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HOCKEY GUY BEAUTY PAGEANT
Steffi8888’s “Hockey Guy Beauty Pageant.” The pinnacle of the hockey season. More revered than the All-Star Game, the Stanley Cup Finals and the NHL Awards…At the conclusion of each season, the finest, Grade A Beef NHLers amalgamate at Steffi8888’s chalet; they sashay around in thongs and demonstrate their hidden talents, while a tireless Steffi8888 judges and tabulates scores. Their efforts are all in attempts to be crowned the “Hockey Guy Beauty Queen.” There are presently 14 contestants, from which the “Hockey Guy Beauty Queen” will be chosen each year. However, I am always considering new candidates, and frontrunners from previous years are always in contention for additional crowns. The complex groundwork has been established; without any further adieu, the contestants!
- ARNOTT, JASON (Dallas Stars)
From a mullet-donning Edmonton Oiler, to a New Jersey facial-hair fiend, to an unkempt Texas Star, Jason Arnott has always been able to exude sophistication while displaying the “look of the times.”
Best Look: The I-roll-out-of-bed-looking-like-a-God look (dishevelled bed-head with facial hair)
- BREWER, ERIC (Edmonton Oilers)
Eric Brewer, the proverbial “boy next-door,” has the boyish good looks to compliment his (seeming...) honesty and sincerity.
Best Look: The Goody-two-shoes look (clean-cut)
- BRODEUR, MARTIN (New Jersey Devils)
Martin Brodeur, with his mirthful eyes and jovial smile, resembles an adorable, cuddly teddy bear. (look, I'm PMSing, so anything is cute to me right now...) How could I not love that face? (well, he doesn’t look all too good in the picture I posted, but…I'm too lazy to find a better one.)
Best Look: The Caesar-hairstyle-aka-bangs-pasted-to-forehead-to-cover-up-the-bald-spots look (self-explanatory; you know what I'm talking about!)
- BURE, VALERI (Florida Panthers)
(Nenernenernener...Valeri is a contestant and Pavel is not ...) Valeri Bure, although born in Russia, somehow epitomises the ideal Californian “surfer boy”: bleach blonde locks and a radiant smile with pearly white teeth.
Best Look: The Coppertone-Endless-Summer look (slightly browned to perfection)
- FEDEROV, SERGEI (Detroit Red Wings)
Sergei Federov is slightly arrogant about his sex appeal, especially since he has supposedly won the heart of Anna Kournikova (Enrique Iglesias thinks he’s accomplished that feat as well…Soap Opera On Ice...) To him, “age ain’t nothing but a number.” (riding with the R.Kelly groove...cheap shot…couldn’t help it…)
Best Look: The Either-I'm-just-smug-or-I'm-eternally-stoned-on-vodka look (self-righteous smirk)
- KARIYA, PAUL (Anaheim Mighty-or lack thereof Ducks)
Paul Kariya, with his Asian features (he’s a Scottish-Japanese mix, if I remember correctly), radiates an exotic, foreign vibe.
Best Look: The My-girlfriend-is-a-Frederick’s-model-need-I-say-more look (eternally blissfully content grin)
- LINDEN, TREVOR (Vancouver Canucks)
Trevor Linden, Vancouver’s favourite son, has a crooked nose that provides him with a rugged edge.
Best Look: The Perm-on-Prom-gone-wrong look (needs John Freda frizz control hair)
- MODANO, MIKE (Dallas Stars)
With his confident, gleaming smile, Mike Modano is certainly hockey’s Hollywood boy.
Best Look: The I-left-the-Colgate-Whitening-strips-on-a-little-too-long look (radiant smile)
- NASLUND, MARKUS (Vancouver Canucks)
Markus Naslund, with his casual yet intellectual style of dress and his sexy Swedish accent, is the model GQ man.
Best Look: The Professor-I’d-like-to-get-under look (thick rimmed glasses with a casual suit)
- OHLUND, MATTIAS (Vancouver Canucks. I know that I probably spelt his name wrong . I didn’t exactly get an A in spelling Swedish names class...)
Mattias Ohlund could possibly be the most suave and sophisticated (current) NHLer, since he is always seen sporting the trendy, urban fashions.
Best Look: The Why-hasn’t-Versace-hired-me-yet look (ribbed sweater under a leather jacket; but who could screw that look up?)
- SAKIC, JOE (Colorado Avalanche)
Joe Sakic has recently acquired so many NHL Awards that he could afford to use them as book-ends. Yet he remains humble and modest about his accomplishments, and always acknowledges the team effort. (scar above his lip kinda sexy in a bad-boy sort of way...makes me want to “kiss him better” or something...)
Best Look: The Deer-caught-in-a-headlight look (subdued-or sedated-look)
- SHANAHAN, BRENDAN (Detroit Red Wings)
Brendan Shanahan, the eternally affable Irishman, is witty and humorous. He is notorious for slightly embellishing about his accomplishments; he claims to have run with the bulls in Spain, played goalie for Ireland in the World Cup, among other legendary endeavours.
Best Look: The Crooked-Irishman look (slightly conceited grin with an slightly turned up top lip)
- THEODORE, JOSE (Montreal Canadiens)
Jose Theodore, following in the footsteps of his celebrated predecessors, back-stopped the storied Montreal Canadiens during their Cinderella-story play-offs in 2002; all the while, he managed to weave his charm on the females.
Best Look: The Rico-suave look (exotic, Latin look)
- YZERMAN, STEVE (Detroit Red Wings)
One of the NHL’s most illustrious Captains and a leader of men, Steve Yzerman is like a fine wine that gets better with age.
Best Look: The I'm-36-but-who-can-tell look (the Steve Yzerman)
Each of the contestants has been introduced while giving his Miss America wave and kiss. Finally, each must answer the following question: “How would you show Steffi8888 a good time?” All contestants should take time to ponder upon that question, while the judging panel makes its final deliberation…Bribes are so welcome…
And the “Hockey Guy Beauty Queen” is:
2000: Jason Arnott (First Runner-up: Martin Brodeur, Second Runner-up: Mike Modano)
2001: Joe Sakic (First Runner-up: Markus Naslund, Second Runner-up: Sergei Federov)
2002: Brendan Shanahan (First Runner-up: Joe Sakic, Second Runner-up: Steve Yzerman)
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