Fun Stuff: Jokes, Cartoons, Ads, etc.
~~~~~~The Ten Commandments For The Car Collector:~~~~~~
Written by Donald Peterson for the Feb. 1979 issue of Car Collector Magazine.
1) Thou shalt not read thy Hemmings on company time, lest thy employer make it impossible to
continue thy car payments.
2) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's car nor his garage, nor his battery charger.
3) Thou shalt not store thy car out-of-doors except for the wife's Toyota.
4) Thou shalt not deceive thy wife into thinking that thee is taking her for a romantic Sunday
drive when indeed thou art going out to look at another car.
5) Thou shalt not love thy cars more than thy wife and children.
6) Thou shalt not despise thy neighbor's Edsel, nor his DeSoto, nor even his '47 Plymouth.
7) Thou shalt not tell thy spouse the entire cost of thy latest restoration, at least not all
at the same time.
8) Thou shalt not promise thy wife a new addition for the house and then use it to store cars.
9) Thou shalt not allow thy sons and daughters to get married during the car show season.
10) Thou shalt not buy thy wife a floor jack for Christmas.
Car Names Explained
AMC - All Makes Combined
All Most a Car!
AUDI - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW - Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Bimbette Motor Weapon
Break My Window
backwards- Wanted Mercedes Benz
BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology
Collective Heap Enormous Volumous Reject Oversized Leftover Ecclectic Trash
CHRYSLER - Can Hardly Reach Your Single Lane Entry Road
DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
Dead Or Dying Gas Eater
Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express
FIAT - Failed Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
Fix It Again Today
FORD - First On Recall Day
First On Race Day
First On Rust Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Finally Our Reject Died
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
Found On Russian Dump
Fucked Over Rusty Dog
Fool Okies Really Digg'em
GM - General Maintenance
Great Mistake
GMC- Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?
GTO - Gran Turismo OmiGodItGoes
Garbage Truck Option
HONDA - Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI- Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
MOPAR - More Old Parts And Rust
Most Oddly Putrid And Retched
Move Over Pontiacs Are Racing
MUSTANG - Mutant Undersized Slimy Trash And Normally Greasy
OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
PINTO - put in new transmission often
PLYMOUTH - Please Let Your Mother Out from Under The Hood
PONTIAC - poor old Neanderthal thinks its a Cadillac
SAAB - Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
Sorry Arsed Auto Builders
TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners
VW - Virtually Worthless
What your car says about you
Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars
Acura NSX - I am impotent
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet Cavalier - Absolute LEGEND!
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ferrari Testarossa - I am known to prematurely ejaculate
Ford Explorer - I will not be caught dead in a mini van
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55 mph and change lanes when I pull up
behind them.
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler
MGB - I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch penis.
Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanon is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife
The New Cadillac
A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking
at his fuel gauge he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes
later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump. "What can I do for
ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test," replies the man While the attendant
is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks.
"I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with
pride, "this, my boy is the latest Cadillac DeVille." "What all's it got in it?" asks the
attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power
seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with
100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around,
leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine." "Wow,"
says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks
the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and
peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change.
Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the
attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the
attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"
18 Basic Rules for Driving in Washington DC
(1) A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in
line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to
squeeze their way back in, before hitting construction barrels.
(2) Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle, so never use them.
(3) Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in
front of you no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by
somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
(4) The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting
hit.
(5) Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. (Remember no-fault
insurance: He might not have much to lose, you do.)
(6) Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your anti-lock
braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
(7) Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit
before the traffic begins to back up.
(8) The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful
information, just to make DC look progressive.
(9) Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people
entering the highway.
(10) Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make our nation's Capitol look as if it conforms
with other state policies; these are given only as suggestions and are readily unenforceable.
(11) Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't
mean that a Beltway driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster
in your spot.
(12) Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in
downtown DC.
(13) Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a
tire. If you're lucky, you may see the unwitting breakdown victim get mugged. (The proceeds of
such ventures are vested directly into the Democratic front-runner's campaign for Mayor.)
(14) Learn to swerve abruptly. The DC / Metro area is the home of the high-speed slalom
driving thanks to VDOT, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep
them on their toes.
(15) It is traditional in DC to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the
light changes. The city is founded upon such traditions.
(16) Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
(17) Giving the finger may invite armed retaliation.
(18) All unmarked exits lead to Southeast DC.
How To Identify Where Drivers Are From
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: - New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: - Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator. - Boston
One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: - California *with gun in lap: - L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: - Ohio, but driving
in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back
seat: - Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: - Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the
accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: - Texas city male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving
down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on
the left side of the road: - Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair,
one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on
the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid
handle in the glove compartment: - Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror
to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: - Colorado
One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and
firing repeatedly keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to
come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: - Colorado
resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel
tails attached to antenna: - West Virginia male.
Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: -
Las Vegas
The New GTO
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1970 Ram Air IV GTO Judge. He takes
it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years
old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind
of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1970 Ram Air IV GTO Judge. It cost
15,000 dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because
this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks,
"Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head
in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a
pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man
just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the speedometer reads 180 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down
to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my GTO?!" the young man asks himself Then, ahead of
him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite
direction! And it looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How
could a moped outrun a GTO?!" But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh
Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps
out, and it IS the old man!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Omigod! Is there
anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders
...from your side-view mirror..."
The Highway Patrol
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place..
.. The man says, "What's the problem officer?" Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh, Harry You were going 80.
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken
taillight. Man: Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight! Wife: Oh Harry, you've
known about that taillight for weeks. [Man gives his wife another dirty look.] Officer: I'm
also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off
when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man turns
to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!" Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does
your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."
Computers Vs Cars
Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the
accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors. The comparison went like this: If
automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you
would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per
hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a
gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50. In
response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that
crashes twice a day?
GM INTRODUCES NEW INSTANT-WIN AIRBAGS - DETROIT
With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since
1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which
award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object,
will come standard in all of the company's 2003 cars. "Auto accidents have never been so
exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost
2003 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next nonfatal
collision could mean a trip for two to Superbowl in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil
gasoline." Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 2003, the airbag promotion is
already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive. "As soon as my
car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, "Oh, boy, this could be it - I could
be a big winner!" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his
wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and
slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen
was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could
read that airbag!" "It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp,
speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain
haemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars trying to win those
Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets even if it
kills me!" Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac
Bonneville and drive it into a tree. GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been
so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable.
After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said.
"But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash.
Who wouldn't like that" Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed,
that prize will be awarded to the next of kin. According to GM's official contest rules, odds
of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 2003 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical
experts, however, say the realchances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the
odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place -- approximately 1 in 720,000 --
the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31
trillion." Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will
inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA,
resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totalled, and because it was the side of my car that got
hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver,
who rammed my side with the front of his 2002 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift
certificate. That's just wrong".
Subject: [GTO] NC - Driving humor from CHP, NTSB & LAPD
Got these from the Ch*v*ll* List, Pretty Funny!
Top 11 Things not to say to a cop.
1. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
2. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
3. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
4. Are you Andy or Barney?
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
6. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
7. I pay your salary!
8. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!
9. Do you know why you pulled me over? OK, just so one of us does.
10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how
far ahead of me they are.
11. When the officer says, "Son, your eyes look red-have you been drinking?" you probably
shouldn't respond with, "Officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
This was an letter sent into Chevy High Performance November 2000.
Black Box
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project
with the US auto maker Ford for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing
black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents,
the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of
the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my
beer and watch this!"
Recently, an officer from the LAPD was asked:
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
His reply: I don't know, but give me 10 minutes with him and I'll find out.
Q: How many police officers does it take to push a handcuffed man down a flight of stairs?
A: None, he fell.
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