(posted to the #callahans mailing list)

This is my first time posting to the list. And it's *long*. I usually sit back and wait, because in most cases, someone else harboring the same thoughts or opinion(s) I do will speak up.

Let me first say I have wonderful parents. They have done everything in their power to raise me in the best way they can. And, IMO, they have done a wonderful job doing so. They told me "no." (Something which I'm *most* thankful for. NOW. I hated it back then. :) They made sure they knew where I was going, who I was going to be with, what I would be doing, and how to contact me at any given time, much to my irritation when I was younger. And they *never* hesitated to tell me "no" if any of these conditions weren't met, or weren't met to their satisfaction. A few years ago, I screamed and ranted and whined and complained. Now I'm very very thankful and only hope that I can raise whatever future children I might have at least as well as I feel I have been raised.

We need to remember that kids are different people. They are separate individual people. They are not parent-clones. (Or peer-clones, for that matter.) No, I do not hold the parents of any child who is in trouble or causes trouble -fully- (Note the word "fully"; they are responsible for raising the child and instilling some sort of value system) responsible for the child's actions, (in ref. to older children; really little ones are still learning the basics). Yes, I most definitely *will* hold the parent responsible to do the very best that they can do.

Yes, I got into trouble when I was in my earlier teens. I wasn't pure and perfect. There are things that I did that my parents had absolutely no control over, no matter how hard they tried. And the same is true for all parents. No matter how hard one tries, your child is going to do things you won't like. The decisions I made were mine. Not theirs, no matter how much they may have *wanted* to make those decisions for me.

Thankfully, they helped instill in me something called a conscience. They tried to encourage my rebellious attitude and my "question everything" mind in a way that was helpful to myself and to those around me, not destructive.

Yes, sometimes I felt as though I just hated them. But then I'd get over it and move onto something new that I know now must have just tried their patience to no end. :) (I take credit for half the grey hair on my father's head...) :)

The kids at school were different. For the longest time I had a little trouble making friends; I seemed always a bit late picking up on certain social skills that almost everyone else seemed blessed with from birth. Maybe it was because I moved around a lot, but you know, I wouldn't trade moving around when I was little for popularity. At all. Then or now.

Kids wouldn't talk to me; I wasn't popular and was made fun of a bit. During one particularly stressful transition, I stayed with my grandmother and went to school here in town. I spent the end of eighth grade here and it was hell for me. My first day there, this girl slammed into the locker room in gym class bitching about someone who had made her upset and she told me to "get the fsck out of her way." I moved, and said, "Just because someone else made you mad, doesn't mean you have to yell at me." She looked at me funny and walked off; apparently she decided from that that she didn't like me and the usual bullying, teasing, being made fun of and threats ensued.

Suddenly it seemed as though everyone was against me; hated me without even knowing me. Someone warned me not to go into the girls' bathroom because they, (those who didn't like me) would be waiting for me, to beat me up or do some other not nice things. Most likely to try and get in a fight. So I didn't. I walked through those halls with my head held high, (I had just read Gone With The Wind) :) And ignored mean comments and threats, came home and bawled my eyes out, begging not to be sent to school the next day.

Well, one day I raised my hand and asked to go to the bathroom in the middle of class, being mindful of the warnings of between classes bathroom trips. I walk out and just as I'm leaving this guy hissed "Racist" as I passed. I was shocked, even though I had already been half aware of this new rumor, which was an attempt to get the black girls in the school after me, too. I decided to ignore it, once again and I had just returned from the bathroom when he said it *really* loud and everyone looked up from their work and stared at me.

I was mortified and hurt but for the first time I was angry. I didn't sit down, and the teacher and everyone else stared as with a white hot fury but in a not-yelling not-hysterical voice I proceeded to correct him. I pointed out that I was not, in fact, racist. I pointed out that I was probably more accepting of different people than he could imagine, and I also pointed out that, moving around all my life, it would *not* have benefitted me in the least to be racist. I can't remember *all* that I said, but the teacher didn't bother to say a word to me and as I sat down, she quietly asked the girl sitting next to me what he had said in a kinda "wow" type of voice. She then proceeded to go to the next lesson. My best guess is she had heard from her son or another student, or had seen for herself what I was being faced with.

Well, that didn't make the kids stop hating me. But it killed that little rumor and earned me some respect, whether because of the views I stated or in the manner I did it. At any rate, word got around and some of the kids who might have hated me because of that rumor chose to ignore the other rumors and calls to fights against me. And I'm sure it was a *whole* lot worse for some other people; it seems to me that boys seemed more prone to actually getting physically harmed than girls do; I seem to remember lots of guys hurt with black eyes and scarred fists and broken jaws than girls...but that's just a casual observation. My point is that I know some people had it worse than simply threats and verbal abuse and being social outcasts. OTOH, some probably had it better. Please remember that I'm simply speaking from my own experience.

Note here: Regardless of this bad experience; regardless of some of the hard times, I wouldn't trade my public school experience for anything. I wouldn't have gone to a private school even if I had had the chance.

Anyway, yes, it's because I was taught to "talk things out" that I didn't just hit him over the head with a book or bust out into tears, although I wanted to do both very much. And you know, I could have. Yes, the way I was raised did play a large part in how I handled that situation. But it was, ultimately, my choice to not engage in violence.

It was when my dad explained to my brother and I, (I don't remember how old I was; must've been fifth grade or so) that when either of us got into trouble, *he* got into trouble at work, (He was in the Air Force) that I got a little angry about the whole 'blame' thing. I remember arguing with him for a few minutes that if I got into trouble, it was my fault, not his.

That is why I can't see blaming:

The Parents-if they (honestly) do the best they can, *I* certainly can't expect any more of them. The decision to take action or not take action is, ultimately, the child's decision. Parents, don't lose hope. You can, if you start early, influence their decisions by teaching them and raising them the best way you can. If I hadn't been taught to "talk it out" and that "violence isn't the way" then I might very well have hit that guy over the head with a book instead of just "telling him off." Don't underestimate your influence in your child's life. Just don't *over* estimate it, either: You can't make their decisions *for* them.

The Entertainment Industry: It's the "ENTERTAINMENT" industry. I learned the difference between fiction and non-fiction when I was little; I keep wondering if some of the older adults who claim that teens see this stuff and think it's real think we (teens) are stupid. We see violence, we see sex. What's your point? I like a good car chase or an explosion or a fight. I like sex scenes. I will continue to pay money to see both. I don't like to watch movies that make me cry at the end, so I don't watch them. The point is that I get to choose what I watch and don't watch, what games I play, what music I listen to. And no, I don't play "Doom" and such because the movements make me nauseous, not because I have any "moral" objection. I listen rap music, with explicit lyrics and the little 'parental advisory' printed on it. I listen because I like it; that doesn't mean I'm going to call other women "bitches" or shoot someone or take drugs or ride around flashing gang signs or that I don't like homosexual people. I buy the music because I like the music. I'm sure the same goes with most other people. You choose the entertainment you like.

Advertising: Okay, a long time ago I asked my dad why there were so many commercials during tv movies. He said "To give you time to go to the bathroom." :) I can live without commercials and I tune 99.9% of them out. All the people who do them want is to take my money. And I pretty much ignore them; they're wasting *their* money. Don't get me wrong; commercials do have their uses. The aforementioned bathroom break, for one :) And I like the cute ones :) But just because I hear a jingle, it doesn't mean that I'm going to buy your product. I don't need hemorroid cream. Watching a Preparation H commercial or seeing an ad is *NOT* going to make me go out and buy some. The same holds true for cigarettes. And condoms in schools. Having condoms available to me doesn't mean I'm going to rush out and have sex. But that's a different rant ;)

The Internet: I have more information at my fingertips now than I would have without the internet. This, IMO, is a good thing. Some of that information, ie bomb making, pornography, hate pages, etc. I'm simply not interested in. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that this information shouldn't be on the 'net. I'm not saying that people who look at bomb making and porn are bad. I'm simply saying I'm not interested in it and choose not seek the information contained at such sites. Other people may be interested in such and that's perfectly fine. I would *NOT*, I repeat *NOT* support any kind of attempt to ban information such as bomb making and pornography and whatnot on the net. I may not be interested in it, but I'm certainly not going to tell those who are that they can't have access to the information.

Also, this leads me off on a tiny tangent I'd like to address: The whole religion thing. I promise it will be short; Well..heh...relatively so :) When I was at school, the administrators made a guy call his parents to bring him a new shirt because he had a pentacle on it, on the premise that it was "disruptive to class." I couldn't help but notice that there were several classmates with Christian symbols on their shirts. Don't get me wrong; there is no Christian bashing here. There IS, however, due to my little rebel streak, policy/administration bashing. My take on this is if you're going to ban one, ban all. If you aren't going to ban all, don't ban any. The kid with the pentacle had just as much right to wear his shirt as the kids with the crosses. Lets turn this around a bit; I've noticed among some people, don't ask who, I couldn't name names, who think it's perfectly okay to sit back and say, "Christians this, Christians that, all things Christian are not-nice and I'm going to disregard what the Christian says or believes simply because he/she is repeating things like they've been brainwashed." (And yes, I've heard someone say that.) I understand that the basis of this is certain not-nice feelings, but if you heard a Christian say such about a Wiccan, you'd have a fit, no? (I'm sure some do say bad things about Wiccans, but that isn't the point. You'd react unhappily.) Anyway, my point is, to me it is just as wrong to criticize Christians as it is for Christians to criticize Wiccans. It's like holding up a mirror. If you want the people of this widespread religion to not bash on you, to accept you the way you are, or at least Respect your views as you (and I) so loudly demand, you need to be able to respect *their* views, too.

Anyway, my point about the blaming thing is that because I see it on tv or in the movies or hear it in my music, doesn't mean that I'm going to go out and do something I don't think is right. Yes, it can be pointed out that my ideas of "right" and "wrong" are instilled somewhat by the environment around me, but I point out that most of all, my ideas of "right" and "wrong" were instilled by my parents. But I can also think for myself. I'm not a clone of my parents; and as I grew older I realized I did not agree with them on many things. That doesn't mean I respect my parents any less; it simply means that I have a mind and feelings of my own. So if I do something wrong, I admit up to it and I take whatever consequences ensue. The feeling I get, or the general idea that I'm picking up on from a lot of older adults (mainly in the media) is that teenagers are not capable of thinking for themselves, either when they try to point the finger at their influences, or when they try to 'fix' the problems. I haven't really heard anyone on television say, "Hey. These kids are capable of thinking for themselves. They made their own decisions. They made the decision to make fun of other people. And these others decided how to deal with it. We think such and such influenced their decisions; but we don't need to *ban* such and such or point "blame". We need to counteract the negative affects of such and such in -those children who are too young to know the difference between fiction/entertainment and real life.- We also need to discuss and point out the differences to those who *don't* know and reiterate to those who do know that simply because this is being shown in a movie or talked about in a song does *not* mean that it is acceptable to go out and do it. At the very least ask an adult before considering such actions. We need to help people learn how to control anger and to deal with hurt and disappointment in constructive ways. But banning things and blaming things isn't going to help at all. Pinpointing influences on decisions may help, but it isn't a cure-all to take those influences away, and certainly not to interfere with the way other people raise their children. We need to watch how the kids *react* to these influences; how they think for themselves and try to lead them in a positive direction, yet not presume they are incapable of thinking for themselves in such away that we assume we have to think for them, that they are wrongwrongwrong..." etc. Well, you get the gist.

I have seen several people on this list make good points similar to that above; I'm not trying to say that there aren't people who think like this. I'm simply saying that I haven't seen anyone on *TELEVISION* who does; maybe I'm not looking hard enough.

In any case...well, there you have it.

Feel free to write back with rebuttals and opposing viewpoints; I'll be happy to argue with you and if you state your opinion in a reasonable manner and convincingly, I might even begin to see it your way.... :)

Thank you for your patience with the length of this...

Jez