Now that Nate has his new kidney and claims that his mind has at long last returned to him, I took it as a good time to interview him again. He's been living with his parents since he got the new kidney in June. I called him the day before to set up time for an interview. He told me to come by whenever I wanted to as long as it wasn't before he had his daily snapple. I stopped in around two in the afternoon.

I pulled into his driveway, being careful to avoid the large pile of gravel that's sitting in the middle and after gathering my gear together knocked on the front door. His mom answers and invites me in. The two of us chat for a few minutes. She just this morning went to the new JC Penny and got a new pocketbook. It's a bit larger than her last one and has a good shoulder strap. I've been meaning to get a new one too. Mine is way past its last legs. Also I'm getting tired of green. I don't wear as much green as I used to so it clashes with most of what I wear. Hers is a nice shade of brown. Maybe a little darker tan color. But there's also a red one just like hers. Red would be an interesting change for me. Plus, if I go today I can get $20 off.

Anyway, after I get back from JC Penny and show off my new red pocketbook to Mrs.Knox, I finally make my way up to Nate's room. Considering how Nate is used to living the room is in pretty good condition. There are some clothes heaped in the corner. It's unclear if they're clean or dirty. Something tells me Nate doesn't even know which. There's a small tv on the floor. Next to it is his playstation and a large stereo system. A green towel hangs from a closet door. On a bureau in the corner are stacked loose papers, a few comics, and a medical bracelet. I pick up the bracelet and read the date. It's from Maine Med. the date is 6/6/06. His transplant bracelet.

The man himself is sitting in the only chair in the room typing away on his laptop. He has headphones on and has yet to acknowledge me. Next to his rocking chair is another stack of loose papers, thicker comics, and dried up bits of cheez-its. On the other side of chair there are bigger bits of dried up cheez-its and old boxes of cheez-its. I get my taperecorder out of my new red stylish pocketbook and sit down on the bed.

Nate-Why are you sitting on my bed?

DR-It's off limits?

Nate-Yeah. There's a cot in the corner that you can shape like a chair if you feel you have to sit.

DR-Thanks...

Nate-Dig the new hadbag by the way. Gotta say it looks familar for some reason.

DR-You help her pick it out?

Nate-We'd still be there if I didn't.

DR-Important dicisions take time. You need to learn this.

Nate-Oh I learned that a long time ago. By ten I knew that if we did any clothes shopping it was at least an hour and half of my life I wasn't getting back. Even if we were shopping for me. I mean, come on. These pants fit, they don't hurt when worn, can't we just leave now?

DR-(heavy sigh of frustrated woman goes here)So how are feeling these days? Back to the cheez-its I see.

Nate-Cheez-its are the foundation of any good diet. Along with snapple and chocolate.

DR-And I suppose all the other foods that would have killed you when you were on dialysis?

Nate-Fuckin' right. I eat peanut butter chocolate bars like you wouldn't believe.

DR-So I understand you took the last year off from any meaningful writing. Why?

Nate-It's hard to write with only one free arm. While I did get pretty good at it by the end it was too much of a hassle to really work. When I could think straight enough to come up with words my hand couldn't keep up with my mind. It got too frustrating. Not to mention it's hard enough thinking of things to write when you've got quiet. Trying it when six tv's are going, everyone's machine won't stop beeping, and Justin won't friggin' shut up about how he's going to get Mike fired....it was trying at times.

DR-So why didn't you just write when you had free time?

Nate-When I had free time? Man, why didn't I think of that? That would have solved all my problems. Free time...what a concept.

DR- Okay so-

Nate-Because all my 'free time' was spent wrapped in blankets trying to get warm or sleeping. Or my personal favorite, staring out into nothing waiting for the time to pass when I'd have something to do.

DR-Sounds exciting.

Nate-Oh yeah. Laugh a fuckin' minute. (sighs) Although at times it wasn't as bad as you might think. Going somewhere three times a week where people would listen to your complaints and try to help you was nice. And while driving back and forth was a bitch on gas money it was the only time when I could totally relax.

DR-How so?

Nate-Those hours of driving were the only time when no one could reach me or bug me about shit I didn't want to hear. I could just sit back, crank up the radio, and sing along as loud as I could. In a way I miss it. (pauses thoughtfully) Not enough that I'd stop taking my medications of course, but it was nice in a way.

DR-Yes, I remember you singing a lot. My ears still hurt in fact.

Nate-(chuckles)Hey, I seem to recall a certain someone singing and dancing in their seat to I'm just a girl every oppertunity they got.

DR-...It's a good song. So you're back to writing now?

Nate-Yup, that I am. I have to say it feels pretty good. The main problem before was that I could come up with events that would be really cool and all badass, but when I sat down to write them I just couldn't come up with words. I saw the entire scene in my head and actually the entire book in my head, but I could barely type out a coherent sentence. Sometimes I got one, but then if I managed to get out another one I'd end up deleting the first because the second said the same thing only better. After a month of that I just decided to take a break. That and the fact I expected to die at any moment.
All that's behind me now though. I can think much clearer now and when I sit down to write I delete whole paragraphs because the next one says the same thing better. (raises fist into the air) Progress!

DR-Why do you think you had so much trouble before? You said you had little free time, but when you did find time what do you think stopped you?

Nate-In the last month of dialysis my doctor was making his rounds and came over to chat about how I was doing. I told him all my little complaints. I couldn't sleep well, I was drained and tired all the time. My muscles hurt whenever I moved, all sorts of little crap like that. He went through my chart and poked me a bit and gave some medical jargon about how this can cause some of that, that can cause some of this. Then he said, "And also you know Nate most of this could be brought on by stress. I mean think about it. Three times a week you drive an hour and half and watch your blood get shot through this machine. That can cause stress."

DR-Makes sense.

Nate-Smart guy Dr.Hand. I probably had so much trouble with writing because I couldn't devote any real amount of energy to it. Too busy being stressed about the blood.

DR-There did seem to be a lot of it.

Nate-You have to admit it was kinda funny though. Like all those times I stood up at the end and it took a couple seconds to realize the red paint on the floor was actually blood dripping from arm. Ahhh....good times.

DR-If you like I can hide your medications. Be back there by this time next week.

Nate-Thanks, but no. I'm happy with my eight peanut butter chocolate bars a day.

DR-Eight?! You eat eight a day?!

Nate-Well...every other day. It averages out to just four a day. Really Dragonrane, you worry too much. Besides, the box says they're surprisingly nutritious. Would the box lie? They'd bend the truth and maybe mislead us a tad, but outright lie? No.

DR-(heavy sigh of frustrated woman goes here)So now that you've started writing again and can write whole paragraphs at a time what can we expect?

Nate-Thought you'd never ask. I've finally got the Mike and K'Trana chapters formulated in my head and I've actually finished the first chapter. I just haven't uploaded it yet. There's some parts that still need a bit of tweeking, but overall I like it enough that I don't delete it all and start over. I had to write about five different versions of the first chapter before I got it right. One version I got to like the....third chapter then started over again.

DR-I thought you took the last year off?

Nate-I did. This was before I started the dialysis. There were a couple versions of it I wrote while on dialysis, but I gave those up after maybe a few pages.

DR-Why'd you start over so many times?

Nate-(thinks for a moment before answering) I couldn't really get the why part right. I knew what I wanted to have happen, but I couldn't get out why the characters were letting it happen. All my attempts were just coming off as unbelievable.

DR-Like what?

Nate-Okay, well as you may recall in the end of part one Mike died in the cave fighting the giant squirrel queen that K'Trana created to show the kids that being super powered humans wasn't all fun and games. She has Hipster bring Mike back from the dead and then he goes to sleep for three days. Part two is three weeks later. I split it into two parts. The first is what happens at the house with those guys and the second is what goes on with Mike and K'Trana.

DR-Yes, I think that covers the recap.

Nate-I'm just covering the bases. There could be people out there who, dare I say, haven't read my masterpiece. I know, shudder the thought.
Anyway, I knew K'Trana had to come back when Mike was alone and whisk him away to the astral plane. But I couldn't figure out how to do that with Mike being the way he was. In the first couple drafts Mike just went along all happy go lucky, gee-whiz K'Trana this astral stuff sure is keen! But when I stopped and thought about it more I came to realize that none of that made any sense. Mike had just died violently because of this woman. Why would he even want to see her again? Wouldn't he be deeply traumatized by dying? He'd have all sorts of new mental issues. It took me a few tries to strike the right balance and reasoning for it to make any amount of sense.
The first time I wrote it I had Mike all sullen and depressed and wondering if he was ever going to be himself again. I had this good paragraph in fact that implied if things went on he was going to start cutting himself. I feel kinda bad actually that I ended up not going that route. I was really happy with how it was phrased and thought out. Would have given me all sorts of cred with the loner goth crowd. In that version K'Trana shows up in the bathroom and tells him she's there to save him and to do that he has to go with her. He does mostly because he doesn't care about anything anymore. I got to maybe the second chapter in that, but ended up scrapping it because Mike was too much of a pushover and it wasn't working. I didn't want him to be a whiny cry baby. I wanted him to have issues, but not issues that made him a total wimp.
The next few versions I kept him depressed, but instead of super sad wimpy depressed I made him angry he was depressed. The problem I ran into with that though was that if he had energy to be angry he'd have energy to be afraid of K'Trana and not want anything to do with her. I tried the angle that she just came down and kidnaps him, but that would just completely muck things up.

DR-Why?

Nate-I was getting to that.

DR-Sorry. Go on.

Nate-Well if she kidnaps him then he'd always be plotting escape. Especially considering how she got him killed last time she was around. I'd have have to spend so much time going on about how he's planning to get away and her trying to get back some level of trust between them that I couldn't get across anything else. And if I didn't focus on the escape angle and trust rebuilding then the whole thing would be beyond unrealistic. Who'd believe instant Stockholm syndrome?
My next try was the one I ended up going with. Mike got even more angry not nearly as depressed as before, but it was still there and wanting to just wreck anything that looked at him wrong.

DR-And this is the version we'll see?

Nate-Yeah. In this version I took more time to explain and in a way reintroduce Mike. In the others I pretty much just launched into it not giving any backround on what Mike was feeling. It works much better that way. Plus, in this version I finally got an explaination of why he goes with K'Trana that makes sense for both their characters. Mike is so super pissed at everyone for hovering around him that he starts fantasizing about throwing them into walls and snapping their necks, but feels slightly guilty about it because he knows they're just worried. So when K'Trana shows up she tells him that she can take him away from his friends for a while because he knows that if he stays he's going to give in and hurt them and she knows he doesn't really want that. So he goes along with her to protect them from himself.
This way Mike isn't a tired, broken weakling or constantly plotting escape. He still feels trapped, but it's by circumstance not by K'Trana. He stays angry, which is how I want him to be, but overwhelmed by his new surroundings that he isn't acting on his anger at all. I did end up cheating a little though.

DR-On what?

Nate-Mike's terrified of K'Trana, and as well he should be she's this divine, cosmic being that got him killed. But to go anywhere with her he couldn't be so afraid of her that he had panic attacks whenever he thought about her. So I had her do a pyschic whammy on him that takes away his fear of her. In some way it's cheating, but from her point of view it does make sense. She knows he'll never want to be with her if he's scared to death of her so she just rewrites him. It's what any one would do if they had mental powers beyond mortal understanding.

DR-So this is where we'll see the Mike/K'Trana romance takes shape?

Nate-Sure is. Gonna be great just you wait. I've got it all in me head (taps his head with finger). I've tried to make K'Trana as much a normal person as possible. I think that's the key to her character that while the other angels have let themselves become lofty angels that don't deal with mortals much anymore K'Trana has tried to stay entrenched with the rest of the world. She stills cares while the others don't. Part of her still caring though is she still has emotional needs. Which is where Mike comes into play.
What I'm really looking forward to getting to is her interactions with the other angels. They're the only ones that can see through this mask she puts on to the rest of the world and when they talk to her it's going to be fun to see how she reacts.

DR-Do you think your year of dialysis and all the kidney trouble effected your overall writing style?

Nate-hmmmm...Not my overall style. Not that much at least. I incorperated some aspects into some characters, but I don't think it changed my style that much.

DR-Which characters did you incorperate?

Nate-Mostly Mike. A lot of his anger and swearing are probably things I felt at one time or another. Like being asked all the fucking time how I was feeling. After a week of that you just want to start punching people.

DR-Now that you're healthy again do you have any big plans for the future?

Nate-Ahhhh...another question that makes me want to punch people. Brings a smile to my face every god damn time...For now I'm just going to pay off some old bills, build up my money, see what I'm in the mood for. It's not like I'm in a huge rush to do things with my life now. I've got time. An idea I'm still getting used to...

DR-Do you mind if we talk about the transplant itself at all?

Nate-I got no problem, no. What do you want to know? I've got fun stories about Cathiter foleys. Dick hurts just thinking about it...

DR-...Great....I'll be sure to highlight that part in the final copy. Put it bold type maybe...

Nate-You're the one who brought it up. When I think of those four days that's the big thing that stands out. That and the terrible cable Maine Med. has.
It'd just friggin' dreadful. Considered how probably no one ever sleeps there you'd think they could at least get a few more channels. I actaully watched that 'surprise! you're a perp!'. I still don't see how that's not some kind of entrapment.

DR-But you did get to eat real food again?

Nate-YES! Dr. Whiting came in the first morning after to say hi and check on me and I asked what I had for diet restrictions and he said, "Nothing." It was a happy time.
He said it as he was walking out too. It was all very ER/medical drama. I spent the next few days eating and drinking whatever I could get my hands on. The doctors came by every morning to check on me and they said I was doing unbelievablly well after they saw me scoop up some oatmeal that had fallen onto my johnny. (laughs) It was one of those things that at the time kinda sucks, but when you look back is funny. The friday I went home I got to take a shower in my room. A real shower. With no help from nurses. By then I was tube free. I started with four. Five if you count the one they put in me when I was under.

DR-What tube was that?

Nate-(taps neck) They intubated me. Stuck a tube down my throat when I was under. They took it out before I woke up, but my throat was still scratchy. I remember them pushing me into my room and they adjusted the bed and things then asked me if I needed anything. My voice was all hoarse and I could barely hear myself, but I said morphine. It took me a couple tries for them to hear and understand me, but they did and they handed me my morphine button. They were about to go and they asked if I needed anything else. (laughs) I just held up the morphine clicker button, paused for a second, then pressed the button very dramatically and closed my eyes.

DR-Was Morphine good?

Nate-I didn't use it all that much. There was a counter on the machine of how many times you'd used it and the morning they took it away the doctor checked it. She said I'd used it 27 times. I thought that was a lot, but she was blown away at how little I'd needed it. Mom used her's more, but then she had more issues than I did.
When I did use it it was mostly because I wanted to sleep a little. It's next to impossible to sleep in that place. There's cars outside all the time, machines beeping and humming, people down the hall moaning and cursing the unmerciful god that won't let them die. With the morphine though you can get about an hour of sleep. After that you wake up again and either push the button for more or sit and stare at the clock, counting down the time til the sun comes up.

DR-And now you're all back and better than ever?

Nate-That's the company line. Unoffically I still get tired now and then, but that's probably because I push myself too far even for a normal person. I am much, much better now though. I don't think I've felt this healthy and strong since....maybe I was thirteen. I honsetly can't remember. My muscles still get stiff now and then too. They don't cramp like they used to, but they start to if I over do it.

DR-Would it be okay if we talk about Barrett?

Note:Barrett was a friend of Nate's in high school. He died of a heart attack roughly a week after Nate's transplant.

Nate-(shrugs)I don't see what there is to really say. When I found out he died I wasn't surprised at all. I was a bit guilty actually how unsurprised I was. It might have been unexpected but it wasn't shocking. He had had major heart trouble a few years before. It still completely sucked, but I wasn't surprised it happened.

DR-But how do you feel about it

Nate-It may sound weird, but I think I have a touch of survivor's guilt.

DR-In what way?

Nate-I had and have no real plans for life, no real distinct goals, no girlfriend, no real interest in a girlfriend. I enjoy my freedom and space. I have a long drawn out illness and expect to die any day and sometimes wish I would just to get it all over and done with. I live and come out stronger and healthier than ever.
Barrett had plans for life, had distinct goals, which he was well on the road to fulfilling. He had a girl that he had proposed to, he enjoyed the company of others and they all enjoyed his company. He dies suddenly out of the blue.
(stares blankly at the floor)Ain't life grand?

DR-You have people that enjoy your company.

Nate-I know, but you get what I'm saying. (pauses) Sometimes I'll see things or hear things that remind me of him. Maybe I'll hear a joke or think something up and I'll want to tell him the next time I see him then I realize that could take a good while.
I think the whole dialysis thing made me overly used to the idea that people can be there one day and dead the next. There were a couple people on my shift that died over the year I was there and I got used to people just disappearing without any warning. So when it happened to someone I knew it almost felt like business as usual. I sometimes wish him dying affected me more, but it doesn't. Does that make me a bad person ya think?

DR-Only if you think it doesn't.

Nate-oh, deep.

DR-I think that's enough for today. Can I come back after you're done with part two?

Nate-Wouldn't have it any other way.

I pack up my stuff into my brand new pocketbook, say good bye to Mrs.Knox, being sure to give her a warning about Nate's diet, and head home.