Family Guy Quotes

Peter: Now kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.

Stewie: You know mother, life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get. Your life however is more like a box of...active grenades!

Stewie: Well then, my goal becomes clear, the broccoli must die.

Chris: Hey birthday dude, you want some ice cream?
Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

Man: Wow, Lois Griffin. Hey I love your act! Nice melons.
Peter: Hey listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding melons.
Peter: Oh.
Man: And her hooters ain't bad either.
Peter: Now hang on a second there.
Lois: Peter, I'm holding hooters!
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem... Your wife's hot.
Peter: Alright that's it!

Guy 1: Hey, you want a piece of gum?
Guy 2: Oh, thanks.
Guy 1: Ha ha! That was joke gum.
Guy 2: What do you mean?
Guy 1: Now you're addicted to heroin. [laughs]
Guy 2: [laughs then shivers] I'm cold.

Peter: Oh my god. Brian, there's a message in my alphabits. It says "oooo."
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Meg: Chris, you're hogging up all the fans.
Chris: Yeah, well, you're, hogging up all the ugly!

Cop 1 (talking to Brian): Good luck rookie!
Cop 2: You're a credit to the force.
Cop 3: Additional generic cop compliment!

Peter (writing letter): Dear MacGuyver, Enclosed is a rubber band, a paperclip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.

Peter: Fox is running one of those new reality specials at eight. Fast animals, Slow Children.

Teacher: Well class, we were scheduled to watch a PBS Program on the mating rituals of the nude, large breasted Wewak tribe of New Guinea. Unfortunately Megan Griffin ruined TV. So instead we're having a surprise test.

Chris: I didn't even know there was a 5 am mass. I didn't even know there was a 5 am. What else haven't you told me!?!!

Lois: He just left without saying anything? Where would he go?
Peter: I don't know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks.
Brian: I don't care if he ever comes back…I wasn't being cute, I really hope he's dead.

Stewie (reading the Bible): My my, what a thumping good read, lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two by fours. I'll say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.

Stewie: Ah! Damn it! I want pancakes. God! You people understand every language except english. Yo quiero pancakes. Dali mua pancakes. Clik clik bloody clik pancakes.
Foster Mother: Poor little guy, pancakes must be street for crack.

Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
Lois: Ugh, typical male fantasy...women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.

Peter (imagining Hell): Wow. Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth, eh, hey, what, what are you doing here?
Superman: I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book.

Stewie: Ok, ok. I've got it, I've got it. If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer. You'd need an egg calender. Ahhahaha. Oh, that's right. I went there.

Peter: You gonna eat that stapler?
Calahan: Well you, you can't eat a stapler.
Peter: Wanna split it?

Peter: I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?.
Peter: Oh yeah.

Peter (Drinking the Communion wine): Whoa! Is that really the blood of Christ?
Priest: Yes.
Peter: Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day.

Meg: I'm going upstairs right now to eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
Peter and Lois: (blank stare)
Meg: I'm allergic to peanuts!
Peter and Lois: (blank stare)
Meg: You don't know anything about me!
Peter (after Meg runs upstairs): Who was that guy?

Brian: Hola! Um...me, me llamo es Brian. Ahh, uh, um lets see, uh, nosotros queremos ir con ustedes.
Mexican: Hey that was pretty good. But actually when you said, "Me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es." Just, "Me llamo Brian."
Brian: Oh, you speak English.
Mexican: No just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You...you're kidding right?
Mexican: Que?

Teacher: A girl answered a math problem, you know what that means. A WITCH!

Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's, that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!

Stewie: What the deuce! (holds tongue depressor to nurse's throat) Back off. Don't come any closer or I'll cut her. Well, I...I'll give her a, uh, I'll give her a series of splinters, that, that could um, you know, become infected.

Meg: Oh my God. I'm missing the news!
Peter: We all miss The News, Meg, but Huey Lewis needs time to create.

Doctor: Well Rudolph, we finally figured out what makes your nose red.
Rudolph: Is it pixie dust? Or, or leprechaun tails?
Doctor: No, its a tumor.
Rudolph: You mean, like a magical christmas tumor?
Doctor: No... a malignent tumor. The base of which is lodged deep within your brain.
Rudolph: Oh. Like a happy special...
Doctor: You're going to die.

Meg: Hey everybody, guess what I am.
Stewie: Well, the end result of a drunken back seat grope fest and a broken prophylactic?

Midget: (runs through the scene) Out of me way, they're after me lucky charms.
Quagmire: Heh heh, I paid him ten bucks to say it. Heh heh. Classic.

(A rabbi and a priest walk into a bar)
Rabbi: Hey, did you hear the one about us?

Announcer: We now return to The Smurfs
Smurf 1: Yo, you have a good time last night?
Smurf 2: Smurftacular!
Smurf 1: Yeah I saw you leave with Smurfette.
Smurf 2: Oh man, as soon as we got out of the bar, she started smurfing me.
Smurf 1: Shut the smurf up!
Smurf 2: Yeah!
Smurf 1: Right in the smurfin' parking lot?
Smurf 2: Smurf yeah!
Smurf 1: Oh that is freakin' smurf.
Smurf 2: You smurf it.
Smurf 1: That is freakin' smurf
Smurf 2: Yeah...

Lois (talking about Brian): Was, was he just mastur-
Peter: Yes.
Lois: Oh my.
Peter: Do we... do we rub his nose in it?

Motel Owner: This is the bathroom but watch out, we got some bad roaches here.
Roach 1: Hey! You're on our turf man.
Roach 2: Hey man, I... I cut you, I cut you up so bad, you, you gonna, you gonna wish I no cut you up so bad.
Brian: Those are bad roaches.
Motel Owner: I blame the schools.

Peter: Hey, c'mon Stewie. Your mom and I have something for you.
Stewie: Oh, let me guess. You picked out another colorful box with a crank that I'm supposed to turn and turn until, ooh, big schock, a jack pops out. And then you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.

Lois: What's going on down here?
Stewie: We're playing house.
Lois: But that boy is all tied up.
Stewie: (pause) Roman Polanski's house.

Stewie: Look at him, he runs like a Welsh-man! Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welsh-man?

Lois: Peter you said you weren't going to drink anymore! , are you drunk?
Peter: No i am just wrecked tired from sitting up drinking all night

Stewie: “I say Brian, three rows down. Is that Tom Bosley?
Brian: “What would Tom Bosley be doing on a train in Switszerland?
Stewie: “I’m, I’m almost certain… TOM!... Did he look?
Brian: “I dunno”
Stewie: “Well if I yell, you have to watch… TOM BOSLEY!...
Brian: “No, it’s not him

*Stewie’s Note: Dear Stupid Dog,
I’ve gone to live with the children on Jolly Farm, goodbye forever…Stewie. P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Ummm, I left the receipt on top of my bureau, I’m probably over the 30-day return limit, but, umm I’m sure if you make a fuss they’ll at least give you a store credit, or something. Umm, it’s actually not a horrible sweater, it’s just I can’t imagine when I’d ever wear it, you know? And I also left a button on the bureau, umm I’m not sure what it goes to but I can never bring myself to throw a button away because I know as soon as I do, I’ll find the garment it goes to, and then it’ll… Wait a minute, could it have actually been from the sweater? Is that where they have buttons? Hmmm. Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble, again goodbye forever. P.P.S. You know what, it might be a little chilly in London, I’m actually gonna take the sweater.

Brian: “Ok, all we’ve gotta do is find the American Embassy, and they’ll help us get home”
Stewie: “Home? I have no intention of returning to that disgusting hovel with that intolerable woman, that fat slob, and that insufferable dog… Oh, you’re right here aren’t you? Oh well, I stand by it.

Brian: “Yeah, about your pamphlet… Ahh, I’m not seeing anything about German history between 1939-1945, there’s just a big gap.
Tour Guide: Everyone was on vacation! On your left is Munich’s first city hall erected in 15…
Brian: “Wait, wait, wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939
Tour Guide: “We were invited! Punch was served! Check with Poland!”
Brian: “Well you can’t just ignore those years, Thomas Man fled to America because of Nazism’s strangle-hold on Germany”
Tour Guide: “No, he left to manage a Dairy Queen”
Brian: “A Dairy Queen, that’s preposterous.”
Tour Guide: “I will hear no more insinuations about the German people! Nothing bad happened!

Lois: Sweetie it's broccoli, now open up for the airplane. Stewie:NEVER! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers!

Peter(to lady): Ooo you smell good!

Lady: Oh no, that can't be me. I just farted.

Peter: Now kids, there will be no swimming unless there'e a lifeguard on duty. (laugh) Duty...Diaharea...Hey Lois, Diaharea.

Lois: (laugh) Peter, I'm holding ice tea!

Peter: Lois, When have I never been there for you?

*Peter and Lois driving down the street, Lois is driving when two thugs run up to the side of the car and put a gun to Lois' head.*

Thug 1: Get out of the car NOW!
Thug 2: You scream, you're dead.
Peter: Thanks for the ride lady
*Peter gets out and runs down the street*

Chris: They have this game where you stick in a dollar and you get four quarters! I WIN EVERYTIME!!!

Stewie on Kids Say the Darndest Things

Cosby: Stewie, now that's a funny name. It's like a stew only with a weeee at the end. (Audience Laughs)
Stewie: Hmm.
Cosby: Now I meant it's funny Stewie. See I used to have an uncle named Stewie and he used to sell bicylces.
Stewie: Look, look, I'm sorry, aren't you supposed to be asking me a question.
Cosby: Stewy, what do you think candy is made out of?
Stewie: Sunshine and Farts, what the hell kinda question is that?
Cosby: I love candy. When i was a little boy we used to play stickball!
Stewie: (long pause) Oh no, I'll wait.... Oh are you finished? No it's my fault really. I was under the impression the name of the show was 'Kids Say the Darndest Things', not 'Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up'.

Son: What's that?
Tom Tucker: Why, that's the planet Mercury. What it's doing so close to Earth I can't figure..
Peter: I'm a guy, jackass!

Bounty Commercial

peter: So you say bounty can can Clean this Yellow liquid up in 40 seconds

Rosie: hey wait

peter: 30 seconds?

Rosie: Just a minute

Peter: 20 Seconds?

Rosie: Is That??

Peter: Clean my Pee

Brian: Peter, I..I have something to tell you.
Peter: Ok...
Brian: I...I love Lois!!!
Peter: Oh My GOD!!! YOU CAN TALK!!!!

Quagmire Quotes

Quagmire: Hey, how old are you?
Girl: Sixteen.
Quagmire: Eightteen? Alright...

Quagmire: Are you a parking ticket? Cause you are fiiiine.

Quagmire: Hey, I'm not Fred Flinstone, but I can make your bed rock!

"Peter: Im looking for toilet training book?
Book store guy: everybody poops but you is still the standard one, we also have the less popular nobody poops but you.
Peter: see were catholic so uhhh?
Book store guy: oh then you want your a naughty child and thats nothing but pure concentrated evil coming out the back end of you.
Peter: perfect"

Lois: "Come on Peter, let's just settle down and enjoy your birthday... Look, you even got a card, it says "Happy birthday daddy.. love Stewie."

Stewie: "Wait wait, wait, let me see that... Did you forge my name?! Oh is that backwards "S" supposed to look CUTE?! Oh I'm crapping double for you tonight!

Brian:"Where are the bags?"
Stewie: "What the duece do you mean where are the bags, they're righ...RUPERT! I TOLD YOU TO WATCH THE BAGS! You were looking at the boys again, WEREN'T YOU. It's the that stewart isn't it! The one that looks like Tab Hunter!

Stewie: Hello, opereator, hello? Oh that's right, you have to dial in the numbers these...hmmm, I should know this, oh yes, 867-5309 that's it! No wait, that's not right...DAMN YOU TOMMY TUTONE! *sigh, well I guess there's only one way to find out... 111-1111, Lois? DAMN! 111-1112, Lois? DAMN! 111-1113, Lois? DAMN!

Stewie: "Ok ok, I've got one... Ok, there's 2 men standing at the Pearly Gates, and ummm... Oh how'd that one go again...Well, it ends up they're Siegfried & Roy..gosh, I'm really not that good at telling jokes.."

Man: It's A JACKAL! A JACKAL! IS IT A JACKAL?! JACKAL! IT LOOKS LIKE A JACKAL! JACKAL! IT'S A JACKAL!
Lady: Time!
Stewie: *bangs head on table "It wasn't Jackal the first time you said it, why the hell would it be one the next 10 times!..*knocks stuff over...GOD!

Lois: Peter, it's great they picked your theme, but isn't it a little...esoteric?
*goes inside Peter's head
Man #1:Could it mean sexy?
Man #2:I think it's a science term
Man #3:Fellas, fellas, esoteric means delicious
Peter: Lois, "Who's The Boss" is not a food!
Brian: Swing and a miss

stewie: trying to stop people from having sex is hard work. now i know how the catholic church feels. baZING!

*peter and Chris are on a hunting trip and are about to get attacked by a bear. peters life flashes before his eyes*

*shows peter as a kid*
teacher:sorry peter but you have not passed the 4th grade.

*shows peter a little older*
teacher: i'm sorry peter but you have not passed the 4th grade.

*shows peter as an adult*
teacher: congratulations peter, you have passed the 4th grade.
peter: thank god! i gotta go on this hunting trip with my son!

*peter is in a store pretending to play the keyboard when its actually playing by itself*

guy: hey, you're pretty good
*peter stops pretending, music keeps playing*
guy: wait. you're not even playing. you're just a phony! hey everyone! this guys a phony! a big fat phony!

guy randomly appears throughout the episode calling peter a phony.

Stewie: "Hey Rupert, the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary..oh you don't believe me..look it up! What, it really isn't? Oh Rupert...TOUCHE, hoisted by my own patard! hahaha..haha..aaaa...Ohh I need a life.."

Stewie: "Shhhh, shhh, shh, let me finish... The ONLY reason we die, is because we accept it as an inevitability.."

Olivia: You are the weakest link...GOODBYE!
Stewie: :Oh gosh that's funny. Do you write your own material? Do you because that's SO FRESH. You are the weakest link, goodbye! You know, I've never heard ANYONE make that joke before, hmmmm, you're the first. I've never heard anyone reference that outside the program before, because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link, goodbye! And, and yet you've taken that, and, and used it out of context to insult ME in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be...to come up with a joke like that, all by yourself. That's SO fresh too. Any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me as long as we're hitting these phenomena at their height of their popularity? Hmmm, because I, I'm right here. God you're SO FUNNY!"

gay old neighbor man "Guess whooo... sorry to leave u so many messages... just lonely here thinking 'bout the muscley arm paper boy...wishing he'd come by and bring me some good news... oh you're starting to piss me off you little piggly son of a bitch... call me!"

Stewie: "Dog look at me, look at me I'm smoking. Dog, dog, look, look. You know alcohol doesn't really make you warmer, in fact it constricts the blood vessels, causing..."
Brian: "Shut up"
Stewie: *gasp* The dog just told me to shut up! I demand to know what you plan to do about this! Hey, hey! The dog just told me..."
Lois: "Be quiet Stewie"
Stewie: "Freezing my nips off out here"

Cleveland: "That tickles me. Tickles me in a spot that if Loretta tickled me, I'd say "oh yeah, that's the spot'"

Peter: Well. your eyes are to close to your nose!
Plummer: so?
Peter: wait. I must draw you!!

Meg : I'm going to sit up in my room until i die !
Stewie : ok ill be up shortly

Peter: "Wanna put some suntan lotion on my already bronz back?"

Stewie: so may i sit there?
girl: i don't know are you gonna fart again?
stewie: ahahahaha.....wait thats not funny!
girl: hahahaha
stewie:yes yes.. well my moms here now...I'd love to stay and chat but your being a bitch

Chris: I'M SO AWKWARD!!

Random Dude: SMOKE. SMOKE. You smokin' yet?

Lois: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
Kool-Aid Guy: OH YEAH!

Lois: Why, WHY did I ever smoke pot while I was pregnant?

Stewie: Baby must suck ash! Baby must suck ash! No, not ass you pervert, save it for the intern.

Quagmire: Hello, 911? Yeah, it's me, Quagmire. It's in a window this time.

Meg: Uh, hi, do I know you?
Ugly Girl: some company hired me to stand around you all day to make you look better.
Meg: that's ridiculous. I don't need-
Guy: Hey Meg, did you get less ugly?
Meg (pulling girl closer): Yeah!

Lois: why did they make you president?
Peter: maybe because they were impressed by my ability to say all 50 states in a quater of a second: AAAH!

Guy 1: Ok, you show me the money and I'll show you the stuff.
Guy 2: No you show me the stuff and I'll show you the money.
Guy 1: No you show me the stuff and I'll show you the money.
Stewie: Oh would somebody please shut them... He's wearing a wire!!!
Guy 1: What the... Son of a... (lots of gun shots)

Peter:Now i am going to go microwave a bagle and have sex with it.

Quagmire: Butters in the fridge

(after peter steps in the grass)
Police officer: Hey you can't do that
Peter: Cant touch me
(cant touch this music plays)
peter: Ju..Ju..ju.. just like that bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2 i got Diplomatic immunity so hammer you can't sue...I can right Graffiti even jay walk in the street litter, loot, don't give a hoot even touch your sisters teet.
(peter starts break dancing)
Adam west: My god what is that man doing
Cleveland: I believe that's the worm
Peter: I'm a big shot there's no doubt light a fire then pee it out, Don't like it kiss my rump just for a second lets all do the bump
(peter and some other ppl start doing the "bump")
peter: Im presidential peter interns think I'm hot. I don't care if your handicapped ill still park in your spot......

STEWIE: do u know what today is? A BAD DAY TO BE A SPERM!!

STEWIE: day 171 it seems that i have sprouted another finger. including the one from yesterday, I'm up to eleven.

STEWIE: hi I'm Stewie. big fan (saying this to death)

STEWIE: my email address is loismustdie, all one word, at yahoo.com

Mental Institution Lady: "I'm not seeing you on list. I'm beginning to think you are not even registered here. What's your name sir?"
Peter: "My name...uhhhh *sees a pea-pod.. pea..*sees a tear..tear...pea-tear..*griffin flies across the room..griffin..yeah.. Peter Griffin..oh crap.."

Peter: I took a sketching class
(in the class, looks at the girl next to him by the nude model) Do I, Do i have to sketch the penis?
Peter: Then i took a sculpting class
(in the class, looks over at the guy next to him by another nude model) Do I, Do I have to sculpt the penis?
Peter: And i took a conducting class
(on the podium, looks at lady cello player) Do I, Do I have to conduct with my penis?

peter: i don't take coupons from chickens no more, not after last time
(flashback)
Peter: and that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon
Saleslady: sir, this coupon has expired
Peter: SON OF A
(chicken fight)
Peter: chicken...gave me a bad coupon...