I'm back, baby! That's right, cousin Shorts is checking in to make sure that you're all alive and well, and if you're not, confirm that they have internet access in the afterlife (I figure once I'm dead I'll finally have time to check my thousands of emails and break thousands of lonely women's hearts). My pallete has been a bit full of late, what with my hectic work schedule, frequent court appearances, and of course the new season of The Surreal Life. And yet, I still managed to squeeze in this enthralling interview with acting legend Wilford Brimley. Check it out.
 | Mr. Brimley, I'd like to welcome you to the Renzo's Rant office headquarters. We're anticipating a move to a more..."professional" location in the near future, but for now Renzo's parents' basement will have to suffice. I trust you had no problems finding your way here? |
| Some woman upstairs was cookin' oatmeal. Good old fashioned Quaker oatmeal. Made me think of my diabeat-ess. |  |
 | That was probably Renzo's mother preparing breakfast. |
| If you're like me, and I reckon you are, you hate having to test your diabeat-ess. But Liberty Medical can help change all that. | |
 | Yes...uh, I'm sure they can. Anyway, Mr. Brimley, I'm very grateful to have this opportunity to discuss your long and elustrious film career. As a fellow actor, I can appreciate all of the subtle nuances one must bring to a role. |
| Breakfast sure has changed a lot since my day. Back then a microwave oven was called a wood stove. | |
| Yes, you've been making movies for over 35 years, and yet you only took up acting when you yourself were 35 years old. Before your acting career you were rodeo rider and a blacksmith, correct? |
| Checkin' your blood sugar level shouldn't have to be a pain. Neither should drivin' to the pharmacy to pick up your medicines. | |
| And it was this background that led to early roles in westerns, a typecast that you seem to have successfully escaped. I understand that your first acting role was in the John Wayne classic True Grit. What was it like working with the Duke in his quintessential role? |
| Grit...there's nothin' worse than a gritty bowl of oatmeal, you can believe me. That's why I only eat good old fashioned Quaker Oats oatmeal. Goes down smooth, every time. | |
| I...uh...I suppose it does. Your first well-known role was as a nuclear scientist in the thriller The China Syndrome. Was it easy making the change from small cowboy roles to a scientist? |
| Diabeat-ess is one syndrome that you don't have to suffer through. And with the new One-Drop testing system from Liberty Medical, just one drop of blood is all you'll ever need. | |
 | Mr. Brimley, I must say that your rather cryptic responses have me somewhat confused. |
| There's nothin' confusing about the new microwaveable Quaker oatmeal - just sixty seconds for a steamin' bowl of goodness that would take sixty minutes on the stove. | |
| Wilford, you do realise that you're being interviewed for a topical website, and not filming television commercials, don't you? |
| Are you givin' me lip, boy? | |
| My apologies, sir. Let's continue...the 1980s marked a string of science-fiction films for you. Your cult status was cemented with your memorable role in John Carpenter's The Thing. Are there any actors with whom you've worked that you'd swear were actually evil body-swapping aliens? |
| And the best part is, everything you need to test your diabeat-ess is shipped right to your door. So if you're not mobile, you can still take advantage of this great offer from the comfort of your own home. | |
| I must say, you were the best part of Cocoon. Have you ever wished that you could "turn back the clock", so to speak, and relive your glory days? |
| Your glory days don't have to end - with Liberty Medical oatmeal, you can have blood sugar quakers delivered to your microwave every month. | |
| Mr. Brimley, did your brain just explode? |
| I knew it - you're one of those damn body-swappin' aliens, ain't ya, boy? Well, you're never gonna probe this grizzled blacksmith! Where's my shotgun?! | |
| Uh...perhaps this would be a good point to conclude our interview. Are you sure you wouldn't like to go upstairs and have some of Mrs. Renzo's oatmeal? |
| Yes, dammit! My diabeat-ess is actin' up again! I need that sweet, sugary oatmeal NOW!! | |
That's all for now, folks. Be sure to check out my next celebrity interview, where I track down the woman who played the mother on ALF and find out what she's been doing since ALF - the answer, it turns out, is 'not very much'.
