Just when you thought it was safe...

Time to lock the doors and shoot the neighbours, Swyndle's License is back in effect. That's right, kids, stay off the sidewalks, 'cause I sure as hell am NOT dealing with traffic.

And now I'll tell you why.

See this town needs an enema. No really, it really does. I have become the living embodiment of road rage all because there's three lanes of traffic going my way alone, there's approximately 400,000 people here and only six of us know how to drive. And no, you probably aren't one of us.

Now get this, I'm not just madly ranting on because some idiot cut me off, this is a legitimate, factual, outright disgrace. I went to take my driving exam. I had had my license revoked so I had to take both the written and the driven portions. I walk in, wait in line get signed in, go sit and wait, get called up to the counter, go fill in twenty circles with the correct answers, (It's all about telling them what they want to hear), turn in my test, get graded, and go sit in the car to wait for the driving test bitch to come out so I can drive.

Yet the five people who were taking the written test before I even walked into the joint were Still trying to figure out what the octagon shaped sign indicated. A.yeild B.Stop or C.Piss-break.

It's not like the thing actually said, "Octagon shaped sign." it had a friggin' picture of the thing!

It also occurred to me that it was in the low rent area of town and there were a few people there that I witnessed speaking Spanish. But guess what, cousin? They have the test en Espanola so that couldn't have been it. Hell, most of the English signs in the place were preceeded by Spanish ones that, I assume, conveyed the same messages.

Then there are the special idiots who actually have managed to get a license within my lifetime. You know who you are. That's right YOU, that guy in the Saab 900, let me tell you something, I'd sob to if I had one of those. Or maybe You, in the Volvo turbo-wagon. Is it just me, or is it wrong to have the words "Volvo" and "turbo" in the same sentence?

You know those cretins who cut in front of deisels on the freeway? Well here's a new one, I'm cruising along at 20 miles over the speed limit, when Optimus frickin' Prime rolls up behind me. Welcome to my trunk, asshole, would you like fries with that?

My god, was I not close enough to getting a ticket for you? Did someone tell you how spacious the trunk was and you thought you'd get some sleep while I finished hauling for you?

Oh, and here's a good one, have you seen those new hallogen head-lamps? These things are great, they give you better visibility at night, and blind the fuck out of everyone else on the road. This is the first time I've ever had to readjust the mirror because the Hyundai behind me had his lights on. And don't even get me started on those big-ass Dodge trucks.

I think I'm gonna assemble a device that when activated, lifts the trunk lid, raising a 3' x 3' mirror just for these special fuckheads.

And when precicely the hell did it become okay to drive 'round with your fog-lights on? Particularly when they're six feet above the ground? I see these bastards do this all the time, but I have yet to see them get pulled over for it.

To be honest, I'm not sure who's worse, the lowrider, rollerskate-looking Civics, with their colonic distress inducing bass, or the friggin' hillbillies and their batsignals.

Who feeds you people!?!

That's just my opinion, you know you want one of your own.

~Swyndle

Uploaded 11th December 1999