In case you haven't noticed, there's something strange about this website. And no, I'm not talking about the shirtless pic of Vanilla Ice or the ratio of time spent updating the site to the number of people who actually read it. Although I must admit there is something quite fetching about Mr. Van Winkle when he's rolling in his van. No, I'm talking about something that Renzo's Rant lacks when compared to practically every other website in the world: a page whining about or mocking AOL. That's right, chances are your grandmother who just disovered the concept of computers, let alone the internet, has already created a HI-larious page to let AOL know how much they suck.
Despite my immense dislike of America Online, I have so far managed to avoid joining the multitude by creating yet another biting parody of their services. Get it? Their spam unblockers actually send you MORE spam! That's gold! But seriously, I have vowed to never (besides now, of course) use the following terms on my website:
And yet, the temptation has always been there. Creating a webpage that lampoons AOL is like making fun of the unwashed poor kid at school - it's so easy to do and everyone does it, but you feel so dirty afterwards. But unlike the poor kid, who just got the short stick from God, AOL seems to enjoy giving us more and more reasons to zing them. These jokes practically write themselves!
"Hey AOL - thanks for my new drink coaster version 9.0! lololzzz!"
"The child filters are useless because all children know more about the internets than adults! ROFL!!1!"
"Do they have keywords for search engines, which themselves are much better than the keyword system?? a/s/l!!!"
"AOL users spend so much time disconnected, they should just call being disconnected the normal state, and when you actually GET connected, you say that you got UNdisconnected! BBBW!!!!"
"Terms Of Service? Instead of TOS, they should call them POS!!1! DVDA!!!"
I think you can see where I'm going with this. Clearly this sort of humour is much too high-brow for my audience. I mean, who among you realised that the phrase "piece of shit" could be, and commonly is, abbreviated to POS? That's right, none of you. And anyone who says otherwise is a communist. A homosexual communist.
So in conclusion, I'm not going to make this article about AOL. Nope, not at all. I guess that means I have to shift subjects pretty quickly to recover from that giant, off-topic tangent. Instead, I'll write about what the next update will be about. I'm not at liberty to disclose anything specific at the moment, but I can promise that no one will be invigilated or anything. So I guess you'll just hav-
Uh....hmm. Huh. Well, it seems I may have already said too much. I guess it's a good thing you're all AOL users, and have not yet been undisconnected, nor are you likely to be by next week. Have fun with the out-sourced tech support.
