Chapter 4
Saturday night at 9:00 I curled up on the couch with a half gallon of icecream, expecting Kerri and Nick to be home about 11:00 or 12:00. I was wearing flannel pants and a sweatshirt with Florida State on it. My hair was up in a messy bun with strands hanging down by my face. "Hmm...." I said outloud while changing the channels to find something interesting to watch. I glanced over to the movie stand and saw Home Movies on the top shelf. I threw off the covers and reached out to grab the tape. I slipped it in the VCR and saw fuzz on the screen. Then a young me popped up on the TV screen in a bathing suit."Nick!" I had said. "Stop spashing me!" We had been sitting in the baby pool and he had been splashing me. The memory of earlier that week when Nick had squirted me with the hose came into my mind. Oh...what did I get myself into? I thought. How stupid am I to convince Nick to go out with Kerri? A single tear slipped from my glossy brown eyes. It fell onto my shirt followed by another one. I grabbed the remote and turned it off. I couldn't take it anymore. This was too much. I had loved Nick so much but couldn't admit it to myself until that night. And he doesn't love me... More tears came, one by one. I ran to the bathroom and grabbed a razor from underneath the sink. I threw the cap off and brought my arm up to my rist. I slit it furiously not caring about the pain it would cause not only myself, but my friends and family. I wanted the pain to stop, to leave me forever.
After several slits I threw the razor at the wall. "Ahhhh!!!" I sobbed and cried. Something inside my head stopped me from crying and screaming. I know why Nick doesn't love me...I'm not pretty enough. I hadn't lost five pounds like Kerri had. I didn't have a body to show off like Kerri. No, I was just Nick's friend, and nothing more. And never will be anything more...unless I get a body like Kerri's. Like that could happen...I need Nick to notice me and once he does...he'll love me like I love him now. After minutes of thinking what to eat and what not to eat I slowly dazed off.
***** I woke up the next morning and suddenly felt sore throughout my body. I glanced at my wrist and memories washed over me of what I did last night. The cuts were horrible. There were many on each wrist, dark red and rough. I brought my left hand to touch the cuts on my right hand. My hand gently brushed against it and I winced in pain. I had a throbbing head ache that felt like I just dropped a brick on my head. I collapsed back in bed and started crying.
Why am I putting myself through this...again? Four years ago everything in my world seemed like it crashed down on me. My parents got divored, my 2 year boyfriend just broke up with me, my grades went from A to D in a matter of weeks. It was all too much so I started cutting...like I did last night. I did it for months, until my mom saw it. For weeks if my friend or a teacher saw it I would deny it and say it was from sports or my cat. The hardest person lying to was Nick. He knew me too well. He knew it wasn't my cat because my cat was as gentle as could be. He tried so hard to get me to open up to him, but I refused. I had all my emotions bottled up inside me. I finally confessed to my mom and she promised the world she wouldn't tell a soul...and she kept that promise. I went to counsling once a week for about six months and it worked well. I stopped cutting and I was fully recovered. I was so happy. I was over my boyfriend, I brought my grades back up, but my parents divorce was still hard, but my counsler taught me how to deal with it. Nick had no clue what was going on about the cousnling and cutting, but he knew about my parents divorce, grades, etc. I don't think that it was all the counsler that helped me. Nick helped me greatly too. He talked to me a lot and gave me wonderful advice. I think that's when I fell in love with him. Since then I only had 4 boyfriends. None of them lasted very long, only about a month or so. Sure it was fun and all, but none of them could make me laugh the way Nick did. Or make me feel so good about myself like he had. He had done it all...and not even known it. And now he is going out with my other best friend.
"Ohhh...." I groaned. I turned over on my stomach and stuck my head under my pillow. It's starting all over again...all over again.