After having Lillian in September of 1998, Jim and I decided it would be best to wait at least a year to start trying for another baby. We wanted to give my body time to heal from having 2 babies in less than a year. 5 weeks after Lillian's birth, I had an IUD inserted, the life of birth control from an IUD is about 10 years, and although I knew I didn't want an IUD for that long, I thought that it would be better for my body than all of the up's and down's from the hormones in the pill, and shot. I had absoultly no side effects from the IUD, and for once my period became regular. I was very pleased, until May 1999, when after losing his long time job, we also lost the wonderful insurance coverage Jim had gotten from them. We didn't know how long Jim would be out of work for, or if and when his new job would offere medical coverage, but I did know that I did not want the IUD in any longer. For about a week and a half, I had been having pregnancy symptoms, everyone thought it was strange, including me! I knew that the failure rate of an IUD was less than 3%. Was there any way that I could be pregnant? The more I thought about this, the more excited I got about it....it wasn't planned but greatly anticipated! Jim even got into the spirit of things once I came home from the Doctor's office, and told him that I was indeed pregnant...and 6 weeks along, due JANUARY 7th 2000!!!!!
A MILLENNIUM BABY! I told him about the Dr. visit, where I had the nurse it utter disbelief that I knew I was pregnant, so sure (by the time I got there I had convinced myself) as she tried to tell me the impossibility of this. I could hear her out in the hall taking to the doctor, saying, "She thinks she's pregnant", and a little laugh come from the Doc! I was shocked! This DID happen to other people, didn't it? The nurse came in and asked me if I wanted a pregnancy test, of course I did. I took the test and we waited, and half-way through our conversation about "Why I thought I might be pregnant", she stopped talking and said, "Well, you were right! It's positive!". She could see the joy and exitement on my face, and came over and hugged me straight away!
But I still have the IUD in place, I had read all of the warnings in the pamphlet I had kept, and things did not look too great. Risks in removing the IUD, risks in leaving it in! I was very scared.
My doctor and I chose to remove the IUD, sonce one of the biggest risks in leaving it in is PROM, (premature rupture of the membranes) which is a great risk to an underdeveloped fetus, and from what I read the number one cause of infant death in those who kept their IUD. I could not handle the thought of that. So, removal. We went to the Ultrasound room, the same room where I got my first glimpse of my baby girl, Lillian. An internal US was completed, and YUP there was my baby, so small, and fragile. Measuring 6 weeks 1 day...everything looked great, except for the fact taht I still had the IUD in. So the doctor found the IUD, which had lodged itself into my cervix, and carefully, painlessly, removed it. I was told that I may experience bleeding and or cramping, and that if I did start to miscarry, there was really nothing that they could do for me. I went home totally scared and extremely happy! When I walked in and told Jim, the first thing that he said to me was, "If it is another girl, let's call her Milli, for the Millennium." PERFECT!
And as I had a scheduled c-section for Lilly, I figured that put me really close to January 1st. I told everyone about my millennium baby, right away...(we waited 14 weeks to tell anyone about Lillian). I posted to my lists, I re-subbed to SPALS (Subsequent Pregnancy After a Loss Support), and I took it easy, resting for hours, every chance I could, I was not taking any chances over-exerting myself, and *causing* a miscarriage. the next week I went back to the doctors office for my 7 week ultrasound. I was anxious but in my heart *knew* everything would be ok, I felt great, no bleeding, no crapming! The sonographer performed the US and didn't say a word...I knew something was wrong, I saw no heartbeat, was it still to early? Was the tiny baby in the wrong position? I started to cry and asked her "Is there a heartbeat?", "That is what I am looking for" she said, I was SOOooo long, I knew there wasn't one. She measured and re-measured, she checked and re-checked, and finally called in the doctor. Once he came in, he immeadiatly had her start another US, and while she was doing that, he told me taht they could not find a heartbeat, but not to lose hope, it still may be too early, the baby may be positioned wrong, something, anything. He said they were confused because the baby was "Right on for dates", meaning I was 7 weeks 1 day pregnant, and the baby measured 7 weeks and one day. All I could think in my head was, the baby must have died today then. he decided to see me again in a week, and not to lose hope. My hope was already gone. When I came home Jim and Lilly were playing together, she had found a Oreo, whic had fallen out of the bag Jim was eating eariler, and her entire face was Oreo black! It was the funniest/saddist moment of my life. I told Jim, that the baby was probabaly gone, he was saddened, so looking forward to a little Milli, but he knew the reality of the situation for him, this was not like Noble, who was REAL, who was HERE! For me it was different, I spent that next week praying, pleading, crying, and hopeing, that the next US there would be a heartbeat! 8 weeks, 1 day...next US, the doctor was already in the room waiting for us, I made Jim come with me. And we saw nothing, not even that lovely form I had definitely seen on the US the previous week, I SAW a baby then, now nothing, a mere blob, I knew right then and was devistated. The sonographer cried, Jim cried, I cried, and the doctor cried. MAY 28th 1999
I decided to wait until the 14th of June to schedule a D&C, I wanted just to miscarry on my own, that was not to happen either. On sunday the 10th, I began to finally bleed, just a little with a little discomfort. I talked with many women who had experienced miscarriages, and they all told me how theirs went. By monday night at 10 pm, I was at the threshold of my pain tolerance, I decided to take a bath, and go to bed. After my bath, almost immeadiatly, I started cramping severely. I went to the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and blood gushed out of me, I knew I was hemmoraging, and I was terrified. I told Jim to go get my sister, who lives a few city blocks away, he thought I was joking, a loud scream assured him I was not! He was gone all but 10 monutes, but in that time I had soaked throug at least 6 pads. I bled and hurt like never before. I met Jim at thae car and told him to hurry, we got to the hospital in 15 minutes, told the nurse at the deak what was going on, immeadiatly got into a room, and was checked. When the on call doctor looked at me she turned away and called my OB. I asked if I was hemmoraging, "I wouldn't go that far" she said. My on call OB got there just after the administered some medication for me, and I had finally started feeling better. After checking me out she said, "If we don't get her to the OR she WILL die". Those words RANG in my ears, as I pled with Jim, "Don't let me die, what will Lilly do without me", and in my mind I thought, "What a stupid thing to die from...stupid....". And then it was like I decided that I wouldn't die, I knew I would be fine, (my angels guiding me). 2 hours after the emergency D&C I left the hospital, feeling ALIVE, and thankful, and sad, my baby was really gone.
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