" How did you know my dad?"

" I trained him."

" At what?"

" I trained your father in the ways of Good, and in the ways of Evil. In the same way I will train you."

" The ways of Evil?"

" Quiet. Close your eyes again, Ash, and I will train you, also, in the ways of Evil."

Ash closed his eyes again, and listened.

" I have already spoken to you about Gaia, and her war against Evil. What I haven’t told you about yet is Evil itself. Now, I know what you are thinking. You used to think that the Devil was the ultimate personification of Evil. You were wrong then. Humanity cannot think up the ultimate personification, because they have not, as of yet, seen It. The Devil? No, he’s harmless, a mere Dennis The Menace compared to It. Why am I such an authority on Evil, you ask? Your father and I were the only ones left to stop It at the Second-Last Battle. It was there that your father redeemed himself, and won himself his place in Valhalla."

" Wait a minute. You’re saying. That doesn’t make sense. My father…."

" Your father was a Viking Berserker named Char. Berserkers were an elite sect of Viking warriors a thousand years ago. They were said to change forms in battle, to manifest the Viking warrior-gods, the Asgardians, to aid in battle. They performed amazing feats. And from what I’ve seen of Penta recently, the gift has been passed on."

" I’m a berserker? No, it can’t be. Penta was only a little imp. Easily pummeled. "

" He was also an immortal trained in the ways of Imp-Fu. He’s a 69^th level Imp-Fu Master. He had to be, to follow you around all day. You’re dangerous, you know."

" He followed me around?"

" That’s his job, you idiot. He followed you around, and wrote down what you did in your Scribery."

" How come I never saw him?"

" He was pretty small, didn’t you notice? Or were you too busy beating him to within an inch of his life?"

" I’m sorry, I didn’t know."

" Back to your father…."

" About that. How did a Viking Berserker who died a thousand years ago meet my mom?"

" Before he died, I told him about her. At my description, he fell instantly in love, and became a ghost, or a Shade, as they like to be called, to be around to marry her. Do you want more details? I didn’t think so."

" Why did a Berserker fall in love with my mom?"

" Did you ever notice, Ash, how everyone always feels better with your mom around? That’s because she’s a Sin-Eater, or a Watcher."

" A Watcher?"

" Yes. A Watcher/Sin-Eater does not do anything really sinful in their whole life. Instead, they absorb the sins of others, and they are relieved of their burden. They ‘Watch’ humanity with us."

" No! I don’t believe you! None of this is real!"

A strange wind entered the room and with a voice he knew wasn’t his own, Ash intoned, " Bars across my chest! Pah! Begone!"

In an instant, Ash’s eyes grew blood red, tinged with a dark black. He seemed to age five years, and muscles rippled through his body. His black spiked hair turned silver. His black hooded sweatshirt grew into a trenchcoat.

His glasses turned into wraparound sunglasses.

The bars that strapped Ash to the chair snapped and he leapt out.

" See ya Fate. I’ll send you a postcard."

Ash blasted through the door, and into the Hall. Fate shook her head. He kept running through the Hall pushing over gods and goddesses, and stepping on imps. Near the door, a figure dressed in red lorica segmentata (the armor of a Roman centurion) blocked his path.

" Halt!" he cried, " You shall not pass! So says Ares, God of War!"

" Well isn’t that nice?" said Berserker Ash, while trying to push through.

Ares pushed Berserker Ash back ten meters. " Foolish Mortal! You have no idea of the beating in your future! Die!"

Lacking a snappy battlecry, Berserker Ash stole that of the Ripping Friends, his favorite cartoon superheroes.

" It’s Ripping Time!!!!!!"

Somehow, B. Ash summoned a bloodstained double-sided axe from inside his trenchcoat. The ancient runes on its blade glowed with eager anticipation of blood. He rushed Ares, who barely had time to counter with his sword. He chopped towards Ares’ neck. Ares blocked this with his sword, and both weapons clattered off in the distance. Ares elbowed Berserker Ash in the chest, which sent him to the floor, grimacing with pain. Berserker Ash feigned unconsciousness, and Ares dived in for the kill, planning to deliver a kick to the face. Ash anticipated this and grabbed Ares’ ankle and twisted. A sound came, somewhat like a small gunshot. The ankle was broken. Ash stood up, still carrying the ankle, with Ares grabbing at it in pain. He threw Ares into the table. He lay there, still, after hitting the corner with his forehead. Blood trickled from the wound.

" Amateur."

Ash left the Hall. Suddenly, there was no floor.

Fate walked out of the dark room, and into the hall. Seeing the destruction Ash had brought to the Hall, and the savage beating he had given Ares, she remarked, " You’ll be back, Ash. I won’t let go. The earth needs you."

23:30, mortal time.

Ash found himself in the sky. He also found himself to be normal Ash again. He hovered over a bus for approximately four seconds. Then he stopped hovering.

" Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Huh?"

For seconds, gravity quit. Ash stopped in the air again, approximately ten feet from the ground just enough for Ash’s speed to slow.

Crunch! Gravity came back, and this time it was personal. Luckily, most of Ash’s weight fell on his new foot, and being invulnerable, it wasn’t hurt at all. It stood fast; holding it’s ground. Unluckily, being mortal, the rest of Ash was vulnerable. Ash’s body caught up to his leg. His face struck his newly firm knee. The result? Massive head Trauma followed by a concussion, and one hell of a headache. Mercifully, Ash blacked out.

00:01

Ash had lain in the grass for thirty-one minutes. His throbbing headache brought him back to the land of the living.

" OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Ash lifted a hand to his face, and to his surprise, his nose was broken. He spit out four teeth.

" OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Ash passed out momentarily. This will be a good point to assess Ash’s various injuries over this long night.

His nose was broken, five ribs were broken, his chest hurt from Ares’ elbow, his non god-foot was broken, the ankle was broken, he had scars from the broken glass of the bus which he now lay beside, and his whole body felt like a big bruise. He was the walking wounded.

Ash awoke five minutes later. He was surprised as hell by what he saw.

" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! ZOMBIE CHEERLEADERS!!!!!"

Ash ran from the ruins of the bus that he was once in. The cheerleaders, whom Ash had a vague memory of having seen on the bus on the day of the crash, followed, in various states of disrepair, seemingly jealous of Ash’s not-deadness.

Ash stopped and found himself in a cemetery. The cheerleaders followed him.

" You fell in the grass,

Now it’s time to kick your ass!"

Apparently the cheerleaders hadn’t forgotten how to cheer. They advanced towards Ash.

Ash half expected that strange wind to come, and to transform again, but apparently he was all out. No Berserker-ism for Ash. He searched around for something, anything to help him out. He stepped backwards, and fell into an open grave. Luckily there was a shovel nearby. He jumped out of the pit, and grasped the shovel. Seizing the opportunity, Ash came back with:

" 2, 4, 6, and 8,

Now it’s time to decapitate!"

Ash chose a new battle cry: " It’s clobberrin’ time!"

The cheerleaders picked up one of their own, and hurled her like a missile towards Ash. He ducked, and the unlucky zombie smashed into a nearby gravestone, exploding in a flurry of bones and flesh.

" Groovy." said Ash.

The head cheerleader rushed Ash, leading with a vicious kick to the groin. Ash went down grasping his crotch, although, by some freak chance, his shovel decapitated the cheerleader. The four remaining cheerleaders made a circle around Ash, and started kicking. Luckily, he had his hand on the shovel. He spun it around in a circle, and legs and feet filled the air. Ash stood up, and in a flurry of pain, remembered how to kill a zombie from his horror movie experience. He started smashing skulls.

After all the cheerleaders had been disposed of, Ash let a phrase echo through his lips, briefly.

" Hail to the king baby."

He thought it appropriate, seeing as how he had just faced a horde right out of Army of Darkness, or The Evil Dead. Then he collapsed into a deep sleep.