Cures for insomnia ...

Cures for insomnia ...
Cures for insomnia ...
Here you'll find movies so completely underwhelming that even I couldn't get worked up enough about them to write a full review. I still thought you should be warned, however.
The House of Mirth - This is a two and a half hour shot of Nyquil masquerading as a period drama. Those of you who are fans of the ponderous prose associated with the Brontes or Jane Austen and apaprently Edith Wharton, enjoy. For the rest of us, oy. This tedious drama is enough to shut the lids of even the most hopeless insomniac. X-philes, resist the urge to see Gillian Anderson in a different sort of role. The casting of this film seemed to be along the lines of: "Let's get the strangest array of people we can possibly think of to play these parts. Anderson is capable once you get used to the new setting. Eric Stoltz projects so much smarminess he comes off as a turn of the century Craig Kilborn, except less patronizing. Dan Ackroyd hasn't shown this much range since "Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute". The rest of the cast sinks into the background like so much Victorian frilly stuff. Leave this to the literary types.
Battlefield Earth - I knew it was bad, but I didn't think it could be as abysmal as it actually was. For chrissakes, why did I have to prove to myself that I could handle it? Why, when I have a five page paper on Antony and Cleopatra to do? Why, when I have a 2,000 word essay on Night of the Living Dead to write? Why, when I have to fabricate four weeks worth of journal entries regarding the poetry of Seamus Heaney, why did I go home and watch this goddamn movie? This is bad. The acting is bad, some of the scenarios are so goddamn bad it's not even funny. Savages can learn how to fly harrier jets in a week, did you know that? They can also smelt raw gold into perfect bars with no equipment, did you know that? John Travolta can act, did you know that? Well you're gonna change your mind about that last item. He is so goddamn bad that you actually wish he was on screen all the time just so you can muster up some kind of reaction to this flick (and that would be hate, folks). And Forrest Whitaker, shame on you. This tripe and Ghost Dog in the same year? Be assured folks, this one is as bad as they say it is.
I Eat Your Skin - Mid sixties zombie flick that treads dangerously close to Jerry Warren territory. The interesting zombie makeup is about the only notable thing about this. A full review is here, and that's as close as you should ever come to watching this movie.
Meet Joe Black - Within five minutes of his first screen appearance in this film, Brad Pitt gets whacked by a truck and bounces off of a car in probably the most spectacular cinematic vehicular homicide I've ever seen. But then death takes his body and he comes back to force Anthony Hopkins to show him what life is like before he takes him. Damn. Along the way he falls in love with Hopkins' daughter but he can't stay, and he's got to kill her father, but everything ends up being o.k. in the feel good romantic finale. Now there's nothing wrong with watching Anthony Hopkins act, but after three hours even that gets boring. You hear me? Three friggin' hours! There's no way this movie should have been longer than an hour and a half, and you'll find yourself bogged down in subplot hell if you don't avoid this movie. And what's all this about death falling in love, anyway?! Halloween 8 might as well be a romantic comedy, I guess.
Cauldron of Blood - Not even the perseverance and dignity of Boris Karloff could save this one. One of the most tedious, tortuous movies I've ever seen. Karloff is a blind sculptor who is unknowingly using the body parts of people freshly killed by his wife and her lover in his work. Karloff is literally on his last legs here, and it's painful to watch. Also, the whole movie is apparently shot in Dr. Katz squiggle vision, a large factor in why it's not gettting a full review. For old crap Karloff, stick to The Terror or Die Monster, Die, this one will just give you a headache.
The 4th Floor - A tale of an apartment house of horrors with Juliette Lewis as the beleaguered tenant, William Hurt as her older weatherman boyfriend, and Shelley Duvall as the building busybody. It brings to mind Roman Polanksi's old apartment house terror flicks, but in a way that makes you think; "Goddamn, I wish I was watching Rosemary's Baby instead of this crap". On the plus side I think this is the first time I've seen Juliette Lewis as anything other that a moron, but shoddy writing turns her into one as the movie descends into cliche. Don't think for a minute that William Hurt lends this any credibility, he's a long way from Altered States.
Twin Falls, Idaho - To paraphrase the great Pete Townshend: If I smile, tell me some bad news or make me watch Twin Falls, Idaho because this is the most depressing movie I've ever seen. ANECDOTE ALERT!! I remember the movie night where we watched this. Movie night is usually a festive occasion, full of good friends, B movies, and Budweiser. MST-style commentary runs rampant and there's laughter aplenty. But then one night Twin Falls Idaho joined us. The laughter stopped. Strangely, so did much of the drinking. After it was over, we kind of looked at each other, silently. Suddenly, one of us leaped up, broke the glass on the emergency video box, and put in Bride of Chucky. And everything was alright. END ANECDOTE ALERT!! If you're thinking about ending it all, watch this movie and hurry the process along. Siamese twins are holed up in a hotel rom waiting to die. On their birthday they get a prostitute who falls in love with half of them. The other half gets sick and dies, the other half ends up living in a trailer. All manner of depressing things happen along the way. A cool cameo by Garrett Morris (of Saturday Night Live when it was truly funny) provides a bright spot which consists only of saying; "Look, it's Garrett Morris!" If you liked Dancer In the Dark you'll probably like this.
The Man Who Fell To Earth - A lot of people regard this as a classic, but I guess I'll never understand a lot of people. David Bowie is an alien who comes to Earth in order to bring back water to his home planet, but he gets rich and spends all his time getting shitfaced. I guess there's commentary about the evil trappings of commercialism and capitalism and decadence etc., etc., but it's just a boring movie that doesn't go anywhere. And if you didn't get enough of David Bowie's package in Labyrinth, you get full frontal here. So if boring sci-fi and naked David Bowie is your kind of thing, go for it. But for some reason I just don't see the appeal there.