Chapter Eight
I was in absolute tears when I finished reading the letter. I believed every word of it. It felt right, in the same place deep inside me where Gabe's story had felt wrong. I wanted to run to Manhattan and hug her, tell her it was okay.
How could I have trusted him? How could I have believed any of what he said? What the hell is wrong with me? I must have serious mental issues-
I have to stop this. I can't keep killing myself over this. What will it do? Damage is done, there aren't any options left. I fixed that for myself.
But I can't stop, besides what can I even do? Nothing, except-
"Janie?" I called out loudly, hoping she was somewhere upstairs.
"Yeah?"
"Did Carrie give you her phone number?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I need to ask her if she remembers something."
Janie came into Thomas Jr.'s room where I was. "So you and Carrie made up?"
"Uh..." I searched my jumbled head for a minute, sure, that story worked. "Uh, yeah, we made up."
"Okay, I guess, It's (212) 555-0113."
"Thank you," I said scribbling it on the back of an envelope.
All I had to do now was dial the phone, and ask for her.
It's ringing.
"Hello?" It was an older voice. A woman. It must be Mrs. Reynolds.
"Can I speak to Gracie Darcy?"
"May I ask who this is?"
"A friend from school."
"All right." She seemed wary. It was so painful to hear the poor woman still so concerned. Gabe had shattered that whole family's sense of-
"Hello?"
"Gracie?"
"Who is this?"
"Lizzie."
"Oh! I didn't think I'd hear from you so soon. Let me go somewhere a little more private than the kitchen counter."
It took a minute, and I think she dropped the phone once, but then I guess she was in her bed room. I heard the door slam and the bed squeak.
"Liz?"
"You can call me Lizzie."
She paused, "Are you sure?"
"Definitely."
"Did Will leave you his number?"
"God no. My sister had Carrie Bingley's number, and I remember her saying something about the four of you sharing an apartment with your nanny."
"Yeah, we do. Janie is friends with Carrie?"
"Well, kind of, she's dating Ben, and well, Janie is diplomatic, so yadda yadda."
"I see."
"It's weird because it's like you know me; and now I guess I know a little about you. That's why I called, Gracie I'm so sorry-"
"Why? What did you do? Gabe Walker is an asshole, and the worst kind."
"The worst kind?"
"Lizzie, Gabe is sex on a stick, and he knows it. He barely has to try to get what he wants."
"Yeah, well...So you really are past all of this now. Why didn't Will press charges? Gabe was eighteen right?"
"For a lot of reasons, but mainly two. He didn't want to drag me through the proceedings, and also because he didn't want the negative attention brought to the family. There was some kind of huge business deal going down, or whatever; it's okay. I don't blame him or anything. I think I'm grateful. I got to work through it on my own, without lawyers, press, and judges."
"Is that what Will is going into?"
"Yep. When he graduates college, he's taking over Darcy Corporations International."
"It just seems so...so..."
"Wrong?"
"Exactly, it's such a waste of a mind like his, Will is too...to go into business. He's so-"
I was running away with myself. But I couldn't help it. Will? Business? No, it wasn't right, he was so much more, so much more passionate, so much more beautiful-
"Do you love him Lizzie?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I was just asking."
"What difference would it make?"
"I guess none."
"Did he tell you what a complete idiot I am?"
"Well, he did, but Will's stories tend to be a little on the biased side. How bout you tell me yours."
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
I rolled over and ran into a warm body. I opened my eyes and saw wavy blonde hair splayed across a perfectly freckled back. I hadn't remembered going to bed with her. I took in her soft hourglass figure. I traced my finger down her spine and a small indescribable sound escaped her. She turned around and smiled at me.
"Lizzie-"
Then all of the sudden I felt something licking my face.
I opened my eyes again, and saw-
"Barley, quit licking me and get off my bed!" The huge dog whined in protest, but I pushed him off the bed anyway. I looked at the clock, it was a little after midnight. I had fallen asleep reading Frankenstein. Then I heard something coming from Gracie's room. She should be in bed. It's her first day at Nodlon tomorrow.
So I went to check on her. I listened through the door a little,
"No bra? Please tell me you were wearing something else!" Then she giggled loudly, I opened the door and walked in.
"I have to go, I'll call you."
And she hung up. This was the second time in one day.
"Hey Wully Bully."
"Who was that?"
"A friend from school...uh...her name is...uh...Meghan...yeah."
"Oh." She was lying, it was obvious. I couldn't let it happen again, it was my fault the first time. I couldn't let her slip away. Its only been what, a day? Two? "What's going on Gracie?"
"ŇWhat are you talking about?"
"I'm not stupid."
"Then you're a good actor."
"This is the second time today I've caught you-"
"Caught me? Doing what exactly? Maybe I was better off at Kingston's for the emotionally retarded."
"Maybe. Maybe you aren't ready. You're being secretive, talking-"
"I'd like you to leave."
Her arms were folded adamantly across her chest. There was no hope for me. I opened my mouth to try to speak-
"Out!" She commanded me. Sixteen year old Grace commanded me out of the room. So I left.
What was happening? I couldn't lose her again.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
School seemed odd to me. Instead of Char, I had Ben in my classes. Instead of lunch with the girls, I had lunch with Janieben or Benjanie; whatever freakish form they were in on said day.
So, I turned to writing, books, and oddly enough, Gracie.
We had created quite a friendship. She was much more mature that her 16 years implied. I tired not to think about why. I mean, Leah was 16, and I'd rather conduct a make-out session with Josh Collins than have an entire conversation with her. Gracie was great, and we had a lot in common, other than loving Will.
Will had become suspicious of her mysterious phone calls, and instant messaging sessions. So we made up code names, and tried our best to use them.
Me-Mabel
Will-Arthur
Gracie- Gertrude
They were three characters from our favorite Oscar Wilde play, An Ideal Husband. Mabel loved Arthur, but was often misinformed and said the wrong thing; but that didn't mean that Arthur was always a knight in shining armor. Gertrude, was Arthur's oldest friend. It all seemed appropriate.
We had grown really close over the course of a month. since she was too shy to make friends at school, and I had no idea where all of mine had gone.
My life was running pretty well anyway.
Oh yeah, except that I was in love with someone who hated me.
Yeah, except that. No matter how hard I tried, everything I wrote became about him. My poems were about him; all the male characters in my fiction ended up looking like Will; any stream of consciousness writing ended up in one place, Will Darcy. It was not productive.
But my essay for AP US History won the prize.
"Miss Bennett?"
"Yes?" Ugh. Mrs. Langston had the 'death doesn't scare me' look on her face.
"I wanted to ask you about your paper."
"What about it?"
"Have you read it?"
"Uh-"
"Well, let me read you a section, 'Of course, many reasons could be given for his success -- his beautiful brown eyes, almost black; his thick curly dark hair; and his warm, spine tingling voice easily ignited his fiery popularity with the masses.'"
Oh god, had I really written that?
"Miss Bennett, do you happen to be in love with Adolph Hitler, or is there another reason you chose to include this highly informative section in you essay on the rise and fall of the third reich?"
"Is it possible to redo the paper? I have been really distracted as of late."
"You are normally such a good student, and I have to admit, this god-awful paper was a surprise coming from you, so...I'll let you redo it, due on friday. Just this once, and don't include anything else about how Himmler was, let me quote you correctly, 'really, really, sorry, and just wanted to apologize.'"
On the way home, I remembered. I had written that paper at three o'clock in the morning while on the phone with Gracie. I never even double checked it, or read it for that matter; the paper was due at seven. I was lucky to get it printed out, still shower and get to school on time.
I got home and laid down on my bed. She is gonna die when I tell her about this. Then, the phone rang. Yippity skippity!
"'Lo?"
"Mabel?"
"Gertrude?"
We laughed.
"God Gracie, you are never gonna believe what happened at school today. You remember that nazi essay I did with you at three in the morning last week?"
"What about it?"
"The teacher pulled me aside toady and read me a passage, needless to say, Will had wandered into that essay too. The teacher wanted to know if I was in love with Hitler."
"You didn't!"
"I did." When she finally stopped laughing at me, I started talking again. "So, did you find out when auditions are?"
"Liiiiiiiiiiiiizzzieeeeeeeeee!" God that girl could whine.
"Its Mabel."
"Sorry, its just, I'm still not sure. You know I've never actually been on stage."
"So?"
"Well..."
"We've talked about this before. You'll make it, and I know what theatre is like. It'll be an instant family, you need that."
"I want you to come help me with my song."
"You know I can't come see you, and Will would never let you hop a train to come see me."
"Couldn't we work something out? It's not fair that just because you and Will aren't on speaking terms that I can't see you. It's not like it's my fault."
Ouch.
"Thanks for reminding me. I think I have to go-"
"Don't! I'm sorry."
"No-"
"Please, just wait, it's just hard don't you see? I don't have any friends here. I just really want to see you."
"I don't see how it would work? Where would we meet?"
"The library, or at school."
"Nodlon? I guess, is it open on the weekends?"
"I could ask the choir director. He likes me, he'd let me in."
I waited a moment. I was very aware of the reason that all of this planning was required. Will detested me. I don't blame him. I still can't believe how incredibly wrong I was. I'm never wrong, and if I am I certainly don't admit it.
"Mabel?"
"Yeah...e-mail me with the particulars, kay? I think I'm gonna go."
"I said I was sorry."
"Its not you who needs to apologize. Talk to you later."
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Will?"
Damn it. I was really enjoying her silent treatment. We were in the car on the way to school when Carrie spoke to me for the first time in a month.
"Carrie?"
"Auditions for the school musical are next week. We're doing Romance/Romance. I was wondering if-"
"What?"
She looked out the window, "Nothing."
When we got to school, Gracie hopped out of the caddy like it was on fire. She had been antsy the whole time, I had assumed she had to go to the bathroom or something. I needed to talk to her, but she was off in some direction, running away from me faster than I could think.
I have to find her later.
My friday went quicker than usual, and I got out of my last period class early to meet my sister outside of choir.
"Thanks Mr. Greer. So tomorrow at three in the afternoon is okay?"
"I trust you, and I am not supposed to do this, but here is my key. Promise me you won't burn down the arts wing? The school will be open for weekend stuff, so no alarms will go off, you just need this for the choir room door."
"Really? Thanks! You don't know how much this means to me."
"Well, I'd love to see you finally opening yourself up to someone or something. You'll be much happier, and if this is what it takes..."
What was going on? And why was Gracie, for all intents and purposes breaking into school at three on saturday? I can't confront her, she'll deny everything. Maybe I can follow her.
Saturday morning seemed way too slow. By the time Gracie said she was going for a walk around 2:30, I was ready for action. I gave her a thirty minute head start, and left for school at three.
But what if I was too late? Her secret phone calls were happening more often, and all of that time she spent online. I was so scared that she had been moved too soon. Maybe she should have stayed at Kingston's. I mean, Dr. Cass seemed to think she was doing great, so maybe I was doing everything wrong.
Oh God.
I'd never forgive myself if anything ever happened to her, again.
I got to school and went inside, walked down to the fine arts wing and towards the choir room. I stopped when I heard the two voices clearly.
"You look exactly like I pictured."
"How?"
"Will's descriptions were no where near vague, let's see: she has perfect little freckles, and her hair-"
"Shut up!"
Liz? What the hell was she doing talking to Gracie, and meeting with her secretly at Nodlon?
"Let's get going, its not like we need to introduce ourselves, Gertrude."
"Let me turn on the stereo, Mabel."
Where have I heard those names?
"Oh I can't wait!"
"Lizzie, you're gonna be disappointed, I really blow."
"Sing! Now!"
"Fine." then a tape of a piano, badly recorded, started to play. then, to my utter shock, Gracie began to sing.
"The summer I had planned was to be, relaxing to the n-th degree;
Lounging in a hammock, catching up on my reading, sipping on a glass of cold chablis,
No minor traumas, no major headaches, all my weekends free!
So will someone please explain, why I'm under such a strain?
God, will you look at me?
All keyed up, can't unwind, night and day you're on my mind!
How did I end up here?
Can't sit still, can't think straight, can't recall which meals I ate,
Damn you! Am I losing weight?
How did I end up here?
My legs are all a jangle, emotions in a tangle,
IŐm underneath a cloud and over wrought!
Do you know how it feels to be head over heels?
Having you in my every thought!
I was fine, doing swell, everything was going well-
Now its all been shot to hell!
Can't someone volunteer?
How did I end up--
Feeling like this, on the edge of an abyss,
Out of sorts and in a stew!
Why is it I'm-
spending my time-
Teasing, taunting, testing you?
Falling fast, can't hold out, filled with hope and plagued with doubt,
Hardly know what I'm about!
I've got it real severe, I tremble when you're near.
I am in love, that's clear!
But somehow I got left here stranded, wanting you and empty handed!
How did I end up here?"
I never knew she was so...awesome...I can't even think of the word for how good she is, awesome will have to cut it for now. She totally kicked that song's ass. Then I heard tears. Liz hadn't clapped, she had started crying.
"Oh my God! Was it that bad?"
"No-I-It's the song Gracie. That song. You were perfect, or else I wouldn't be crying."
Gracie didn't say anything. I had barely understood a word of what Liz had said through her sobs. I peeked around the corner to see the two of them hugging.
"It's gonna be okay. I just know it can't end like this. I wish youŐd come talk to him."
"Your brother never wants to see me again. I certainly don't plan on forcing him to talk to me."
"But its not fair. You didn't know about Gabe, and now you do, it's just not fair."
"Well, most things aren't. You can't feel sorry for me. I fucked up my own life. I pushed him away, all the while knowing I wanted him." She smiled, and wiped the tears off of her cheeks, "Will's gone, and I need to move on."
I couldn't be there anymore. I ran out of there and just started walking. New York was a big place, and I needed room to think. Room to breathe.
I didn't know what to do back there.
What was she saying?
Why had Gracie told her about Gabe?
Had Liz asked her? Pursued her?
How did they even know each other?
At least now I knew that it was Liz that Gracie had been talking to. At least it wasn't anyone dangerous. I guess I had overreacted in that respect. I can't believe I had mistrusted my sister like that.
But Liz-
Why did she cry?
Why were they talking about me?
Damn it.
I've never felt more clueless in my life. Clueless, what a crappy word.
What did it all mean?
But Lizzie-
I didn't want to see her again.
I didn't need anymore ammunition for my dreams. their attack was brutal enough already, waking up and not finding her hair in my face.
It wasn't fair.
Her voice echoed.
"Well, most things aren't."
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Chapter Nine
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
"No!"
For some reason, Gracie did not understand that me and Will as a possibility is history. She's worse than me. Well, not worse, I don't think she cries at night.
"It's not like I have a choice in the matter."
"But you do!" She paused, "When can you come into the city next?"
"Graaaaaaaacieeeeee-" I could whine too.
"When?"
I finished wiping away the tears, wiping my nose on my sleeve, and I looked back at her. Didn't she realize how scared I was? What if I did go to Will, and I talked to him, and he told me to drop dead? I don't think that I could stand it. She asked again.
"Well...I have this friend, Char, over break, she decided to drop out of school, and run of to New York with this guy she was in love with. He wanted to follow his dream of becoming a rock star. Enough back story, someone sold their soul to the devil, because he got signed within a month. So, Char wants me to come up the weekend before Valentine's Day for some, uh, dinner for new talent that his label is having."
Before I could finish, she jumped at me, "Why didn't you tell me?" Her eyes just lit up.
"Why would I?"
"There is only one New York based record label that holds a new talent dinner in February, KDBR! Is that the name of his label?"
"Sounds right." She was getting scary.
"THAT'S MY AUNT! Kate DeBourgh records! She's a super bitch, so she makes me and Will go every year, oh my God, this is perfect!"
"Then I obviously can't go."
"No, this is great, you can see Will."
"How exactly does your plan work Gracie, drugs, violence?"
"Liz...I can..." Then her eyes popped out of her head, "I can set up the place cards!"
"Please don't. No, no, no, no!"
"Tell you what, you let me fix the place cards, I'll try out for Romance/Romance."
"You are really evil."
"Let me?"
"In two weeks, I may be over this."
"Mabel, please-"
"I may be...you don't know...I might..."
"Maybe you will, but then, who cares where you sit?"
Somebody help.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
"So how are things?"
"Totally great!"
Wow, I guess I had missed Ben, I don't know anyone else who says totally great. He's priceless.
"That good huh?"
"It's really amazing, how much I love her. It seems stupid and impossible, you know? It's only been a month and three weeks since I first met her, but it's all so, totally great."
He was never a man of many words.
"Well, I'm happy for you. Who would have thought that you would move to New Jersey, and fall in love."
"It's so crazy."
"Hmmm..."
"Liz came by, did I tell you that?"
"Recently?"
"No, the day after you left. She just stood there when I told her you were gone. She just stood at the door, real quiet, for like a whole minute. I offered her your number, but she just left."
"You didn't give her my number? Then she must have gotten it on her own..."
"She called you?"
"No...it's complicated...it's nothing."
"Okay." We said nothing for a while, and then, "So how's Nodlon doin?"
I sighed, "Totally great."
It had been a week since I'd followed Gracie to school that Saturday. All I'd been able to do was think about Lizzie.
I think she said what I think she said, I think.
And Lady Grace keeps grinning at me. I want to tell her I know, I want to ask, so badly. But she can't know I followed her, that I didn't trust her. She wouldn't understand why I was worried.
But I did need to talk to her, right now it seemed like we were closer when we didn't see each other. Since she got home, we had been distant. That probably had something to do with Lizzie. I mean, I'm the enemy right?
But now, with all of Gracie's grins, maybe she did say what I think she said.
She wanted me.
After all my repressing, and bottling up, could she really want me? And she wanted to apologize? Jersey had seems like an endless string of my screw ups. Now she says she messed up, and she wants to apologize. She wanted to say sorry, and,
She wanted me.
But what can I do? There's no way to approach her without admitting what I did.
I had to do something though, so I got those damn Urinetown tickets and took Gracie out to dinner at Sardi's. After a lively discussion on the show, (yeah, I meant Gracie talked for about an hour) we got to the good stuff.
"Do you remember what we have to do next weekend?" I did a quick search and came up blank, shaking my head.
"Will, you are so irresponsible, I do say that you need to curb this artistic streak before it gets out of hand!" Grace was mocking our favorite aunt.
"Oh, God, Aunt Kate's dinner, yeah, I forgot."
"Yeppers."
"Why is it important that I remember that?"
"Well, we have to go is one good reason."
"The only good part of that entire thing is Jack."
Jack DeBourgh was Kate's adopted son. He was one year older than Gracie, and had always had a huge crush on her.
"Very funny."
Gracie didn't share his sentiments. I had a feeling though, that this time she would. She hadn't seen Jack for over a year, and he looked very different.
"Thank you, but I'd be look out for Jack-o if I were you."
"Back to the subject, I think that Aunt Kate's dinner will be very productive this year." Then she just looked at me, her eyes were glittering, she was gonna burst, oh did I want to pop her little bubble.
"You know who I was just thinking about, Lizzie Bennett, strange?"
She spit out her water, really spit it, I think it hit the guy behind me. My plan was working.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
I had found it very suspicious that Josh had gotten signed so quickly. Until, that is, I went to stay with him and Char.
He hadn't exactly been discovered, he had auditioned, and made it in --
a boy band.
He was "the shy one" in The BeatBoyz. Yes, "Boyz" with a z. Gross huh? It took every ounce of will power I had not to laugh at his outfits, and the one rehearsal I saw, well, I was nearly in tears.
Nevertheless, the dinner was tonight, and I was all nerves.
Breathe Lizzie.
I repositioned my one stray lock of hair and did a last minute inspection. It had taken a week of shopping to find THE OUTFIT; and I don't shop. But I had this time, and with a vengeance. I wanted to be sexy, but not slutty; classic, but contemporary; elegant, but young. Oh God...what if he hated it?
I really needed to calm. I went to the kitchen, and we left soon after. Josh made sure to lecture us in the cab.
"All right, I don't know who'll be here tonight, but I don't want you two embarrassing me in front of any celebrities. Char, I trust you, of course, but...well, keep an eye on Liz...okay?"
I was gonna start giggling, but I let him ramble on. We were at Kate DeBourgh's apartment soon enough. Let me correct myself, we were at Kate DeBourgh's Park Avenue penthouse apartment soon enough. Josh and Char rushed to the door, it was February after all. I just stood there for a minute. I wasn't afraid to go in. I'm a big girl. I can do this.
"Hurry up Liz," Josh was really starting to push it, "Fashionably late is exactly 15 minutes into cocktails, according to Kate."
"Oh you're on a first name basis?" I scowled as I sped past him into the lobby. We were on the security guard's list, so we went to the elevator, and to the penthouse. I pulled out a mirror and started checking again.
"I've never seen you so concerned with your appearance, it's so adorable Liz, but nobody famous will be looking at you tonight."
I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from biting his head off.
"Thank you Josh. I feel soooo much better now." I didn't even want to be bothered to the extent of making fun of him.
"Josh baby...leave Lizzie alone."
Ding.
The doors opened directly to the foyer. Josh and Char ran out of the elevator, I lingered for a moment.
As the space cleared I saw him, talking to a blonde guy.
This isn't fair, I wasn't supposed to see him yet. I haven't gotten a chance to breathe.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Can I take your coat?"
It was all I could think to say. Jack left and there we were.
Me and Lizzie.
She blinked, slid off her coat, and handed it to me.
Oh
My
God.
I'm not a shallow guy.
I have appreciated this girl for her mind, many a time --
So I can drool all over her now right?
I hope so, because I already am.
Should I start at the top? I think I will, girl shoes confuse me anyway - too many straps.
Her hair was all wavy, and somehow it looked like she had just rolled out of bed.
Her skin was glowing; I still don't know how they do that. The way her skin just shimmers in the light, its really...
She was wearing kind of a corset thing, it hooked up the front, with boning and everything. It was this black fabric that just slid over her perfectly, and it looked like you could see right through it. But, you couldn't, I mean, she wasn't just standing there naked right? When the corset got to her...uh...chestal area...it stopped, and her...chestal area...was contained in a loose looking part of the same naked fabric. It obviously wasn't loose, because every time she took a breath, her...chestal -
Well, every time she took a breath, I thought about calculus.
The sleeves were full length, and they were gathered every inch or so I think, kind of puffy. They really were see through.
That shirt was cruel.
Her skirt was dark denim, and it flipped up just past her knees, and her shoes, well, I told you girl shoes confuse me.
I think I'm staring.
She wouldn't meet my eyes, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to meet hers.
Did she know I was gonna be here tonight? She must've, Gracie must have stumbled onto it in one of their conversations. I'm sure they had. especially the way Gracie had responded that night at Sardi's. I was sure she knew...
So had she planned that outfit?
If she planned that outfit, then she definitely said what I think she said.
"Will?"
"Yes?"
"Can I talk to you?"
"Of course Lizzie." When I said her name, she smiled, her mouth, bowing into happiness.
Did I do that?
I lead her to an unpopulated hallway near the study. When she saw the empty study, she went it, so I followed. "Can we shut the door?" I shut it for her, and then gave her my rapt attention.
"Wow, this is just as scary as I thought it would be...so...Will...I, uh, need to apologize." She spit the "a" word out like profanity. "First, for accusing you of something that you did not do; something of which you are absolutely innocent. I think you know what I'm talking about. Gabe told me a story, a lie, and I believed it. Partly because, I liked Gabe and partly because I needed a reason to not like you."
Did she say what I think she just said? She needed a reason to not like me?
"I have a bad track record, romantically; and all I needed was to fall in love with another rich boy who'd break my heart. So I took Gabe at his word, and I tried to hate you. This proved much harder than I planned. Partly your fault, partly just because. Which brings me to number two, I'm sorry I ran away that day in the bookstore. I really am, believe me."
Doesn't that mean she's sorry she didn't kiss me? Could she really be saying all this?
"Lastly, I'm sorry about new Year's. I have never, in my whole life felt so ashamed, and disgusted as I felt that night and the next morning. When I drink, I get a little...well...frisky, for lack of a better word. Gabe seemed like the easiest option, no strings attached; I was only physically attracted to him, so-"
There was one thing I had to know,
"Did you do what he said you did?"
"You mean-"
"Did you say my name?"
"I'm not supposed to tell you this part."
"I'm sorry, I just wanted..."
"Yes."
I started twiddling my thumbs. What does that mean? All I knew was that I was confused as hell. "Why?"
I watched her squeeze her eyes shut, and tighten her fists, she almost looked like she was getting ready for a tetanus shot.
"I wanted it to be you, so I closed my eyes and pretended."
Well, fuck me.
"Say something Will, please say something."
I paused and looked at her, thinking.
"This was hard for you, wasn't it?"
"You can't even begin to imagine."
"How did you find out about Gabe?"
"'Scuse me?"
"Well, if you know I didn't do whatever he said I did, then you must know what he did."
"Oh, that, well, I have a confession."
"You've been secretly talking, e-mailing, and meeting with my sister?"
"Did Gracie tell you?"
"Now I have a confession. I followed her to Nodlon that Saturday two weeks ago. But you can't blame me, she had been so secretive for the month she got home. I was scared something was happening again."
"She contacted me, e-mail, and then we just started talking. I didn't stalk her or anything. I can't believe I didn't...we didn't even think about that, I'm sorry."
"S'okay, just don't tell her, I don't want her to know I mistrusted her like that. But you understand."
Now what? The air was clear.
"Her cast list goes up at school on Monday."
"I know, I'm quite possibly more excited than she is."
A clock caught my eye, it was time to be at the dinner table. Aunt Kate would probably beat me if I wasn't seated by 9:01.
"I think it's time for dinner."
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
What is he thinking?
Why won't he say anything to me?
I just bared my soul, and he's talking about his sister.
Wow, this room is really warm, and there is like, no air. I sped to the door, and I put my hand on the handle to open it. Will came up behind me and put his hand on the door, holding it shut. I could feel him breathing.
What is this?!
"Will-"
"Just give me a little time to think, okay Just a little time."
His hand slid from the door to mine and, then up my arm, slow and electric. I wasn't sure how I was still standing, my legs felt like chinese take out rice; good and solid, until you touch em.
Touch.
His hand ended up near my collar bone, and him touching my bare skin was way too much for me to handle without him even telling me if he hated me or not.
"O-O-Okay." I stammered, I opened the door and left the room.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Chapter Ten
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Must find Gracie...Must find Gracie...
She's probably worried.
I found the dining room and she was pointing to a seat right next to her. I scurried over and sat down.
“Where were you Lizzie?”
I was about to say where, when my eyes caught Will in the archway.
Then, a shrill voice ascended the room. “Will, how lovely of you to join us, at 9:03.”
“Sorry I’m late Aunt Kate.”
“Don’t give me excuses, just sit. I forgive you.” Will went to his seat, which was directly across from me, thanks to Gracie. “Let’s all raise our glasses and toast to another year of promising entertainers and lots of money!” She laughed obnoxiously at herself. This was gonna be a long night.
When the toast finished, my mouth went directly to Gracie’s ear. I told her every detail, and we had to whisper, because, well, Will was sitting directly across from me. It’s not like he didn’t know what we were saying, I don’t know why we bother.
“You told him everything?” She whispered out of the corner of her mouth.
“Mmm hmm.”
“And he said?”
“Nothing.” The second I spoke, she looked at Will.
“What?!”
“Gracie!!”
“Sorry Lizzie.”
Will looked at the two of us with a devious smirk on his face.
“I want to change the subject,” I declared.
Then he piped in, “Good plan, hey, Gracie, have you seen Jack?”
“No,” she crossed her arms, “And I am very happy about that, thank you.”
“Call me crazy, but you may want to take a look. You saw him Lizzie, he was the guy I was talking to when you came in.”
“The blonde? He’s hot, why don’t you want to see him?” I asked Gracie.
“Jack? Hot? You must be confused.”
“Remember, you haven’t seen him in over a year.”
She looked, so adorably stubborn.
“Fine, I’ll got to the stupid bathroom and look at him.”
She got up, I watched Will watch her and smile. His hair fell very gently in thick curls, and framed his face. I was looking at him so intently, that I didn’t notice him turning to look at me until he already had.
“So...”
“So...”
He had to make the next move, for better or worse, it was his turn. I was brave, I said my piece, I bared my soul...and he changed the subject.
I still can’t believe I told him about the Gabe thing, but policy is policy. All truth, all the time, even if it makes you cry. That’s a little gung-ho, I suppose, but everything I do is intense. I can’t just say I’m sorry, must bear soul; can’t simply not lie, must tell absolute truth.
Just then Char called down to me, “How’re you Liz?”
She was knee deep in acoustic folk group, and looked like she needed rescuing, I threw a rope.
“Good, you remember Will right?”
“How could I forget?” She laughed, I laughed (uncomfortably).
Then, Will threw me a rope, “So how is Manhattan treating you?”
He’s so polite.
“Good, I think I’ve found a great job in a gallery in Soho. I’ll be able to start doing the most important thing in an artists career, networking.”
They both laughed.
All this laughter.
Crazy.
Damn him.
The two of them continued as the salads came.
How long exactly is a little time?
Is that a year?
A month?
A week?
A day?
A minute?
I don’t know if I can handle the suspense.
What had he said...was anything important? My brain travels over his words and stops on something.
‘I followed her to Nodlon that Saturday two weeks ago.’
If he followed her, then he saw me, then I’m sure he stayed to hear her sing, which means he heard me crying, which means he heard everything I said.
He heard everything I said?
He heard everything I said!
I hadn’t been paying much attention to my surroundings, so I was quite surprised when I felt a foot slide next to mine.
I looked up and searched for possibilities: Will, someone’s girlfriend, or one of the other BeatBoyz. I knew whose foot it was, but just for kicks, I searched the other faces. In the end I landed on Will.
So he wanted to play footsie?
I’m more confused than ever.
Is it warm in here?
Just then Gracie arrived back in her seat.
“Why didn’t you tell me Will!”
“It’s funnier this way.”
“You knew the only reasons that I didn’t like Jack were that he was in love with me, and that he was funny looking, and now...he’s...well he’s not funny looking Will.”
I was severely out of the loop, and distracted by the foot that slowly inched it’s way out of it’s shoe. So I interrupted, “What’s the deal with this Jack character?”
Will answered, “Jack is Aunt Kate’s adopted son, and our adopted cousin. He’s been in love with Lady Grace, for a good three years now. Except, Gracie hasn’t seen him since she went off to school a year and a half ago. Jack’s grown into his features now.”
That was all? “I’ll say.”
“Should I be jealous?” He sort of growl-whisper-said
Oh god, I think my water just went down the wrong pipe. Luckily, Gracie saw that I was in shock, and continued the conversation. So was that a little time? 10 minutes?
“Lizzie, does this make me shallow?”
“No, he’s cute, and you can claim the young and foolish defense.”
“Works for me. You think I could ask him out?”
Will looked perplexed, “Where is my wallflower sister?”
She looked down for a minute, and then back up.
“I guess I am, what’s the term, painfully shy? But when you are both here, with me...I feel really strong...is that too dorky?”
Will’s eyes met mine and they just glowed at me.
I turned to Gracie, and gave her a big hug, whispering, “Hurry, go get him before one of the rent-a-dates does.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
And off she went. Little Gracie, asking out a boy. Well, I mean I knew she was way past dates as far as all of that went, but I don’t count Gabe as a real person.
I think Liz is ignoring my foot. That’s okay.
“Will dear-” Aunt Kate squawked, “You should be done applying to all of your colleges by now, correct?”
“Yes mam.”
“Well, where have you applied?”
“Uh, NYU, U Chicago, Reed, Manhattan College, Columbia, Oxford, DePaul, and Breadloaf at Middlebury.”
“Well, we can see that somebody wants to stay in the city for college!" She guffawed like a monkey, and then I saw the horrible light of recognition- "Wait.”
She did a double take, I braced myself, “Breadloaf, what the hell is that William?”
“It’s a very prestigious summer program at Middlebury College, for writers and-”
“For god’s sake William, do we need to start this again? What is your major?”
“I don’t know yet-”
“What is your major?”
If I said what she wanted, she would stop. Right, so just do it. The entire room was dead silent, I looked at Lizzie, she looked confused. I lowered my head.
“Business.”
“I don’t understand why you insist on all of this bullshit with coffeehouse poetry readings. Ugh!”
Then, the earth fell from the universe and shattered, “What is wrong with you?” Liz asked.
“Who are you?”
“Elizabeth Bennett. I’m-”
“Speaking out of turn.”
“Excuse me-”
“No you excuse me young lady. I am not sure who you are here with, but I am quite sure that you have no business in my family matters-”
“If it isn’t my business, is there a specific reason you chose to discuss it over dinner with 30 plus people?”
“I was merely holding a discussion with my nephew, about the misdirection of his life.”
“And I assume that you know the *proper* direction?”
“Of course I do, I know how my family should be run!”
“Don’t you think that Will should be doing what he feels? Wants? Shouldn’t he pursue his passions? Interests? Talents?”
“I’m quite sure I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“Just because you mass produce a bunch of crappy music groups that make money by selling waste-oid, yet really fun and catchy, garbage to stupid preteens does not mean that you know what every member of your family should be doing with their life. It’s Will’s life, and if he wants to pursue writing in college, he should. He isn’t stupid, he knows that he will be in charge of the company at a certain point, but he can make a decision about that when it comes. I am sure that he has already thought plenty about it. I know I have...”
She continued her rant and I just watched her. The little bolts of lightening flew out of her eyes and covered the room in her anger. Her hot boiling anger, coming up and over all sides of the pot. Where did all of this come from? Then something struck me about us, Liz and I...it was all so torrid, so involved. I realized, that if I let myself fall all the way into her, there wouldn’t be a way back. I would be drowning in her.
Aunt Kate snapped me back to reality.
“You brazenly impertinent little tart-”
“Aunt Kate, please, can we end this?”
I gestured around to the guests, and the frightened server holding plates looking as if he was about to cry. She regained what few senses she had and coughed, reclaiming her cool stony exterior. Liz did the same.
Holy Jesus what a night.
Those next twenty minutes were really scary, but after a while Gracie, Lizzie, and I fell into easy conversation. It was like we had all been best friends since we were five. I guess that was true for 2/3 of us anyway...
We talked to other people too, Char remained a very intriguing personality. The fact that she was with that Josh guy just confused me. I checked up on Jack every once in a while, he smiled the entire dinner. Amazing. But then again, love can do that to a person.
After dinner, people split up. Aunt Kate had some business to attend to as well. Her dinners were never just dinners. There were introductions to be made, and business cards to be exchanged. This left plenty of time for all of us non-show biz types to, well, sit around. Gracie and Jack found a corner and just, well, mainly they just checked each other out. They had both, uh, grown into things, if you catch my drift.
The only non-occupied people were Liz and I.
I guess I needed to talk to her. I had purposely confused her. It’s great to watch her mind reel sometimes. I had left her in a bad position before dinner. I was in control of everything. She had no idea what came next. Power trip is a little heady, I’ll admit, and I can’t say I’m not enjoying it.
But it was time to put an end to the suspense.
It was only fair.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
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