6-9-03 1:02am
i'm really high on cannabis, cannabis, cannabis
i'm really high on cannabis early in the morning
6-2-03 7:42pm
world are fucking self now! fucking self and leaving monkey alone! fucking self in ass with pineapple until world are learning lesson!
5-25-03 5:00pm
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
| Level | Score |
|---|---|
| Purgatory (Repenting Believers) | Very Low |
| Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) | Low |
| Level 2 (Lustful) | High |
| Level 3 (Gluttonous) | High |
| Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) | Moderate |
| Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) | Extreme |
| Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) | Extreme |
| Level 7 (Violent) | Extreme |
| Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) | High |
| Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) | Moderate |
| You are 36% geek | You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator.
Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend. |
Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com
5-14-03 9:25pm
marilyn manson made an art film. marilyn manson's art film is my friend.
5-13-03 5:54pm
louis and i made cookies today because he has today and tomorrow off. he got the new Cold album and my god he's so cute. he had tears in his eyes watching the dvd; he says Cold has always been like that for him, it moves him to the point where tears well up in his eyes. but i still love to see emotion in my flower's eyes.
i still hate magan maxwell. i have the feeling i need to get out of this city soon because i sort of made a threat on her life. oops.
anyway, i'm doing pretty good. cookies are yum, and so is my boyfriend. i miss my monkeys but fuck, i love the hell outta them anyway. oh and dude...i'm only wearing four bracelets.
"wanna squeeze ya, stupid girl."
5-9-03 9:45pm
so, i honestly don't know if i'm taking my prozac as regularly as i should. i don't know if i took it today. if i took it at night it would be easier to remember, but it works better during the day, or something. i'm on 60 mgs a day now. the fact that i'm still on prozac after seven years makes me wonder if there's going to ever be an alternative. it scares me, because i don't like the fact that i depend on medication to stabilize my mood and my life. i think i've been noticing a few more happy moods where i feel like i *can* kill everything in my way, but i still always come down to some level of lethargy and loss of will to live. but it's not nearly as serious as it could be. i've actually been drawing a bit lately, of course no one cares, all i hear is "do you have a job yet? when are you going to get a job?" my god i can't take this fucking society bullshit, i'm DIFFERENT from you people, i can't live up to your expectations and i don't WANT to. i realize now that bipolar disorder not only weakens its victims but also makes them stronger in other areas. the reason people feel like god when they're manic is because they fucking ARE. i have some qualities that are pretty unique and i'm not going to go against them just to try and fit in with the rest of you. i don't like you. i only like my friends, and guess what, they're ALL mentally ill.
okay, i went off on a tangent and got a little mean. i'm sorry. it's amazing how bitter i can get.
so louis and i went on a hike through the woods behind the state hospital the day before yesterday and it was very tiring. my muscles are still sore. we found the bones of a dead deer in the forest and brought them back to this sand pit thing at the top of one of the hills where you can look out over traverse city. we made a fire there and put the bones around the fire pit in a circle.
by the way, i'm on my ma's computer again. ha ha.
5-4-03 7:12pm
oh, god. so fucking tired. so i went to my last con in detroit and it was cool. i hadn't actually been to a con in a while, so it was a good reminder; everything doesn't suck. so...very lifted spirits, spiritual growth, met cool people that i never would have known and am so happy to have met. and now i am overjoyed to be back with louis after a whole weekend without him (gasp) and i'm just fucking happy.
4-29-03 7:18pm
so, louis decided to go to the library today to look at books about hawaii, so here i am geeking it up on the computer. last night we burned a jesus tree and a bra. yay!
4-28-03 5:35pm
i am at the library. ick. my mama won't let me on her computer "ever again" so here i am. i went to see my new psychiatrist today, she coo. i like her. she increased my prozac dosage. god DAMN i'm fucking hungry. and it's going to take me forty minutes to ride my bike home, jesus. maybe i can stop and see if timmy's home. i doubt he has any food though. god damn. god DAMN. GOD damn. GOD DAMN! stop. stop it. stop it now. stop that rhyming now, i mean it! STOP! fuck. fuck. fuck.
4-25-03 7:26pm
god. finally, alone time with myself. i mean, i've been alone all day, but i'm on the computer now. i don't know why that changes things. i just feel like i'm...with myself. the gears are turning. i hate being deprived of this. because i don't have regular computer access i'm almost completely cut off from megan and holly and they keep going onward and bonding without me and i feel fucking left out and alone and unimportant. but i guess i should get used to it because i'm going to be going far away and they are going to stay here and i won't be able to talk to them very much. i will miss them.
4-21-03 9:55pm
shit! i forgot to fill out the con registration forms. shit shit shit. shit. okay. i'd better do that. louis's car is still dead. he had to walk to and from work today. actually, he's supposed to get out of work at 10:00 so i might go meet him on his walk back. hmm. where did i put those forms?
4-20-03 1:15pm
last night louis's car died so we went on a walk and harrassed geese. one of them tried to bite me for taking a picture of him. soon i have to go to my dad's house for a not easter something to eat. ug, me not interesting today.
4-16-03 9:05pm
no energy
4-16-03 10:26pm
so, the other night louis and i decided to run around naked in a cemetary downtown and it was fun. then we walked around in the woods by the state hospital, ended up at meijer, walked back, to the top of the hill, peed on it (it's mine now) and made our way back to the car. went home and ate hot dogs. went to sleep.
anyway, i'm about to print out con registration forms and go to the clock to fill them out. yaaay.
4-13-03 8:33am
i was so bored yesterday that i ended up staring off the edge of my roof watching the snow melt. but i called bejmo and made him come over and order a pizza, after which alice and traci arrived, whereupon we fucked around with a pogo stick and a mannequin dressed in a subway outfit until we decided to go to target and harrass louis. we followed him around the parking lot while he pushed carts, then sat behind a dumpster and called it home until he got out of work. we went to the clock, drank lots of coffee, ate sugar packets, snorted the contents of sugar packets, then left for alice's house. traci and i played with a bunch of children's toys, louis silently drew a lot of disturbing pictures, and alice lost her dog. we walked to a gas station and got more coffee. we talked but made absolutely no sense. we came back here so louis could get ready for work at 8:00, alice and traci left. louis went to work. i'm. like.
and stuff.
4-11-03 9:56pm
*yawn* not much to talk about. but sometimes pointless rambling can be enlightening. um...at the mall today scott and i had a wonderful little conversation about eating babies. i ate almost an entire bag of jelly beans and then actually admitted to having too much sugar. it was a beautiful day, except for the sun and humans. there were these girls sitting with scott and me that were talking about what supreme bitches they were and passing around a baby. jesus. i wonder what that kid is gonna grow up like.
4-10-03 8:38pm
i feel much better. i had a complete breakdown on the fifth but nothing seriously significant happened and a couple days later i was better, thanks to louis. but i must be off, i'm about to stalk my cart boy at work.
4-5-03 3:20pm
i am not okay.
i had a dream that my mom ate meat, my brother smoked a cigarette and i couldn't turn off my tv.
my brother called me today, and hung up on me.
i tried to talk to louis last night about something in my head and it didn't go well.
the only feelings i have right now are anger and hatred, and there's nothing i can do, no one i can talk to, no one to understand, no one to help. i'm in a fucking hole, and i don't believe i will ever get out.
4-2-03 9:58pm
my mom isn't being hitler today. she's in a good mood today. it's weird. i want to go to hawaii. blah.
3-31-03 6:49pm
i swear to fucking god, i can't fucking take this fucking shit anyfuckingmore. my mother is a sadistic bitch and the only thing there is to do anymore is hate everything and cry to louis. i want to die. i want to kill my mom, and i want to die.
3-30-03
i want to die so i don't have to deal with everything i fucking hate it and don't want to exist HOW HARD IS THAT TO UNDERSTAND? you motherfuckers i'm bound to kill you all one day you greedy hypocritical fucks i know killing is wrong but these mental problems they get me so confused you know sometimes i can't tell what's real and what's not. what the fuck is real? what the fuck is anger management? god damn it, there has to be something better than...this shit. shitshitshit. everyone is always better than me, right? i can't have any rights because everything i do is wrong. i have a giant spider living on my head. i need to get a job. i need to shut the fuck up and be a man because EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS. there's no telling those from these, right? no telling what's serious and who's a pussy. i don't need help, i just need to deal with it. fuck, i don't even know what's wrong with me. fine, i don't know shit. fuck it, i'm a girl, what do i know? and since i claim to be mentally ill, maybe that's why i'm such a dumbass. i mean really, what's the difference between mental illness and stupidity? obviously everyone in the goddamn universe thinks they're interchangeable.
3-29-03 5:26pm
so, i still want to kill my mother. i don't like being oppressed. i don't like living with hitler. and i don't like riding my bicycle into town.
my new therapist's name is frank, but he's not a big scary bunny rabbit and he hasn't tried to talk to me about the tangent universe. i'm at the library right now because my mom put a password on the computer because she's hitler and she needs to die. i hate having my freedoms taken away. louis has decided we're moving to hawaii instead of california, which is fine with me. i'd look decent in a hula skirt, wouldn't i? maybe the mystics there will give me some kind of weird spiritual drug. cool. but, i guess i've spent long enough in this motherfucking computer lab surrounded by preppy bitches, so i'm going to go look for my louis now. *sigh*
3-23-03 9:01pm
i hate my mother.
i need to get away.
3-21-03 12:45pm
went to CMH today and got an appointment with a therapist. rode my bike home from CMH in the rain. blah. i'm getting incredibly tired of hot dogs.
3-20-03 1:04pm
louis and i have decided that george w. bush, saddam hussein, and bin laden all need to be PHUUFed.
2:42pm
i just added some new pictures. but i'm not going to tell you which sections, so you're just going to have to search, motherfuckers.
gratification in my mattification
3-17-03 3:59pm
traci gave me my dreadlocks the other night. i love you traci!
3-14-03 1:20pm
EAT ME MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so i just went to my evil psychiatrist and he said he refuses to see me anymore and sent me to CMH (community mental health). i went to CMH and told the evil intake person everything she needed to know, i have an appointment with someone evil next week. yay. fucking yay. i love how the system is treating me.
mood... yay! evil yay! evil evil yay kill people yaaay! eat me! motherfuckers, eat my fucking dust! ha! ha ha! ha ha ha! ha ha ha ha! ha ha ha ha ha! motherfuckers!!!!!!!!!!! HA!
3-10-03 11:21pm
today i made quiche just to see if i could and it actually worked out okay. traci showed up just as i started cooking, and whitney came with her friend chris while it was baking. silly unitarians, always showing up at my house randomly. i love them.
3-8-03 11:42am
icky monkey sick. buckets of snot and voice like tom waits.
6:19pm
i feel like everything is bad. i feel like everyone is against me. i seem to be left for dead. i'm finding it hard to open up to people because they always make me hurt. i hurt.
3-6-03 3:35pm
BigOrangePerson: monkey want stabbity death
Palina27: monkey want stabbity death as well.
3-5-03 3:58pm
last night, louis and i went to the clock and drank too much coffee. went to meijers, ate espresso beans. wrote some dumb fucked up shit and eventually went to bed.
3-4-03 11:57am
i am a wake.
i do not want to be a wake.
i want to be a sleep.
instead i am a wake.
and i am a doofus.
2:40pm
i am so not here. i need sleep. sleeeeeep.
3:22pm
owie owie neck cramps, i've been sitting at the computer for too long. and i'm hungry. and i'm tired. and i'm a doofus.
3-3-03 10:42pm
so i had a couple homicidal days. i think i'm okay now. i'm a little grandiose, but i'm GOD, so fuck you. i think i may have chiseled a tiny crack into my mind block. i want to be creative! i have to do something fabulous! and get this fucking jesus song out of my head! wow. manic? god. GOD!
your own
personal
jesus
3-2-03 3:52pm
i had a bad day yesterday. my brothers are here.
10:56pm
I AM GOD! YOU MAGGOTS WILL SUFFER MY WRATH!
3-1-03 5:00pm
want to kill, eat human flesh. brain hurt others. owie owie. monkey want knowledge and sanity. monkey want be evil cyborg jungle warrior. monkey want kill all the yucky people. monkey want world stop be yucky. monkey want make sense. i hate i hate i hate i want to kill. want to bash the brains in. all the people that won't listen. brain make sense. brain eat life. life taste bad. brain go yucky vomit everywhere. help me.
2-27-03 1:22pm
sitting in the other room and listening to holly and megan yell at queer as folk can lead to some confusion...
Palina27: i just heard my best friend's voice from the other room..."you know what i'd do to get him down, i'd take his legs and go like this."
Palina27: "no! push him backwards!"
Palina27: "alright, now get down."
Palina27: "this is not the appropriate place for that kind of hug. get off the ledge, oh my god!"
Palina27: "shoo, evil lesbian bitch."
Palina27: "now you're going all hormonal. come back later."
Palina27: "i hate children."
Palina27: "thank you for the sperm, now fuck off."
Palina27: "and the drugs kick in!"
Palina27: "come on. slip it on my dick."
Palina27: "yeah, you don't have a big cock up your asshole!"
Palina27: "that looks uncomfortable."
Palina27: "put your legs down."
Palina27: "stop it!"
the whole conversation
2-25-03 5:14pm
holly says i'm not going to go to california and live in a treehouse. damn it.
5:27
hooray for overindulgence! excessive sensory input!
2-24-03 6:08pm
sin sin sin sin sin. i love it. i was just watching christian tv...very disturbing. i was watching this one girl's face in particular...she looked...distressed. she looked like she was trying so hard to be in touch with god, she wanted to *feel* something...and it was so not working. there are so many things i could do to that girl to make her really feel. and the church would not approve of any of it. i'm being controlled by satan, they'd say. sin. i love sin.
2-22-03 6:29pm
yeah, the concert last night was awesome. seether, noise therapy and ra kicked ass. the only drawback was that we had to stand in a room full of cigarette smoke and drunken idiots. but, afterwards we went to the clock and had coffee, so, it was good. very good. good music. i think my medication is working.
2-21-03 5:19pm
rar. hee hee hee. um...i just emptied some of my favorite places and plopped them on my links page. i'm going to a concert with louis tonight at the nightclub my brother bartends at. the only nightclub in traverse city. yay?
i need to eat something healthy now so i don't pass out from malnutrition in the middle of a mosh pit or something while i'm being trampled to death and burned alive.
2-20-03 9:30pm
the bees will find their honey
the sweetest every time
around a red rose
i see a red rose
a red rose
blooming on another man's vine
(tom waits)(yay)
2-19-03 5:27pm
too much time alone with nothing to do but go on the internet and play nintendo has led me to sing "i am going to kill myself" over and over again to the tune of the mario game i was playing. i should be cleaning the kitchen but i feel like shit and hate my very existence. i guess i should do it anyway.
i am going to kill myself
i am going to kill myself
i am going to kill
going to kill
going to kill myself.
2-18-03 6:14pm
for some reason today i've been having trouble speaking. more and more lately i feel like i can't express myself vocally. i don't know why.
2-15-03 10:11pm
i'm on 40 mgs of prozac and 75 mgs of seroquel. recently i've been trying to yank thoughts from my head because of my lack of artistic inspiration, which has resulted in this new addition to my notebook.
2-11-03 11:09pm
louis and i were in meijers looking at condoms and discussing the flavors. a guy with a shopping cart walked behind us and suggested spermicidal lubricant.
2-10-03 10:49pm
lack of medication makes me want to kill people.
we got back from downstate and we're still alive. woo hoo.
2-8-03 12:59am
i'm at louis's mom's house again, this time in arianna's room. lucky girl has her own computer. we just did some really stupid shit on the internet for way too fucking long. and i'm overheated. and i wanna wrestle with louis but i'm in a house with breakable stuff so that's not a good idea. i haven't had a good fight in a long time. i wonder how many computers i've updated my journal from. weird.
2-7-03 12:08am
i'm at louis's mom's house now. since i updated from his dad's house i figured i'd update from here too, it's only fair. don't have anything to say, though. huh.
2-6-03 4:02pm
so, i'm sitting at louis's dad's computer right now and listening to louis in the basement playing the drums and singing ministry. it is so fucking cute! we have to go get some film developed soon while we're down here. hopefully they will be good pictures.
i had a dream last night that i was in a teddy bear suit swimming across the floor in target.
2-5-03 12:12pm
my psychiatrist suggested that i go to a partial hospitilization program at munson, but i don't fucking think so. $300 a day...right...anyway, i talked to my father and got him to agree to getting me therapy (five sessions, then he has to see if i've made any progress). i completely lost my mind last night just from talking to my parents. i cut myself. today louis and i should be going downstate for a few days to see his parents, get his car fixed and get more of his stuff. *beats on desk* we need a drum set. badly.
1-30-03 3:44pm
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeefuck. insaney insaney insaney. left aloney. brain eating itself. ook.
1-28-03 8:54pm
self control.
1-27-03 9:10pm
ugh. ick. everything bad. louis and i went downtown today and putzed around. got some pictures developed and added them to my web site. um. insulting someone over the internet now. hungry. urg.
1-26-03 9:14pm
ugh. ick. everything bad. i just read holly's journal entry and i can almost feel her hatred coursing through me. she's a much more angry person than i am, i have that sick, sad emotion that she hates so much.
i'm sewing lately. i've been ripping open the seams in two pairs of pants all day. i've been wanting to rip open a seam in my wrist all day. i can feel a patch of skin just under my bracelets, tingling, warm, begging to be cut. and i have razor blades all over the fucking house, shining at me. and a phrase repeating in my head, "suicide is painless," and it makes no sense to me, and i don't even know how it got there, and i just look down at something louis drew on my pants of a stick figure blowing his brains out, leaving a happy face splattered on the wall. and i want to cut. i want to open myself up and let my blood shine.
i need a drink.
1-22-03 2:10pm
i hate the t.v.
i hate the president.
1-19-03
copied from my diary
No job yet. Drinking too much. Not eating much. Not enough money. I fucking hate everything.
I got to see Holly today and Megan yesterday, Holly's roommate Jenna and friend Severine. Jenna has an eye patch and looks like a pirate. Sev looks kind of like Krista, only with purple tinted black hair and really cute gothic clothing. They're cool people. I realized how much worse off I am after spending time with them. They probably have no idea what my life is like. I wish my medication would help me more. And I wish I could see Holly all the time like I used to. I'm tired of living in this shit hole of a mind.
And I stepped in line to walk amongst the dead.
1-15-03 2:52pm
i had another dream about cloves last night. i think my brain is trying to kill me. holly's depressed and i can't help her. i'm not very in-touch with reality and that bothers me. my brain is not in the right place. i'm in a hateful, self destructive mood and i don't know how i got here and i don't know how to get out.
1-14-03
happy birthday to me
1-13-03 3:08pm
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW! i can't wait! i don't know what to do with myself! aaah!
1-9-03
Palina27: louis and i almost got slaughtered by a serial killer last night but we got away.
ayahuascadreams: uhhhh.
Palina27: we heard a machine turning and people moaning and screaming.
ayahuascadreams: uhhhh.
Palina27: it was scary.
Excerpt from my diary:
I don't know what to think today, my brain is a fucking wreck. I can't really tell what i'm thinking. If I don't know what I'm thinking, am I still thinking it? I'm confused.
1-8-03 11:24am
fucking fucking shit. that's what i have to say about everything right now.
i quit my job like a week ago because i couldn't seem to make it into work on time (3:00am) on a regular basis. so, i need to get another job. now. but, i don't know how i'm going to get a job when i'm off my medication. i can't get my prescriptions filled without money. not to mention getting a job generally means having acceptable clothing to wear while at work. and i have a buttload of bills to pay. now where the fuck can i get a job? what am i going to do?
1-2-2003 5:32pm
new years was pretty cool. i got to see my bestest friends, and holly loved the crow bar i gave her for christmas. and megan was quite fond of the meet the feebles shirt i gave her as well. god, my boobs hurt. gravity bad.
my bosses are pissed at me. i think i'm going to quit my job in like a month if i don't go insane and massacre everyone before then. need pills. need pills! grrrrr.
louis has to go to work soon. damn him.
2002
2001
my About Me page from high school
the power of christ compels you!
