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10/29/03--

Stupid, stupid. Girl here at work wears monumental amount of perfume, admits she "can't tell how much she's putting on". Just another confirmation of idiocy- chalk it up. You can't tell??? Then don't put it on!!!!! Now I have to sit here and suffer with a headache and snotty nose and sneezes because you want to smell good? f*ck off, you dumb biznatch. This girl is already on my "i just try to ignore it" list but I've asked her to tone down the perfume. Not cause I don't like her or I'm out to get her or becuase i think she smells bad, but because it causes me to be physically uncomfortable. i didn't even ask her to stop freaking wearing it, just to stop wearing so goddamned much of it! you shouldn't be able to smell the perfume from five feet away, sister girl. it should be SUBTLE. and i'm pretty sure she wears the perfume just because she knows it bugs me. I AM SO SICK OF THIS SHIZNIT. but considering the tough employment picture out there, i'm not gonna quit or anything, because then i couldn't pay my rent and then i'd be homeless.

screw all you perfumed people, anyway. you probably talk on your cell phone while driving your giant SUV's.

man. i've been too freaking busy and i am coming to hate my job. Not only that, but the world is the craziest it has ever been. We've got a son of a bush in the oval office, who makes mostly decisions i don't agree with, and very few i approve of. and i am the end all, be all of political approval, don't you know.

one good thing is that i'm back in a creative writing class and it always improves my typing and my writing. so that's nice, and i really enjoy the teacher, and some of the folk in there are just phenomonal writers. still can't spell! need to disable spell check so i can get my Spelling Bee Championship ring back, you know? but whatever, work, work, school, school, that's all i do and that's all i think about. i have no time for myself-- even the time for myself, time that i would have spent writing, is now in the school zone. school! what a misery, but what a joy. my world religions class is driving me nuts. there are all of these people in there who have strict ideas of what a religion can encompass. if you're not going to school to learn about new things and doing it with an open mind, i don't know that you should be in a world religions class. the other night we spent forty five minutes on the capitalization of "god". jeebus. and we're talking about Buddhism! lord have mercy- no pun intended. i just think it's amusing that these people can't comprehend a system of values and religion that doesn't coincide or translate into their own. i think i was very lucky growing up because the majority of my middle, teen, and adult life i have not been a member of any major religion, have no dogma to remain faithful to, and therefore can appreciate the facets of all religions. there are some things i don't quite agree with in all of them, and some things i do. but anyway, work is freaking over and i can't wait to get out of here... i'm tired of seeing how awful the world is. i want to go home, have some tequila, and forget about the misery of the world over the weekend. i know on monday morning it will look at me bright eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to divulge all of the horrors that the Bay Area's teenagers are up to. Woohoo, i can't wait. check ya'll later. be nice to one another--

so the online diary thing hasn't really been working out. haven't been writing in it. maybe that's why no one has signed my guestbook in AGES. since December I think. Damn you people! Nah, probably no one has even visited the site in a while except for me. I'm not really the most exciting, invigorating individual so whatever. Things in my life are alright, schools out for summer and that makes me a happy woman. you know what i've noticed? Being a lawyer is a lot like being famous- there's always someone who wants your signature. But anyway! Two of my very best friends recently broke up after a very, very long relationship. I think it was the best thing, personally for both of them. It's just hard watching each one struggle through this ever-so limbo like state of things. Because they're both doing different things, and so badly want to remove themselves from each other and still stay friends. And it's strange, because they are dealing with the situation in different ways but they mirror each other in what they say. I'm the confidante- left ear for him, right ear for her, and nothing confidential goes between. It's hard, especially when I know why one of them is acting a certain way but I can't tell the other why. But it's good, too, because they can still hang out together and they can still talk and be civil and even have a desire to be friends. I just hope that one of them wasn't bullshi*ting on the friend front. I'd have to do an as*kicking then. And i'm not too gravy at kicking as*, so there might be a disaster.

onto bigger and better things. I'm upset and distraught because I thought we were going to get a puppy but truth be told, our landlady decided she didn't want another dog in the building. Nate and I had our hearts set on a Rhodesian Ridgeback but I guess our plans will have to be put on hold until we can afford to move into a house or something. who knows. okay, i've got to get back to work even though i have soooo many more similarly compelling things to say. oh, by the way, i'm gonna try and put some photos of some magnet poetry up here on the old website.....

I can’t complain. I’m mostly healthy, alive, and I’ve got a four-day weekend that starts tomorrow. The man and I are going up to Twainheart with a bunch of friends, it should be a rollicking time.

I’m not quite sure what to ramble about. There are so many things I’m angry or frustrated or unsure about. I think one of the hardest parts to coalesce of this whole “impending” war is the foreign intelligence reports that Hussein is not the imminent threat the Dubya administration makes it out to be, that there are enormous amounts of money- tax money, other appropriate(d) funds, that are going into this thing. At the same time, the economy is suffering (let’s have a war! it’ll solve all our problems!) unemployment is skyrocketing (especially in the Bay Area), the stock market is stammering about and we’re all gasping for breath. It doesn’t make sense to me. There are children molesting each other, murdering each other, stealing from ice cream cart vendors and beating them until their faces are bloody messes, and we’re more concerned about foreign policy. I’m all for saving people but I’ve got a full load of folks who need help- liberation from oppression, poverty and freedom from the system of life they’re used to- right here at home, in the middle of Oakland, the west side, the east side, downtown Berkeley, Hayward, San Leandro and goodness knows how many kids across the country who need help, who need support, who need, need, need and nobody’s supplying. Why don’t we have a war on homelessness? A war on domestic violence? Cause there’s no money in it, so they’ll just continue to give us bread and cheese, satisfy our passions and our appetites and then make sure our reason is looking the other way.

probably about to be lots and lots of typos. i just had some 151 and i'm feeling pretty nice, about time for a ramble. sitting in the abode of the first friends back, Mike and Lisa. maybe i should change thier names for privacies sake, but really, who the hell reads this anyway? not anyone important, unless i believe the conspiracy theories. anyway, i'm sitting at my friends computer coming from a wedding reception for another guy and his gal. got married on valentine's day. how cheesy. what about marriage, that's the not so cheesy part. maybe it really does change things, but really how much can it change? i really like being a part of a couple, especially considering who i'm coupled with, but i'm not quite sure how a legal document and a nice dinner or reception makes it better, or less of a struggle, or more of a joy. how do those words translate into more important and impactful? drunken ramblings, i know, i know. anyway. doesn't matter, because for now it's nothing to thnink about and nothing to worry about. the job is getting better tension wise and the war is getting worse impending wise. what is bush doing? i'm all for liberating enslaved people but somehoe i think the regime change they are aiming for is not quite in line with what the iraqi people have in mind, and not quite the best thing for a country just coming out of an oppressive gov't. who do we install as a leader? the US military. and then? and then? feels like i'm in a cheap movie featuring "That 70's Boy". YOu all know who i'm talking about. and then there's the being a teacher, i want to teach, and work with children, but is it really as a teacher in a school? i'm so interested in language, and the way we aqcuire language, and the methods that are somewhat common throughout cultures and societies when it comes to grammar. but then again, summer's off sound very delightful. there were some people at the Hall today selling supplemental disability insurance and although i wished i could afford it they were just too damn pushy to give up anything else. you know? i mean, selling when solicited is one thing but selling when unsolicited is another. don't accost me. and don't speak on your cell phone while driving. don't get me started on that when i'm drunk. i'm the most raging driver you ever saw, frustrated as hell at the blinkerless do what they want to do drivers and the crazy people doing crazy things out on the freeways here in california. it's almost midnight here and we're all amazed, not really tired even though all of our bedtimes are normally ten o'clock. they bought a game cube today and we're all entertained by the daily show dude's commentary on our golf game-- i'm not very good but that's probably due to boredom and 151. plus i've gotta pee. not that anyone cared. sometimes i think it's all a big hoax, that we're all believing anything outrageous just because it can sound good. so then i question, but the answers are hard to find. i guess it is the same journey as ever, just a different leg of the path. okay, should go. getting silly and fully 151'd. work was depressing today. think i need to do some volunteer work with rape victims or molest victims or something, because those are the hardest one's to process. kids, man. they're all still just kids which is the craziest, most disturbing part of it all. i'm alcoholed out and doing terribly at gamecube golf, so adios muchacos. sianora (sp?) and have a lovely valentines.

i spent a good amount of time/ today reading all of the older "rambles" from my highschool years. sometimes i was just stuck on stupid when it came to myself. It's tremendous that I don't hate myself and the world so much anymore. I'm so glad that I mostly got over the ideas of "love" and life and hardship that I had, and finally experienced the real deal(s). i'm glad I went through all of that teenage bullshit, though, because it meant I was thinking, I was working towards answers, I was on the quest we're always on... to answer the most basic, most difficult question: Why? and I think that's what every teenager, in all of thier conviction and attitude and anger and angst and all of that, that's what they want an answer to. Why am i here? Why am I being forced to live by your rules? Why can't I make my "own" decisions? Why do I feel this way? Why can't I figure it out? I mean, this is the questioning process you begin when you're a teen and slowly refine it from then on. anyway, many of the entries made me laugh. You always think you are so original, daring, and new when you're that age- even when you're cynical about those things. In reflection, the entries are sweet, but naive. There were so many things I thought I understood that even now I'm still confused or challenged by. But I love my teenage self, especially because I disliked myself with such vehemence during that time. No matter what anyone told me, I never measured up to what I thought- not what others thought- I should be. And I suppose it's all good, always will be- I wouldn't trade myself now to be "happier" then... I thought I was miserable and imprisoned, but I hadn't paid rent yet. Or taxes. Or bills. I hadn't been homeless. There were so many things that I took for granted (and still take for granted). Anyway, enough about that. I'm older, no wiser, but maybe more willing to admit it...

this war talk, this around the water cooler debate of should we or shouldn't we has me spinning in circles. what's right and what's wrong? where do you draw the line? what constitutes proof? how much do you need? how can I, as a human, support a war- even if the eventual goal of that war is to set my fellow humans "free"? what is free? who's version? America's version of free, with it's federalized government system, consumeristic attitude, it's Bill of Rights, it's capitalism, it's Constitution? After watching the State of the Union address, and my own research, my heart and my head conflict. It's not just about oil- that's a big player, but it's not just about oil. It's also about a basic human right to be free from fear... I'm still not informed enough to have a strong opinion for either side, but I'm trying. At first, I was just like, "no war, not in my name, no way, no how." Now, (and this ambivelance began before the SOU Address) I'm waffling and wavering, teetertotering on both sides. should go. work's over and it's no fun accidentally getting locked inside the Hall....