Please note that all standard disclaimers apply.
Star Tours Script
by Halagad
Email: HALAGAD@aol.com
(Certain liberties were taken in making this script fit into current Star Wars continuity as smoothly as possible, however, not one word of dialogue was purposely altered, and all events were described as accurately as possible. The words or phrases encased in brackets [ ] are those that could not be successfully transcribed and may therefore be incorrect.)
EXT. D'SNY -- TOMORROWLAND – STREET
A gigantic laser-painted mural of the new Starspeeder-class transport shuttle ornaments the outside of the main Star Tours Spacelanes building. Weary travelers of every species, just returned from various flights, can be seen carrying their luggage as they exit through the StarTrader, the gift shop of the Tomorrowland Spaceport. A snowspeeder and a skiff are on display outside the building, "souvenirs" of some of the planets that can be visited via Star Tours flight packages. Several speederbike scouts and a lumbering AT-AT walker patrol the area in search of rumored rebel saboteurs. Before entering the main structure, travelers must make their way through a small replica of the forests of Endor, a temporary promotion for the new "Endor Express" travel package.
INT. TOMORROWLAND SPACEPORT ENTRANCE
As passengers enter the main structure, they fall into place in one of two lines of travelers awaiting to board their flight. To the far right can be seen, working in a repair bay, a familiar pair of droids servicing one of the new Star Speeder 3000’s. To the immediate right, beside the entrance, is a giant display monitor comprised of several smaller screens that opaque in varying patterns. The entire screen darkens immediately before advertisements for the various Star Tours flight packages are projected onto it. Below this monitor, electronic messages constantly scroll across: "Star Tours introduces low, new fares," "Welcome to Star Tours Spaceport: Gateway to the Galaxy," "Star Tours introduces the Endor tour to end all tours!" "Star Tours: the brightest star in the galaxy," "Welcome to Star Tours Tomorrowland Spaceport," "All Star Tours speeders are energized for Lightspeed," "Star Tours introduces new action tour packages," "Star Tours introduces the Star Speeder 3000," and "Star Tours: Galactic sightseeing." Directly in front of the entrance is a traffic control tower where Mon Calamari controllers monitor in-coming and out-going flights. The Tomorrowland Spaceport is loud and full of conversation as the various beings gathered speak among their respective parties. Announcements of changing flights and boarding instructions continually blare over the comm in Basic, Bocci and a variety of other tongues, and the protocol and astromech droids See-Threepio (C-3P0) and Artoo-Detoo (R2-D2), paired to work on the transport, constantly bicker.
Threepio and Artoo were assigned by the Rebel Alliance to pose as maintenance droids in the Star Tours Tomorrowland Spaceport in hopes of making contact with the leader of a local resistance cell here on the mid-rim world of D'sny.
Male Announcer 1: Attention please, all droids leaving the system must be cleared by customs control. Proof of ownership is required for all droid passengers.
Threepio is monitoring the Star Speeder's functions at a nearby console when he hears the message and abruptly stops.
Threepio: "Proof of ownership?" We droids are made to suffer such indignities.
Artoo whistles his agreement.
A spaceport announcer of alien origin speaks over the comm in an incomprehensible tongue.
The little astromech droid Artoo has been busy working on the cruiser from within the astromech socket. He suddenly warbles something to his lanky robotic friend.
Threepio: What is it now, Artoo?
The small droids lets loose a quick series of electronic beeps.
Threepio: Don't get technical with me! What pressure?
Artoo beeps a short answer.
Threepio: The fuel pressure? Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? Let me check.
Another query is issued from the small droid. The gold protocol droid checks the readouts on his console.
Threepio: Yes, I am getting a rather high reading here. . . .
Artoo beeps excitedly as dangerous gases and fumes begin to escape from the transport's exhaust port.
Threepio: Oh! Yes, Artoo! I'm shutting off the main line right now!
Artoo whistles something to the bronze droid.
Threepio: Just you get back to fixing that motivator!
As Artoo whistle a retort, Threepio succeeds in cutting off the flow of gases.
Threepio: These new transports are impossible!
The astromech warbles a comment.
An advertisement depicting various chilling images and thick-coated creatures of a snow covered world appears on the large nearby monitor. An over-zealous voice accompanies it.
Male Announcer 2: Star Tours introduces the perfect get-away vacation, with exclusive tour packages to Hoth. Now you can ski the most incredible slopes in the galaxy, or if you prefer, explore beautiful and mysterious ice caverns and the famed Echo Base of the Rebellion forces. And while you're there, be sure to enjoy the exhilarating ride on a Tauntaun. It's all on Hoth, and it all begins soon, only from Star Tours. Watch for details.
Threepio: Well, you'll never get me to go back to that iceberg!
The small droid warbles a comment.
Threepio: I don't care how safe it is now, Artoo. Gives my motivators the chills just thinking about it. Hmpf, I would rather be sent to. . .the spice mines of Kessel than go back to Hoth.
Artoo whistles a response.
Male Repair Bay Supervisor: Hey, you droids on transport twenty-two, get back to work!
Threepio: Now see what you've done! We'll lose our jobs for sure.
Artoo blasts Threepio with an electronic raspberry.
Threepio: Don't insult me you overgrown scrap pile! At least I'm doing my job!
Artoo retorts sarcastically.
Threepio: Yes, I am. So just you get back to fixing that hyperdrive motivator!
The little blue droid lets loose a final string of electronic insults.
Female Announcer 1: Will the owner of a red and black landspeeder vehicle, ID T-H-X-one-one-three-eight, please return to your craft. You are parked in a "no-hover" area.
The announcement is displayed on the electronic message board below the monitor.
Male Announcer 1: All passengers who wish to exchange currency, prior to their departure, are invited to visit the exchange office, opened daily during regular flight hours.
Female Announcer 1: There has been a gate change for Star Tours flight one-fourteen, Star Speeder service to Endor. Flight one-fourteen will now be departing through gate number two. This is a gate change only. Thank you.
The announcement is displayed on the electronic message board below the monitor.
Threepio: (to Artoo) I do wish I could go with you to Endor. . . .
As Artoo is working on the Star Speeder, something short circuits aboard the ship and the little droid and emits a terrified electronic shriek.
Threepio: On second thought, I just remembered how much I hate space travel. You have a nice trip though, Artoo.
Artoo blasts Threepio with an electronic raspberry.
Female Announcer 1: Attention please. Star Tours flight eleven-nineteen, non-stop service to Endor, is now ready for boarding at gate number one. All passengers please proceed to the boarding area immediately.
The announcement is displayed on the electronic message board below the monitor.
The alien spaceport announcer speaks over the comm.
Artoo beeps something to Threepio.
Threepio: Artoo-Detoo, just what do you think you're doing?
The astromech droid twitters a response.
Threepio: Get back to work, before they deactivate you!
Artoo warbles disbelief.
Threepio: Yes, I think they would. And hurry up, they'll be needing this transport any moment now.
Artoo whistles a question.
Threepio: No, I don't feel sorry for you at all.
More electronic beeps are emitted from the little robot.
Threepio: Well, how should I know what's wrong with the ship? I'm an interpreter, not an astromech. However, you might just check the logic circuits, sometimes I think these new transports have a mind of their own.
Artoo informs Threepio that he's going to give his suggestion a try.
Male Announcer 1: Your attention please. All interplanetary travelers must have a current passport and the necessary visas prior to leaving the spaceport. Passengers requiring assistance should visit the nearest information kiosk. Thank you.
An advertisement depicting various wilderness images and furry creatures of a forest world appears on the large nearby monitor. An over-zealous voice accompanies it.
Male Announcer 2: Star Tours is now offering convenient daily departures to the exotic moon of Endor. Come spend an afternoon or the entire day with the lovable Ewoks, in their charming tribal villages. It's a fun filled visit that you and your family will remember forever! Just ask for the Endor Express. Available only from Star Tours. Non-stop flights leave every few minutes, so don’t delay. Visit Endor today!
Threepio: Things have certainly changed since we were last there. I thought we were doomed for sure.
Artoo whistles agreement.
Threepio: But we did survive . . . somehow.
Artoo beeps sincerely.
Threepio: Thank you, Artoo. I don't know what I'd do without you either.
Female Announcer 1: Star Tours flight fifty-five, is now ready for boarding at gate number three. At this time, we would like to board those passengers with droids or anyone requiring special assistance. Thank you.
The announcement is displayed on the electronic message board below the monitor.
Repair Bay Supervisor: Transport twenty-two, prepare for elevation to passenger boarding level.
Threepio: Oh, that's us, Artoo. Stand by for final systems check.
The little droid twitters confidently.
Threepio: Forward lights . . .
Artoo beeps affirmatively.
Threepio: Check; deflector shield . . .
Artoo beeps affirmatively.
Threepio: Check; laser cannons . . .
Artoo whistles affirmatively.
Threepio: Check; hyper . . .
A loud noise fills the repair bay as engines systems begin to overheat.
Threepio: I said "check," Artoo! Shut them down before you blow up the entire place!
Artoo manages to turn off the engines before they explode.
Threepio: Sometimes, Artoo, I can't understand your logic at all.
Artoo directs a question to his counterpart.
Threepio: No, not at all.
Female Announcer 1: We'd like to continue the boarding of flight fifty-five to Endor. All passengers holding confirmed tickets may board at this time through gate number three. Thankyou.
The announcement is displayed on the electronic message board below the monitor.
An advertisement depicting the new Starspeeder-class cruiser appears on the large nearby monitor. An over-zealous voice accompanies it.
Male Announcer 2: Star Tours is proud to introduce the Star Speeder Three-thousand: the most advanced transport of its kind in existence. With high speed warp drive and a travel range of over one billion light-years, the Three-thousand makes touring the galaxy safe and comfortable. And all our Star Speeders are piloted by the newest, most reliable RX droids, so you can sit back, relax, and enjoy the sights. Whenever your plans call for intergalactic travel, call on the best: Star Tours!
Threepio: (in response to advertisement) If this transport is the best, then why are we always repairing it?
Artoo warbles a comment.
Threepio: What do you mean, you are doing all the work? You ungrateful little twit! I've just about had enough of you. Why, you wouldn't even have this job if it wasn't for me.
The small robot beeps a sarcastic remark.
Threepio: No, you wouldn't, so you might just show a little gratitude.
Artoo beeps another mocking remark.
Threepio: You're welcome. Now get back to work.
Female Announcer 1: Departing Endor passenger, Sookcool, Mr. Egroej Sookcool, please see the Star Tours agent at gate number three. Mr. Morrow, Mr. Tom Morrow, please check with a Star Tours agent at gate number four.
The announcement is displayed on the electronic message board below the monitor.
Artoo twitters questioningly.
Threepio: Yes, I know exactly what I'm doing; don't you worry about me.
Repair Bay Supervisor: Ah, Transport twenty-two, I'm getting a critical reading on your lasercannon. Shutdown immediately!
Alarms and sirens begin to go off. Smoke emanates from the lasercannons on the shuttle, filling the repair bay in a thick fog.
Threepio: Oh! Oh no, Artoo! What have I done? We're doomed! Deactivate the cannon circuits!
Artoo warbles excitedly, jumping up and down in the shuttle's astromech socket.
Threepio: No, disconnect them all!
Artoo continues beeping frantically.
The alarms and sirens cease, and the noxious fumes begin to dissipate.
Threepio: (Relieved) Oh, thank the Maker.
Female Announcer 1: Your attention, please, for the following gate announcements: Flight seven-oh-four, local service to Endor, will now depart through gate number four. Flight ten-eighty-two, the Endor Express, will now depart through gate number one. These are gate changes only. Thank you.
The announcement is displayed on the electronic message board below the monitor.
An advertisement depicting a harsh desert world and a multitude of various creatures and aliens appears on the large, nearby monitor. An over-zealous voice accompanies it.
Male Announcer 2: Star Tours announces another of our exciting action-adventure tours. Join us on a trek to Tatooine. Start your visit with a trip to the Galactic Zoo. Then race over to the Mos Eisley Cantina, for cocktails with the galaxy's most outrageous characters. If adventure is your middle name, this is the tour for you. The Trek to Tatooine; Star Speeder service begins soon, reservations are limited, so call your travel agent for Star Tours today!
Artoo beeps negatively in response to the advertisement.
Threepio: Well, that's one trip they can keep! I have no intention of getting another case of dust contamination.
Artoo beeps a comment.
Threepio: I totally agree, Artoo. Besides, I am perfectly content right here with you. So long as you don't mess things up.
Artoo warbles indignantly.
Threepio: (Reprimanding) Watch your language, Artoo! And. . .check the laser cannons -- you don’t know what space debris you'll run into.
The small blue droid whistles a response.
Threepio: All right, Artoo, I'm getting a full power reading. Now shut down the system before it discharges.
The astromech droid whistles affirmatively.
An alien spaceport announcer broadcasts a message over the comm.
An advertisement depicting various wilderness images and furry creatures of a forest world appears on the large, nearby monitor. An over-zealous voice accompanies it.
Male Announcer 2: Star Tours is now offering convenient daily departures to the exotic moon of Endor. Come spend an afternoon or the entire day with the lovable Ewoks, in their charming tribal villages. It's a fun filled visit that you and your family will remember forever! Just ask for the Endor Express. Available only from Star Tours. Non-stop flights leave every few minutes, so don’t delay. Visit Endor today!
Threepio: I really don't understand why they're not sending me on the Endor tour. After all, I am something of a legend with the Ewoks, what with my "magic" and all.
The barrel-shaped astromech warbles a comment.
Threepio: Well, the Ewoks thought it was mine. Besides, I could be of great assistance as an interpreter.
Female Announcer 1: Star Tours announces the cancellation of flight one-twenty-four. Any passengers holding confirmed tickets for flight one-twenty-four should check with the nearest Star Tours agent.
The announcement is displayed on the electronic message board below the monitor.
INT. STAR TOURS -- DROID REPAIR HOLD
Mechanical machines pass by overhead, moving spare Star Speeder parts into the repair bay and retrieving discarded scrap. Behind an opaque door, the silhouette of a [squat RX pilot] droid can be seen being worked on by a [G2 model]: the robots tasked with repairing and reprogramming faulty droids. Two such droids, Geetwo-Nineteen (G2-19) and Geetwo-fourteen (G2-14) are currently on duty, diligently working at their assignments. . .until someone, anyone, comes along. They have gone for some time without a memory wipe and have become a bit eccentric, often talking incessantly, even if only to themselves.
Below the passenger platform, yellow hazard lights line the wall, and small MSE-8 droids roll along on a track beside them. Also on the level below, an older G1model works on an uncooperative blast-door. As several passengers for the "Endor Express" near the first robot, G2-19, the repair droid comes on-line. Two non-functioning astromechs, an R5 and an R2 unit wait to be repaired. The short droid standing on two stubby legs is slumped over beside a red, disarrayed R5 droid, as if the G2 was unexpectedly deactivated.
Suddenly the G2 droid powers-up, emitting a yawn.
G2-19: These shut-down breaks are getting much too short. Now, what have we have here?
G2-19 turns back toward the red astromech, wagging his short tail.
G2-19: (to the R5) Hey, haven't I seen you before? Seems like I'm always fixing this burnout. Now, let's see now. . .no, nope. No, that. . .that can't be right. Hmm. . . .
G2-19 turns to the nearest passenger, a cyborg.
G2-19: Hey! You there! Uh, excuse me! Hello? I'm talking to you! Yes, you! Are you very mechanical? Well, I was just wondering if you could tell me where this goes?
G2-19 holds up a droid component.
G2-19: See, I wasn't really on-line when they where programming us for logic repairs; usually I can figure it out, but, these old ACK 5's are kinda built backwards, you know what I mean? Hmm. . .no, you. . .don't. . .know. . .what. . .I. . .mean. Well, don’t worry, this isn't your navigator. No, I fixed him hours ago, but thanks for trying to help me out. You have a nice flight. I'll figure this out. . .eventually.
Female Announcer 1: Attention please. Attention please. There has been a disruption in the labor output of droids, sector two. All work is to resume immediately, or power disconnect will be initiated.
G2-19: Oh-oh, I've gotta get back to work. Uh, just keep the line moving along; I'm not programmed for [minor details]. (To a multiple-eyed Gran) You know, it's not polite to stare.
The short repair droid turns back to his work.
G2-19: (quietly to himself) Now, was I supposed to weld that logic module positive to positive or negative to negative? No, no. I'm positive it was negative to positive, absolutely positive.
G2-19 looks up from the droid to find the line of passengers all looking at him.
G2-19: Hey, what are you all staring at? Oh, me! Well, you got cameras, why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer.
The robot observes the rows of passengers.
G2-19: Gee, a lot of families here today. Glad you're flying with us. You know, I like families. Sure, I see a lot of mine these days. Oh look, there's Dad. (Waving) Hi Dad! Dad was the top Star Tours pilot; kinda took a. . .crash course in Star Speeders. . .if you know what I mean. Now he’s really a basket case. Yup, that's him all over. It's a shame too, really gone to pieces. (To a large group of Ewoks) Hey, are you all together today? Are you sure? Ok, that's [right here --]
Female Announcer 1: Attention please, attention please, we are experiencing unusual behavior in the Geetwo droids in sector two. Maintenance units begin surveillance of all sector two Geetwo droids.
The Geetwo droid continues talking as if he had not heard the message.
G2-19: I'm listening to K-DROID, my favorite station. This is the latest hit song, Danny and the Droids. It's called, "I Want to Weld Your Hand." I love those roboto intros. (To a nearby Rodian) Hey man! Care to boogie? Your bipedal locomotion units are lookin' real hydraulic.
The G2 droid momentarily returns to his work.
G2-19: (singing) "I've been working on the same droid, all the live long day." (Laughs)
The repair droid playfully points a tool at a nearby Coynite.
G2-19: Stick 'em up!
The robot lowers the tool.
G2-19: I love the west. It reminds me of my last home on Tatooine. Hey, speaking of homes, (to the Coynite) how about taking me with you when you leave? Will you wait for me? I get off work in a few years. Please?
Female Announcer 1: Monitor circuits continue to detect a decrease in production activities in droids, sector two. Shutdown procedures will begin in sixty seconds, unless output increases immediately.
G2-19: (to the Coynite) You see? Now you're getting me in trouble. That's what happens when you
talk to a humanoid: always trouble. I'm sorry, but I have to get back to work.
G2-19 refocusses his attention for a few seconds on getting the damaged R5 astromech droid to work when his attention is again diverted by a pair of insect-like Hiromi.
G2-19: (to Hiromi) Hello, how are you? I'm, ah, Geetwo-Nineteen, fix-it-bee labor droid. See, my job is to fix the pilots and navigators for Star Tours. It’s a really neat job, I mean, I like it and you get to meet a lot of nice droids and. . .eh, excuse me. (To a Gotal) Excuse me, you look awfully familiar; wasn't I in your service, a long time ago, uh, in a galaxy far, far away? Oh, I guess not. You only have one head. Say! That's a very nice droid your traveling with, but if you’d ever like to trade that one in for a newer unit, let me know. Come by and see me anytime. I'm always here.
Female Announcer 1: Malfunction in sector two. Malfunction in sector two. All droids will be shutdown for reloading of labor programs. Stand by for power disconnect.
G2-19: Here we go again. They're gonna pull the plug on me. I’ll see ya later folks. It's nap time--
G2-19's last words are drawn out as the power is drained from his servos. With their attention no longer focused on the talkative G2 droid, the passengers get the line moving again only to encounter another, equally eloquent G2 droid, G2-14. G2-14 usually repairs damaged droids, but the usual customs droid experienced a mal-function and the G2 robot was the only one able to fill the position.
He is slumped over at his ticket collections kiosk. When several passengers near him, the G2droid comes on-line, becoming erect.
G2-14: These shutdowns are becoming a pain in the neck! Heh, literately! Ooh! (Moans)
G2-14's electronic supervisor "Chief" makes an inquisitive warble.
G2-14: (to Chief) Yeah, yeah, yeah! I hear ya!
Chief warbles on without pause.
G2-14: What? Passports? How do I know if they have their passports?
The electronic supervisor continues warbling.
G2-14: OK, OK, OK, I'll check.
Chief delivers a final binary insult.
G2-14: Sheesh, give me a circuit break, will ya?
The "customs" droid turns to the rows of passengers.
G2-14: Hey, do all you passengers have the necessary paperwork to go on this tour? You know, passports, visas, eh. . .tickets, flight insurance. . .well?
G2-14 pauses, waiting for someone to say something.
G2-14: (to Chief) I don't know, Chief, heh, they're all just standing there staring at me. Maybe they’re not programmed to my frequency.
Chief mumbles a comment.
G2-14: (to passengers) Hey! What's the matter? Haven't you people ever seen intelligent life before? (Laughs mischievously)
Female Announcer 1: Attention please. Attention please. There has been a disruption in the labor output of droids, sector two. All work is to resume immediately or power disconnect will be initiated.
Chief sends a flurry of electronic warbles at G2-14, berating him.
G2-14: (to Chief) Hey! Get off my servos! I'm not the one who purchased all those defective RX pilots.
The electronic supervisor mutters a final comment.
G2-14: (to a group of Bothans) Have any of you humanoid's ever flown on a Star Speeder before? (Pauses) Well, I hope you enjoy your tour. Now, now, please keep your party together as you approach the loading concourse. Heh, that is if you'd ever like to see them again. If not, you can say goodbye now.
G2-14 lets out a mischievous cackle.
Female Announcer 1: Attention please. Attention please. We are experiencing unusual behavior in the Geetwo droids in sector two. Maintenance units begin surveillance of all sector two, G2 droids.
Three pairs of red photorecptors light up above the exit of the droid hold as several maintenance units begin scrutinizing the activities of the G2 droids.
Chief warbles something to G2-14.
G2-14: (ignoring Chief) What's this? Do my senses deceive me? Or are there really passengers out there? Gee, I hope the new Star Speeders run better than the one that brought me here. What a bucket of bolts! You'll never get me on one of those things in a billion lightyears.
Chief calls the attention of G2-14.
G2-14: Yeah, Chief.
The electronic supervisor warbles a comment.
G2-14: What's that?
Chief warbles another comment.
G2-14: Don't worry, those humanoids out there can't hear a word I'm saying, as long as I have the comlink switched off.
Chief warbles a short response.
G2-14: Huh, it's not? Oh-oh. (To passengers, stuttering) Eh, uh, say! Are you the lucky people who are gonna ride the new Star Speeder Three-thousand? Hey, wait'll you see it! It's a real beauty, and what a ride! Smooth as transmission fluid! You'll never forget it! (To himself) Although you'll probably wish ya could. . . .
Female Announcer 1: Monitor circuits continue to detect a decrease in production activities in droids, sector two. Shutdown procedures will begin in sixty seconds, unless output increases immediately.
G2-14: (to a human passenger) Ayh, excuse me please, but you'll have to check that excess baggage. Huh? Oh, I'm terribly sorry; uh, I didn't realize that was your husband. (Laughs mischievously).
Chief warbles something.
G2-14: Sorry, Chief. My senses where out of focus there for a second. (To the rows of passengers) Hiya folks. I'm Geetwo-Fourteen. I run this operation. Now if there's anything I can help you with. . .hey! You over there!
G2-14 addresses a large group of raucous Gamorreans.
G2-14: (loudly) I'm talking to you! Could you creatures please give me your undivided attention for a moment?
The customs droid pauses, waiting for the Gamorreans to stop their snorts and squeals.
G2-14: Thank you. Now some of you are probably wondering, how many passengers are flying with Star Tours today. Well, let me see: (begins counting the passengers) eh, one, two. . .three, four. . . .
The droid pauses and points to a long-trunked Pacithhip
G2-14: Did you want me to include you? OK; five, six. . .eh, stop back and check with me later, this could take a while. . .uh, seven, eight, nine, ten--
Female Announcer 1: Malfunction in sector two, malfunction in sector two. All droids will be shutdown for reloading of labor programs. Stand by for power disconnect.
Chief warbles angrily.
G2-14: Well, it's break time. Wait, wa-wait! I didn't mean that literally--
G2-14's last words are drawn out as the power is drained from his servos.
INT. STAR TOURS -- BOARDING AREA
As the passengers walk passed the deactivated customs droid, they come to a stop at a checkpoint. The wall in front of them notifies that to the left lie gates 1-3 and the right lie gates 4-6.To the right and left of the passengers is a blueprint of the Star Speeder 3000 and above them is a "Warning" sign: "Star Tours is a highly turbulent thrill ride through space that includes sharp drops and sudden turns. [Passengers] should be in good health, and free from heart, back, or neck problems, motion sickness or other conditions that could be aggravated by [sudden movements.] This is not a [slow ride. Children who don't meet] the requirement of 48" may not ride; expectant mothers should not ride, and children should be accompanied by an adult." After passing through the inspection, spaceport attendants help the passengers line-up in the appropriate aisles for boarding of the Star Speeder 3000, non-stop flight to Endor. While they wait for the orange boarding doors marked 1-6 to swing open, vid-monitors mounted above the doors come alive, displaying through four cam angles the passengers' Star Speeder just coming into the hanger. Several technicians swarm around the vessel, preparing it for take off. An electronic chrono beneath the cam angles counts down the minutes remaining until boarding commences.
Male Announcer 2: Star Tours announces the arrival of the Endor Express. Once we've had a chance to service the Star Speeder, we'll begin our boarding procedures. Thank You.
The image of a Corulagan female, wearing a variation of the famous House of Alderaan "Star Puffs" hairstyle, appears on the monitor. She is the boarding instructor. As she relates the directions for proper boarding to the passengers, several vid-images of creatures mocking her directions replace her, serving as an example for the passengers.
Boarding Instructor: May I have your attention, please. At this time, I'd like to take a moment to review our boarding process with you. When the automatic doors have opened, please proceed directly across the ramp, into the cabin. Continue to move all the way across your aisle, filling in every available seat.
The boarding instructor's image is replace by that of several humans, a Wookiee, a Mon Calamari, and a few Ewoks filling in every available seat.
Boarding Instructor: For your safety, all passengers are required to wear safety restraints throughout the flight. To fasten the restraint, pull the strap out from the right side of the seat and snap it into the console to your left.
The image of the various sentients finding their seats is replaced by a Teek watching as the human female beside him fastens her safety restraint.
Boarding Instructor: Galactic regulations require that all carry-on items be safely stowed beneath your seat.
The human female who was shown attaching her safety restraint can now be seen placing her carry-on items in the webbing beneath her seat. The Teek stubby legs hover above the ground next to her.
Boarding Instructor:m While on board, flash photography is not permitted. . .
The image of the Teek and human are replaced again by that of the various aliens who were finding their seats. Unexpectedly, a male human child seated in the mid-section of the Star Speeder turns around and takes a holo-pic of the Wookiee and Mon Calamari passengers seated behind him. The Wookiee growls and covers his eyes as the flash blinds him and the angered Mon Calamari gives the young human an angry look and raises a fin threateningly.
The boarding instructor's image again returns to the screen.
Boarding Instructor: And please, no smoking at any time. If you have any questions, feel free to ask an attendant. You'll be boarding in just a few moments. Thank you, and have a pleasant tour.
The boarding instructors image is replaced by an entirely blue background and the words "Prepare for boarding."
Male Announcer 2: Star Tours announces the boarding of the Endor Express, non-stop Star Speeder service to the moon of Endor. All passengers, please prepare for immediate boarding.
INT. STAR SPEEDER 3000, #45
The doors leading toward the Star Speeder automatically swing open, simultaneously releasing the sound of blaring trumpets, recognizable as the "Journal of the Whills," composed by the renowned Orin Mersai. As the passengers begin to shuffle into the Star Speeder 3000, a final boarding call can be heard from the boarding area.
Male Announcer 2: This is the final boarding call for the Star Tours Endor Express. All passengers should [prepare for immediate departure on the Endor Express].
The passengers momentarily pass through the docking bay before are they quickly ushered to their seats aboard the Star Speeder 3000 by a male flight attendant in orange cover-alls. Directly ahead of the passengers' seats is a blast shield. To the right of the dull gray shield is a small vid-monitor with an image of the Star Tours logo, underneath which the electronic message "Prepare for departure" is displayed. At the center of the ceiling, warning signs are lit, reminding the passengers to have their safety restraints fastened, their choice of nic-i-tain inhaler extinguished, and their carry on items safely stowed.
Once the Star Tours flight attendant is convinced everyone has buckled his, her, or its restraint, the human male wishes the passengers a pleasant flight.
Flight Attendant: May the Force be with you. . . (quietly to himself) because I sure won’t.
The human quickly exits and the doors lock shut behind him.
The image of the tall gold droid who had been working on the damaged Star Speeder in the repair bay, Threepio, appears on the vid-monitor. He gives a final reminder of the strict Star Tours flying laws, accompanied once again by examples played out by Star Tours employees.
Threepio: Hello, I am See-Threepio, human-cyborg relations. Welcome aboard the Star Speeder Three-thousand. Please make sure your safety restraints are securely fastened at this time. To fasten, pull the strap out from the right side of the seat, and snap it into the console to your left.
See-Threepio’s image on the monitor is replaced by the familiar image of the human female and the Teek following the instructions.
Threepio: Galactic regulations require that all carry-on items be safely stowed beneath your seats.
Again, the image of the human female placing her carry-on items into the webbing beneath the seat can be seen on the vid-monitor.
Threepio: Oh, and flash photography and smoking are absolutely prohibited while on board.
A large camera of a design dating back to the days of the Old Republic fills the vid-monitor.
After, the flash lights up, signalling that the photograph was successfully taken, the user lowers the device revealing a three-eyed Gran smoking a cigarra. He silently chuckles to himself.
The golden protocol droid's image again returns to the vid-monitor.
Threepio: Thank you, and do have a nice flight.
The image of another droid replaces that of See-Threepio. It is the Star Speeder pilot, an RX droid with a smooth, half-dome head, glowing white photorecptors and a blinking red "mouth."
Rex: Welcome aboard! This is Captain Rex from the cockpit. I know this is probably your first flight and it's. . .mine too.
The RX droid laughs in a way that makes the passengers question whether the droid has its logic circuits crossed.
Rex: Well, it looks like we're going to have a smooth flight to Endor, so I'll go ahead and open the cockpit shield.
The blast-shield concealing the cockpit lowers, revealing the squat-looking RX droid "sitting" in the left corner. The viewport is now exposed for all the passengers to see their outer surroundings during the flight, however, currently there is only a drab brown durasteel door to gaze upon.
As the shield lowers, Rex turns to greet the passengers.
Rex: (cheerful) Hi there!
The vid-monitor to the right replaces the image of Rex with that of Artoo-Detoo being lowered into the Star Speeder's astromech socket.
Artoo whistles excitedly.
Rex: I see they're loading our navigator Artoo-Detoo, and then we'll be on our way -- so sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight.
The Starspeeder shakes and jostles as the turbolift platform elevates the craft to the runway.
Traffic Controller: Star Tours Forty-five, elevator platform has been activated. Commence final pre-launch sequence.
The turbolift comes to a stop and the ship begins to move under its own repulsor power. Another Star Speeder 3000 can be seen through the viewport ahead of Star Speeder 45.
Rex: Roger, Control; all status go!
Control Tower: S.T. Forty-five, you are cleared for take off. Contact departure control at one-two-zero point-four.
Rex: Copy one-two-zero point four.
As the ship moves under its own repulsorlifts, the Star Speeder ahead can be seen purposefully moving toward the exit designated "Launching." However, Rex's Star Speeder takes an unexpected left turn, quickly advancing toward an area marked "Maintenance Bay -- Stay Clear!" The passengers, already jolted by the pilots wild turn, rapidly near total panic as the Star Speeder continues to plunge ahead.
The Mon Calamari traffic controller tries to keep his voice neutral as he notifies Rex of his error.
Controller: Forty-five, you're going the wrong way. Stop immediately!
Rex: Uh-oh. . .wrong way. Brakes. . .brakes! (Panicking) Where are the brakes?
Star Speeder 45, still only powered by its repulsorlifts, falls over a steep drop into the maintenance area. The RX pilot and the passengers all scream in fear of disassembly and death, respectively. A message under the vid-monitor blinks "Emergency!" As Rex gets the thrusters running, he barely avoids falling onto another Star Speeder. As Rex brings the cruiser back up, he narrowly misses hitting the control tower, causing two human traffic controllers to flee from their stations in panic. As Rex jukes left to avoid the tower, a large piece of jutting machinery comes directly into view. The Star Speeder lurches to the right to avoid it. Now at the opposite end of the maintenance bay, Rex pilots the ship toward an exit where the star speckled void of space and the Star Speeder that had only minutes ago been in front of Star Speeder 45 lie beyond.
Rex: Uh, I meant to do that. . .little shortcut. (Laughs uneasily)
As the passengers heave a sigh of relief and speak excitedly among themselves, the Star Speeder ahead of them jumps to Lightspeed.
Rex: Artoo?
The navigator droid chirps enthusiastically.
Rex: Lightspeed to Endor!
Artoo emits an affirmative series of beeps as he fulfils the captain's request.
The passengers feel incredible forces pushing them back into their seats as the vessel suddenly lurches and the surrounding stars seem to impossibly stretch toward infinity as the Star Speeder goes to Lightspeed.
After a few short moments, the Star Speeder exits hyperspace. An electronic message flashes below the vid-monitor: "Approaching Endor". However, the jump coordinates were miscalculated and the ship is approaching too rapidly, whizzing passed the Endor moon.
Rex: (dejected) Artoo, we passed the Endor moon!
As the Star Speeder passes the forest moon, the message below the vid-monitor changes, blinking in red letters, "Leaving Endor."
Artoo emits a worried series of beeps as in the distance bright celestial objects race before the viewport.
Rex: Now what's the matter?
The navigator rapidly beeps an answer.
Rex: Comets?
Through the viewport, a beautiful but deadly comet can be seen racing incredibly near the ship, followed by a stream of large ice particles through which the Star Speeder then passes.
Rex: Comets! (to passengers) Ladies and gentlemen, there may be some turbulence up ahead; make sure your seat belts are fastened!
The warning signs near the center of the ceiling light up, in response to Rex's announcement. The ship dodges and maneuvers around several more large comets, taking hits from multiple smaller ones. The Star Speeder then nears an uncomfortably gigantic comet.
Rex: I have a very bad feeling about this!
The pilot lets loose a wail as the cruiser enters the comet, luckily coming into a narrow tunnel. Rex steers wildly from left to right, eliciting screams and whoops from the passengers as the ship narrowly avoids crashing into the sides of the cavern and is battered by several crystalline formations. The Star Speeder finally comes to the end of the tunnel-- a wall of solid ice. Both the RX pilot and the passengers shriek in fear as the ship comes closer and closer to the obstruction. The Star Speeder impacts the wall, shattering it into a million fragments. Only the serene calm of space can now be seen through the viewport.
Rex: (to passengers) Well, you can relax now. Everything's under control, and, uh, we'll be on our way to the Endor moon with any further delay.
Just as the pilot gives the reassurance, two Imperial Star Destroyers come in to line with the viewport and the ship jostles as if taken hold by an invisible hand. The passengers no longer yell and scream, rather berating themselves for having believed the droids assurances.
Below the vid-monitor, the message "System Override" blinks on and off.
Rex: Oh no! We're caught in a tractor beam!
Through the viewport, growing in size, can be seen the hangar bay of a third Imperial Star Destroyer as the Star Speeder is pulled in by its tractor beam. A rebel X-Wing, being chased by a TIE/ln fighter, can be seen flying across the Destroyer's underbelly. Several other starfighters can be seen engaged in dogfights.
Suddenly, the image of a rebel X-Wing pilot appears on the vid-monitor, accompanied by the message "Code-one communication.
Male X-Wing Pilot: (annoyed) Star Tours? What are you doing here? This is a combat zone; it's restricted!
The X-Wing pilot pauses, as if contemplating what to do with the troublesome tourists.
X-Wing Pilot: Ease off on your main thruster.
As Rex follows the rebel's instructions, the rebel pilot flies his X-Wing directly through the invisible tractor beam at a tremendous speed, severing its hold on the Starspeeder for a few precious seconds. Rex turns hard to port, escaping the Star Destroyer's attempt at re-establishing the tractor beam lock. Star Speeder 45 is now in the thick of the battle. All around the cruiser, X-Wings and TIE's fire at one another, in a fierce space battle. Red and green lasers fill the viewport. Then, incredibly, a moon-sized, gray space station begins to loom into view, unmistakably similar to the Death Star that was destroyed in the Yavin system. An Imperial TIE fighter pursues a rebel Y-Wing across the Death Star II's equator.
Suddenly, the Star Speeder is hit by a laser and the ship looses altitude, diving toward the Death Star II. Below the vid-monitor, the message "Malfunction" flashes in red.
Rex: Ah! We've been hit! Artoo, get the stabilizer fixed. . .and hurry! We're losing altitude fast!
Artoo beeps and whistles, informing the captain that he'll do his best.
The Star Speeder hangs in uncertainty for a short while, then levels off. The message below the vid-monitor has changed to "Systems OK."
The image of the X-Wing pilot who helped Rex reappears on the vid-monitor.
X-wing pilot: Red twenty-four, Red thirty, follow me.
Rex: (excited) OK. . .I've always wanted to do this: we're going in!
Rex turns the Star Speeder in a sudden dip toward the surface of the Death Star II. As he reaches the surface of the space station, the pilot droid narrowly misses hitting the back of one of the two attacking X-Wings in front of him.
Rex: Yikes!
The RX pilot brakes and pulls the ship to a level above the X-Wing to avoid a collision. Following the two X-Wings, Rex pilots the ship through a narrow gap, and dodges several turbolaser towers and their deadly fire. Star Speeder 45 follows suit as the X-Wings in front of it arc upward, away from the Death Star then angle straight back toward it, entering the trench at the equator of the giant space station at attack speed.
Rex: Yaa-hoo!
X-wing Pilot: Red twenty-four, I'm going in. Cover me.
The other X-Wing fires at on-coming TIE's, and Star Speeder 45 flies through the debris.
Rex: Woah! (Laughs manically)
As a TIE comes into targeting range, Rex fires repeatedly on the Imperial starfighter with the Star Speeder 3000's low-grade laser cannons. The unexpected fighter erupts into flames.
X-wing Leader: I'm in target range. . .
The X-Wing leader maintains his rapid approach toward the target, then drops two proton torpedoes into the thermal exhaust port as Luke Skywalker did at the Battle of Yavin. As the area around the exhaust port begins to explode, the X-Wing leader and Rex both pull up from the Death Star.
X-Wing Leader: It's a hit!
Rex: We did it!
X-Wing pilot: (calmly) All ships, jump to light speed.
The remaining rebel X-Wings, jointly make the jump into hyperspace toward their base, leaving the Star Speeder behind.
Artoo shrills in surprise.
Rex: Hang on back there: light speed!
The transport again enters the whirling tunnel of hyperspace. Moments later, the Star Speeder exits light speed near its original Star Tours starport. Another Star Speeder 3000 can be seen leaving the spaceport at a safe velocity. However, Star Speeder 45 comes into the docking bay in an erratic arc, flying too quickly into the opening. The ship continues flying rapidly down the entrance corridor directly toward the office of a Star Tours employee. The human male sees the advancing Star Speeder and takes cover beneath his desk. Just then, a large, lumbering truck rolls out in front of the speeding Star Speeder. On the side of the truck, the word "fuel" is highly visible.
Rex: Brakes!
The passengers yell in terror as Rex brings the Star Speeder to a grinding halt on the repulsorlift platform, only meters away from the fuel truck. As the truck continues moving along, a bearded human male can be seen getting up from behind the desk, nonchalantly reorganizing his paper work as if nothing had happened.
The elevator platform slowly lowers the ship toward the maintenance bay for a necessary overhaul of not only Star Speeder 45's systems, but those of its captain as well. The passengers who haven't passed out give thanks to numerous deities that they are no longer off the ground.
Rex: (to passengers) Hey, sorry folks. I'm sure to do better next time. It was my first flight, and I'm still getting used to my programming!
The blast-shield that had concealed the cockpit before the flight had begun now begins to raise from its lowered position, cutting off Rex from the angry passengers. The vid-monitor lights up with Threepio's image, speaking over Rex's protests of "Hey! Hey!" The message "Exit" accompanied by an electronic arrow pointing right appear beneath Threepio's image.
Threepio: We do hope you enjoyed your tour [of the Endor moon], and will come back soon. Now please, remain seated until the captain has opened the exit doors, you may then unlatch your safety restraints by pressing the release button on your left.
The human female, shown earlier adjusting her safety restraint, now gives example of how to remove it.
Threepio: Oh, and do make sure you have your personal belongings. Thank you. Good-bye.
INT. STAR TOURS -- RECEIVING AREA
The cacophony of trumpets blares loudly once again as the doors of the Star Speeder to the passengers' rights swing open. The passengers exit toward a hallway where loved ones await on benches, propped against the wall, anxious to greet those just arrived. Overhead, several signs display in which direction certain services are: an arrow pointing straight ahead directs travelers to the "All passenger services" area; a landspeeder symbol identifies the "Surface transportation" area; and at the bottom of the sign, the "Droid and baggage claim" area represented by the silhouette of an R2 unit standing beside a luggage case. The walls are decorated with advertisements displaying many of the worlds Star Tours offers flights to: the serene waters of Iskalon, the harsh sands of Tatooine, the lush jungles of Yavin 4, the frosty plains of Hoth, the Rubyflame Lake of Centares, the forests of Endor, and the fantastic castles of Cinnagar. As passengers near the end of the hallway, another sign appears above with an arrow pointing directly toward the main exit: "All passengers." A final message is written on both sides of the wall at the end of the hallway, "May your adventures be long lasting," issuing a snort from many of the travelers who rode on Star Speeder 45.
As the sentients exit the hallway and come into the Star Trader, a gift shop filled with multitudes of cheap, over-priced trinkets, and even a battered T-65 X-Wing that had been abandoned on Yavin 4, the sign "[Passengers'] exit only: Please do not enter" is displayed beside the exit way.
The End
*This is an attempt to preserve the story of Star Tours, as well as to make it as canonical as possible. Since the original Star Tours ride will be replaced by a new one based on the up-coming trilogy, it is likely fans will never again experience this adventure.
*While the movie portion of the Star Tours ride is exactly the same at all the Disney theme parks, the electronic messages beneath the large monitor tend to vary, as do the props and positioning of the G2 droids in the "Droid Hold," as well as the vehicles outside the attraction. This script is an attempt at amalgamating all the elements of the versions of the Star Tours ride at Disneyland, Anaheim, and DisneyWorld -- MGM Studios, Orlando. Since, I've never travelled to Europe or Japan, the versions of Star Tours in those countries respective Disney theme parks were not incorporated into this script.
*Look for a noble, though apocryphal, attempt by authors Judith and Garfield Reeves-Stevens to canonize Star Tours with a throw-away line in their story, "One Last Night in the Mos Eisley Cantina: The Tale of the Wolfman and the Lamproid" (Tales From the Mos Eisley Cantina) which takes place during the Battle of Endor: "General Calrissian's voice broke up with static. "We're on our way!" Raw cheering voices. Human and Bothan. Mon Calamari and Bith. Even a droid who announced it had always wanted to do this."
*The voice of Rex was contributed by actor Paul Reubens, famous for his role as Pee-Wee Herman.
*The human male employee who ducks under his desk at the end of the ride is rumored to be George Lucas himself.
*Egroej Sookcool, the Endor passenger who was asked by Female Announcer 1 to see a Star Tours agent at gate #3, may be related to the Rodian Black Sun crime operative Avaro Sookcool (Shadows of the Empire) who in turn is a distant uncle of Greedo the bounty hunter (A NewHope), who in turn is a distant cousin of Jabba's lackey Beedo (Return of the Jedi), who is also a distant relative of the smuggler Chihdo (Marvel Comics). :-\
*Help would be appreciated in deciphering the words in brackets, bringing to light any errors in description, putting the electronic messages that played under the giant monitor (Disneyland, Ahaheim California version) in their appropriate place (i.e. Threepio said "such and such", while the message "Star Tours: Gateway to the Galaxy!" simultaneously appeared, then Artoo said "beep boop beep.") Suggestions are also welcome on how to make this story more canonical without altering the scenes or dialogue, as well as how to incorporate elements of the Star Tours rides from both Euro Disney and Tokyo Disney. If anyone can be of help, please e-mail me, and if not, do so anyway: I'd love to hear from you.
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