Opening the brown paper lunch bag, I saw a plastic sandwich bag containing
a leafy substance. It was 1972, and to some Marijuana was thought to be a
harmful drug. I was 15 years old. I had never seen the real thing before so
I was not quite sure if they were joking or if it was for real. Was it really
just leaves or kitchen spices? Tim my sister's boyfriend had just recently
graduated from high school. He had moderately long hair, about shoulder length.
He liked football, and he used to wrestle in high school. He had not to long
ago started working at the Steel mills. I knew that many people were trying
Marijuana, but I still wasn't sure if they were serious when they asked me
if I wanted to try it. I had never drank alcohol, or smoked cigarettes. I
had told myself that I would never do drugs, but this was my sister and her
boyfriend. We had done a lot of fun things together and I trusted them. They
didn't look like drug addicts. "Will I get addicted?" I asked. "No" said Tim,
and then laughed. "Okay I said, forgetting in an instant the promise I had
made to myself, Like Esau selling his birthright for a single meal. We then
went out to the car.It was dark as we drove through the park. "Take a hit
and hold it as long as possible." said Tim The taste was kind of sweet, but
my throat burned as the smoke went down. "Do you feel anything yet?" Tim asked,
after we passed the joint around a few times. "I'm not sure" I replied. They
then went on to explain how I was supposed to feel. finally convincing myself
that I was high, we went home. The next day we went out again. While we were
out we stopped at a place called Storywood Boutique. The place was dimly lit
by black light. Upon entering you could instantly smell the fragrance of strawberry
incense. there were glass showcases displaying finely worked products made
of leather. There was also these strange comics that had fascinating artwork,
but didn't make much sense. I was amazed to see all kinds of pipes, roach clips
and other drug paraphernalia. I couldn't understand how they were able to
sell these things so openly when smoking "grass" was illegal. Tim bought a
joint rolling machine and we then left. The day after, I rode my bike to the
mall to get school clothes. On my way back I stopped at Story wood and bought
a wide leather belt, a wide leather watchband, with stars and moons painted
on it, and my very first pipe. It was a small pipe with a silver bowl and
mouthpiece, connected by a blue plastic tube. That evening I went over my
friends house, his name was John. I had known him since I was eight years
old. We played in a rock band together. He played drums and I played guitar.
I remembered a while back he showed me a joint his brother had hidden in a
cabinet. "Remember that joint you showed me?" I asked him. "want to try it?"
I continued. He looked at me kind of surprised. "I tried it a couple times
and I don't see anything wrong with it." I explained. He had the usual questions.
"Will I get addicted, will I end up on Heroin?" After reassuring him he had
nothing to worry about, and that the joint had been in the cabinet so long
that his brother had probably forgotten about it and wouldn't miss it. He
hesitatingly agreed, not like I who decided without much thought. We went
out to the garage tore the joint open, and smoked it in my brand new pipe.
The next time I smoked I found out that my sister Tina had introduced "pot"
to my other sister Kathy, who was about a year younger than me. We hung around
most of the same people. The three of us were in our basement watching "in
concert" on TV As we were smoking I started feeling strange. I felt like I
was moving in slow motion, kind of the way a strobe light makes you feel.
This was actually the first time I had really got high. "D for dope. "John's
brother Gary said as he pulled out two bags of "grass" out of the file cabinet
filed under D. "Fifteen for Mexican, Twenty for Jamaican." he said "I'll take
the Jamaican." I said, handing him the twenty This is the first bag I had
bought. An ounce, or a "lid" as it was called. Later that day some friends
and I were smoking it. I went down in my room to get something, and the song
"live and let die" by Paul MC'cartney was playing on the radio. At the fast
part the whole room started swaying. Everything in the room started to look
like a cartoon. One day one of my friends came over, Jim, and he brought someone
else over Tom Ricker. I had seen Tom around before but had never talked to
him before. They both had never smoked before. I was growing some plants on
my sister's Kathy and Cindy's windowsill. I had told my father that they were
Tomato plants. I don't know why he didn't suspect because he was growing tomato
plants right outside the window. I told Tom and Jim about them, and they didn't
believe they were real. They didn't smoke with me that day but later Tom and
I would "party" all the time together. I remember one time I was looking at
my plants while I was high, and a thought went through my mind. "What if this
was the forbidden fruit that Adam and Eve partook of in the Garden of Eden?"
I quickly forced the thought out of my mind. I soon transplanted my plants
outside. We would take leaves that had fallen off, or we would take fresh
ones and cure them in the microwave. This is how we were supplied through
one whole summer. One day as I was working at my families ice cream shop I
received a call from Tim. "There is a city tractor cutting down the vacant
field where your plants are!" "had they found out ?" I thought very worried.
When I arrived home the whole field was cut down except for my plants. On
my sixteenth birthday I was over my friend, Bob's house Tom and John were
there to. A friend Jay, who also played guitar dropped off a bottle of whiskey
for my birthday, he couldn't stay but the rest of us got totally "wasted."
Later that night I asked my sister if she would drive me and Tom over to Gary's
apartment to buy a bag. She said that she would. While we were driving back,
my sister and I got into a big fight. she was trying to tell me that the size
of the bag was to small for the price that I paid. "Pull over" I said. "fine"
she answered. "Leo, what are you doing?" asked Tom, who was worried about
the about seven mile walk home. She pulled over and Tom and I got out and
started to walk towards home. It was kind of cold, but the alcohol that we
consumed earlier must have made me feel warm. We lit up a joint and started
to hitchhike towards home. We had just finished when someone pulled over to
give us a ride. They didn't take us all the way home, but as soon as we got
out another car pulled over and took us the rest of the way home. We arrived
about five minutes later than if we would have come back with my sister. I
started to acquire many new interests. I started listening to music that was
called Psychedelic. Pink Floyd, King Crimson, Genesis, Hawkwind, Manferd Mann,
And Uriah Heep were some of the bands that played this type of music. The
music contained sound effects that would conjure up pictures in your mind
when you were high. They sang about space, the vanity of life, and magical
worlds that you felt you could almost get to when you smoked. The first concert
I had ever went to was Pink Floyd. They had visual effects that would create
a mystical atmosphere for those who were high. I remember how peaceful everyone
seemed the night of the concert, as the music filled the warm night air of
the outdoor grounds of Blossom music center. I went to many other concerts
after that. All the concerts we would go to we would smoke at. One time we
were concerned that we didn't have any grass. On our way to the concert we
picked up a hitchhiker and asked him if he knew where we could get any. He
brought us to a run down house in the country and sold us a bag. I had started
reading those comic books that I had seen at storywood. Now for some reason
they started to make sense. I remember one in particular, called "the day
of the dolphin." With only pictures it told a story of dolphins learning and
doing things. The last page had a picture of an atom bomb exploding, and out
of the sea were peaceful looking dolphins watching, with the only words in
the whole story under it." The meek shall inherit the earth." I had reached
the point that I was smoking every day. My friends and I would not even go
to the store unless we had a joint to smoke on the way. We would drive around
the park at night, listen to tapes, and get high. After we would go to fast
food restaurants to eat. It would be hard to act normal or "maintain" as it
was called with all the straight people around. Going to school was another
challenge, but it did make some of the subjects more interesting, especially
this one class called "Man as a creator." It was a class on the arts. They
would show a lot of Avent Garde movies in the class. There were also movies
that came out at the theaters that were interesting when you were high. One
was an animation called " Fantastic planet." It was about people being pets
to aliens on another planet. I lived in a semi rural area. We moved there
when I was eight. Before that I lived in a middle class city area. When we
lived there I used to hang around with a girl named Janis. Before we moved
I had told myself that I would come back to visit her when I learned to drive.
When I finally did start driving years later, my sister Kathy and I stopped
over her house. She wasn't home, but her mother was happy to see us. We talked
for a while. She said that she would have Janis call us. When she called a
few days later, we made plans for me to come over for a visit. I had brought
only Tom over with me this time. She had a friend over when we got there,
her name was Micky. Tom and I wondered if they smoked, We asked them, they
said they did. They said they were wondering the same about us. We smoked
a joint together, they invited us to a party, and we left. When Tom and I
went to the party a few days later we both wore these new style shirts called
baseball shirts. They were nice shirts with big puffy sleeves. They would
have looked all right worn somewhere where you would dress up, but everyone
there was wearing T-shirts and jeans. Because Tom and I were wearing the same
things, It made us look all the more ridiculous. Seeing how uncomfortable
we looked Jan, and Mickey came over to us and tried to make us feel more at
ease. The people there seemed a little rougher than the people we were used
to hanging out with. The music was loud, and there were quite a few people
there. We went out with a few others there to drive around and get high. As
we were driving, I noticed a cop through my rearview mirror. He turned on
his lights. I pulled over. He walked up to the car. "Let me see your license.
"he said. " Are you coming from a party? "He asked as he examined my license.
"yes" I answered. "Where's it at?" he asked as he handed back my license "Over
on Parkleigh Dr." I answered, not knowing that he probably was asking, so
they could watch the party. "OK" said the policeman. "be careful." He added
and then he let us go. As we were driving away, a girl in the back seat said
that she threw her bag out the window, When the cop pulled us over. We decided
not to go back, we were just happy that we didn't get busted. Back at the
party someone approached us and asked if we could drive them to get some beer.
On the way to the store we lit up a joint. We pulled in to the store parking
lot, and light coming through the back window illuminated the whole inside
of the car. Another cop. As I rolled down the window, smoke rolled out. "Smells
good." said the cop sarcastically. "Step out of the car." He ordered. One
by one he searched us. While he was searching me I was hoping that Tom was
getting rid of the bag. As they were searching the kid who asked us to take
him, I was a little relieved, The kid was swearing at him and calling him
names. I didn't think he would have anything on him because of the way he
was acting. But my heart sank as he pulled a bag out of his pocket filled
with some kind of pills. Tom did hide the bag in the last place anyone would
look, In the glove compartment. Not long after the parking lot was flooded
with police cars. At the police station they put me in a small room by myself.
The only thing in the room was an empty desk. I was thinking about getting
rid of my roachclip on my keychain in the desk, but I was afraid that they
might of put it in there to catch people, who might have had stuff on them
and thinking same way I was. Our parents came to pick us up. Tom and I denied
everything we blamed the people we were with, and they believed us. Not many
days later my friends and I were getting ready to party in my basement. We
forgot the pipe out in the car. I thought I would be nice and go get it. Everyone
there thanked me for volunteering, because no one wanted to spend the energy
to get it. As I was out of the room and half way up the stairs I couldn't
believe my ears. It sounded like they were totally different people in the
room. They were laughing and mocking me for going to get it. They were talking
low enough to make me think that they didn't want me to hear but loud enough
to Know I would. There voices sounded like demons, It seemed by the way they
were talking, that they all knew something that I didn't. It was like they
wanted me to wonder if they had a secret that I didn't know. It bothered me,
but I just pushed the whole incident out of my mind. As time went on it seemed
like smoke wasn't getting me high anymore. I made a promise to myself when
I first started smoking that I wouldn't ever do chemicals. One day Bob introduced
me to this person, Scratch was his name. He asked me if I wanted to try a
joint sprinkled with Kanebanol. I told him I would never do chemicals. He
told me that it was a natural substance derived from THC the active ingredient
in Marijuana. I decided I wanted to try some, but we couldn't get any. A couple
of days later we went over Gary's house and there was a guy over there selling
it. This guy seemed a lot different then the usual people over Gary's. He
had a cold look in his eyes. He looked like a very hardened type person. We
bought some from him, smoked a joint sprinkled with it, and then left. On
the way home I could hardly keep the car on the road. I seen colorful trails
coming off all of the cars headlights. After that incident, I can't remember
how it happened but I found myself doing other drugs. I remember smoking mushrooms
mixed with other things in a clay pipe. I was in my sisters room while she
was cutting someone's hair. As she started blow drying their hair, the motor
on the hairdryer started sounding like a heavy rock band. The music had Guitars,
Bass, drums, and brass interments. It sounded so clear that if I had my guitar
right there I could have learned some riffs. Another time I took muscle relaxers,
It caused me to be so relaxed that I could hardly move or stand up. I also
took speed. One night Jay stayed over, we found some speed in the medicine
cabinet. Between both of us we took half the bottle. Speed gave me a feeling
of self confidence. It also caused me to be very talkative. It also caused
me not to be able to sleep for three days after. I liked the feeling that
I had so much, that after a few more times I decided to stop, because I felt
I was starting to get hooked. There was also A drug called PCP. I found out
that it was a horse tranquilizer. Being high on PCP I would be very confused.
I was glad the time I took it there was one of us who didn't, he had to lead
us around. I remember walking around the streets not knowing where to go or
what to do. I felt very afraid that we were all talking to loud, and was afraid
someone would call the police on us. Having to deal with a situation like
that in the condition I was in would have been terrifying. On summer vacation
when I was sixteen, Tom and I started working at a place called Hudgeons products.
The company made decorative coin collecting sets. Tom was put to work on an
assembly line and I was put to work cutting metal plates that were used as
nameplates for the different coin sets. My supervisor was a girl named Beth,
She was attractive, and very success minded. There was another person named
Dale that worked in the same department. Him and another guy named Bill were
the ones who put the names on the plates I cut. I found out that they all
smoked so we would go in the back room where the machine was that put the
names on the plates and get high. Beth did eventually get mad though, because
Dale and I were doing it way to much. At lunch time I started talking to a
guy named Chris. I couldn't understand it, He was the first person I had met
that was trying to quit smoking grass. I couldn't understand why anyone would
want to quit. He usually would smoke with me, but always seemed very reluctant.
He later explained that he overdosed on a drug once and almost died. But I
thought it could never happen to me. One day Kathy, Tom, Bob and I went to
the park. Another girl Debbie was supposed to have come, But I was later glad
she wasn't allowed to go, because of what was about to happen. The park we
went to had a river with huge boulders all around. We picked a place on one
of the boulders, and broke out some beer and grass and started partying. It
was a fairly secluded place but also very popular. Not very long after we
started we looked up and there was a park ranger standing over us. Busted
Again! At the ranger station we were all very worried as we waited for our
parents. We were all cracking jokes trying to relieve the pressure. The Rangers
were trying to find out from us where we got the dope. we told them it was
a guy with dark sunglasses that approached us on a street corner, mocking
the TV commercials about drug pushers. When our parents came we were released
in to their custody. We were scolded on the way home, and grounded for a few
days, that was the extent of our punishment. I had plenty of money that summer,
from working, So I always had plenty of grass. I had ran in to one of my friends
from when I had worked at my families ice-cream store, Ron, We started partying
together. I introduced him to some of my friends, and he introduced me to
some of his. Donna, Maureen, Roberta, and Sue were his friends that we started
hanging around, and partying with. There was this one house we would go over
all the time. There was a constant party over there. It was a run down sort
of house with a small barn in the back. There were no neighbors to close,
and they had quite a bit of land. We would have big bonfires there at night.
Across the street the vacant field concealed a small forgotten cemetery. There
were tombstones that dated back to the eighteen hundreds. There was a tombstone
for a ten year old girl, her epitaph read" Remember me as you pass by for
as you are now, so once was I, As I am now so you will be so be prepared to
be with me." This warning went completely ignored by us, trusting in our youth,
not believing we would ever die, as we arrogantly partied on top of the toppled
tombstones scattered all over the field. When school started again. We would
cut school a lot and go to this and other houses and party all day and in
to the night. I started working on weekends with a cousin of mine named Tom.
He had his own home improvement business. He also smoked, but he used to talk
to me how I should be responsible while I was young, so I wouldn't have to
struggle when I got older. Pink Floyds album "Dark side of the moon" had a
song called "time" on it. They sang about the vanity of youth, about someone
who would waste time when they were young, and try and catch up later. This
song and the things my cousin would talk about, would make me want to do better
in school. I would still cut school but only study halls, and classes I thought
unimportant. I was never very comfortable with the people in my school, probably
because I went to three different elementary schools, and the high school
I was attending was a private Catholic school. No one that I hung around with
in my neighborhood went to my school. Everytime I felt like I was starting
to fit in a school, I would be transferred to another school. At my highschool
when every one started finding out that I partied, I started feeling like I was finaly fitting in. There would always be a party in my car after school. A bunch of
us were going to a Led Zeppelin concert, Some one got us tickets to a lodge.
This was the first concert the Authorities had advertised, that they would
try and stop people from doing drugs there. They said they were going to search
and arrest people who they found it on. My one friend, Nelson and I went over
to a girl named Chris's house. We made brownies with grass baked in them,
so we could bring it in without getting busted. I was up at the Ice cream
shop one night, and Ron was there. He had taken LSD, He kept talking about
something under the ground. He kept warning me to never take LSD. A few weeks
later I was at a party. I remember thinking to myself how much fun life was,
how it was like a game. I had a very arrogant attitude. I even remember saying
to myself that I would never get in to an accident. And I actually said to
myself "I tempt the devil to get me in an accident." These words would come
back to haunt me later. Someone at the party asked me if I wanted to try some
LSD, or "acid" as it was called. I bought two hits of it. He told me if I
never tried it before I should only take a half of a hit. It was brown window
pane and very potent. I went home and was with some of my friends in my room,
in the basement. We were going to party and I was going to try my first hit
of acid. I had bought an extra hit for Tom, who had tried it before. I had
some Colombian joints sprinkled with Kanebanol that I was saving, that we
were also going to do. John, Tom, and a friend named Tom Erwin was there.
I don't remember who else was there. As I started to feel the effects of the
acid working on me. I started feeling very nervous. I felt my self leaving
the world I had known for so long, and entering a strange, new forbidden land,
that only few people will ever see. My room was lit by black light. There
were strange posters hanging on the wall. I had a big mirror with flames,
teardrops, stars, and planets painted on it with fluorescent paint. All this
only helped to separate reality farther from me. "Ricker" I said, trying to
draw his attention away from the rock and roll magazine he was reading. "
I'm trying to read this" he said, not realizing how scared I was becoming.
My other friend Tom Erwin did notice though, and tried to help me to calm
down. "I am leaving reality" I thought to my self. "Isn't anyone going to
stop me" Just then there was a knock on the door. "What's going on in here?"
It was my dad asking as he appeared in the doorway. I thought that he had
been sent as an answer to my thought, to try and stop me. "We're burning incense"
I answered knowing full well it was the smoke he was talking about. I was
hoping he wouldn't see the bag that was laying out in full view. I still had
not lost a complete grasp of reality yet, so I started getting mad when he
said he did not believe me. And he said he knew what we were doing and that
we were ruining our lives. "I wish he would leave" I thought to myself. As
soon as my thought was finished he left. It almost seemed like he had heard
my thought. He had failed to stop me and I was slipping farther and farther
away from reality. Or was I? I started to lose control of my thoughts, They
started to speak to me on there own. "This is a normal experience that happens
in some peoples lives." My thoughts explained to me. "This was meant to happen."
they continued. The universe, and life would mean nothing if no one knew what
it was all about. There are some who are chosen to know it. It is extremely
sad to know these things, but someone has to know what it's about, because
of this people who are wicked are chosen to find out these realities. " As
my thoughts continued to explain all to me, I seen a huge wheel made up of
billions of people. It was like a giant whirlpool. The wicked people would
reach for vices that were scattered throughout the wheel. These vices were
used to draw those reaching for them more and more in to the center, until
they would find themselves in the center. The center was like the eye of a
hurricane. those in the center suddenly found out the sad details of life.
It was a kind of hell. The ones that never see the center are the ones spared
the sad realities that were being explained to me. That was there heaven.
I was in the center of the wheel.
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