"Jealous punks can't stop my dunks." ~ Shaquille O'Neal
"All we are saying is give peace a chance." ~John Lennon from Give Peace a Chance
"Love is essentially an abstract concept, easier to experience than to explain." ~Wilkipedia
"Why is it foods that are good for you taste bad and foods that are bad for you taste good?" ~Russell Bryan
"Love means never having to say you're sorry." ~Erich Segal
"Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." ~ Forrest Gump in the movie Forrest Gump
"You had me at 'dicks fuck ass holes.'" ~Lisa in the movie Team America
"Here's Johnny!" ~ Jack Torrance in The Shining
"I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!" ~ The Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz
"You're like a turd that won't flush." ~Dennis Hopper in Waterworld
"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son." ~ Dean Wormer in Animal House
"I immediately regret this decision." ~ Ron Burgundy in Anchorman
"You'll shoot your eye out, kid." ~ Santa Claus in The Christmas Story
"Money, so they say, is the root of all evil today. But if you ask for a rise it's no surprise that they're giving none away." ~ Roger Waters from Money
"Nothing is fucked? The goddamned plane has crashed into the mountain!" ~ Lebowski from The Big Lebowski
"Children today are tyrants. They contradict thier parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers." ~ Socrates
"There is nothing to fear but fear itself." ~ Franklin Roosevelt
"Quoth, the raven... nevermore." ~ Edgar Allen Poe
"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." ~ Aristotle
"All you need is love." ~ John Lennon from All You Need is Love
"Nothing interests people more than themselves." ~ Stephen E. Lucas
"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." ~ Semisonic from Closing Time
"Life is pretty good, when you consider the alternative." ~ Anonymous
"Everyone knows Custard died in the West. What this book presupposes is... maybe he didn't?" ~ Eli Cash in The Royal Tenenbaums
"We're guards." ~ Tim Robbins in Team America
"If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen." ~ Harry S. Truman
"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." ~ John F. Kennedy
"It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine." ~ Michael Stipe from It's the End of the World
"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my
father. Prepare to die!" ~ Inigo Montoya in Princess Bride
"A Day late. A buck short." ~ Tom Delonge from the song Dammit
"Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul." ~ James Downey from the movie Billy Madison
"And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." ~ Paul McCartney on The End
"Kids are always honest, 'cause they don't think they're ever going to die." ~ Julian Casablancas
"Don't piss in my ear and tell me it's raining." - Gene Hackman in Enemy of the State
"Half of the people can be part right all of the time. Some of the people can be all right part of the time. But all the people can't be all right all the time." ~ Bob Dylan
"If I could start again
"Will the wind ever remember
"I used to be the nicest kid in the neighborhood.
"I've seen a rich man beg
"Shorter of breath and one day closer to death." ~ Roger Waters from the song Time
"Our lives are but specks of dust falling through the fingers of time. Like sands of the hourglass, so are the days of our lives." ~ Socrates from the movie Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
"I don't like kids. I didn't even like kids when I was a kid." ~ Daria
"Grandma: Sir, um, could I trouble you for a glass of warm milk? It helps put me to sleep.
Orderly: You could trouble me for a glass of 'shut the hell up.' Now you will go to sleep, or I will put you to sleep."
~ Orderly (Ben Stiller) from Happy Gilmore
"What are you talking about? Look at yourself. You're nothing. You're nobody. You're wanted in connection with a violent crime. You're cleaning the floor of a diner. She is an intelligent, passionate, beautiful, rich woman. The issue of whether or not she's your type is not one that you're likely to have to resolve in this world... or, indeed, the next, since she will be going to some heaven for glamorous pussy, and you will be cleaning the floor of a diner in hell. So why are you even thinking about it? Finish the floor..."
~ Al from A Life Less Ordinary
"Don't you even see -- I'm finished. I'm fucked. Twenty-four hours ago, I was hot. Now... I'm a cautionary tale! See this jacket I'm wearing? You like it? I don't really need it, because I'm CLOAKED... IN FAILURE! I lost the number one draft pick the night before the draft."
~ Jerry Maguire
"I'm never embarassed." ~Charles Barkley
"Dead is nastier than dumb." ~Vernon Williams
"You can say 'Drew said.'" ~Drew Scharlow
"I do not steal pens!" ~Drew Scharlow
"I could pick you up... and throw you." ~Steve Singleton, R.I.P.
"Sounded like a newburn infernt." ~Alex Newgard, referring to the song Family Affair.
"You've got to hide your love away." ~John Lennon
"There is nothing I can say that I haven't thought before." ~Kurt Kobain from the song Serve the Servants
"The best part of breaking up... is when you're making up." ~Phil Spector
"Ringo's not the best drummer in the world. He's not even the best drummer in the Beatles." ~ohn Lennon, referring to Paul McCartney
"Humans are the only animals who blush, or need to." ~Mark Twain
"Oh, is that how it is?" ~Steve Singleton, R.I.P.
"Are you trying to..." ~Steve Singleton, R.I.P.
"We're changing our ways, taking different roads, and love will tear us apart again." ~Ian Curtis
"America is not a democracy, it's a Chucknatorship." ~chucknorrisfacts.com
"Juan Trippe: Be that as it may, you'll still have to answer for the Spruce Goose."
Howard Hughes: IT'S CALLED THE HERCULES!!!"
~Alec Baldwin and Leo Dicaprio in the movie "The Aviator."
"Now, see, that's a perfect example of what I DON'T like." ~Mickey Roark in the movie "SPUN"
"The internet is nothing but an electronic bathroom wall." ~Anonymous Quikstar Executive
"When you're young you get to stay up until midnight on New Year's Eve and when you're old you have to." ~Anonymous Quickstar Executive
"That's just like... you're opinion, man." ~Dude from "The Big Lebowski."
"You must've hit a bump or somethin'." ~John Travolta in the movie Pulp Fiction.
"You can sleep when you're dead."
~ Anonymous
~Jack Handey's Quotes~
"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."
"If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy."
"If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh, and let your hostages laugh too, because come on - that's pretty funny."
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."
"A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say. 'That's dynamite, baby.'"
"Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again."
"It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight."
"We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me."
"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad."
"You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea."
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'"
"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now."
"Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window."
"When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car."
"I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks."
"Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed?"
"To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'"
"When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy."
"Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing."
~ Those were all quotes by Jack Handey from SNL's skit "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey"
Book of Clichés
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way"
~ Trent Reznor on the song Hurt
the names it has blown in the past?
And with its crutch, its old age and its wisdom,
it whispers 'no, this will be the last.'"
~ Jimi Hendrix from the song The Wind Cries Mary
I only did the things mama said I should.
But now I just do whatever I want.
I even whipped it out in a restaurant."
-Adam Sandler from the song What the Hell Happened to Me?
I've seen a good man sin
I've seen a tough man cry
I've seen a loser win
And a sad man grin
I heard an honest man lie"
~ Everlast from What It's Like
Big Book of Cliches