We went fishing at Bear Lake, no little fishes caught. I thought a lot about Samantha, more of how I felt, with myself and about her. What she is feeling, I have no clue, and I’d really like to know. As more time passed by, I kept thinking of her more and more. I want so badly for us to be together, I never felt so much love for anyone before, and I doubt that I could feel as much as I have for her with someone else. Why can’t I just be with her? I don’t have an obsession as she told me, I’m not that type.
Someone said I’m in a circle, and I’m blind. I can’t see past this “circle.” “I don’t really see what I need to see,” they say. I know what I see, I see everything, my faults, my mistakes, just not in time though. I can’t explain it, I can control myself now as before I didn’t think I could.
Many have said I’m too young. True, but I’m more mature than I should be. At least enough to know who and what I need or want. I have my goals set for my future, it was all planned. I did anyhow, if its without her, then I got no goals or a future planned, I have to start over, this time....maybe alone.
I told her I went to Papa John’s to break up, but not what I really wanted to say. I would never want to break up, but it’s what I said. Take a “break,” yeah, that’s what I honestly meant to say. She don’t believe me though. Well, it was a mistake to even be thinking about that, a “break,” but shit, why did I do something so stupid!? I’ll never know...
I don’t want no other girl really, she is the one I wanted, so I think now anyhow. I want Samantha, my heart calls out for her, so does my soul. No other girl can be in my life, or worth being with...except her. ( I know I said that then...and at times, I still mean it...but honestly, it still is what I want, until another girl comes around and kind of, you know...whatever....)
I want to be forgive so badly for all the things I did wrong. I’d like one more chance at this, one more go. I’d ask, but my way never works out right. She don’t want me to mess with her, like to be out of her life it seems. Is that really true? I’ll never truly know.
Her mom’s mad at me, I can understand. I’m mat at myself, I made a mistake, a huge one, I just hope and pray to God I can be forgive and hope they forgive me as well. I don’t want to act like nothing’s happened, but so many people want me to. I’ve learned my lesson, I promise not to do it again. I’ll do whatever it takes, I’ll be a different man. I’ll be better to her, whatever it is she needs, I’ll give to her, just...one more chance.
“Many fish in the sea,” many others have said. True, I know. But I’ve caught the big one! Well, so it seemed...guess my line just broke, and she swam away, kind of feel funny in relating the one I love to a fish... :) I tried to keep her, keep her in my grasp, in my arms...somehow she slipped...or I did.
Never in my life has it been so hard to live through the whole day, and find my bed there waiting for me to take me into my dream world where I have everything I could ever want. It’s so hard to cry. Just being with my dad, he’d bring her up and I’d just...choke almost. Singing or listening to the song “Angel” by Amanda Perez on the radio makes me cry almost. Trying to be a strong person...isn’t coming so easily.
Someone said to leave, just screw her and find someone else, and not to worry about her. For me to not to look back and think about her. If I did that, the person I’d find, I’d feel like I’m there just for a rebound, you know? That isn’t me. Shit, I love this girl, I don’t want to go without a fight. I’ll always look back, she’s my first TRUE love, I REALLY LOVE Samantha.
I really dislike it when people say I don’t know what “love” is. How in the hell do YOU know what I feel? If I don’t know, then why don’t you fucking tell me? I know how I feel, what I feel is love. This is how I explain love in simple words and terms:
Never let go of this person, always be honest and never lie. Tell her you love her every chance you get, you got this lovin’ feeling constantly. You dream of her often, you think of her a lot, your heart and soul tell you she’s for you, you’re just head-over-heels for her. You hearts beats an irregular beat when she’s around. Her hands fit yours perfectly. You love her personality. You write love poems about her, and to her, friends continuously tell you how cute you both look. You just got this feeling deep down, and it feels so right whenever you hold hands, or hug, or kiss, and whenever you say “I love you” to her. That’s love to me...in the simplest words I could put it, but there’s more...but enough.
I think about all those, and I feel like those, and I try to do all those, to complete each one of those goals a day, well the ones that I really can do. All I can do is be patient , let time go by. I just hope and pray she doesn’t find someone else, and no one else finds her...please God help me out.
I talked to Mom, Steve, Mark, Dad, Christina, Lauren, and a few others about this. Good family and friends they are, love them all.
Every moment I’m alone, I can’t help feeling sad and feeling my heart ache. Every moment I am alone, all I think about is her. I AM alone now. I’m not with her, nor with anyone, no one cares, if they did..then...well...they’d show it, and no one really has so far. It’s hard to accept that fact...that she don’t wanna be with me. “Move on” Heather said...Samantha said it too...fuck it.
I got a note saying I cannot be friends with Samantha because she cannot continue to be friends with me. “I don’t want you in my life, can’t you understand that?” No, I can’t. How can someone who you love so much you’d do anything for just be out of someone’s life? It’s impossible. “I don’t hate you, just don’t care about you anymore.”
She was my first real love. She was the person I had my first kiss...my first love. I made that love, we made that love...I was into what we had...but how did it fall apart? If I could take all this back from the beginning knowing this would happen, and not meet her when I did? Hell no. Not a chance...
I miss caressing her cheek, holding her hand, hugging her, the feel of her soft skin and the wonderful feeling of her lips on my own. I miss her saying she loves me, the way she held onto my hand so gently, how she acted towards me with respect, the love for who I was, the every feeling I got from her I would love to feel again...What can I do to get this from her again? Is it even possible to feel like this with her...or anyone else?
The way she talks seems as if we won’t get back together, she don’t want to lead me on. She wants to find someone else, why can I not be the one as she said I was before. Or was I, and just didn’t fulfill her wants and needs? I just don’t know, driving her crazy is her reason plus a few others.
As time passes...I feel worse. I don’t want to eat, drink, or do anything. If I can’t get her, then I’d like to sleep, maybe forever because dreams can only bring a smile to my face. Dreams feel real, wish they were my reality. Dreams are better than reality, because you get what you want...my reality ain’t so great.
I guess I am not eating, because I am fasting for my sins I’ve made. I’m just not eating so much. I used to weigh 145, now I weigh 125...pretty bad fasting. It’s not bothering me any, but something’s got to get better soon, but wish it came faster. I may spend the summer with mom, I had plans to be with Samantha all summer, well can’t now. She’ll be with someone else now...
I’m trying to move on, harder than I thought. She’s been in my life, knows so much about me, then all of a sudden, she’s not there..better here than completely gone I suppose. ( I wrote a few poems this night, “Turning Away,” “Just,” and “Come Back” and they should be at http://postpoems.com/members/briancrews )
I’m not obsessing. I’m just going after something I love, I cherish, that I hold close to my heart. I was told by my grandfather, “If you love someone or something, don’t let go, ever.” Now I’m told to go on, and fuck it, I am NOT going to let go, I can’t...
I thought about killing myself though, I know she ain’t worth it, but I then thought I wouldn’t have to deal with this pain, this crap. I am to no longer call, talk, or write notes. I’m out of her life now. No longer to be loved, trusted, I’m a nobody now I feel. All because I wanted some advice, an opinion in hopes of finding a way, and I get beat up over it. My first love hates me, does not love me nor like me. Where have I messed up? On the night of April 25, I had a dream that she came over, we talked it all over, and we got back together. We kissed, and when I woke up right after that, my chest was burning in anger, in sadness, in love...from the heartaches. I have no one anymore...
What happened between us? We seemed really happy, so in love, and now I’m not cared for. What happened? Was it all a lie? That’s what I don’t understand, those last few questions.
I’m not trying to get back with her at the moment , because it’s not what I want right now. Just to be friends, regain what I’ve lost, at least some of it. Be able to talk to her, get advice, just to talk, be friends. She’s all I got, or now…what I had.
I hate going to sleep because I start to dream. I dream of what I cannot have. So many good things appear in my dreams, then when I wake up, I find out nothing’s there as I so wished for, for what would make me so happy. So, lately I’ve not been able to sleep so well. I am sure everyone goes through this at some time in their lives, but why now? At this time…
Dad thinks I’m going to starve myself to death or something because I am not eating so much. No, I’m not, just not having such of an appetite. He thinks this because I am down a lot, well duh? Yeah, well what person who’s going through what I am going through not going to take some action to like, show that their not doing okay? I mean, there’s a lot on my mind.
I’m not going to wear my ring she gave me anymore. It was a promise ring…it is now broken. I’ve got no more promises in it, so what’s the point in wearing it? It meant so much to me, and still does…but now there’s no point in having it really…but I won’t get rid of it, I can’t.
We talked in first period. Good, I feel a little better now. So many things on my chest, now they’re gone, done and said. I hope that the fate in our relationship as friends will turn good. I never knew she still loved me, I thought she still hated me and she meant it true. She lied to me just to try and drive me away. My heart doesn’t ache as much, that’s a little good. All the poems I’ve writeen were of thoughts and feelings. (You can sort of point out which were about her in my poems page, http://www.postpoems.com/members/briancrews ). In first though, I wanted so bad to kiss her, hold her, but I knew I couldn’t. Maybe I should’ve, but I never did. I didn’t because it’d hurt me too, so much more than I felt before, knowing I could kiss her, but not able to be with her. She’s trying not to love me, I won’t try to stop loving her. If my heart loves her, hell, I am not going to stop something that makes my heart believe that we’re meant to be. She wrote to me when she read my journal entry about wanting to kiss her, she wrote, “You have no idea of how bad that I wanted to kiss you.” I am not going to stop loving her, I am not going to stop what my heart desires, I am not that person to give up.
I don’t know what I exactly to feel, or to think. I don’t want to think or feel anything wrong and act on it. So I won’t do anything yet, unless I’m sure. I probably won’t, because it’s not right to. She don’t want to as she said, so I guess I’ve no real good reason to try and act on something.
In fifth period that day, I wondered about a lot of things. We’re talking now, that makes me feel better. Doyle talked to me, some mostly about Samantha and Josh. He don’t like Josh that much, I agree with him on most things he said about him. He said not to go out anymore in high school, to just enjoy being single and having fun. He said I don’t need to worry.
Well, I’m not going to follow what he says, or what anyone else says. I am going to follow my heart. Though, I should find out more before I decide anything or do anything about her and I. I mean, I don’t want to try and do something, and get hurt again.
So badly I want her back. She wants us both to move on. I wish I could as easily as she did. It sounds easier than actually done. I’m so in love with this girl, and if I choose to move on…it will be awhile. I wonder if we can be friends, or is this a one day thing? Does she still want me gone? Is it really impossible for us to get back together? Only time can tell.
In my heart, there’s always going to be a place for her, a love that will not and just cannot change. My first true love will always be a love. Never shall this change.
Right now, I just want a friendship until we believe it could work out, if it can’t, then we’ll take what we got. I won’t try anything, just gonna act myself, and fulfill my heart’s desire. Hopefully, it don’t do me wrong.
The day that I wanted to kiss her, I found out the reason why she didn’t do it, because it’s that she was already kissing on someone else, like a few days after we broke up. I heard that and it just…broke everything that I was hoping for that day. I didn’t really show much, but I was hurt deeply. She said, “I want you to move on, I won’t lie on that, but it will hurt to see you with someone else. But I’ll get over it just like you’ll have to.” That hurt to be said to me, that’s something no guy wants to hear, but I was the unfortunate one and it was said to me this time…
As many times it’s explained to me, I won’t understand these two things. What’s with me to get the one I love so deeply to try and not love me back? I grew up a lot in these last 2 weeks in not being with Samantha, seeing all the mistakes I made with her, and things I probably should’ve done and said, but I didn’t. I mean, I’m more mature, more open-minded in others feelings other than my own, though I got to stay the funny and relaxed person I am. I can tell I changed a lot, but I still feel the same, weird ain’t it? So, I ask myself, why would someone turn away from the love I can give? That’s the most hurtful thing in my whole life that I’ve felt. It just, feels weird, and it makes me wonder so much about love.
I don’t care if Samantha hugs, kisses, holds hands with anybody. But a few questions come to mind. You’d only do that stuff to like b/f’s and g/f’s, not with dates, right? I thought that anyhow. First period yesterday, Samantha said she don’t have a boyfriend. Does she say that to avoid me getting hurt? There’s nothing I can do, so no use thinking highly about it. I guess in what she does with other guys is her way to find a way to stop loving me, I don’t know. Some people said I deserve better. How do they know what I deserve? I know what I deserve, I know me, my mistakes, everything there is to know about myself. Don’t tell me what I deserve, or how I feel.
Today, well this morning, I had a strange feeling in my gut. Samantha passed me by, she smiled at someone else, guess she didn’t see me. It’s like,a feeling, a weird one, and I can’t explain it. I guess I don’t know. Like I’m so scared in seeing that she might be with someone else. I’m not quite sure, it’s kind of uncomfortable. I wish it’d go it away. (Later, I found out why I was so scared. I WAS afraid to find her with someone else, I was so jealous. But I can’t do anything about it, which really sucks. I was scared…)
