Wow, so much has happened since my last entry. I do not know where to even begin. For one, I am single. That’s wonderful. I just got back from a camp that has changed my life, my belief in God, and it just has changed me in ways it’d take awhile to explain. I am a new person, with a new goal in life, and a new attitude.
At times, I feel like there are two sides of me. Which side will take a control? Three is the good and the bad side. At times I am good, and I have good thoughts, then out of no where, I have bad thoughts and bad goals. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s weird. I am sure many other people know how I feel.
Anyhow…I just wanted to clear a few things from the last journal entries I’ve made in the past month. All that has changed. I am not such a low pathetic life form anymore. I am a new forged being out from the darkness of depression. What I have become, is something that not one person on Earth can explain. Even myself, I cannot explain it. It’s odd how I have changed. Not just mentally, but physically. It’s like a miracle has happened to me. I think so much differently, so much more concerned with the people that actually mean something to me in my life, and those who are not as “lucky” as I am to be where I am, to feel what I am, to be what I am now.
I do not know what came over me. I just feel like I’ve kept something hidden deep within me, my heart and my soul, and now it has just appeared for the world to see the true me. I am not afraid, I’ve nothing to hide, and I’ve not much lose except my own life. My personality on life and others lives has not changed too much though. I still care for many people, and still love certain few. A new aura gently surrounds my being.
I talked to a friend, Anne Busby (I am sorry if I misspelled your name, my mistake), and I talked to her about certain subjects that seemed to open my mind a little more. It has come to me that, I am not going to allow anyone to get close to me, my heart, or change anything in my life. I should stay true to myself, and not change anything about my life. It is mine, and I will do as I please, as I believe. If I feel it is wrong to do, then I shall not do it. If I feel as if it will make things better for me, for someone else, for God, then I shall do my best to complete that task.
I went to a camp not long ago, just a few days ago to be exact, and my faith in God has changed. It was a Mormon church with about 100 people. Seeing how they do things, how they pray, being around each other, just amazed me. It has influenced to change my life, to where I should feel like I am worthy enough to be in the presence of God when I die. Right now, I have a lot to be happy about, and in return of this happiness I will do many favors that are needed by God. I just have a new grown faith that was never there before. There isn’t much for me to explain, but it feels so great.
As I went to this camp not far away, I met a nice group of people. I got a phone number by this girl who has pretty eyes. She is not a member of the church, neither am I.I called her the same day I came home, she was surprised to hear from me. I thought to myself, “She gave me a number to call, did she not expect me to call?” I thought a little more to myself, “What do people expect of me, and should I do as expected?” My answer was, “No, I should do as I expect myself to do, as my father expects, and how God expects me to do.” That is my answer. I am not sure where I am going with this, just random thoughts of how my faith has changed a little.
When they went to say their testimony, they all cried for some reason. I didn’t understand, nor do I right now. As I sat there, listening to many people, young men and women go up there and say their beliefs, I sat there shaking. I am not sure why, or what was happening to me. As soon as one person sat say, I got right up, stood up there in front of many people I never knew, and people I may never see again, and also those who I just met there. I explained myself of why I was there, from an invitation, and the influence I gain, and the inspiration of being closer to God. Also, I said “Thank you to the girls up right over our rooms who liked to talk through the floors to us, and out the windows. Also, for keeping us guys downstairs awake at night, it was a great experience and nice way of meeting you.” I made everyone laugh. That is what I wanted to do, because just before that, they all were crying. I made them laugh and smile. Doing that made me feel really good, and I am glad that I did it.
I used to think that I was brought here to Earth to make people laugh and smile even when I am sad, or have things bothering me on my mind. I think there is a bigger plan for me. I believe there is. I can’t wait until I get to it.
There is this girl, Lauren something on the net, who I allowed to read my poetry. I let in a little about myself, and somehow, she came out and told me what she liked about me. My personality, my looks, my everything. She said she could easily fall in love with me. I don’t even know this girl. I am not saying she is crazy, or that she is dumb at all. I am not saying for her to take back all that she has said. It just has surprised that someone I never met would say something like to me just through my poetry. I am not sure where I am going with this either, just something to say I guess.
I told myself that I would not allow anyone to get close to me. And I am still trying to fight Lauren Barrow off, somewhat. I do love her, and she loves me, but I do not want her waiting for me for so long, and something come between us. I am not sure what to do. I thought to myself, “I am just going to be myself. If my heart gets close to her, then so be it. If she waits for me, I cannot stop her actions, but I will NOT lead her on. If I feel that she isn’t for me, or that I do not want to her to wait, and just to move on, I will do so.” I know this might hurt her feelings, but I do not want to hurt her any more than I might be already. She just broke up with Kyle.
One thing that is on my mind at the time, is this. Dane is there, and I think he is going to go for it. Not like I can do anything about it. In the way I see it, it’s going to be my decision in a way. Like, it’s going to be put on my shoulders. I would love to date and go out with Lauren, and be it possible that we may get together. It’s that possible, but we are so far away, with a love that could grow. It’s like…a growing seed that has no land to be upon. There’s something growing, but no support under it to allow it to be a plant, or a tree. ANYONE GET IT!?!? Yeah, anyhow, it’s like that. I’ve no more words to say.