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March 30...I wasn't going to update today because I really don't have anything funny or even remotely interesting to talk about. I've been that way for awhile now. My email box rarely has something in it, and even when it does I usually end up reading the email and not responding (Ang, you know I love you). I've been spending my time on the web reading other people's stuff, and for now, that's what makes me happy. But then I feel this weird sense of obligation to update my page, even though the graph that shows my daily hits is in a straight plunge downwards. So this is what is going on in my mind, in case you were wondering.
And life is good right now. I've got work, I've got school, I've got bills and all the rest, but it's all okay. I used to think that dealing with these things was so stressful. I would walk around with a knot in the pit of my stomach on a daily basis. Then I realized that most of that stress was self-imposed. I was living my life as a person so worried of upsetting or disappointing people that I was hurting my own body in the process. So I stopped. And it's okay now.
I'm still not the best at stepping back from a situation and relaxing. But the older I get, the better I get, and I guess that's what it's all about.
So no interesting update today. Just a calm, happy, content Lisa. I could get used to this.
March 28...So I never finished talking about why Angelina Jolie bugs me last night because M. walked in the door from being out of town for several days just as I was typing and of course I instantly saved and disconnected because who really cares about some freaky actress when your boy comes home. Being in love is so pathetic.
March 27...Last night was my favorite night of the year...Oscar night. I had the pleasure of watching the event with friends and family, and the following is a collection of our thoughts and comments because let's face it, we're just so damn funny.
Haley Joel Osment...Child actors are creepy. Ok, so you were good in "The Sixth Sense", I'll give you that, but you're 11 years old and you shmooze like you've been doing it for years. I read about how you cried when you lost the Golden Globe for like thirty minutes and Harrison Ford had to go and console you. My friends all think I'm the devil for thinking you are a spoiled brat for that, but I do. At least you didn't cry at the Oscars. Start acting your age and I'll like you more. Because my approval is everything.
Joan Rivers, you are insane. What was up with that reference in the beginning to dildos and Depends? Gross. She is such a hag, I don't quite understand the appeal of having her critique clothing and interviewing celebrities.
Hillary Swank...I've already discussed the sharp and pointy chin that is going to take someone's eye out if she's not careful, but damn, it was like she filed it razor sharp last night with an emory board. I wanted Julianne Moore to win, so I'm even more bitter about her getting the Oscar. I just cannot take anyone seriously that played Steve's girlfriend on 90210. Sorry.
Clint Eastwood...when did he get his eyes sewn shut? Because I know he's old and everything, but I could not see any eyeballs in those sockets. I also liked how he totally did NOT want a drunken Meredith Viera to sit on his lap. Who can blame him? The dis was awesome.
Jude Law...I love my boyfriend with all my heart, but this boy is one fine piece of ass. Jude, you have officially replaced Ricky Martin in my heart.
Michael Caine...What an awesome acceptance speech. It seemed totally genuine and from the heart, and so appropriate considering how good the competition was. Genuine class, much like Alec Guinness. (First person who gets the reference and signs my guestbook with it gets a cookie. Actually my guestbook has been a total ghost town lately, so it's really just a pathetic attempt at generating entries.)
Blame Canada...First of all, how cool is it that this song was even nominated? And then Trey Parker and Matt Stone show up wearing the Jennifer Lopez scarf dress and Gwyneth's stupid pink dress from last year, which was classic...definetly one of the highlights of the evening. AND THEN FUCKING PHIL COLLINS WINS?!?!? I knew "Blame Canada" didn't have a snowball's chance in hell, but "Save Me" is a beautiful song, and Aimee Mann was fucking robbed.
Kevin Spacey...I like Kevin, but who was this woman with him? He's gay right?
Angelina Jolie...She is disgusting. I know a lot of people like her, but she is so gross. I just....ugh, I can't talk about it.
Ok, I just popped open a beer and suddenly the inspiration to discuss my feelings about Angelina Jolie has appeared. Ok, this is why I don't like her. First of all, what is up with her and her brother? She brings him on stage with her when she wins the Golden Globe, which is fine, I can accept that. I'm sure the view WAS spectacular, and very cool of her to want to share that with him. But then last night she's going on about how much she loves him, and then I even hear that they were making out? They were acting way more like boyfriend and girlfriend than brother and sister. So this all fits in to my theory that she is the most calculating person around. "Ooh, I'm crazy, I cut myself, I carved my ex-husband's name on my stomach and like to play with knives."
March 24...Man, I'm really slacking in the update department. It's remarkable, but today is the first day in a long time that I'm actually not dreading something. I got the problem with the agency fee resolved with my boss (in my favor, I might add), next Friday should be my last day at Job from Hell, work is going great at my new job, and even school, which is a real pain in the ass right now, isn't freaking me out too much. I don't know what it is, but I like it. I am usually such a ball of anxiety that this feeling of relaxation is weird, for lack of a better word.
I have come to notice recently that I am turning into a xenophobe. Virtually every other country gets on my nerves in some form or another.
1. Canada...when I think of Canada, I think of wimps, maple leaves and mounties.
2. Mexico...cheap drinks (which is a plus), dirt, fearing for your life.
3. England...people with extreme superiority complexes and dickheads.
4. France...don't even get me started. The Frogs have got to be the worst people of the bunch. Arrogance without anything to back it up.
5. Belgium...how can I have something against Belgium, you might be thinking? Belgians don't know their heads from their asses. Period.
6. United States...don't think I was going to leave out our wonderful country. The US is full of fat, self-indulgent whiners who feel the need to parade around constantly bragging about the merits of their "great" country, when the US has got social problems up the wazoo. What's a wazoo anyway?
I know these are generalizations, but fuck it. In my old age I find I have more in common with Archie Bunker than I ever thought possible.
March 21...I need a break. I need a serious vacation from reality. I need to get away from the constant bullshit I am forced to deal with. Let me summarize it for you briefly:
1. Boss at shit job is now being a dick about repaying the $2,500 employment agency fee. Is trying to weild what little power he has in a futile attempt to make me pay for (gasp) sticking up for myself. Had me very upset all day but now I've decided he can put it in his pipe and smoke it. (Side note: evil boss in all probability has access to my website. Most likely is not a wise move to say all of this. I no longer care.)
2. Co-workers at new job seem to despise me. Don't know why. Perhaps because I am the boss' daughter? I don't walk around like a prima donna with a tiara on my head so I don't know what gives. Although I would look pretty bitchin in a tiara. Yesterday there was a dead cockroach under my desk. Something tells me it was put there to send me message. Like a second-rate version of the moosehead in the bed. I PICKED A DEAD COCKROACH UP OFF THE FLOOR GODDAMNIT! Do you know what courage and bravery I had to summon to do that?
3. My hair is gross. This may sound petty and trivial but trust me, it's not. I have major issues with my hair, one bad hair day can plunge me into the pits of despair.
4. I have no clean clothes. Something within me will not let me do laundry, even though there is a washer and dryer 10 yards away. I look at the baskets of dirty clothes laying on my bedroom floor and cannot summon the energy to just wash them already. I haven't had a pair of clean underwear in three days, so I've been freeballing (without the balls) and it just feels sick and wrong.
5. I hate school. I am sick sick sick of school. I have a degree already, why am I forcing myself to go back and get another one? I haven't studied in three weeks. I don't care anymore.
6. I can't even bother to write six.
Poor me. I know, I know, who wants to hear my tales of woe. But maybe now you understand a little better my reluctance to update lately.
March 17...So I was just informed last night that I have to work on Saturday. Great. Can't think of a better way to spend the only fucking day that I have off every week. As happy as I am to be at my new job, I am having to deal with office politics that are completely out of proportion to the situation at hand. I've never quite understood people that care so much about the little, piddly shit that goes on at work. Office gossip is usually so boring and predictable, that I really find it hard to believe that anyone can be titillated by it. But I guess that's just part of life. You think people would mature by the time they reach their 40's, but instead it seems like this behaviour is exacerbated.
So my spring break came and went without much fanfare. Someone I worked with asked me if I was going to the beach this weekend. I was dumbfounded by the question. I have always hated the whole spring break mentality. I like to drink and have fun as much as the next person, but I'd like to think I can keep my dignity while doing it. (And to everyone who knows me in real life, shut up.) It certainly would be nice to be able to get away for a week, but it just ain't in the cards.
Yesterday I caught myself tapping my foot to the Britney Spears tune "Baby, One More Time". Now why the hell am I tapping my foot to ANY song? Next thing you know I'll be sitting in a rocking chair with my dentures in a glass next to me. I don't think I need to point out the horror that I felt when I realized that while my brain has an aversion to her, my feet seem to like her brand of bubble-gum drivel. It was a very scary realization.
I am very upset with eBay right now. I am a freak about getting feedback, even though I've only bought three things on there in my life. I want commments, damnit! So I bought a book a couple of weeks ago, received it last week, the check I sent has cleared my bank, left comments for the person who mailed it to me, and NOTHING. I even sent her an email a couple of days ago asking her very nicely to give me feedback and she didn't respond. I guess I'm not worth her precious time. Bitch. I'm going to go back and change her comments.
Last night I watched "Friends" because it is one of my many guilty pleasures, and I noticed how annoying Monica has become. It seems like ever since that chick married David Arquette she has become just as annoying as he is. What's up with that?
March 15...I think money has got to be the world's worst thing to worry about. I am currently in that boat and it really sucks. I have been sitting here trying to think of something to write about but all that will go through my mind is "How am I going to pay this bill?" and "Will my credit ever be good again?". Not the stuff of which humor is made. I try and tell myself that I have my health, my relationship with my boyfriend is better than ever, I have a great job now and wonderful friends and family...but all that seems insignificant when I have to worry about being hauled off to debtor's jail. Alright, it's not quite that bad, but you get the idea.
I have started and deleted about three paragraphs now, which tells me that today is not a good day for updating. You know what would cheer me up? Donations to the Get Lisa Out of Debt fund. Send me an email and I'll tell you where to send the money. I can't promise anything in return except my undying gratitude. But what other reward would you need?
March 13...Last night my dad invited me over for dinner. Occassions like these are very exciting for me, because I don't know how to cook, don't want to learn, and jump at the chance for a home-cooked meal whenever the opportunity presents itself. So it turns out that he made pot roast, which is fine with me, because I love pot roast and it was mighty tasty. After dinner, he says "I was going to grill some steaks, but then I remembered you said you had been craving pot roast so I decided to make this instead." I know I am a very ungrateful child for saying this, but goddamn, I would have much rather had steak than pot roast. Who knows when I'll get to eat steak again. It was a very sad moment for me, I hope you understand.
I wish I knew how to cook. Really, I do. But when I get home from work at 6:00, the prospect of taking an hour to prepare something isn't the most appealing. If you're tired and hungry, what sounds better--a five minute drive to Taco Bell or an hour on your feet in the kitchen making something that won't even taste as good? That's what I thought. Every previous attempt at cooking resulted in either dishes that were burnt or not done all the way. It's quite sad.
March 12...I think I'm going to have to change "Daily Dirt" to "Updates Written When I'm Not Ridiculously Busy/Feeling Uncreative/At Work", because they will most certainly NOT be daily for a long time. We don't have internet access at my new job, and while at first this fact was a little hard to grasp, I think in the long run it will be for my own good. No one should spend 6 hours a day on the internet...there just isn't enough quality content out there to justify that, and I think my corneas were starting to melt. So during this period of working six days a week and going to school on the seventh, I promise to update at least once a week. That's the best I can do.
Last night I watched Good Will Hunting. I like that movie, even though Matt Damon and Ben Affleck generally annoy me. But the one thing that stood out was their accents. Ok, I get it, you're from working class Boston, but if I had to hear "Let's get in the cah and drive to the bah" for much longer I was going to lose it. Accents coming out of the mouth's of people who don't normally speak them are distracting and irritating. It is rare that an actor can make you forget that's not how they really speak. Meryl Streep can do accents. Pipsqueaks like Matt and Ben sound retarded, and they should cut it out.
As much as I love each and every one of you, I am now going to go enjoy the rest of my Sunday. It's not often that it's 70 degrees and sunny around here. Gotta make the most of it.
March 8...I live along the Mexican border. Consequently, there are a large number of Mexicans in
the area, and with that comes a lot of spanish speaking. Now, we all know that the United
States has no official language.
As a result, no one HAS to learn english if they don't want to.
If you don't want an education, to get a good job or to generally get ahead in
society, don't learn english. This is probably just fine for most people...who needs the
extra competition? Besides, there will always be a market for maids and gardeners, which
are the only jobs you're qualified for if you can't speak english.
A judge in the area has come under attack recently for suggesting to people who appeared
in his courtroom that they learn english. He never said they HAD to, he simply expressed
the concern that by not knowing english, you will never escape the poverty that you
presumably were trying to get out of by coming to the United States. There are free english
classes located in libraries all over the county, so cost should not be an issue. Instead,
members of the spanish speaking community who have a degree of power and wealth
(and who also speak
english, I might add) have gotten their panties in a wad and have protested how "racist" it
is for this judge to make this suggestion.
Now I have certainly heard of some stupid things in my life, but this must top them all. How
on earth could anyone presume that suggesting someone learn english be racist? It's not as
if this judge told them they could never speak spanish again and must give up their culture
and way of life. He just said what is a simple fact...that by not speaking english, a person
will never be able to get ahead economically.
It's as if people are so afraid to step on other's toes that any implication, no matter
how much of a strech it is, that one race is better than another is instantly attacked. For anyone to say that learning english isn't important goes against common
logic. Not to sound too nationalistic, but isn't the goal of coming to America
for most people to discover "the American dream"? How can
you
blame the white man for putting you down when you keep yourself
isolated?
Face it, english may not be the official language of the US, but it's
the
official language of the global business community.
Assimilation is necessary if anyone hopes to make it. That's just the way it is. Sit on your porch
step all day long and bitch about how oppressed you are, but don't blame anyone but yourself if you're not trying to do anything about it.
This isn't racist, just realist.
March 7...Do you ever start to gain weight and then immediately try and find excuses to justify it? My latest excuse is aging. It's totally logical...I'm 25, my metabolism is slowing down, and all of a sudden I've got a huge ass. I never used to have a butt at all, but now I've got a total ghetto booty. But I can deal, butts are good, right? I like big butts and I cannot lie, and all that nonsense.
Which would all be fine and dandy except that my jeans aren't fitting anymore. And I refuse to buy any in a bigger size because that would be admitting that the weight gain is permanent. My vanity won't let me do that, so instead I just don't wear my jeans as much. Actually, what happens is when I put them on in the morning, they fit...it's only after I eat something that they feel too tight. Which I guess means it's my stomach and not my butt that is too big, but if I didn't have this ass it wouldn't be an issue.
I'm sure you all are totally fascinated by my lard problems.
March 6...While I certainly have my fair share of irrational fears, one that I've never been able to understand is the fear of flying. When I was younger, I used to get really excited at the thought of taking a plane ride, "ride" being the operative word. It was thrilling to have a window seat, to feel the rush of the engine as you were taking off. The only time I ever felt the least bit of fear was when the plane would fly through a cloud. I didn't understand how the pilot was able to see, and would worry that maybe we would hit another plane.
As I got older and flying became more frequent, it lost its thrill. It especially got old when I was able to experience the joy of intercontinental flight wedged in a little coach seat for ten hours. But lately I've noticed that flying tends to make me nervous. I wouldn't call myself phobic, but the prospect of flying is now anxiety inducing. My palms get a little sweaty during takeoff, and the little noises that all planes make will cause me to listen with all my concentration to make sure everything is normal. Turbulence scares me, and even though I realize that the chances of crashing because of it are slim to none, it's a very unsettling feeling when it gets so bad the flight attendants have to sit down.
But the best assurance I had when I would start to get nervous is that the airline I usually travel with, Southwest Airlines, has never crashed. Never. Until last night when a plane in California skidded off the runway, crashed through a wall, onto a highway and came to a stop 100 feet from a gas station. Nobody died and there were minor injuries, but now I can't rely on Southwest's faultless flying record to soothe my fears.
March 3...Although I should be studying for my mid-terms right now, I am finding any way to procrastinate. So of course I've turned to my friend, my lover...Internette.
And I'm going to have to talk behind my dear friend's back now. Internette and I are having a tiff. She is getting on my nerves like you wouldn't believe! She used to be such a good friend, making the work day pass more quickly, making me laugh, making me cry. But lately I have come to the conclusion that behind her glittery facade lies...nothing.
I find myself getting annoyed with all the content out there. Surely in her vast wasteland lies something more than personal homepages made by 12 year olds and online journals that bore you to tears. Please people, have pity on me and send me a link to something worthwhile. I hate Internette giving me the cold shoulder.
Does anyone want to adopt a cat? I am reaching the breaking point with mine. Her new game is coming into the bedroom and meowing incessantly at around 6:15 a.m. I stumbled out of bed to her food bowl, eyes half shut, to find out the little shit had plenty of food. What the hell did she want? I couldn't get it out of her. I should have never given her a taste of freedom and let her go outside. Now that's all she wants to do. I can't let her outside because she brings in fleas. She fails to understand this. It's driving me mad.
Ok, I'm going to try and study now.
March 2...So last night I watched Madonna on TRL (what a horrible, horrible show) and as I was watching I came to the realization that I am a total gay man. My love for Madonna is bizarre, out of control, and totally at odds with the rest of my preferences. I can't help it, ever since the day in elementary school when I bought lace gloves with the fingers cut out at The Wild Pair I have wanted to be her. I will buy magazines with her picture on the cover just to read a little snippet of what she has to say. And it's not like she's ever profound, even though she tries like hell to be. I even make fun of her bizarre english accent (please Maddie, cut it out, you're embarrassing all of us), I concur that she is not the most gifted of singers, but all of that is irrelevant to me. For the love of God people, I bought the Evita soundtrack. This is reaching desperate levels.
But her new single "American Pie"...ugh. What was she thinking? It sounds ridiculous coming out of her mouth. Madonna is not about "good old boys drinking whisky and rye", she is about Prada and Versace and being a glamorous icon. So ick! Don't do it again.
Thoughts for the day
1. Who does Kid Rock think he is? How long has this dude been around? And already he's making "touring is hard" videos? You know the kind I'm talking about...they used to be the domain of heavy metal hair bands in the 80's, but now anyone can do them. Usually filmed in black and white, they show the juxtaposition between the lonliness and debauchery that is touring. You get the shot of the band sleeping on the tour bus, the slow motion stage scene where usually a shower of sweat will fly off the singer, the trashed hotel room, the groupies disappearing into a dressing room while the rock star flashes a sly grin to the camera. They are so played out and predictable, but usually they come much later in a musician's career. Isn't this like the second song from this piece of trailer trash?
2. Bad music comes in pairs. Think about it...you've got N'Sync and Backstreet Boys who are clones of each other. Yes, all you teenyboppers, they are the SAME FUCKING BAND for all intents and purposes, you will never convince me otherwise. You've got Britney and Christina, and while Christina admittedly has a better voice than Britney, she's still heinous. And then there's Mandy Moore and Jessica Simpson...who the hell can tell these chicks apart? I'm telling you, it's all related.
3. Didn't anybody learn from Vanilla Ice?
Eminem...what a loser. Not only is this guy the epitome of all that is bad about wiggers and white boys trying to act hard, but he has the most annoying voice in all of creation. That whine...how can anyone stand it for a prolonged period of time? And then I hear he puts down women in his songs, and I wonder where the hell he gets off acting like that. Why is he popular? What is wrong with you people?
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