Jonny Topskin Polls

What is the best Scotty Too Hottie story?

Unfortunately, I can't create a poll that will let us select numbers 1 - 10. The polls I can create will only honor one selection. So, in order to properly create this top ten, please email your top ten list to jonnytopskins@hotmail.com.

A) After a hard night of drinking with Kelly Coughdrop, Scott, Mark, and Kelly return to the University of San Francisco Dance Team hotel room. Scott and some sweet little pitcher begin the lickin and the slobbin. Thinking that everyone else in the room is asleep or otherwise preoccupied, Scott and his dance partner begin the sweet whispers. Suddenly in a rather anguished voice, Scott speaks up. In the midst of batting practice, Scott proceeds to tell the female that he “has to go to the bathroom, but I don't want to leave you.” This was followed by “when are you going to be back in San Diego, because I really want to see you again.” A crime was committed against decency and Pete Rose can’t believe his name is associated with these statements.

B) After peeing in an alleyway, Scott proceeds to run from the cops into an apartment with no back door. Needless to say he spent the remainder of the evening swallowing vomit and possibly other things in jail.

C) St. Patrick’s Day 2001 – Scott holds a conversation with a person outside of the bathroom line while his mouth is full of vomit, swallows it down, and later tumbles down the world’s tallest escalator in DC, tearing the clothes off of his body, then lying on the descending stairs as they approach the little teeth at the bottom. He had to be saved again.

D) During another stint in the batting cage sophomore year, Scott/Pete Rose was hitting singles and then told the girl that he had to go to the bathroom and never came back

E) Pretending to be Boris “the gibberish speaking Russian”, Scott proceeded to spend an entire Dave Matthews Band concert hitting singles, and being denied doubles, with Dom Delouise – “Best Dave Show EVER!”

F) The neighbors in San Diego threw a BBQ. Scott began drinking early, as he often does. Scott began stumbling and slurring, as he often does. Scott began talking to a female – is that you Pete Rose? A little later in the evening, Mark joins the festivities. Scott, Mark, and the unsuspecting innocent female were sitting on lawn chairs in the back yard. Mark and the female were speaking of Simpsons and rap concerts. Scott had been silent for some time. During this conversation this female was having with Mark, she stood up to emphasize a point. She was jumping up and down cheering, as if she were at that concert at present. Apparently in Scott’s love fest world, he thought that it was a concert, he was Brett Michaels and she was a groupie just waiting for his poison snake bite, because Scott stood up, walked, or should I say ambled over to the female, and planted a sneak attack kiss on her. She attempted to surface pushing Scott away saying “no, stop, etc.” to which Scott put one finger to his lips and gave her a reassuring “ssshhhh, ssshhhh, it’s ok” and dove back in for another swing at the plate. After the strikeout, Scott returned to his seat in the dugout, said not a word, and finally wondered off into the night.

G) After a long night of boozing Scottie too hottie climbs into the top bunk to get some sleep. Randy, Brad, and Dan continue to get our drink on. Somewhere along the line Scott hops out of bed and throws on his glasses. To describe the look on his face in one word...EVIL. Then he proceeds towards the corner of the room. Drops his draws and starts to drain his yam bag. In effort to stop evil Scott from continuing this debauchery, Randy kinda says, "hey dude what are you doing?!??!" Scott, now full stream ahead, pushes randy away and finishes changing room 416 into the Yellow river. Then as if nothing had happened he climbs back into bed and goes right to sleep. The three of us are is such disbelief of what just occurred, but his piss soaked socks that were hanging off the bed were a constant reminder that Scott HAD actually lost him mind.

H) Following a concert in San Diego, Scott and Mark made their way on down to the local beach with a hand of tanqueray. Meeting some beach folks, they thought they had made friends, companions, bang buddies. All was going well, until one of their gorilla friends runs up to an oblivious Scott Taylor and gives him the old KO right. Just like Glassjaw, Scott fell to the ground, only to be pounced upon by the angry, angry man (is this Angry Jim, done come back to git him?). After the melee is over, Scott giggles his way through the evening.

I) Scott was hammered and Dan and Brad weren't. We were up in this girl Joanna's room freshman year and she had a huge tub of animal crackers. Scott was all hungry and wanted some. He was on the other side of the room all slumped over and we said we'd give him an animal cracker if he could make the sound of the animal that we pulled out of the tub. So he would sit there barely able to lift his head making all these animal sounds then we'd throw him a cracker. I think we did it for about a half hour straight

J) We were drinking real late in the dorms and Randall went into his room to hook up with Melissa Balance and Scott and I (Brad) sat outside the door. We starting knocking and he wouldn't answer. I went to my room and got my phone and we sat outside the door calling Randall and leaving messages. We kept telling him that we could hear the bed creaking up and down. Then we proceeded to make the bed creaking noises into the phone in rhythm with the actually sounds coming from the room. Then we ripped some lame dorm sign off the wall and made a new sign on the back that was a picture of "Playtown: Population 2" and wrote "Randy is the mayor of Playtown" on it. So scoot thought this was all so funny that some where along the line he must have pissed him self cause at the end of the debacle I looked down and noticed his pants were soaked all the way around the waist.

K) We were sitting around boozin and Scott picks up his guitar and gives it to Brad and tells him to tune it. So Brad doesn't know what he’s doing but he’s trying to tune it. Scott gets all evil looking and looks at the person next to him and thinks he is whispering but he's real loud and goes "I'm gonna kick him!" then he starts wailing on Brad.

L) I think we smoked all this kind bud with Cory and went to a party hen went back to Amy's house (Brendan Madigan’s girl). She was with this girl from home who got us all smoked out. Like this chick just kept rolling J after J and passing it around the table to the point where I think there were more J's than people. When we walked home Scott was tripping out and said that he couldn't see anything in any other color than red.

M) It was the last night of school freshman year so we (Scott and Brad) had been drinking since the night before - and in my case right through exams that morning - so Scott and I decide to find everything we could that was glass in the dorm rooms and run downstairs and throw it off the porch and break it. So we'd get one thing run downstairs throw it up and stare at it and when it hit the ground we'd jump up in the air and yell then die laughing as we ran back into the dorm in search of more glass. Then later that night we were going a party in Jefferson and we had a bottle of gold shlagger and some bottle rockets. We were on our way over and decided to light some - it was dark and we couldn't see who was in front of us so we lit one and shot it straight ahead and almost hit an RA. Later that night we were TP'ing the yard between dorms. Fat bob comes out and yells at us so we take off back toward Randolph Hall we turn around and he is chugging across the lawn chasing after us. Imagine that fat blob running. Anyway my key was around my neck so we had a hard time getting the door open but we got it open just in time before he could get to us. As we opened the door and ran in I yelled, "hurry up before he eats us!"

N) It was a junior ring week thing at toppings apt. They busted in and the only way out was to jump off the third floor balcony, which Scott did, then ran about 2 miles to your house on Adams st.