We’re off to see the wizard,

The wonderful wizard of Oz…"

The Wizard of Oz

" If you will excuse me, Fate," said Wisdom, politely owl-bowing once again, " I must take my seat at the Council. Emergency session, you know."

" I know. I will be along shortly. Oh, if you would, please send Pentalophous to me, if you can find him."

" Certainly, my lady. Good morning to you." Wisdom flew off.

Still gaping, Ash floated down to the floor, which was carpeted in the finest velvet. It is impossible to fully recount what Ash saw. He was the first mortal man to see the Table in all its glory. He knew he would never fully understand it all in his lifetime.

" Pretty cool, ain’t it?"

Ash turned quickly, and saw a small imp perched near his left shoulder. He was about the size of a toddler.

" What are you, my conscience?’

" Close, dude. I’m your scribe."

" My scribe?"

" Correctamundo, dude. Pentalophus Impathicus, Esquire. Penta to my friends. I’m your scribe. Every human being on Earth has one. We document your whole lives. By the way, how’s the leg?" Pentalophus patted the remnants of Ash’s leg.

" Ow! Easy on the leg, man!"

" Sorry dude."

" So, Penta, you seem to know your way around. What am I doing here?"

" Well, I can’t be sure, but I think that this emergency council meeting is about you. You’re probably the latest incarnation of He Who Was Chosen."

" What?"

" Here’s the skinny. You have been chosen to save the world."

" Oh, is that all?"

The sound of a gong echoed through the great hall.

" It is time, Ash. It is time for you to be presented to the Table."

" All right, all right, Fate! Don’t get your panties in a bunch!"

The odd feeling of being carried returned. Penta stayed on Ash’s shoulder as he was lifted into the air. They commenced floating. It took ten minutes for the party to reach the end of the table. Wisdom sat at the head of the table, flanked by an odd menagerie of gods and goddesses.

" Order! Order!" Wisdom banged his gavel (carefully, he was using a wing).

" Yes?" asked a very stable looking god.

" Not you," replied the owl, " Order as in ‘ Order! Order! The emergency session of the Council will come to Order!’ The verb, you see, and not the noun."

" Oh. I see." answered Order.

The Council grew quiet eventually.

" All right, folks, this emergency session will now come to order." bellowed Wisdom.

" Yes?"

" Order, cut the crap. It was funny momentarily twelve thousand millennia ago. Not anymore."

" All right."

" Roll call!"

The Christian Faith

God- " PRESENT!" spaketh the Lord.

Jesus- " Hey." said his son.

The Holy Ghost- " Boo." spooked the Ghost.

The Devil- " Hi everybody!" crooned the Devil, quite Dr. Nick-ishly.

The Asgardians

Odin- " Hello." he said, quite Odin-ly.

Thor- " Forsooth!" he bounded.

Loki- " Whassup! I’m glad my buddy the Devil thought this stupid ‘whassup’ thing up!" he smirked.

The Greco/Romans

Zeus/Jupiter- " Bonjiorno!" boomed Zeus, which is a lot easier to write than Zeus/Jupiter.

Mercury/Hermes- " Heyeverybodyhowyadoin’goodtaseeya." sped Mercury, " " " " " " " " Mercury/Hermes.

Hades/Pluto- " Hey babe." he said, quite James Woods-ily.

The Elder Forces

Order- " How do you do." he said in an orderly fashion.

Destiny- " Why bother with pleasantries, you’re all going to die anyway, well, eventually, I guess. Well, you godlike guys are supposedly immortal, so, I don’t know about you…." she said, quite gloomily.

Fate- " Destiny, you’re a ditz, you know that?" she said, quite fatally, in fact.

Wisdom- " Good afternoon all." he said, in quite an owl-like manner.

The roll call continued on for forty minutes, through H.P. Lovecraft’s Elder Gods, and on through various god pantheons, including every culture ever on Earth. Suffice it to say, the author does not have enough time to write it all down. Onwards.

" We have got to find a better way to do that," remarked Wisdom, " all right then, the floor is open for old business."

Shub-Niggurath, the One Who Must Not Be Named, remarked " I move that this meeting be postponed, seeing as how we have a bowling game today. The Disciples of Evil and I are playing the Holy Rollers.". It shook a tentacle in the general direction of Buddha, God, Jesus, and The Holy Ghost, (who has trouble picking up the ball). Buddha stuck out his tongue in retaliation.

" Motion denied. This meeting is more important than bowling." said Wisdom.

" Nuts."

" All right everyone, listen up. The safety of the earth is in peril once again, and the time has come for us to make a human, yes, yes, a lowly human, to be the last hope for us all. All in favor, say ‘aye’."

A chorus of ‘ayes’.

"Opposed?"

Silence.

" Okay. The new savior of the planet will be Ash Grey, formerly of Earth. If you remember his last name from somewhere, you will remember his father, Char Grey."

" He was named after a character in Mobile Suit Gundam?"

" No, Perplexion, he came before that esteemed anime. He was the last of the Great Shades."

Oooh’s and Ahhh’s echoed through the hall.

" Yes, apparently, the gift of Shadow has been passed down. And his mother, apparently, was a Sin-Eater."

" Really?"

" Yes Perplexion, really."

" So what we have for our savior is a wiseass, half-ghost, slacker Sin-Eater with a bad attitude."

" Right. Meeting adjourned."

The gods dispersed, leaving Ash, Penta and Fate there, alone.

" Cool, huh."

" I couldn’t understand a single word they said."

" Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you! The gods speak in a language that mere mortals, like you, cannot comprehend. Sorry."

" Shut up Penta."

The sounds of bowling echoed from a room adjacent the hall, followed by a squeal of dismay. Apparently, Shub-Nigguarth had gotten the dreaded seven-ten split.

" Penta, why were some of those gods translucent?"

" Those gods have less belief in them at the moment. Eventually they will disappear, if not for those damn ‘scholars’ who keep digging them up every hundred years. Do you know how annoying those old geezers get after a while?"

" Penta?"

" Yes, Miss Fate?"

" Shut up."

" Yes Miss Fate."

" Now. Proceed to the Impery, and procure for Ash a copy of PhilMcCrackus’s ‘ A Beginner’s Guide to Life, Gods, Goddesses, and other Assorted Skullduggeries’. Phew!"

" Yes Miss Fate. It’s the heavy one, isn’t it?"

" Yes. Also, fetch his Scribery. He must learn who he is, what he can do, why he is here, and what he must do."

" Why don’t you just tell me?"

" Shut up, Ash."

" That’s a pretty tall order Miss Fate."

" Move your little impy posterior, or you’ll wish you wish you were dead."

" Yipes!"

Penta scuttered off, towards the Impery.

" Can you tell me what’s going on?" whispered Ash.

" No," responded Fate, " we must leave now."

Ash started floating again, and he followed Fate towards a door in the corner of the Hall.

" Where are we going?"

" To the Barracks For Misplaced Mortals."

" Oh. That would probably explain it, if I knew what you were talking about."

" It probably would."