So we've all seen that episode of Seinfeld, right? Frank Costanza invents his own holiday to counter the commercialism of Christmas and Hanukkah, and hilarity ensues, as usual. Festivus is marked by the Airing of Grievances, in which Frank tells his family and friends about all of the ways that they have disappointed him over the past year.
Well, I know it's a little late, but I thought I would have my own Festivus grievance-airing. As much as I could (and would like to) complain about you, my loyal readers, I thought as a nice Festivus present I would complain about other things. You're welcome. Anyway, here we go!
Quicktime
This is quite possibly one of my most-hated software programs, and I hate a lot of software. Where to begin? Well, for one thing, there's the annoying upgrade ad that appears seemingly every time you run the program. You know, the one that says "Your Quicktime is out of date! Update for free now!", and of course there actually is no free update, they're just trying to get you to buy Quicktime Plus or Nicaraguan cocaine or eyeballs from the Chinese black market some other crap like that. The makers of Quicktime also apparently have difficulty understanding the meaning of "full-screen". Their definition is something more like "tiny 2 by 4 inch viewing area, surrounding by a giant black border". With their strangle-hold on online movie trailers, I'm forced to watch the teaser for Spider-Man 2 with a magnifying glass. If I tried to watch the Small version, I'd need to remove my roof and aim the Hubble Telescope at my monitor. Bah! Windows Media Player figured this out years ago, guys...full-screen means that the image covers the full screen.
Survivor: The Dumpster Behind McDonald's
This is the next series, right? Because I think they've already covered every other location on Earth. Who the hell cares about Survivor anymore, anyway? I mean, there's only so many times one can watch a bunch of morons standing on one foot on top of a bamboo stick with their tongue out to see who gets to wear the necklace of plastic seashells for a week. If I were a contestant, I'd vote myself off just to get the hell out of there. Oh, and Jeff "Anal" Probe-st is annoying.
50 Cent, AKA Fiddy Cent
Here's my two cents: You suck.
Idols, Domestic or Otherwise
Pop, American, Canadian, Australian, World...they all suck. It's strange that the word idols is an anagram for solid, because these shows are anything but. Aside from the humour in watching talentless morons who think they're great singers completely embarrass themselves on national television, there's not much value to these shows except as some sort of vomit-inducing technique. You know, so if you just accidentally swallowed a bottle of glue or something, you just watch a few minutes of American Idol until you bring it back up. Hmmm...perhaps I could make some money from this. If these shows were so popular, there's got to be a lot of people out there who swallow glue on a consistent basis.
You'll note that I have yet to mention the monstrosity that is From Justin to Kelly. Hey, don't worry - you didn't think I'd let them get away with that, did you? I think the poster for this movie says it all:
Finally, some honest marketing.
