Renzo's Rant

I have a confession to make - I watch Spike TV. A lot. And while you might think that doing so requires me to immediately grow a mullet and start guzzling Bud while attending monster truck rallies, I can assure you that such is not the case, because I already do all of those things. But seriously, aside from the wrestling they have a pretty decent schedule - TNG, MacGyver, Max X, and one of my favourite shows, MXC. Now getting to the point, Spike is one of several networks that air commercials for Enzyte, and they air them a lot. In fact, there's usually several on each day.

In case you haven't seen the commercials (or in case you have, but "the man" has already found you and wiped your memory), Enzyte claims to sell so-called "natural male enhancement", whatever that means (more about that below). The ads feature a guy called Smiling Bob, who seems to be the unnervingly disturbing love child of Joan Rivers and The Joker. This guy strangely goes about his entire day with the world's most annoying grin plastered on his face. But don't worry, he has a good excuse - the very expensive placebos he's taking are enhancing his penis! Time to Power Up - Penis away!!

My main problem with the commericals is that they never tell you precisely what Enzyte is supposed to do. All they say is that it provides "male enhancement", and that somehow it will causes many marvelous things to happen to you. For the record, the Enzyte website states that the male enhancement refers to "fuller and firmer erections", and has nothing to do with the thriving penile enlargement industry that keeps email companies in business. In other words, they claim to be a herbal, non-prescription alternative to Viagra, also known as V1@gr@.

Apparently the ad execs weren't informed, though, because the commercials heavily imply that it is a penis growth product. Let's take a quick break to look at some "real, actual comments" (i.e., fake comments) from a company that does claim to biggie-size your Dave Thomas - Extagen.

"I was not sure about this stuff at first. The first two months I really didn't see that much of a gain. However, around the middle of the third month it was like an explosion! I gained just under 4 inches in length (for an over-all total of 9 1/2 inches!) and doubled my thickness! I got so big to the point that my wife said she was having second thoughts about this newfound growth, because she wasn't sure if it would fit! I'm more than satisfied with my results!"

"Although I was skeptical at first toward the claims your company made, I was happily surprised within two weeks as to the thickness and length I gained. As I continued to take your product I couldn't believe I kept on gaining size and thickness. I tried Longitude tablets in the past and in comparison I must say I am far more pleased with the results I gained from your product. I thank you and my wife thanks me. Nightly."

In one of the Enzyte commercials, we are told that Bob used to lack self-confidence and needed to take control of his life. We see him reading the brochure for Enzyte, and that fucking grin grows across his face. The next morning (boy, they must ship with FedEx or something), he confidently struts down the sidewalk, carrying his head high. All of the neighbours recognise his cocky stride as that of a giant-wanged man and bow submissively, averting their eyes. At the office he is immediately promoted to President and the secretary introduces him to the wonderful world of the Power Fuck. Or something like that...I wasn't paying much attention at that point as I was furiously writing down the information from the bottom of the screen. Also, I was weeping because of my less-than-monstrously large penis. It's been holding me back all these years.

In another of the commericals, Bob is at a neighbourhood backyard party. As he dives into the pool, silly Bob doesn't realise that his now colossus manhood has stretched out his swimming trunks, which have trouble staying on. He exits the pool, completely oblivious to the fact that he is now naked - apparently he has yet to find a product that enhances the brain. Seeing the glorious miracle that is his genitals, the other party patrons gasp and drink in the sight (yes, even the men). Now, if this commercial has any hope of reconciling itself with what they actually claim the product does, we must assume that Bob is for some reason packing a hard one as he steps out of the pool, and that it is "fuller and firmer" than before treatment. This raises the additional question of how everyone knew what his erection looked like before. In conclusion, there's no way they're not creating some false advertising here.

But the best commerical of all is as follows. Bob starts taking Enzyte, which leads to him gaining a promotion at work (I guess his boss is easily impressed by those sort of things). Apparently wang enlargement grants you all sorts of powers, including the ability to rescue cats from trees, because that's precisely what he does. I'm guessing that the version of the rescue shown is a re-creation, and in reality he reached up among the branches with his giant penis to grab the cat, because otherwise I fail to see why he was able to save the cat while a smaller-penised man would have failed. Anyway, it eventually leads to Bob being made man of the year and being given the key to the city. Again, I'd like to see what any of these things have to do with packing mega-meat, but I'm fairly sure they have even less to do with easier erections.

So that's why the good folks at Enzyte are a bunch of phonies. Did I mention that a month's supply costs $100 US? For that much money you're probably better taking up amateur surgery and sloppily grafting the penises of drifters and hobos onto your own. At least that way your neighbours and co-workers actually would respect you more, because they'd be afraid you'd cut their penis off. So long, and remember - Don't Get Eliminated!