Buddy is a low-key, dry wit comedian. One of his expressions of mock self-righteous offense is, “Well, I never…”. He throws his neck back, raises his eyebrows, and tilts his nose upwards. It never fails to bow me over with laughter.
The word “never” is one of those absolutes you can’t quibble with. Yesterday I was pondering things I have never done, not that they are necessarily regrettable.
Not ever or at no time have I drunk whiskey. While there are other reasons I am a tee-totaler, I understand that whiskey is highly concentrated with calories. I have imbibed enough zero-caloried diet colas in my lifetime to fill the town’s water tank. Ironically, my few whiskey-drinking acquaintances are skinny rails. I am as plump as a Georgia peach on Miracle-Gro. Go figure.
I have never jumped from an airplane though I have piloted several. My piloting expertise is definitely in the air. One fall morning I taxied a Cessna into a telephone pole. The worst part was calling Buddy to explain how I accomplished this amazing feat.
I have never been on a lobster-trapping vessel, but got up once at 3:00 a.m. to go bass fishing with my daddy in a tiny, patched-up wooden boat. He had three sons, but he chose me that day.
I have never seen a stack of million dollar bills, but neither have I begged for bread or lacked for a warm bed.
The “nevers” for me are never-ending.
I have never walked on the moon or been mugged on earth.
I have never been to Ethiopia or New Zealand, but have been to Israel, Mexico, Bermuda, Italy and Kosciusko, Mississippi.
I never heard an unkind word from my grandmother.
I have never been bitten by a snake, but when I was twelve, my mischievous older brother chased me all over the house with a huge wiggly rubber moccasin. My heart has never been the same since.
I never pay retail or cry uncle.
Guess I am the Queen of Never-Never Land until the 12th of Never. Nevertheless and never more of this never-ending nonsense.
*******************
