ZUZU AND THE REST OF THE DANCING BEARS (Stage left- boxes and garbage cans. Stage right- boxes and garbage cans. An old boot too. Scene is dark, moonlight illuminates a small girl in a yellow rain slicker being pulled along by her mother. Violin music begins to whine in the background.) Little Girl (Hilda) (singing): Mother! Mother, do you hear that noise? It’s coming from that alley and I think it is a bear! (cresendo) Mother: Where? (cres.) Hilda: Right over there! (cres.) Mother: Over there? (cres.) Hilda: Yes, over there!(cres.) Mother (speaking): No dear, I do not hear it. (She continues to pull Hilda along. Men appear from behind boxes and out of garbage cans. They are robbers and bums and heroin addicts. One man smells like fish.) Man 1: A bear in New York City? She must be crazy! Man 2: You smell like fish. That’s what’s crazy! Men (singing): Hurrah! In the streets of New York it’s not safe in the night, for young girls and big bears and the like. You cannot cross the street without being mugged, in New York it’s really rare to be… hugged! In New York you can’t walk to the store without feeling the heat and the beat of the city we call NEW YORK!!! Man 1 (speaking): Say boys, what if there really *is* a bear? Man 2: And what if he’s in trouble? Men (singing): In New York the men stick together….for the worse and yes still for the better…but bears are a different matter……they don’t fit on the social ladder. They- Old Man (speaking): The only bear ‘round these parts was Ol’ Zuzu, the Dancing Bear! Old Man 2: Ol’ Zuzu! But he must be long dead! Old Man: Not the Dancing bears. They’re a surviving breed. They can take enough pain for four hundred men. Men (singing): Four hundred men! Oh well then…We must go to the bear, bring him tender loving care, and perhaps let him share….his tale. Man 1: Bring your fish! (They run off and back on. Spotlight on Zuzu, who is a giant bear wearing a party hat and drinking from a bottle in a paper bag. They approach him slowly. He growls softly and protects the bottle.) Men (singing): Do not worry, we’re not after the bottle…we are here to uncover your past…we are here to help ease your suff’ring… and eat bananas! New York Bananas! (They do an elaborate dance scene involving bananas and roller skates. People dressed in giant foam banana suits come out and start Can-Can-ing. Suddenly Zuzu yells:) Zuzu: Stop! (singing) I’ll tell you the tale of my bitter-sweet life, if only you’ll do me one thing….. Men: What?! Zuzu (speaking): Get those giant bananas out of here! I don’t even like bananas! What do you think I am, a monkey? Man 1: Sorry guys. Hey, who are we singing to next week? Banana: Don Knotts. (The bananas leave. The robbers, bums, and heroin addicts crowd around Zuzu.) Zuzu: My story begins in a small, over-crowded zoo in Manhattan……. (Scene shows small, over-crowded zoo. Zooms in on bear cage. A smaller Zuzu wearing a diaper sits on the ground.) Lil’ Zuzu: Mommy! Mommy! Who’s that? (He points to Crazy Al, the custodian. He is riding a unicycle around.) Mother: That’s just Crazy Al. He gives us hamburgers every night after closing, and if you’re lucky, you’ll get some rubbing alcohol. (Crazy Al dismounts and begins dancing. We see the reflection of dancing Crazy Al in Zuzu’s eyes.) Lil’ Zuzu: Mommy! What’s he doing now? Mother: Oh no! He’s dancing again! Lil’ Zuzu (says word slowly): Dan-cing. When I grow up, I’m going to dance! Mother: Ha ha, don’t be silly! The chances are far more likely you’ll become an astronaut, or a high school teacher, or something of the like. (The zoo manager runs up and chases Al away.) Lil’ Zuzu: Zuzu, the Dancing Bear! (End flashback; fade to present.) Zuzu (singing): And that is how I became who I am today. You see, Dancing bears are a rarity. They exist in the hearts of the young and the free. And in circuses. Many circuses. And that is where I learned what it was to be…a…Dan…cing…Bear! (Cymbals crash. Bears appear from all corners of stage. Circus curtains drop and the Ringmaster enters from a trap door in the stage. ) Ringmaster: I now present to you, in his debut performance, seen here first, Zuzu the Dancing Bear! (Zuzu rides a unicycle on stage. He is dressed up like an old judge, with long white wig and a hitter thing. Gavel! A gavel!) Zuzu: Roar! Roar roar roar! (Zuzu peddles around wobbling slightly. No one applauds. He honks his nose. No one applauds. He pounds his gavel. No one applauds. Someone coughs.) Ringmaster: Ok, that was Zuzu, the Dancing bear. Thank you Zuzu. (Zuzu pedals off stage. Lights down then up on Zuzu and the circus janitor.) Janitor (singing): I know how you feel…I was once in your paws…I used to be a clown but now I’m only a janitor. No one wants a clown to dance, or a bear for that matter…it was hip in the thirties…but now no one wants…a…dance. (The Ringmaster comes up.) Ringmaster: Dear old Zuzu…you’re in a fix!…You need a gimmick…you need some tricks!…Learn how to sing…learn how to walk…you could even…learn to taalllkkk!!! (cres.) Zuzu (talking): Roar roar talk? Janitor: That’s the spirit!! (They are thrown top hats and canes and begin a tap number.) Ringmaster (singing): Sooo…. If you want to get a crowd…you should learn to talk! Janitor: Talk! Ringmaster: Yes, if you want a crowd….. (points to Zuzu.) Zuzu (throwing arms up in air): I… should… taaaallllkkk! Janitor and Ringmaster: Hey! (They continue dancing. Fade away to office of speech therapist.) Therapist: Now Zuzu, can you say the word ‘orange’? Zuzu: Roar roarange. Therapist: Yes, very good. How about we try to say it without all that roaring? Zuzu: Roarange. Therapist: Hmm….. (makes notes in book.) (One Hour Later…..) Zuzu: My good friend, I do believe that I have an extensive enough vocabulary to stop these sessions and return to my former job at a small travelling circus. (He leaves the office and goes back to the circus.) Ringmaster (singing): Zuzu! Quick! You’re on in five! I hope you’ve learned to speak a lot, or the crowd out there will eat you alive! (He steps through the curtains.) Ringmaster (speaking): And now, back by popular demand…… Zuzu the Dancing Bear! (Everyone boos. Zuzu rides out on his unicycle with his judge suit.) Some guy: You suck! Zuzu: Shut up! Some guy: Wow, that bear can talk! He's giving me hell, and I love it! (Everyone gasps, then cheers. Zuzu gets down and begins dancing. Crowd cheers again.) Zuzu: Hey, everyone! I learned to talk! That makes me cool! (Bob Warner and his brother Joe are in the crowd.) Bob: Hey! We should make our own entertainment company and name it after ourselves! Joe: And Zuzu could be our big break! Bob (leaping to feet and singing): Zuzu! Zuzu, we could take you places…we could take you far…We’ll take you to the top Zuzu, we’ll make you into a star! Joe (speaking): If you’ll just sign right here please. It won’t cost much, just your soul! Zuzu: What? Joe: Nothing. Zuzu (singing): Oh, to be a star! What I would give for just one lick of fame. Oh, sign. Sign, sign. I will sign. (He signs. Back to present. Most of Zuzu’s listeners are asleep. One man is injecting himself with a needle.) Zuzu (speaking): Hey! Do you guys want to hear my story, or what? Men: Wha? What? We’re awake! Tell us your story, Zuzu! (The heroin addict passes out. Two bums drag him off stage.) Zuzu: Ok, but listen up. This was a major turning point for me. (Scene shows Zuzu lying on plush cushions and being fanned by gypsy women while listening to the Beatles. He is drinking Scotch and smoking a giant pipe.) Bob Warner: Zuzu, you fool! You can’t abuse your body that way! You’re in show business! You rely on your sexy voice and svelte body! Zuzu: Take it easy, man. (singing) I ain’t got nothing to lose…I’m a bear…I’m a bear in the biz and I still have my hair…I don’t do needles, I don’t snort crack…I’m better off than half the people I’ve met…I’m a bear. (speaking) Hey babe, a little more breeze over here…that’s the spot. Joe: Yo, bear! You on in five! (Exuent Zuzu and gypsies.) Bob: Hey Joe, I think we may have a problem with our bear. When we signed him, we signed him clean. We’re a family business. He’s hurting our image. Joe: Yeah, I mean, we’re not Paramount. And get this, I was talking to the bear’s trainer, and he says that someone’s been stealing the animal tranquilizers. Bob: Oh, that’s it! After tonight’s show, we’re going have a chat with that bear! (Scene cuts to after the show. Zuzu is drunk and eating peanuts by the bucketful.) Bob (singing): Zuzu.. Zuzu.. Zuzu.. Zuzu…I know that you are just a bear, but bears can’t go around with addictions. (speaking) At least not bears who work for Warner Bros. We already had this trouble with Elmer Fudd. Do you know why he was so violent, and stuttered so much? Withdrawal. Joe (singing): With-draw-al. Bob (speaking): Zuzu, we’re giving you back your soul. We suggest that you search it real hard. The bars on the outside, they don’t serve bears, and life’s looking down on you now. Joe (singing): We’re canning you. Take your tutu and go. Here’s ten bucks for your food. I hope that you can make it out there. But realistically, it’s no place for a bear. You have your name, but you weren’t really that big. There’s a place down on Fifth, with an agent who might take you on…. Bob: (speaking) But don’t count on it, junkie! (Zuzu jumps in a taxi and drives off. Back to future.) Zuzu (singing): Na na NA NA, na na NA NA, hey Jude.… Junkie: Wha? Zuzu, are you tripping out again? Zuzu: No, no. It’s just something we old Bears do. Get carried away, that is. That’s the song that was on the radio that night - Hey Jude. I remember it because I started singing and the cab driver got to…..(fade to flashback) Cab Driver: Hey bear! You singin’? Zuzu: Yeah, you wanna make something of it? Cab Driver: No no, you sounded good. Yeah, just like John Lennon. Zuzu: Well, good. I’m glad you ain’t trying to make something of it, ‘cuz I just got canned, and I have an addiction to feed. I would have ground you up and sold your organs for tranquilizer. Cab Driver: Needles? Boy, foo’, you messed up. Why don’t you let me help you out? I got a friend…. (He takes Zuzu to the beach and stops in front of a lifeguard building.) Zuzu: Who lives here? Cab Driver: Your worst nightmare. Zuzu: I didn’t know Joey Lawrence lived here. (He goes inside. David Hasselhoff is stepping out of the shower.) David (seeing Zuzu): Auuggh! (He sucks in his gut) Zuzu (fainting): Auuurrrggghhh! (Zuzu wakes up. David is standing over him.) David (singing): Young bear…. Wake up…. You’ve had a terrible scare…. Zuzu (speaking): You got any glue? David: Man, man! I’m gonna fix you up! (Shows Zuzu doing gruelling exercises. He is skipping, doing pushups, boxing, etc. “ Eye of the Tiger” is playing. Zuzu runs along the beach in track suit. Music fades and scene goes to David in hot tub.) David: Augghh…. I’ve had a long day saving people from those dangerous Sea-Doo-ers. Zuzu (struggling with weight machine): Could I take a br-brr-break, please? David: No! (He grabs a bullwhip and cracks it at Zuzu.) (singing) Zuzu, when I took you in you were an overweight druggie, but now you’re as fit as me. Zuzu (speaking): But this is only my second day. David: I know. You’ve never seen me working out, have you? (singing) You’ve been clean for a while, but two hours ain’t great. You’re really addicted, you see. So it’s time for some action! (Cymbals crash.) It’s time for a change! It’s time for a whole new game plan! You’ll dance once again, and if you want an agent, then Zuzu I am your maaaaan! (cres.) Zuzu (speaking): How much? David: Two hundred grand a year. Zuzu: What?! I’m broke! David: Don’t worry, man. I got connections. Soon you’ll be rakin’ in the dough. Zuzu: Alright, but I gotta live with you til’ I find a place. David: Uh, ok. Well, I mean, in the attic of course. I don’t want you interfering with the hot chicks. Like this one girl today, ok, she was fifty-some, but she *looked* forty-eight, like tops man, anyway, she says to her friend, hey! That’s David Hasselhoff! He’s such a dream boat! And the other girl coughs up some phlegm, butts out and wipes her nose. And then she says Yeah. And spits. So she wasn’t so great, but get this, the other one, she burns her with her smoke and says Ah, shaddup. And then she calls me over, and I act all suave, like, no autographs eh, and she says you wanna hang out at Denny’s tonight? Maybe we could go back to your house and watch a Rodney Dangerfield flick. So I say, yeah maybe Babe. Why don’t you come by the set and…Zuzu? Zuzu! (Zuzu is passed out on the floor. A half empty bottle of cleaner liquid lies in his paw.) Zuzu: Stopp..pp.. David: Oh man! I gotta go. You better have this cleaned up when I get back. And get in the attic. I don’t want Honey seeing no drugged up bear in my kitchen. (Exuent David.) Zuzu (singing): What have I done and where am I going? Nothing seems upbeat no more. My grammar is slipping and damned if it ain’t showing. My personal life is really a bore. The business is bad an’ it’s getting badder. My hair is receding and I’m getting fatter. I’ve nowhere to go, I’m a washed up ol’ shmo…I’m really movin’ down on the ladder....Well, wait a minute! (Bears pop up in the background, apparently out of nowhere) Bears (chanting): Go go go go! Zuzu (singing): I ain’t beaten yet, I got plenty of time, I’m ready I’m set, I’m coming alive! Bears: Zu zu zu zu! Zuzu: I’ll open a club! Bears: Zu zu zu zu! Zuzu: I’ll call it Club Zuzu! (Bears in background: Zu zu zu zu! Zu zu zu zu! Zu zu zu zu! Zu! Go go go Zuzu, you old dancing bear! Go go go Zuzu, you’ll make it there! La la la Zuzu, blah blah blah blah! No one is listening, so we don’t have to sing!) I’ll have bears, dancing bears and dear Lulu, that bear from the zoo, that I saw on T.V.! She’ll give up her day job! She’ll start working for me! I’ll have flamingos! Bears: Pink flamingos! Zuzu: And palm trees! Bears: Pink palm trees! Zuzu: And I’ll serve Burt Reynolds drinks! I’ll be famous again, all over the world, because bears just never get beat! Bears: No, never get beat! Zuzu: But I need the cash. Bears: Oh, he needs the cash. Zuzu: Where will I get the cash? Oh, I must make my dream come true. I promise to stay clean, I won’t be like Charlie Sheen, if only I could just get a break! (David Hasselhoff returns with some fat old men and trashy women.) David: Zuzu! I thought I told you to stay in the attic! Get upstairs now! (Zuzu goes upstairs. He is half way up when David calls him back.) David: Zuzu! Get down here and dance for my friends! And bring us some tea and cookies too. I’ve always been partial to tea and cookies. (Zuzu hesitates then comes back downstairs.) David: Dance down those stairs darn it! And sing, can’t you sing?! (David and co. begin to drink heavily, slur and stumble imitating Zuzu. Honey makes him wear her tutu (which fits perfectly) and cheap tiara.) David: Sing, my bear angel of music! Zuzu: I was a lonely bear… David: Sing!!! Zuzu: I thought that no one could care….. David: SING!!! Zuzu: I even sold all my hair… David: SIN- you what? Zuzu: Nothing. Just needed a rhyme. David: Oh. Well, go get some rest. I’ll be waking you up at three in the morning dressed in my robe and slippers with a rifle to make you come down and dance for Grandma. Zuzu: Oh…but can’t I stay up just a little later? David: No! We want to put on make-up and lampshades and listen to “Boogie Oogie Oogie”. Zuzu: Oh man, I never get to do the fun stuff. Old Zuzu Voiceover (singing): Later that night…. Zuzu (singing): I ain’t going to take this….I’m getting out of here…I’m going through the window…but first I’m going to rob this sucka blind! (Zuzu rifles through house but only finds a bag of ringdings and a signed photograph of the Fonz.) Zuzu: Oh man! (Zuzu jumps out window. He is walking down street at night. Several bears follow in the darkness.) Zuzu: Oh this will be great, I’m going out on my own, I’m going to be someone all bears can be proud of. I’m going start my own business, I’m going be rich, I’m going put talking bears on the map man! Now all I need is some help and some friends. (Bears pop out into street light.) Bears (speaking): We’ll help you! We want to make something all bears can be proud of! Zuzu: Ok! Bears: What do you need us to do? Zuzu: Can anyone make pizza? Bear 1: Yes! Zuzu: And can anyone bartend? Bear 2: Yes! Zuzu: And can anyone tell jokes? Bear 3: Yes! I mean no. I thought you were going to ask if anyone could skydive. Zuzu: Oh. Well can anyone else? Lulu (arriving out of darkness): I can. Zuzu: Lulu! Lulu: Yes. But only by night. By day I am a mild-mannered- Zuzu: Whatever. You wanna work at my club? Lulu: What’s it called? Zuzu (scratching head): Well…. it doesn’t exactly have a name. Lulu: Okay. Where is it? Zuzu: Uh… it actually doesn’t exist yet. It’s more of an idea. But with you as my main act the sky’s the limit! Lulu: That’s it! The sky’s the limit! It can be the name of our club and we can have a dance number and a drink and a… Zuzu: Hey man. It’s still my dream, right? My dream, my name. Thanks. Bear 1: Where is we gonna have dis club? Zuzu (singing): A home…must have character…a place must have a feel…a haunt must be familiar…it’s all in Situation! Bears (to the tune of "In The Navy"): Sit-u-ation! Well, it’s part of the game! Sit-u-ation! Has to go with the name! Sit-u-ation! Can someone put out that flame! (Show bear’s bum on fire.) Bears: Situation! Lulu: Woah. If I’m gonna work in this club, it’s gonna be an uptown joint. A classy uptown joint. (Flip to future) Drug addict: Did someone say joint? Zuzu: Yeah. You freakin’ addict! Now shut up! And get me some pizza! (Back to past) Lulu: Yeah! And get me some pizza! Bears: Wha? Uh, ok. Zuzu: Oh fine. I’ll see if I can find an old warehouse uptown that doesn’t smell like old fish and sweatsocks and that has a big giant neon banana out front. Lulu: Hey! I know of a place like that! Zuzu: Really? Lulu: No, you moron! What old warehouse sells bananas and has great highway access? But I do know a great giant banana outside of a warehouse that smells like jube jubes. Zuzu: Jube jubes! Alright! Man, I’ll *build* a highway if I have to! (singing) Yes! That’s what I’ll do! Let’s roll, guys! Let’s go! If we don’t hurry someone might buy it first! And we can put a pita place in back! And call it Pita Pan! If it’s not copyrighted! And if it is we’ll call it Pita Pants! And we can sell McWraps and if that’s patented we’ll call them McCraps! And we can charge people money to swing from the chandeliers! And to dance with Lulu! Lulu: No way! Zuzu: But you’re beautiful! Lulu: Fresh! Zuzu: Of course we’re fresh! We’re also new! And hot and hip and happ’nin’! Because we’re…. Bears: BEARS! (End of first act. Audience may leave for muffins and pop if necessary)