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GloWorm

This is a collection of jokes that I have received from my Aunt Glow and is in honor of her "Glowing" humor and in loving memory of my Uncle Kenny who loved to make us all laugh. Many of the jokes he told can still be seen circulating the globe in emails today.
 

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Vision Check



I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

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Aide?



A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed,"You're not coming in here with me. This is a one-seater!"

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The Patch

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch.The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see....Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

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Jelly



A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

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A Sailing Test



A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain.
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir."
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?"
"Throw out another anchor."
"Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

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The Executions



Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.
The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?"
"Head up," said the doctor.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold." So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade, and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time, the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.

Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" said the executioner.
"Head up," said the chemist.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade, and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time, the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free.

Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" asked the executioner.
"Head up."
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out, "WAIT! I see what the problem is!"

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Ten Commandments



A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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First Kiss?



An honest seven-year-old told her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

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White Hairs?



One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" she asked. Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this awhile, then asked, "So how come ALL of Grandma's hairs are white?"

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New Baby



For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

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A Pressing Question

A dying man asks his doctor "Doctor, doctor, how much time do I have left?" The Doctor replied "I have some bad news and some very bad news." "What's the bad news?" "You've got only two weeks to live." "What news can be worse than that?" cried the patient. "I should have told you a forthnight ago!"



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The Escaped Ape



One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape. At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo as well as the animal handlers were summoned to the library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin. The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing. The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."

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The Humble Pastor



After church, a woman shook the pastor's hand at the door and went on and on in her praise. "That sermon," she exclaimed, "was one of the most wonderful I've ever heard!"

The humble pastor couldn't accept such a great compliment. "Oh, it really wasn't me," he said, "It was all the Lord." "Oh, no," she quickly assured him, "it wasn't THAT good."

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AGE BAROMETER



How many do you remember ?

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. News reels before the movie
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
    -=-=-=-
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young.
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older.
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age.
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

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The Break In



A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us." The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!

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Dealing With The Children



After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"
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Cat Burglars



Two thieves decided to break into a rich man's house one night. To avoid being seen by anyone they decided to enter through the chimney. Unaware that the rich man was at home the first thief began to climb down the chimney, quite noisily.
"Who's there?" asked the rich man. "Meow, meow," said the first thief imitating a cat. Convinced that it was only a cat the rich man went back to watching the television. After a while the second thief began to make his way down the chimney, just as noisily as the first thief.
"Who's there?" asked the rich man once again. Convinced that he could trick the rich man the second thief replied quite confidently: "It's just another cat, sir!"

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Pancakes



Jane was making pancakes for breakfast for her two sons Bobby, age seven, and Ryan, age five. The boys got in a terrific argument over who was going to get the first pancakes. It grew loud and rowdy. Jane saw this as a teaching opportunity so she quieted the boys and said. "Now boys, do you know what Jesus would do? He would say "Give the first pancakes to others." The boys listened carefully as she spoke. Finally, Bobby turned to Ryan and said - "Ryan, you be Jesus."

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Find the Chickens



The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them." "Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

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Additional Information Required

Moses made a third pilgramage to Mount Sinai. After much climbing he arrives at the burning bush and removes his sandals. Kneeling down, he says a prayer of entreaty: "Oh mighty God, your people have sent me back to ask you a question about the Ten Commandments." "What question do they have?" God relplied. "They want to know, are these listed by priority?"

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Lucky Cat



A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.

He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

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Engaged

A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring. Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center. "Excuse me sir," the gentleman says to the salesman. "How much is this ring?" "Ah, that's a beautiful piece," the salesman replies. "It goes for $10,000." "My Goodness!" the man exclaimed. "That's a lot of money!" "Yes, but a diamond is forever." "Perhaps," the gentleman replied, "But my marriage won't last that long!"

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Groom Grooming



A young lady came home very sad from a date. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
This last one was one that Kenny used often as as example!

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A Speeding Chicken



A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH. He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. Then the man noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all of the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man then asked him how they tasted. The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."

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Judging Fairly



A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

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Three Hearts



A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he doesn't get a new heart soon. The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no object. A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive. The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from. "Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000!" The old man, waving off the last part about the cost, asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor. "This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That heart"ll set you back $150,000!" "Okay," said the old man, "what about the third heart?" "Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for $500,000!!!" "Five-hundred grand?!?!", the old man exclaimed, "why so expensive?" "Well", said the doctor, "this heart belonged to a lawyer...so it was never used!"

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Time to Move



Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at. "And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times ..." "Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Lipkowitz, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas."

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