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This is a collection of jokes that I have received from my Aunt Glow and is in honor of her "Glowing" humor and in loving memory of my Uncle Kenny who loved to make us all laugh. Many of the jokes he told can still be seen circulating the globe in emails today.
Vision Check
I was performing a complete physical,
including the visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty feet from the
chart and began, "Cover your right eye
with your hand." He read the 20/20 line
perfectly.
"Now your left." Again, a flawless read.
"Now both," I requested. There was
silence. He couldn't even read the large
E on the top line. I turned and
discovered that he had done exactly what
I had asked; he was standing there with
both his eyes covered. I was laughing
too hard to finish the exam.
Aide?
A nurses' aide was helping a patient
into the bathroom when the patient
exclaimed,"You're not coming in here
with me. This is a one-seater!"
The Patch
During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he
informed his doctor that he was having
trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?", asked the doctor.
"The patch.The nurse told me to put on a
new one every six hours and now I'm
running out of places to put it!"
The doctor had him quickly undress and
discovered what he hoped he wouldn't
see....Yes, the man had over fifty
patches on his body!
Now the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.
Jelly
A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky
asked, "So how's your breakfast this
morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the
taste," the patient replied. The nurse
asked to see the jelly and the woman
produced a foil packet labeled "KY
Jelly."
A Sailing Test
A young naval student was being put
through the paces by an old sea-captain.
"What would you do if a sudden storm
sprang up on the starboard?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir."
"What would you do if another storm
sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up
forward, what would you do?"
"Throw out another anchor."
"Hold on," said the Captain, "where
are you getting all your anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting
your storms, sir."
The Executions
Once upon a time there lived three men:
a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer.
For some reason all three offended the
king and were sentenced to die on the
same day.
The day of the execution arrived,
and the doctor was led up to the
guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to
the guillotine, the executioner asked,
"Head up or head down?"
"Head up," said the doctor.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised the axe, and
z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade, and
stopped barely an inch above the
doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that
if an execution didn't succeed the first
time, the prisoner had to be released,
so the doctor was set free.
Then the chemist was led up to
the guillotine. "Head up or head down?"
said the executioner.
"Head up," said the chemist.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised his axe,
and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade,
and stopped an inch above the chemist's
neck. Well, the law stated that if the
execution didn't succeed the first time,
the prisoner had to be released, so the
chemist was set free.
Finally the engineer was led up
to the guillotine. "Head up or head
down?" asked the executioner.
"Head up."
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised his axe,
but before he could cut the rope, the
engineer yelled out, "WAIT! I see what
the problem is!"
Ten Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing
the Ten Commandments with her five- and
six-year-olds. After explaining the
commandment to "honor thy father and thy
mother," she asked "Is there a
commandment that teaches us how to treat
our brothers and sisters?" Without
missing a beat one little boy answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
First Kiss?
An honest seven-year-old told her
parents that Billy Brown had kissed her
after class. "How did that happen?"
gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy,"
admitted the young lady, "but three
girls helped me catch him."
White Hairs?
One day, a little girl was sitting and
watching her mother do the dishes at the
kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that
her mother had several strands of white
hair sticking out in contrast on her
brunette head. "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?" she asked. Her mother
replied, "Well, every time you do
something wrong and make me cry or
unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this
awhile, then asked, "So how come ALL of
Grandma's hairs are white?"
New Baby
For weeks, a six-year old lad kept
telling his first-grade teacher about
the baby brother or sister that was
expected at his house. One day the
mother allowed the boy to feel the
movements of the unborn child. The
six-year old was obviously impressed,
but made no comment. Furthermore, he
stopped telling his teacher about the
impending event. The teacher finally sat
the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy,
whatever has become of that baby brother
or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I
think Mommy ate it!"
A Pressing Question
A dying man asks his doctor "Doctor,
doctor, how much time do I have left?"
The Doctor replied "I have some bad news
and some very bad news."
"What's the bad news?"
"You've got only two weeks to live."
"What news can be worse than that?"
cried the patient.
"I should have told you a forthnight
ago!"
The Escaped Ape
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx
Zoo. They searched for him everywhere,
in every borough. They announced his
disappearance on the radio and
television as well as the newspapers.
But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New
York Public Library. Officials of the
zoo as well as the animal handlers were
summoned to the library. They found the
ape sitting at a desk in the reading
room with two books spread out in front
of him. The ape was reading with great
concentration. One book was the Bible;
the other written by Darwin. The zoo
keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure
out whether I am my brother's keeper or
whether I am my keeper's brother."
The Humble Pastor
After church, a woman shook the pastor's
hand at the door and went on and on in
her praise. "That sermon," she
exclaimed, "was one of the most
wonderful I've ever heard!"
The humble pastor couldn't accept such a
great compliment. "Oh, it really wasn't
me," he said, "It was all the Lord."
"Oh, no," she quickly assured him, "it
wasn't THAT good."
AGE BAROMETER
How many do you remember ?
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored
sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed
bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. News reels before the movie
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix
(Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
-=-=-=-
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still
young.
If you remembered 6-10 = You
are getting older.
If you remembered
11-15 = Don't tell your age.
If you
remembered 16-25 = You're older than
dirt!
The Break In
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's
club by mistake. The old legal lions
gave them a fight for their life and
their money. The gang was very happy to
escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook
noted. "We got $25 between us." The boss
screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of
lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!
Dealing With The Children
After putting her children to bed, a
mother changed into old slacks and a
droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her
hair. As she heard the children getting
more and more rambunctious, her patience
grew thin.
At last she threw a towel around her
head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern
warnings.
As she left the room, she heard her
three-year-old say with a trembling
voice, "Who was that?"
Cat Burglars
Two thieves decided to break into a rich
man's house one night. To avoid being
seen by anyone they decided to enter
through the chimney. Unaware that the
rich man was at home the first thief
began to climb down the chimney, quite
noisily.
"Who's there?" asked the rich man.
"Meow, meow," said the first thief
imitating a cat. Convinced that it was
only a cat the rich man went back to
watching the television. After a while
the second thief began to make his way
down the chimney, just as noisily as the
first thief.
"Who's there?" asked the rich man
once again.
Convinced that he could trick the rich
man the second thief replied quite
confidently:
"It's just another cat, sir!"
Pancakes
Jane was making pancakes for breakfast
for her two sons Bobby, age seven, and
Ryan, age five. The boys got in a
terrific argument over who was going to
get the first pancakes. It grew loud and
rowdy. Jane saw this as a teaching
opportunity so she quieted the boys and
said. "Now boys, do you know what Jesus
would do? He would say "Give the first
pancakes to others."
The boys listened carefully as she
spoke.
Finally, Bobby turned to Ryan and said -
"Ryan, you be Jesus."
Find the Chickens
The farmer's son was returning from the
market with the crate of chicken's his
father had entrusted to him, when all of
a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different
directions, but the determined boy
walked all over the neighborhood
scooping up the wayward birds and
returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy
reluctantly returned home, expecting the
worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy
confessed sadly, "but I managed to find
all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the
farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
Additional Information Required
Moses made a third pilgramage to Mount
Sinai. After much climbing he arrives at
the burning bush and removes his
sandals.
Kneeling down, he says a prayer of
entreaty:
"Oh mighty God, your people have sent me
back to ask you a question about the Ten
Commandments."
"What question do they have?" God
relplied.
"They want to know, are these listed by
priority?"
Lucky Cat
A famous art collector is walking
through the city when he notices a mangy
cat lapping milk from a saucer in the
doorway of a store and he does a double
take.
He knows that the saucer is extremely
old and very valuable, so he walks
casually into the store and offers to
buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but
the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says "Please, I need a
hungry cat around the house to catch
mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for
that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands
over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the
twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw
in that old saucer. The cat's used to it
and it'll save me from having to get a
dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but
that's my lucky saucer. So far this week
I've sold sixty-eight cats."
Engaged
A man walks into a jewelry store to buy
his girlfriend an engagement ring.
Looking behind the glass case, he comes
across an exquisite band with a
handsome-sized rock in its center.
"Excuse me sir," the gentleman says to
the salesman. "How much is this ring?"
"Ah, that's a beautiful piece," the
salesman replies. "It goes for $10,000."
"My Goodness!" the man exclaimed.
"That's a lot of money!"
"Yes, but a diamond is forever."
"Perhaps," the gentleman replied, "But
my marriage won't last that long!"
Groom Grooming
A young lady came home very sad from a
date. She told her mother, "Anthony
proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother
asked.
"Because he also told me he is an
atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe
there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway.
Between the two of us, we'll show him
how wrong he is."
This last one was one that Kenny
used often as as example!
A Speeding Chicken
A man was driving along a freeway when
he noticed a chicken running along side
his car. He was amazed to see the
chicken keeping up with him because he
was doing 50 MPH.
He accelerated to 60 and the chicken
stayed right next to him.
He speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken
passed him up.
Then the man noticed the chicken had
three legs.
So, he followed to chicken down a road
and ended up at a farm.
He got out of his car and saw that all
of the chickens had three legs.
He asked the farmer "What's up with
these chickens?"
The farmer said "Well, everybody likes
chicken legs. I bred a three-legged
bird. I'm going to be a millionaire."
The man then asked him how they tasted.
The farmer said "Don't know, haven't
caught one yet."
Judging Fairly
A lawyer defending a man accused of
burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into
the window and removed a few trifling
articles. His arm is not himself, and I
fail to see how you can punish the whole
individual for an offense committed by
his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using
your logic, I sentence the defendant's
arm to one year's imprisonment. He can
accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's
assistance he detached his artificial
limb, laid it on the bench, and walked
out.
Three Hearts
A doctor tells a rich old man that he's
going to die if he doesn't get a new
heart soon.
The old man tells the doctor to search
the world for the best heart available,
money is no object. A few days later the
doctor calls the old man and says he has
found three hearts but they are all
expensive. The old man reminds the
doctor that he is filthy rich and
implores him to tell him about the
donors they came from.
"Well, the first one belonged to 22 year
old marathon runner, never smoked, ate
only the most healthy foods, was in peak
condition when he was hit by a bus. No
damage to the heart, of course. But it
costs $100,000!"
The old man, waving off the last part
about the cost, asks the doctor to tell
him about the second donor.
"This one belonged to a 16 year old
long-distance swimmer, high school kid.
Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his
head on the side of the pool. That
heart"ll set you back $150,000!"
"Okay," said the old man, "what about
the third heart?"
"Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old
man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a
day, weighed over 300 pounds, never
exercised, drank like a fish... this
heart is going for $500,000!!!"
"Five-hundred grand?!?!", the old man
exclaimed, "why so expensive?"
"Well", said the doctor, "this heart
belonged to a lawyer...so it was never
used!"
Time to Move
Approaching eighty-five years of age,
Mrs. Lipkowitz finally decided it was
time to give up her apartment in New
York and move to Miami. She was given
the name of a Florida realtor, who
enthusiastically drove her all over
Miami, extolling the virtues of every
apartment they looked at. "And this one,
what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the
investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten
years it's gonna be worth three times
..." "Sonny," interrupted Mrs.
Lipkowitz, "at my age I don't even buy
green bananas."
