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Hindrances to Carefronting - Part I
Selected Scriptures
Jonathan Orillaza
 

Introduction:

A.   May I introduce to you some people that will give you a picture of some Filipino cultural traits we keep. Mang Martin is a meek and hardworking farmer who enjoys anything he does. Actually, when you see him and greet him, he hardly lifts his eyes to yours. He is so nahihiya (shy) maybe because he looks at farming as an unfortunate vocation (walang suerte sa hanap-buhay). But this is not all his life. During weekends, he gives himself a break. He rewards himself by being in the company of his hard drinking "barkada" (friends). By that time, he’s completely changed. He’s losing his sense of meekness. He goes home drunk, curses everyone he sees on his way home, beats his wife, and scares his young children. What made him do these things? Extreme smooth interpersonal relationship (sobrang pakikisama). We have a good account, though, of smooth interpersonal relationship (pakikisama). We have in our country the so-called "bayanihan" that is, the spirit of helping one another when one is in need. We can still recall the days when we see the whole barrio helping one family in moving their Nipa Hut. This is a good picture of pakikisama.
   
  B.   Another picture of Filipino cultural trait.  Mang Sixto found out that he’s short of the money he needed in order to pay his son’s school bill before a term examination. He borrowed some money from his kumpadre (son’s godfather) and his son was able to take the exam. A year has passed and kumpadre has not seen even the shadow of Mang Sixto. "Why is kumpadre like that?" he asked his wife. Marahil nahihiya lamang. (Maybe he’s ashamed.), the wife replied. "Why should kumpadre be ashamed?" the tone of his voice is more a little bit tenseful. "It should have been better if he came, face up his shortcoming, and explain to us what had happened. That gesture is better than just disappearing." This is exactly what happens when a Filipino fails to keep his word to someone. He is ashamed (napapahiya). But there is that usage of Hiya that has nothing to do with feelings of inadequacy or failure. It comes from a strong sense of propriety. For example, visiting a person in his house right after lunch would not be very appropriate. Nakakahiya, baka natutulog ang tao. We consider it improper because the man is taking a siesta/nap. "Hiya" or inpropriety here has something to do with etiquette, delicacy of feelings and right manners. Our target here is to understand the implications of smooth interpersonal relationship (S.I.R.) or pakikisama and feeling of inadequacy or failure or in our dialect nakakahiya. I. THE IMPLICATIONS OF PAKIKISAMA (Smooth interpersonal relationship) A. Positive implications

We never discourage anyone to do his or her best to keep this pakikisama at its peak especially because the Bible encourages us to pursue it. It is always a fresh atmosphere, an early heaven when we try our best to make connections with people and blend our lives with theirs. We have learned a saying since we were in elementary and we sing it: No man is an island, No man stands alone. Honestly, we don’t feel too good about ourselves when we are alone. A Filipino who is individualistic and too independent is most likely perceived and regarded as mayabang (proud), suplado (snobbish), or worse, sira (crazy). At its best, S.I.R. (or pakikisama) seeks harmony—with others, with nature, and with oneself. It aims for unity, peace and cooperation. When we practice pakikisama in the right way, we are, in a way, learning to respect what others desire especially when those desires are in accordance to God’s will. We are also, in effect, applying the principle of Philippians 2:3,4, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interest, but also to the interest of others."

We can never underestimate the many beautiful things that can happen with true and genuine pakikisama.
 

               B. Negative Implications.
    It is unfortunate to say that there are times when pakikisama brings nothing but destruction to the individual, church, family,    and government. Extreme, untamed, uncontrolled smooth interpersonal relationship (S.I.R) will cause the truth or the goal to suffer much. What happens when everything that a father does is to keep and maintain smooth interpersonal relationship (pakikisama)? You'll lose the respect of your family to the authority that God has delegated to you. What happens when your barkada or kumpadre are abusing your time at the expense of your children? What happens when everything that the leaders are doing in the church is ignored the sins and problems in order that no one will get hurt? The church in Corinth confronted the problem of sin in their midst. (Read II Corinthians 2:6,7). What hinders us to carefront sin in the church? Maling pakikisama (inappropriate smooth interpersonal relationship). Why can't we write or carefront our elected government officials to air our complains and problems? Because that government official has helped us. Your son or daughter has now a secured job because he was able to issue a recommendation letter. Makisama ka na lang!  II. THE IMPLICATIONS OF SAVING FACE OR FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY OR HAVING A STRONG SENSE OF PROPRIETY.
        Sometimes saving one's face is a positive sign, a healthy gesture. Why? Because sin should always make us feel ashamed. It is a very healthy sign of spirituality when a person is feeling so sorry, he's saving his face because of the wrong deeds he has committed. II Corinthians 7:8-10 affirms to us that saving one's face or feeling sorry that leads to repentance is a good sign that a person is dead to sin and alive in Christ. Sin should always bring shame to God's children. Notice how it is now becoming a little bit acceptable for some women to be called querida because at least they can fight for what they really feel. Unfortunately, it has become also a measure of "manliness" in our society--the more mistresses a man keeps, the higher his star rating among his peers. If as a husband, you know someone who think this way, let him read Proverbs 6:32-33: "But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself. Blows and disgrace are his lot and his shame will never be wiped away." Violation of honor, modesty, and God's will should bring anyone shame. The feeling of shame should always lead us to repentance. Just like what David felt after he was confronted by Nathan, the prophet, he said, "Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight . . ." Psalm 51:4.

        B. Negative Implications

        It is so sad to know that there are those who are completely insensitive to the opinions of others. They say that they won't be influenced by what others say against as long as they know that what they do is right. They say that they don't have to worry about "saving face" and what others will say because these people who criticize him or telling him his errors are not feeding him anyway. So, he'll only listen to those who feed him." A person with no moral standard but his own will be as good as nothing and is not worth respecting. This is not supposed to be a Christian's attitude. We were commanded to let our light so shine before men. Sociologists say that this concern for "saving face" stems or is coming from our being "others-directed." That is, we judge the rightness or wrong ness of a certain deed based on the prevailing morality that is, what other people will think or say. Some research studies show that Filipinos have a rather weak sense of guilt, but a very strong sense of shame--especially true when the sin is discovered. Let's take for example what parents say when they correct their erring child: Aren't you ashamed of what you are doing? What will people say? (Hindi ka na ba nahihiya sa ginagawa mong 'yan? Ano ang sasabihin ng tao?") What's our observation: The embarrassment that parents will perhaps experience is more important than the morality of that child's action. Saving face, that strong sense of shame, is more important or valuable that what is right or wrong. Anyone especially Christians who are not sincerely repenting and feeling sorry and ashamed of what they do when know that they are wrong should consider reading again and again II Corinthians 11:5-8.
         
         

     III. THE BIBLICAL PERSPECTIVE OF SMOOTH INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIP (Pakikisama) AND    NAKAKAHIYA        (feeling of inadequacy).
 
        A. Pakikisama

        There is not even a slight doubt that the Bible is encouraging Christians to have and to keep a smooth interpersonal relationship with others. "If it is possible as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18"Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." Colossians 4:5,6. "Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks, or the church of God, even as I try to please everybody in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved. Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ." I Corinthians 10:32-11:1 "But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin." I John 1:7 We are being admonished here by Scriptures about the true and only appropriate pakikisama. It must be elevated to the godly standard of helping, sharing, and cooperating. Our extreme pakikisama should be controlled and limited by the light of God's word that is, when truth is to be set aside or abandoned. II Corinthians 6:14 is emphasizing the fact that right and wrong can not be partners; light and darkness have nothing in common. If we just allow darkness to overcome us and never do anything, we seem to be saying that darkness and light are the same.

         B. Nakakahiya (feeling of inadequacy or shame)

        There is only one factor Christians should feel ashamed of and that is, when he does something in violation to God's will. Ephesians 4:17-19 says: In the Lord's name, then, I warn you: do not continue to live like the heathen, whose thoughts are worthless and whose minds are in the dark. They have no part in the life that God gives, for they are completely ignorant and stubborn. They have lost all feeling of shame; they give themselves over to vice and do all sorts of indecent things without restraint. Only when we are vehemently violating God's will that we should have a strong feeling of shame or inadequacy. This is a strong warning that we need to take heed.

 

 

 

 
 
 

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