" You start wearin’ blue and brown, you’re workin’ for the Clampdown…"

"Clampdown", The Clash

Recently, Gravity had begun behaving itself. This was good, as Ash had enough difficulties driving in good weather, provided adequate gravity. He reasoned that he had ten minutes left till he got to Aliciana’s house on the other side of town, heading due Fleen. He amused himself by introducing the roaming zombies to his own makeshift version of ‘Death Race 2000’, and by listening to APNW for zombie reports, screaming, and apocalyptic music.

" And that was my old favorite ‘It’s All Over’, by the Headstones. We’ll be back soon with ‘Don’t Fear The Reaper’ by Blue Oyster Cult, after this brief message. HELP ME! IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, HELP ME!"

Ash switched off the dial. The guy on the radio, his name was Edward something; he got like this every once in a while. Ash looked up from the radio dial. There was a helicopter in the rear view mirror.

He’d seen Conspiracy Theory enough times to learn that black helicopters that made no noise were never a good sign. They usually implied that something big and bad was going down. Soon. He was three minutes away from Aliciana’s house.

Muted small-arms fire filled the air as the helicopter raked the roof of the Civic with minigun bullets. Ash tried to hide under the dash, and accidentally turned the car to the left. This probably saved his life, as a Sidewinder missile entered the space the car once occupied. Boom. Pixel meowed, and hid in the suitcase on the floor of the car, occupying the same position as Tree-San. Ash blinked, not expecting to see anything when he opened his eyes again.

And then everything stopped…

Ash opened his eyes, and saw, not the floor of the car, but a gray landscape.

" ash? what are you doing here?"

" aliciana? Is that you?"

He turned and saw her, Aliciana. She was wearing a black dress with frills. She was thin and pale, with features that could be called 'aquiline' or just plain pointy. Pointed nose and pointed chin. She had bright red hair streaked with black. Tears that filled her big eyes streaked her makeup. She had been crying. She spoke with a hint of a Russian accent.

" why are you here, ash?"

" where is here?"

" i was having a nightmare, and then you showed up."

" i’m in your nightmare? i don’t think i’ll like it here. "

" yeah, i guess so. why are you here?"

" i don’t know why. I was coming to get you out of here, and then there was a helicopter, and it shot at me, and then…."

" was it a black one?"

" yeah, why?"

" they’re after me again."

" who’re after you, aliciana?"

" behind you, ash!"

Apparently Aliciana had been dreaming of zombies, and not Jeannie, because a great horde of them were behind Ash. He did not survive long. Aliciana screamed.

Aliciana screamed. Ash could still hear it from where the car had struck her mailbox. He had been sitting on the brake. The scream broke his heart, and hurt his brain. Apparently the helicopter pilot had heard that ear-piercing scream, too, because the helicopter was currently burning in a heap on the road ahead. It must have affected everyone who heard it. In the distance, Ash could still hear her sobbing. He got up, stumbling, and walked towards her front door.

" Hello! Aliciana? Are you in there?"

A small, cracking, voice replied.

" Ash? Is that you?"

" Yes. It’s me."

The door opened slowly. Aliciana stood in the doorway wearing pajamas. She looked even worse than when Ash had seen/thought her last. She looked very sad.

" You’re alive! I thought you died!"

" I think that was a dream, Aliciana."

She hugged him, as if to reassure herself that he was alive and she wasn’t dreaming again.

" What’s wrong, Aliciana? You look horrible."

" Everyone’s dead. It’s just me left. They went out to find food, and they never came back. The zombies…"

" It’s okay. I’m here now. I’m not dead. Your helicopter friends tried, but failed."

" The helicopters. No. Not now. Not now."
Aliciana pulled Ash inside, and closed the doors quickly.

" What? What is it? The helicopter?"

" I was so stupid. I let my guard down, and they must have detected it. I’m so sorry, Ash. Sorry…"

" It’s all right. I’m okay."

" You don’t understand. They’ll send more. We need to get ready. We need to leave."

" You may not have noticed, but there is a battalion strength group of zombies out there, and my car died."

Aliciana looked pained when Ash mentioned the zombies.

" Sorry, I didn’t mean…"

" It’s all right. I’ll get over it."

" I’ll turn on the radio. Do you have one?"

" There’s still radio?"

" Yeah, one of the college bands. Some guy named Ed. He’s been informing me of the zombie movements and such. Better than listening to that din out there!"

Ever since leaving their graves, the zombies had been repeating one word over and over again with one voice. "Brains…" That was partly why Ash preferred to listen to the radio. The other was the tunes. Aliciana left the room, and came back momentarily with a battery-powered clock radio.

" If you are still alive, please call me at 345-8967. They’ll get us if we remain separated. To repeat. The dead have come back to life, and they are roaming the streets, looking for human flesh. Stay alert. The damn things are cagey. In other news, my source in Washington has contacted me on the Citizen’s Band, telling me that the remnants of the United States Congress are ready to enforce marshal law to deal with the "Living Dead" situation. My advice? Get out of the country as soon as you can. Canada seems like a good choice right now. Hey, we’ve got a caller! Hello, there may be five people hanging on your very word right now, caller, so you’d better make it good."

" My name is Ash Gray, and we’re in the south-Fleen part of town. We’re getting ready to head out, and we want to know where you are. We're in south Willsburg."

" Well, Ash, my new best friend, that’s the best offer I’ve had all day. If you’re in the burg I think you’re in, you’ve got maybe a fifteen-minute drive to get here. Hurry. The zombies have formed groups, and one of the groups is currently surrounding the station."

" We’ll be right there, Ed. Try and hold out."

Ash hung up the receiver.

" Aliciana, I need answers. Who is after you?"

" Not now, Ash, look!"

A herd of fast-deteriorating zombies were swarming around the Civic. Ash could see Pixel through the side window.

" Oh no! Pixel! Okay. Aliciana, pack a bag. Do you guys still have that, what was it, ’73 Olds?’

" Yes."

" Start it up. I’m going after the cat."

Ash left the room, and found the door into the garage. He also found a baseball bat on the floor. He left the garage through the man-door, and walked out on to the driveway.

" Yo! Ugly! You, with the half a skull! Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you!"

The zombies turned towards Ash.

" Brains?"

" Yes brains. Now come get some."

That now-familiar feeling overtook Ash. The hair, the trenchcoat, the sunglasses, the eyes. His baseball bat crackled with eldritch flames. The lead zombie rushed towards Ash. With a Barry Bonds Signature swing, Ash took his head off. It flew into the next yard over.

" That one’s in the cheap seats, ladies and gentlemen!"

A particularly decomposed zombie snuck up behind him, and tried to bite his ear off, while another tried to trip him. Ash fell, but in the process of falling, Ash gave the Mike Tyson imitator a swift knee to the midsection. It made a sickening crunch as Ash caused the unfortunate fellow’s rib cage to cave in. Ash rolled out of the fall, and kicked the legs out from the other zombie. He ran over to the Civic.

" Pixel! Get in the suitcase!"

The cat obliged. Ash opened the door, and threw the suitcase into the street. He zipped it up, and turned to face his attackers. They now surrounded him in a circle, inching closer and closer to sweet gray matter.

" Aliciana! Any time now!"

As if by magic, the garage door exploded outwards. Aliciana at the wheel, the Cutlass bowled over half of the circle, sending organs and bones flying in a spray. The rear passenger door opened.

" Get in!"

Ash threw the suitcase in, and followed it.

" What happened to your hair? And your glasses? And your eyes? They turned red!"

" No time. Drive."

Aliciana floored it.

" And then I woke up in the cemetery. I thought it was a dream, but apparently it wasn’t. Speaking of that, why did I make a guest appearance in your dream?"

" You actually were there? I thought it was just a dream! You know died right before me, Ash. It scared me."

" Don’t worry. I don’t intend to do that now. So how did that happen? How did I get into your dream?"

" I think it has something to do with my being a psychic."

" You’re psychic?"

" No time to explain. We’re here."

It was around 14:00, and the university building was indeed surrounded by zombie-dom. Ed had given them directions by the radio.

" Stay here, and keep driving the car around to distract them. I won’t be long."

" Ash."

" What?"

" Don’t get killed, okay? Promise me."

" I promise."

" Okay."

Ash left the car. Aliciana took off around the other side. A small portion of the zombie group, maybe twenty, still stayed next to the door. Ash had prepared for this eventuality. He took the slab of meat out from his pocket. What, it’s not like Aliciana was using it. He threw the roast away from the building. The zombie population stumbled after the meaty goodness. He didn’t have long. Ash ran up to the door.

" Hello! Ed! It’s your friendly neighborhood rescue service, here to save you!"

" Thank God. I’ll open the barricade."

Shuffling noises emanated from inside the building. After seconds that seemed like hours, Ed opened the door. He looked twenty or so, with a five o’ clock shadow, and a general ‘scruffy’ look to him.

" Hey! You’re only a kid?"

" This kid’s savin’ your ass. Now shut up, and let’s move."

They turned, and faced a gauntlet of zombies on the way to Aliciana and the car.

" Damn. You wouldn’t happen to have a shotgun or chainsaw on you, now, would ya Ed?"

" Sorry, no can do. Had a nine mil, but I ran out of ammo a few hours back."

" Double damn."

The horde inched closer, and Aliciana honked the horn energetically. The living dead too, surrounded her. Smoke streamed out from under the hood of the car. It wasn’t moving. Ash decided that the best defense was a good offense, and took the offensive. He smashed a couple of heads. Ed helped, using a crowbar he had liberated from the radio building. It was to no avail. There were too many. Ash tried to summon the winds of change, and get Berserker Ash to help out, but that too was exhausted. It looked grim. The zombies started to rock the car. They started chewing on Ash and Ed. All seemed lost, when suddenly, a voice echoed from the heavens.

" Begone, servants of Evil!"

" Wait a minute, I know that voice." said Ash.

The zombies ignited with green flame, and an elevator car came down from the clouds. Ding! The doors opened. A figure dressed in green robes looked out.

" Why hello, Ash! Do you like the transportation? I thought it appropriate for the situation."

" Fate! Am I glad to see you!"

Aliciana and Ed could only look on the elevator with awe, and a little fear. Ash pushed Ed into the elevator, while three imps scurried out and got the bags, Aliciana, Tree-San, and Pixel out of the car.

" Guys, this is our ticket off of this stupid planet."

The doors of the elevator slid shut, and it inched slowly towards the clouds.