Dedicated to Joey McIntyre for giving me the inspiration for this story. And of course to Roxann Dawson, Robert McNeil and the rest of the Voyager cast and crew.

A swirl of darkness in front of him was the only thing he could make out. It was so cold, yet so hot. He was running..he could make out that much. He was alone..and running. In the dark. Out of the mist, a figure emerged. B'Elanna.

Her beautiful face was contorted in rage, and her eyes looked almost demonic. "Tom," she growled, outstretching her arms to his throat. Her long nails protruded through his neck. He felt warm blood coursing down his neck. -his- blood.

"B'Elanna!" he struggled to choke. His wife stopped, looking at him, then tightening her grip around his neck. He felt all his breath leave his body, and he lost consciousness.

***

~Do you remember
How we'd hold each other tight?
It was all I had
To get me through the night~

Tom awoke in a cold sweat. He grabbed his throat desperately trying to stop the flow of blood. When he pulled his hands back to look at them, he discovered no blood. Sighing heavily, he sunk down in his bed. A dream. A horrible dream.

How he wanted to reach next to him and put his arms around B'Elanna, letting her comfort him. But B'Elanna wasn't there. And she wouldn't ever be there again. She had filed for a divorce. There was nothing he could do now to persuade her to give him another chance.

He had failed. She was miserable, and it was his fault. She deserved the world. Much more than he could ever give her. But he still wished he could try. In her delicate condition..her pregnancy..she didn't need any more emotional strain. But she was so damn stubborn.

Tom looked over on the table beside his bed. Her wedding ring lay there, along with the divorce notice. He squeezed his eyes shut and a single tear slipped down his cheek.

***

~I can't believe that you are gone
Everything right, it all went wrong~

*Beep! Beep! Beep!*
*Bam!*

Tom rose, rubbing his sore fist from where he's smashed the clock. That was definitely a B'Elanna move, and he knew it. Everything was making him think of her. He dressed in his uniform and quickly went down to the bridge. Janeway and Chakotay were in their usual positions, and as Tom walked in, they gave him sympathetic smiles. Janeway rose and walked slowly to him, a sad smile on her face.

"Tom..uh..I'm sorry. The divorce went through. It's official," she lowered her head and rested a hand on his shoulder. Chakotay rose and put an arm on Janeway's shoulder. She moved away, making room for him.

"Tom." he said, pulling the man into a tight hug. Tom's eyes welled up, but he choked back the tears before they spilled over. Chakotay pounded him on the back with his palm, tightening the hug. They pulled away, and Chakotay eyed Tom. "I think you should take the day of, Lieutenant."

Choking in the last of his tears, Tom shook his head. "No. I'm fine," he lied. When Chakotay opened his mouth to protest, Tom interrupted him. "I'm fine."

"You're sure?" Janeway piped up.

"Positive."

"Okay. Then get to work," Janeway said. Her words were biting, but her voice was warm.

~Do you remember how we kissed?
You said you never felt like this
I guess I thought it'd never end
You know that you were my best friend~

The halls carried an aching familiarness. Every room held some significance to the love they shared. There wasn't one inch of the ship that didn't hold memories. Their first kiss in the mess hall, their first time in his room, the conceiving of their child in Holodeck 1..

The list could go on forever. He heard the faint echo of footsteps coming toward him. He turned to see B'Elanna walking at a steady pace. His heart soared momentarily, but quickly fell back again. She brushed past him, not even acknowledging his presence. He grabbed her shoulders and spun her around to face him. Her hands flew out, barely missing his face. He was used to her bouts of temper, so he expertly dodged them.

"Woah! Easy!" he said, loosening his grip. She relaxed slightly, but continued to eye him cautiously. She knew how he could be when he was upset. This was hard enough on her. She had made her decision. She didn't need Tom Paris looking at her with those sexy blue eyes and that sad, puppy dog expression. She wouldn't rethink the divorce. She would not.

"I–I'm sorry," she stammered. For a brief second, she was overcome with an immense sadness. What had happened to them? To their love? How did it turn into this? Everything had been so perfect between the two of them. They had taken their limited surroundings and circumstances on Voyager and turned it into an environment of love, understanding, and hope. They had been married and she was now pregnant with his child. A child conceived in love. How had love suddenly come out to be like this? What had changed? Why was she now so empty inside? Where had the love gone?

"Can we talk? I..I know we're officially divorced now, but I'd still like to talk to you," he said, almost pleadingly. His eyes glistened with the tears he had yet to shed and he was silently screaming for just five minutes with her. Just five minutes to try and get him to understand why it was over. They'd only been married for four short years. Why, now, was it over?

"Maybe later, Tom," she said doubtfully, not trusting herself to be alone with him. "I have to get to Engineering. There's a problem with the warp core and Janeway asked me to take a look at it," she explained. Tom's face fell and he scuffed his shoes together. He looked back up at her from partially lowered eyelids and nodded.

"Okay. Later." She nodded curtly and dodged quickly past him before he could see the tears spill from her eyes.

~I cried
And I don't care who knows it
I cried
I aint too proud to show it~

"Tom!"

Tom spun around to see Harry Kim approaching him. His friend held a PADD in his hand and wore a grim expression on his face. "Harry," Tom acknowledged gloomily.

"This is yours. It was in the trash bin," he said, handing him the PADD. Tom looked it over. It was the letter he had written to B'Elanna the day she had agreed to marry him.

***B'Elanna,

You know me. You know that when it comes to expressing my feelings, I could use a lot of help. I'm no good at telling people how I feel face to face. I always find a way to screw it all up. But somehow, I know that you understand.

But still, I have to write this. I don't want the possibility of any screw ups. I love you. It's as simple as that. I've known now for a long time that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but I never realized just how much until you agreed to marry me. I love you so much that the thought of a life without you is bleak. A life without you is not worth living.

Before I met you, my life was dark, and I cut out everyone from my life. I shut myself off from all emotions, and I let myself live in a world without real love. My whole life, I've been afraid of letting anyone see what's inside. I've been afraid that they would be disappointed in what they saw there. I didn't let anyone in on the feelings, thoughts, hopes, and dreams of my life. They all seemed silly until I met you and shared them with you.

I know now as I sit here and write this to you that you are my best friend. You are my confidante and my soul mate. I don't think I can express that enough. It doesn't seem like anything I could ever say or do can make you understand what you mean to me.

I love you, Lanna.

Love,

Tom***

He finished reading the letter and was instantly wracked with sobs. The tears he'd been holding back spilled over and he sunk to the ground, feeling as if someone was ripping him in two. God..he had meant the words then and he still meant them now. God how he loved her..

Harry's arms were instantly around him, holding him, letting him cry. He had never seen a relationship like B'Elanna and Tom's. It was rocky and turbulent to say the least, but it was also the warmest and most loving relationship Harry had ever had the fortune to witness. He knew how taken with B'Elanna Tom was, and he knew how bad his friend was hurting. Tom's tears burned like liquid fire onto Harry's uniform. They seemed to have no end. Finally, after a good fifteen minutes of steady crying, Tom lifted his head and gazed around with blurry vision. He stood shakily and regarded harry warmly.

"Thank you. I needed that. If you don't mind, I think I'm going to go to my quarters. I..I really need to be alone," he said, his voice quaking with each word. He absently ran the back of his hand past his nose and wiped the remainder of the tears from his eyes. Before Harry could say a word, Tom turned on his heels and pounded down the corridor to his quarters.

***

~I cried
When you said goodbye
Ooh baby, I cried~

That night at dinner, Harry was torn. Tom and B'Elanna were sitting alone at separate tables. He hated the position he had inadvertently been forced into. On one hand, Tom was a true friend who was obviously hurting. Yet on the other hand, B'Elanna was an equally good friend who was meaner than hell when she felt betrayed. He sighed. It was a lose-lose situation. He finally settled into a table by himself.

"May I join you?" a formal voice asked. He turned to see Seven of Nine.

"Seven! Certainly," Harry said, pulling out a chair for her.

***

~I wonder if you ever think of me
Or am I just another distant memory~

Tom gazed across the hall at B'Elanna sitting alone at a table, picking at Neelix's blue pudding. Her head was bent down low and her eyes were glued on her spoon. Harry came into the room and scanned the people inside it. He watched as Harry sat down alone at a table. Tom sighed, finally understanding what this divorce was doing to their mutual friends.

"Tom?" Tom looked up to see Captain Janeway standing above him. She had a tray in her hands and a worried expression on her face. "Can I sit down?" she asked. Tom shrugged.

"Sure."

Janeway pulled out the chair and set her tray on the table. She lowered herself onto the chair and propped her chin up in her hand. "Tom. Talk to me," she coaxed gently. She had never seen him like this. So quiet and reserved. She wanted to pull the truth out of him. Wanted to see him cry like she knew he should. Hell, like he knew he should.

"Nothing to say," he said gloomily. He was in no mood to discuss his love life with the captain.

"Tom, listen to me. I know how much you're hurting right now. Pushing me away isn't going to make either of you feel better about this."

Tom's head popped up and he eyed the captain. "What makes you think B'Elanna is upset about any of this? She's the one who wanted this. Not me," he snapped.

"She must have been upset to do something like this, Tom. Look at her over there," she said, moving to the side slightly so Tom could take a look at the sullen B'Elanna. "Think about it," she advised, rising. He watched the back of the departing Janeway as she sat with Harry and Seven. He sighed and returned to his depression. The captain was probably right, but he wasn't anywhere near ready to accept that.

~After all that we've been through
It's just so hard to give up on you~

B'Elanna watched Captain Janeway rise from Tom's table and depart to Harry and Seven's. Everyone was consoling Tom, comforting him, but no one was saying a word to her. *Well, B'Elanna, that's because you brought this on yourself. You divorced him, not the other way around.* She sighed and defiantly stuck a spoonful of blue pudding into her mouth, almost gagging at the disgusting flavor that flooded her mouth. No. she wasn't going to let it show that she was in pain.

She rose and walked to the counter, dumping her container. She grabbed a drink and walked over to the nearest table. "Captain. Harry. Seven," she said, acknowledging her friends. They all looked surprised, but smiled warmly. "Mind if I have a seat? That table of one was getting mighty lonely," she joked.

"Sure. The more the merrier," Harry said, standing and pulling out a chair for her. She sat down gratefully.

"Thank you."

"So, B'Elanna.." Janeway began, trying to find a subject that would be comfortable for the chief engineer. "How is the warp core coming?"

***

~I cried
And I don't care who knows it
I cried
I aint too proud to show it~

"You can't ignore me anymore," Tom said, stepping in front of B'Elanna as she was preparing to leave the mess hall. Her hands moved to her slim hips and she shot him a withering glare. She shifted her weight and attempted to move past him.

"I'm sorry, Tom. But I have to go. Now move out of my way," her last words were clipped with annoyance as he moved to block her from leaving. "Come on, Tom. I've got to get back to Engineering."

"Well, Engineering will just have to wait," he retorted. "I'm sick of you pushing me away, B'Elanna. I just want to talk to you, dammit!"

B'Elanna's eyes filled with tears and she stiffened. "Tom, I don't want to fight with you. I really don't I just want—" she stopped abruptly and clutched her stomach. Her face contorted in pain and she doubled over, suddenly feeling faint. Tom's strong arms were automatically around her, holding her up. Out of sheer reflex he asked, "B'Elanna, honey, what is it? What's wrong?"

She paled considerably and she weakly replied, "The baby."

That was all it took. "Come on. We gotta get you to Sickbay," she didn't protest as he slipped her arm over his shoulder and shifted her weight onto him. He helped her, moaning and clutching her stomach, all the way to Sickbay where they were greeted by the Holodoc.

"Lieutenant Torres! What's the problem?" he asked, pulling her over to the examining table and pulling out his tricorder.

"The baby," she gasped. Her brow was damp with sweat and her cheeks with tears of pain. The light on the tricorder blinked as he ran it over her.

"It's nothing too serious. You're just going into labor," he said, a smile on his face.

"Labor? But..but it's too early!" she protested, propping herself up on her elbows to look at the Doc incredulously. Tom's eyes widened as he looked down at the bulge in B'Elanna's jacket. Not a very large bulge.. In fact, she was only six months pregnant.

"It's premature," the Doc explained. "And it's a very persistent little thing. It wants out -now-," he said. Tom moved in front of the Doc and said in a low voice, "Doctor..is the baby okay? Is Lanna okay?" he was still calling her Lanna...

"They're both fine, Mr. Paris," the Holodoc assured him in an equally low voice. He smiled reassuringly and returned his focus to B'Elanna. "This will be a speedy delivery."

~I cried
When you said goodbye
I cried
And I don't care who knows it~

B'Elanna was trying to concentrate on her breathing. She took long, labored breaths and let them out, following the Doc's exact orders. Tom was standing above her, holding her hand and barely flinching when she squeezed during a contraction. He was being so wonderful, wiping the sweat from her brow and murmuring soothing words in her ear. A particularly painful contraction came and she screamed, squeezing Tom's hand as hard as she could. She heard the distinctive sound of breaking bones, and guiltily released his hand.

Tom looked at his hand in disbelief. "Well, B'Elanna, you have a very strong grip," he joked, trying to ignore the throbbing in his hand. "How about holding my other hand now?"

"I..I'm sor–sorry," she gasped as the pain subsided.

"That's okay," he said, offering his other hand. He grabbed for a stool, despite the pain in his hand, and sat down.

"Well..you wanted to talk, and I'm not going anywhere for at least another hour..so you'd better get it out now," she said, wincing slightly. Tom chuckled and stroke her hand with his thumb.

"I just wanted to know why the divorce even happened."

"If you didn't know, then why did you agree?"

"I didn't want to agree. Believe me I didn't. But you wanted it. And I had to respect your decision," as he was talking, he absently noticed the tears that had began rolling down his cheeks. "I love you so much, B'Ella. I don't understand how a love this strong could be unreturned."

"God, Tom. It's not unreturned," she moaned, locking eyes with him. She noticed for the first time the dark circles under his eyes. She noticed the lines in his forehead and the sad look in his eyes. He was taking this harder than she had imagined. "I know this is going to sound corny, but it's me. It's not you. I know I sound like a classic line.." she trailed off as another wave of pain crashed over her. Recovering, she continued. "I couldn't take it anymore. I just didn't understand."

"Understand what?"

"Why you loved me," she replied, her voice softening. For the first time, he really saw her. Small and vulnerable on the table.

"Why I loved you? My god, B'Elanna. I loved you for so many reasons. I can't begin to say them all," he said, tenderly releasing his hand from hers and running his palm over her tear-stained cheek.

"I didn't know how I could ever be what you deserved. And you have to understand, Tom. I was raised my whole life to run away from intimacy. That it could only hurt me. So when I started feeling things for you that scared the shit out of me, I didn't know what else to do but pull away," she admitted, squinting through the tears. "Ah!" she screamed suddenly.

"Push!" Doc yelled. "It's coming!"

~I cried
I aint too proud to show it
I cried
When you said goodbye~

"I see the head!" Doc called. "A little more."

"You can do it," Tom said, taking her hand again. She smiled up at him and pushed again.

"It's coming! One more push should do it!" The room was suddenly filled with the sound of a baby's cries. "It's a girl! And it's very healthy!" Doc exclaimed, cutting the umbilical cord of the infant and cleaning her off with a towel. He handed her to B'Elanna and smiled at the happy parents. It was almost as if they had forgotten that they were divorced.

"What are you going to name her?"

"Angelina Marie," they answered in unison. The instant Angelina was set into B'Elanna's arms, she stopped crying. She reached up with her tiny hands and grabbed a fistful of hair. B'Elanna laughed and rubbed her thumb over Angelina's slight cranial ridges. They were nothing more than slight bumps. B'Elanna smiled up at Tom. "Well..do you want to hold your daughter?" she asked.

"I sure do," he grinned, accepting the bundle from its mother.

~When you said goodbye
I cried
I cried~

As he was holding his beautiful daughter in his arms, Tom seemed to forget the pain of the past few weeks. He just concentrated on the angelic form in his arms. Her hair was a sandy brown and her skin was pale and creamy. Her little toes were pointy (just like Tom's) and her hands were delicate like B'Elanna's.

"Tom?" B'Elanna murmured drowsily. Tom shifted his attention to B'Elanna.

"Yes?"

"I love you," she said before falling into a deep sleep.

"I love you, too," he whispered, kissing her forehead.

Two months later

"Do you think things can ever be the same?" B'Elanna asked as she was rocking Angelina to sleep.

Tom glanced up from the chair he was sitting in and regarded B'Elanna with surprise. "As in our marriage or friendship?"

"Both."

"It's hard to say. I think the key is to take it slow," he said, hating himself for saying the words. He didn't want to take it slow. But he knew it was best.

"You're right," she said. She placed Angelina down in the crib and kissed the baby gently. She the joined Tom by the chair. He patted his lap, and she sat down. She was already pounds lighter. She leaned in and gave him a small kiss on the lips. "A kiss to grow on," she teased.

"Yes," he agreed, kissing her again. A kiss to grow on."

T
H
E
END

Copyright © October 1999 by Alicia Torres on all original story content. Not meant to infringe on copyrights held by Paramount or any other copyrights that may be infringed on. 'I Cried' can be found on Joey McIntyre's CD, 'Stay the Same' by C2Records. Please do not reproduce any part of this story without written consent from the author. Any and all comments can be sent to J0J0_77@hotmail.com