27.05.2006: Monkeypenis.com
I'd like to start this article by making it clear that I didn't stumble across this website by typing the Boolean phrase "monkey +penis" into a search engine (I left out the +). In actual fact, I was searching for some mundane links that ended up being cut from the last update, when the phrase "monkey penis" jumped out at me from the list of hits. Well, it didn't literally jump out at me (and a good thing too, because the last time I had a monkey penis jump out at me, bad things happened), but you get the idea. Being the inquisitive mind (not to mention easily amused mind) that I am, I decided to check it out, and ended up with my new SHITI link.
The good news is that the site has nothing to do with actual monkey penises. The bad news is that it has a bunch of "funny" stuff, much of which sadly does pertain to either monkeys or penises. Curse you, Al Gore! Knoweth not you what wrath you hath wrought?! Anyway, let's get on with the review. Much like my other SHITI links, the first thing to assault my eyes was the poorly chosen background. A pure backdrop of either black or navy blue would have been fine, but a microsized stripe pattern of the two just causes headache, both literally and figuratively. Not only does it strain your eyes, but also has the fun side-effect of rendering writing either difficult or impossible to read (see the note about site updates on the left-hand side for evidence of the latter). It also has mis-aligned tables that don't quite meet properly at the bottom of the page, and like many other sites, seems to want to cram all of its material to the left side of the screen, leaving the right third of the browser completely empty.
But enough about the technical details. I'm about the last person in the world who should be complaining about lazy site layout coding. Instead, let's focus on the "hillarious [sic] crap [they] found", such as T-shirts reading "You must be this long to ride" and "orgasms - keep it real". Or perhaps we could read about the origin of the site, which apparently involves the fateful day when "a couple of Ja/i/sons" made the earth-shattering discovery that, contrary to their predictions, the domain name monkeypenis.com had in fact not been reserved, and since someone was bound to do so eventually, reserved it themselves. I haven't figured out if they're trying to say that one Jason spells his name Jaison, or if both actually have strategically-placed slashes in their names, as no explanation is offered.
Over-priced novelty T-shirts don't do it for you? How about a video section dedicated entirely to Wassup parodies? That's right, now you can watch everyone from the Superfriends to the kids from South Park perform a poorly-dubbed tribute to a commercial that was already dated when "all your base" first arrived on the scene. When a website beckons you with lines like "Movies movies movies! You like-a-da movies?", you gotta heed the call. If you love websites that churn out hastily-constructed imitations of web-based phenomena, make sure you don't miss the Monkey Dance page, which is essentially the Hampster Dance with pixelated monkey GIFs in the place of pixelated hampster GIFs. And in a strange twist of fate, monkeypenis.com features a Sucks page, on which Jason (and Jaison) review and mock - you guessed it - websites that they have determined suck. It's kind of like that part in Being John Malkovich when John goes inside his own head.
SHITI quotes of the week
01.07.2005: Happy Ninja Magic Action Compatriot!
First of all, some problems with the ninja himself. We can see that he has blue eyes, which means that he's not Japanese. And as we all know, any Gaijins that try to join the ancient order of ninjitsu will have their fingers chopped off by the Yakuza. Also, ninjas need to be in shape so that they can go flying through trees and stuff, yet this guy's torso is nothing but a giant pot belly - he makes Strong Bad look like Johnny Weissmuller. I was also unaware that the ninja spent their days blowing bubbles, doing knee-bends, and participating in "the wave". Apparently they also drink lots of Bosco, and though I'm not sure exactly what that is, I think it's made by the guy who created NYPD Blue, which as we all know was chock-full of ninjas.
Remember back in grade 6, when you had just discovered the internet, and you said "Hey, purple is a really cool colour! I think I'll make the background for my webpage purple", and then a day later you said "Wow, a purple webpage is not only extremely hard to read, but it's also painful on the eyeballs and it makes baby Jesus cry!"? Well, our ninja-toting friend was apparently out of town that day, and his/her brain forgot to give him/her the message. I almost gave them credit for not using a crappy tiled background image, but then I noticed they had done that on their main page. At least they managed to break the 1996 hit phenomena of wRiTiNg LiKe ThIs and providing links to Geocities and Yahoo, just in case someone desperately needed to go to one of those sites but couldn't for the life of them figure out how to get there.
SHITI quotes of the week
21.05.2005: hi monkey! monkey's genuine website
I'm hesitant to make fun of this website because, well, it's trying, gosh darn it! I'm sure its creators had nothing but the purest of intentions, but unfortunately, the road to terrible websites is paved with horrendous albino stuffed monkeys that look like Lambchops. I'm not quite sure what this website is supposed to be, other than a hodgepodge collection of cooking recipes, haikus and photographs all vaguely connected to this monkey. Everything is accompanied by staged shots of the little guy acting things out, and it's all so saccharin-sweet cute that my already diabetes-ridden pancreas just said "Aw, fuck it" and self-terminated.
Once again we see that the Shift key has apparently been banished from existence, as I scoured the entire site in search of a capital letter with little success. At least this time they have an excuse, as the site is supposed to be written by the monkey himself, and perhaps he's too small or unskilled to type properly. But it still managed to piss me off anyway. Monkey is also apparently quite the Voyageur, treking around the world for cheesy photo opportunities. When he can't make a personal appearance, he's crudely Photoshopped (or perhaps Painted) into the backdrop. All of the cooking recipes are for things like "How to Cook a Can of Soup" and "How to Pour Some Water into a Glass" yet it takes Monkey 15 meticulously documented steps. In the end, the over-the-top cute antics fail to impress.
SHITI quotes of the week
20.05.2005: dirrtygurl05's Xanga Site
This website is a perfect example of why computers should not be given to 13 year old girls. I still can't determine whether it's a parody of every bad stereotype of young teenage girls, or if dirrtygurl is actually that stupid, but either way I'm not holding my breath. If it's a over-the-top parody, then it's a bad sign when the creator of Janosz the Amaze can't tell. The use of capital letters is employed very sparsely, and never when appropriate. Dirrtygurl is also fond of taking absolutely every opportunity to misspell any word she can find, so it took me and a team of hired cryptologists (who aren't cheap, mind you) several weeks to decipher what the hell she was saying. I would say she's the culmination of the devolution of American youth, but she uses funny words like "tyre" and "rubbish" so I think she's from England.
Guess what, everyone - Dirrtygurl gets in fights with her friends at school! And the boy she likes ignores her! And her teacher totally yelled at her! OMFG! She's still bravely going - what a trooper!
SHITI quotes of the week
More entries with future updates!
