so I could go riding for some solitude, something I’ll never achieve with you and your mouth along."

"What if you need my help?" Duo asked fervently as Heero spurred the horse into a gentle walk.

"Duo," he said, without completely masking the affection in his voice, "when have I ever needed your help?"

He watched as the spandex-sporting soldier took off at a loping run and the horse’s black body vanished from his view. "You don’t know what you’re sacrificing!" he yelled.

Feeling that supernatural intuition that had been bred into him by years of war, Duo sensed danger for the other boy. Without reluctance, he put a foot into the stirrup of an oddly colored blue roan horse and swung himself into the saddle.

He kicked the horse until it reached a fast canter, and took off after Heero. From the doorway, the elderly horsekeeper yelled, "You have to pay for that!"

"Later, pops," Duo shouted over the back of his horse as he sped away.

*

Heero had reached a secluded part of the woods, which he felt would be a good place to rest his horse and collect his bearings. He pulled up on the reigns and dismounted, tying the horse to a tree. He leaned back against an adjacent timber and slid down, letting his head loll to one side as sleep clouded his vision.

"You’re coming with me."

Heero’s eyes flew open to see a small, green-clad man standing in front of him. This man must have been no more than half a yard high, and he spoke with a thick Irish accent.

"What?" asked the brown-haired boy, thinking he must still be dreaming.

"You have a job to do," said the tiny Irishman.

"But you’re a leprechaun!"

"Damn straight. Now get up, you good for nothin’ ruffian." The man grabbed Heero’s hand and managed to haul the boy up.

"Leprechauns don’t exist," Heero said firmly, nonetheless following the strange little man.

"What are you talking about? I’m right in front of you."

"Not really, though, I only think you are! I’m just dreaming you! See, if I do this - " he grabbed a section of the skin on his arm and nearly yanked it off – "I should wake up and you’ll be gone."

The Irishman laughed as Heero began peeling the skin off the muscle. He gave up after a few seconds, and lapsed into momentary silence. Soon: "But what about my horse?"

"He’ll be fine," said the leprechaun. "I won’t eat him."

"Where are you taking me, anyway?"

"Somewhere you should have gone a long time ago."

"What the hell kind of answer is that?"

"The only one you’re getting, so shut your trap!" yelled the leprechaun.

*

For it’s strange color and ungainly looks, the blue horse got Duo where he was going. As he made his way through the woods at a relaxed walk, he knew he’d found Heero when he saw the black horse tethered to a tree.

"Looking for Heero?" asked a voice with a heavy Irish accent.

"Yeah," said Duo slowly, looking around to find the speaker. "You seen him?"

"Your horse looks like a blueberry," said the voice.

Duo’s violet eyes narrowed at the insult to his steed. "I didn’t ask what my horse looked like, I asked if you’d seen Heero."

"I have."

"Well?" Duo still couldn’t seem to find the mysterious informant.

"Look down."

Duo did so. His eyes met those of a tiny leprechaun.

"HOLY GOD!" He fell off the blue horse, getting to his feet and flattening himself against the creature’s flank. "What in the name of HELL are you?"

"A leprechaun," said the Irishman, with as much ease as one would say that the sun was out.

"That’s nice," Duo said guardedly. Usually nothing frightened the Braided Wonder, but this wasn’t usual.

"Heero’s…got a duty to perform. He should be arriving any minute now. I’ve got to warm you, he might be a little different. You’ll love him." The leprechaun chuckled at his own joke.

Duo stared. The blue horse whinnied impatiently. After a minute, someone said,

"Duo Maxwell, if you laugh at me, I’ll kill you."

"Heero!" cried Duo in happy recognition. No-one else spoke those three words with the same confidence and sincerity. "Where are you?"

"Above you," said Heero.

"Above me? Look, I talked to this little dwarf -"

"Leprechaun," said the Irishman.

Duo glared at him. "Go eat your Lucky Charms." To Heero: "He said you had a duty to perform of something dumb like that.."

"You could put it that way," Heero muttered bitterly.

Slowly, Duo lifted his eyes skyward. Above him, Heero – clad in nothing but a loin cloth and less than a yard tall – fluttered on two white wings and held an arrow in one hand and a bow in the other.

That was the last thing Duo saw before he passed out.

*

"What are you smoking, Duo?" demanded Wufei. "Who turned Heero into cupid?"

"The leprechauns," said Duo weakly.

"Stop moving," Sally snapped, adjusted the cold compress on Duo’s head. "You’re lucky that horsekeeper was so intent on getting his pay, or you wouldn’t have been found."

"You’d faint too if you saw Heero in a loin cloth," Duo said.

Sally shuttered. A little black dog that had been crouching next to her licked her leg to reassure her.

Wufei folded his arms behind his back and started to pace, which made him look rather like a duck. "Do we have something to fear from all this? Like, is Heero going to make me fall madly in love with you or something?"

Duo squeezed his eyes shut. "He better not."

"Stop moving!" yelled Sally again. She turned to Wufei. "You speak like you know he’s been turned into a little bare-bottomed baby with a quiver of arrows."

"Duo pulls some weird jokes," said Wufei, "but this time, I don’t think he’s fooling."

"I’m not!" confirmed Duo. "I swear - "

The black dog got up and ran to the door, barking. All three pairs of eyes flew to the doorknob as it slowly turned full circle. "Who’s there?" Sally asked tentatively.

No answer. The doorknob kept turning, but the door never opened. Finally, a familiar voice shouted, "God damn piece of word, open or I’ll blow your brains out!"

Pounding. Sally and Wufei huddled in the corner. The dog howled. Duo pulled his blankets over his head. The door began to splinter, than it finally burst, and in flew Cupid-Heero.

Wufei and Sally stared in disbelief at the fuming cupid that had entered the room. "I’m going to get you, Maxwell!" he yelled. "You left me all alone in the woods!"

"I fainted," Duo protested.

Cupid-Heero knocked an arrow to his bow. "You’ll pay! You’ll pay with your love-life!"

Duo put his hands to shield his face as Cupid-Heero pulled the bowstring taught and let the arrow fly. In an uncharacteristic act of selflessness, Wufei threw himself in front of the weapon. It struck him squarely in the chest.

He fell to the floor, eyes squeezed shut.

Cupid-Heero began to curse.

The black dog ran to the fallen body, yapping like a rabid animal. It sniffed all over him, and then finally began to lick the unconscious man’s face until the obsidian eyes slowly fluttered open.

"No, Wufei, don’t look at the dog!" Sally warned, but it was too late.

Wufei grabbed the confused dog and gave him a hug. "I love you!" he shouted, smoothing it with kisses.

The poor animal, who had, as of yet, never been touched by Wufei except to be scolded, jumped out of his arms and ran out the doorway.

"Wait, my love!" Wufei cried, chasing after it.

Cupid-Heero was laughing so hard he could no longer remain airborne. He fell to the ground, giggling and speaking alternately. "I was aiming for you, Maxwell, but I think this is even better!" And he collapsed in another fit of laughter.

Duo and Sally looked at each other. Cupid-Heero regained enough composure to take leave of them, but as soon as he was out the doorway he started laughing again. When he was gone, Sally got up and closed to door.

Duo looked at her gravely, holding to cold compress to his forehead. "What are we going to do?"

"Anything we can," said Sally, taking a gun out of her boot and cocking it.

A smile spread across Duo’s mischievous albeit pale face. "Now you’re talking, girl. Time to kick some little bare booty."

*

Dorothy Catalonia waved the fencing sword grandiloquently, aiming to strike her adversary. The masked man parried the thrust and made one of his own, which she dodged. She retaliated in kind, but he was more skilled than she, and after only a moment of battle he had her pinned against the wall, the blunted point of his foil pressed against her chest.

She removed her helmet, letting her golden hair flow around her shoulders. "Good show," she said to her masked opponent.

He dropped his attack, removing the mask. "I’d say the same to you," said Quatre Winner, replacing his sword on the rack and taking Dorothy’s as well. Inside he was seething, despite his win. He truly detested the war-obsessed demon that had invited him here.

She’d called him during his midday meal and requested that he join her in a fencing match. "I have yet to find a worthy adversary," she had said rather pompously. "I’d be greatly obliged if you would try your skill."

He’d beaten her, however, which had been a nice surprise. She clearly wasn’t happy about it. It was known that Dorothy and Quatre a more or less a silent hatred for one another.

Cupid-Heero, however, figured that all this could be changed. As the match finished, he put his pudgy hands together and clapped. Both blondes looked around, unable to see the source of praise.

"Up here," the cloth-clad man prompted them.

"Holy Jesus!" shouted Dorothy. Eager to see the source of her distress, Quatre raced in front of her, looking around until he spotted Cupid-Heero, ready to launch an arrow straight at him.

Before the Arabian had a chance to duck, the arrow had neatly shish-ka-bobbed him. In fact, it had done more than that; it had gone clear through him and buried itself in Dorothy’s stomach. Quatre collapsed and Dorothy fell on top of him.

Cupid-Heero chuckled, dangling a leg idly off his perch on the Catalonia’s ceiling.

Quatre’s aqua eyes opened slowly. As he came back to the world around him, he realized that the annoying weight on top of him was actually another person. Dorothy, in fact. He shoved her off of him and got to his feet, brushing himself off.

Quatre looked at the woman he had so carelessly tossed aside. Her peach lips were slightly parted and her sky blue eyes moved beneath their closed eyelids. He was amazed that he had never noticed how attractive she was before.

Dorothy was awake, but she didn’t open her eyes, afraid of what she might see. She pictured Quatre in her mind, pale but muscled, those stunning eyes and temping lips… She gave into temptation and opened her eyes to find herself face to face with the man of her dreams.

He helped her to her feet. For a moment, Cupid-Heero was afraid that his arrows hadn’t done their job, but then Dorothy and Quatre’s faces drifted closer and closer until their lips met and they fell into a passionate kiss.

"Ha ha," thought Cupid-Heero, "this is fun."

*

Sally had already shot three men and killed one of them, thinking they were all Cupid-Heero. Duo was somewhat more careful, having only wounded one brown-haired man who had said to another bystander, "I will kill you."

The two of them were so paranoid that every voice was Cupid-Heero’s, every moment was him preparing to shoot them, and every breath was one opening their mouth to confess an arrow-induced love to the other.

They emerged from the building onto a quiet street. They followed the road as far as it would take them, guns at the ready. They were just about to cross onto another sidestreet when Sally froze and Duo crashed into her.

"What?" he asked.

She shushed him. "Here that?"

A dog barked in the distance. The barking grew louder as the two pilots waited. After a moment, a small black dog rushed by them, which Sally immediately recognized as her adoptee from the hospital.

And not ten feet behind it was Wufei, loudly proclaiming his love to the dog as the terrified creature sped away.

"After them!" roared Duo, taking advantage of his fleetness of foot to catch Wufei and his lover. Sally, unsure of why, followed Duo loyally notwithstanding that she had much better things to do.

*

Cupid-Heero had watched Dorothy and Quatre enjoy themselves, and was now growing sick of their obsession with one another. He took to the sky in search of better things to occupy his ever-thinking brain.

As he flew he began to zone out, letting the wind carry him where it would. In fact, he wasn’t brought back to his senses until his found his loincloth caught on the weather vane of the Peacecraft mansion.

He stared, and began to patiently disentangle it.

"Heeeeeeeeeero!" called a voice from down below.

Checking to confirm his fears, Cupid-Heero indeed saw Relena standing on the ground, staring up at him. He couldn’t help marveling at her ability to recognize him not only in his new form, but all the way up on her roof.

"Don’t worry, Heero, I’m coming for you!" she cried, starry-eyed.

Cupid-Heero’s patience turned to haste and he tugged repeatedly at the stubborn cloth. Relena’s face appeared through a skylight.

"I’m coming," she said, almost demonically.

Unwilling to succumb to this cruel fate, he beat his wings as fast as he could, tearing himself free – of the loincloth. He was now completely unclothed, but at least Relena couldn’t get him.

Wrong.

Relena jumped in her pink limo, chasing after the rapidly fleeing figure. Cupid-Heero flew as fast as he could, grabbing a leaf as he went to cover his nakedness. He flew like a wildman, skimming the ground to remain out of sight, but the pink limo was gaining, gaining –

And then it ran clear over him.

Relena slammed on the brakes, but the damage had been done. She got out of the limo and began sobbing, completely oblivious to the fact that she was stopped in the middle of the street.

One impatient driver came down with a bad case of road rage and turned his car around to ram Relena's. Unfortunately, as all Gundam Wing viewers know, the pink limo cannot be destroyed. The enraged man fumed as his car crumpled on impact but the parked limo remained unscathed. He opened the door, stepped out, and shouted,

"What are you doing par – Relena?"

Relena looked up from Cupid-Heero’s still form. "Trieze Kushrenada?"

"What happened here?" asked Trieze.

"I ran over Heero," Relena gushed, exploding into a new bought of tears.

Unbeknownst to our two humans, Cupid-Heero was not dead, for demigods cannot die. He was stunned somewhat, however, so the arrow he aimed at Relena instead struck Trieze in the left eye. He cursed and yanked it out, rubbing the site of the injury. But it was bloodless and painless, as cupid’s arrows are, and he opened both eyes and stared directly at Cupid-Heero.

The scolding he was preparing died on his lips as his eyes went starry.

"Oh, no," Cupid-Heero murmured, "no, no, no."

As Trieze advanced on the helpless Cupid-Heero, Relena went nuts.

"He’s mine!" she screeched, grabbing on of Cupid-Heero’s arms. Trieze took the other.

"Mine, you devil woman!" he yelled, trying to yank the poor pilot free of Relena’s viselike grip.

"Mine!"

"Miiiiiine!"

"Ouch, Goddamn it you demons! My arms!"

The yelling ceased abruptly as a black dog skidded around the corner, followed by a lovestruck Wufei, then an angry-looking Duo, and finally Sally, looking very confused. The dog stopped as it came to Relena, and Wufei tackled it.

"Finally, we are together, my love!" he cried joyously.

Duo looked on in amazement. Cupid-Heero took advantage of the confusion to knock another arrow, but Duo spotted him. He yanked the arrow from the pilot’s grasp, picking him around the armpits.

"Time to get what’s coming to you," he murmured with a devilish smile.

Thinking of no other explanation than that Duo was going to kiss him, Cupid-Heero closed his eyes and puckered his lips. But Duo wasn’t didn’t return the favor; he shoved the barrel of the gun down Cupid-Heero’s throat.

"Sally!" he yelled, as Cupid-Heero struggled in his grasp, "go get that damn leprechaun!"

"What?!" asked Sally, more confused than ever.

"He stole me lucky charms," Duo added for good measure.

Sally smiled and ran off toward the woods. For a few moments no-one spoke. Well, Cupid-Heero tried to, but the gun prevented such an action. Sally returned, a green-clad man tucked under her arm. "Here he is."

"Make him change Heero back," demanded Duo. Sally repeated the command to the leprechaun.

"NEVER!" cried the Irishman.

"Do it," warned Duo, "or I swear I’ll kiss you."

Hastily the leprechaun said a few words, and the form in Duo’s hands when molten and shifted until it was so big that Duo was forced to drop it, and from the glowing mass emerged everyone’s favorite sadist, Heero Yuy.

Wufei released the dog. Trieze took his eyes off Heero. And somewhere, on a fencing court far away, Quatre was putting on his pants and Dorothy was slapping him repeatedly.

Ah, back to normal.