Law Dog

HANDCUFFS ARE CLICKED
HANDGUNS ARE FIRED
IF YOU RUN FROM ME, YOU'LL ONLY DIE TIRED




This world is an uncertain realm, filled with danger
Honor undermined by the pursuit of power
Freedom sacrificed when the weak are oppressed by the strong
But, there are those who oppose these powerful forces
Who dedicate their lives to truth, honor and freedom
These people are known as Police Officers

YES, I AM NOT ONLY LAW DOG, I AM TOP LAW DOG, AND I AM EVERYWHERE!!..OOPS!!!





BEWARE EVIL DOERS.......EVERYWHERE!!!!
Thats right folks, when you hear that faithful battle cry, you know that TOP LAW DOG is on his way. Look! There in the bushes, stalking like a hungry lion, that crazed look in his eye, that bit of thick saliva coming from the corner of his mouth, that hand slowly petting his Glock .357, I think it's, oh no! could it be? Yes!!! Its TOP LAW DOG. Bow wow wow, yippie yo, yippie yeah!!! You know, one look at me, and all the little boys must wonder.....What it must be like to strap on a gun, pin on a badge, and become...... A LAWMAN!!!!!



Some Things NOT To Say When Pulled Over By The Police:

When they knock on the window that you have not rolled down yet, don't say "Who's there?" We will NOT think that this is very funny.

If they ask "Are you drinking tonight?" DON'T say "Sure! Are you buying?" Again, not funny.

Do not EVER say "Didn't I see you getting your butt kicked on COPS the other night?"



A Few Things We Would Like To Say In Response To The Questions Often Asked Of Us On A Traffic Stop:

"Well, yes ma'am. I should be out catching bank robbers, but that could be very dangerous, so I think I'll just play it safe and write you this citation instead."

"Well, you see sir, that stolen pistol in your glove compartment and the severed head in your trunk DOES make you a criminal."

"No, I am MUCH tougher without this badge and gun."

"No, we do not have a quota for writing tickets, we can write as many as we want."

So you're the one that pays my salary, I need to talk to you about some overtime you forgot to put on my last check!



JOKE FOR YOU

There are three police officers and a lawyer sitting around a table in a bar.
The first police officer is from England, the second is from France, and the third is from Detroit. The lawyer is from....well who cares anyway, huh?
Well, the police officer from England finishes his pint of ale, throws it up in the air, and shoots the glass and yells "Long live the queen!"
After the police officer from France sees this, he decides that he can't let the Englishman out do him, so he finishes his glass of wine, throws it up in the air and shoots it and yells "Viva La France!"
Well now, the police officer from Detroit is not about to let these two visiting police officers show him up, so he guzzles down the last of his Pabst Blue ribbon, brakes the bottle over the head of the lawyer and shoots him twice in the chest and says "Boys, it just doesn't get any better than this!!"

If you are in a room with Adolf Hitler, the unibomber and a defense attorney, and you only had two bullets in your gun, who would you shoot?

This is easy, I would shoot the defense attorney.........twice



You Need A New Lawyer When...

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

7. A prison guard is shaving your head.

8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."

12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"

14. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

15. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."

16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."

17. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

*******************************************************

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.



DISCLAIMER: No Lawyers Were Injured In The Making Of This Page



More Things NOT To Say When Pulled Over By The Police:

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
{Ok in Texas}

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

Are You Andy or Barney?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

I pay your salary!

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

This was actually said to a Detective investigating a burglary. The perp said "If my fingerprints were found in that house, I did not put them there!" This guy was dead serious... I think this deserves an honorable mention on this page, don't you? The guy was convicted, of course, imagine that!



When The Lord Was Creating Peace Officers

When the Lord was creating peace officers, he was into his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."

And the Lord said, "Have you read the spec on this order? A peace officer has to be able to run five miles through alleys in the dark, scale walls, enter homes the health inspector wouldn't touch, and not wrinkle his uniform.

"He has to be able to sit in an undercover car all day on a stakeout, cover a homicide scene that night, canvass the neighborhood for witnesses, and testify in court the next day.

"He has to be in top physical condition at all times, running on black coffee and half-eaten meals. And he has to have six pairs of hands."

The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands... no way."

"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord, "it's the three pairs of eyes an officer has to have."

"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.

The Lord nodded. One pair that sees through a bulge in a pocket before he asks, "May I see what's in there, sir?" (When he already knows and wishes he'd taken that accounting job.) "Another pair here in the side of his head for his partners' safety. And another pair of eyes here in front that can look reassuringly at a bleeding victim and say, 'You'll be all right ma'am, when he knows it isn't so."

"Lord," said the angel, touching his sleeve, "rest and work on this tomorrow."

"I can't," said the Lord, "I already have a model that can talk a 250 pound drunk into a patrol car without incident and feed a family of five on a civil service paycheck."

The angel circled the model of the peace officer very slowly, "Can it think?" she asked.

"You bet," said the Lord. "It can tell you the elements of a hundred crimes; recite Miranda warnings in its sleep; detain, investigate, search, and arrest a gang member on the street in less time than it takes five learned judges to debate the legality of the stop... and still it keeps its sense of humor.

This officer also has phenomenal personal control. He can deal with crime scenes painted in hell, coax a confession from a child abuser, comfort a murder victim's family, and then read in the daily paper how law enforcement isn't sensitive to the rights of criminal suspects."

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the peace officer. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model."

"That's not a leak," said the lord, "it's a tear."

"What's the tear for?" asked the angel.

"It's for bottled-up emotions, for fallen comrades, for commitment to that funny piece of cloth called the American flag, for justice."

"You're a genius," said the angel.

The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there," he said.





How To Make A Police Officer Cry

Would you like to see him bury his face in his hands, bawl like a baby and slam his fist into the side of his patrol car? It's easy

Start by refusing to listen to your wife when she suggests that she drive. Don't be a whimp. Assert yourself. Say, "Aw heck, I can drive better with a few beers under my belt than you can cold sober."

Twenty minutes later you are standing in the dark on the side of the highway with broken glass and spilled gasoline around. Your wife is screaming, pinned beneath the jagged edges of twisted metal.

Your two year old daughter is silent. Your six year old son is sprawled face down 30 feet away

The Officer smells the alcohol on your breath when you try to explain, and he's not gentle as he pushes you into the patrol car and tells you to shut up

Then he turns his attention to what's left of your family and your car

Congratulations. You've made a Police Officer cry.



There was a biker group on a beach one day, playing with their Harley Davidson's when the leader looked up on a hill and saw a Police officer.
He quickly recognized him to be the one that arrested him and sent him to prison for 5 years.
He then called on his biggest, baddest biker and told him to go up on that hill and kill that pig up there.
The mindless biker followed instructions, and rode his bike up the hill, screaming all the way. A few minutes later, the motorcycle came tumbling back down the hill, followed by the dead body of the biker.
The leader was shocked, but called a few more bikers over to him. This time, he sent four bikers up the hill after the Police officer.
A few minutes later, four motorcycles came over the hill, followed by four dead bikers.
Now, the leader was furious, and sent the rest of his gang up the hill. Minutes later, a flury of motorcycles came tumbling down the hill, followed by their now dead riders.
One rider, however, managed to get down the hill alive. He came crawling over the the leader, barely holding onto his life and said "It's a trap!!!!
There are TWO of them!!!!!"



Murphy's Law For Police Officers

New uniforms and ties attract catsup and gravy stains.

Court will be scheduled in the middle of your days off.

Hot calls will only come over the air 10 minutes before the end of your shift.

You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station.

Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud.

The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke.

Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boom-Boom".

If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for direction.

Coffee machines only brake down on the graveyard shift.

Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts.

To error is human, to forgive is against department policy.

You will find a "police discount" one day before payday.

Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.

You will remain in perfect health until your days off.

Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you.

No patrol car assigned to you will be clean and never have a full tank of gas.

The oldest squad car won't be retired. It will be assigned to you.

Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day.

Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.

Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff.

You will score no higher than fourth on a promotion exam with only three positions.

If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.

The speed you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer.

Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy.

Bullet proof vests might be.

Your portable radio will never fail until you are involved in a foot pursuit.

Vehicle pursuits always progress from areas of low traffic density to high traffic density.

Your pen will only run out of ink when you are ready to write a ticket.

NCIC will be down anytime you see a car listed on a hot sheet.

Old squad cars never die, they just smell that way.

You will never get a bomb threat call until the squad is away on training.

The experience of your DA is inversely proportional to the importance of the case he is prosecuting. Word processors only delete reports when they are nearly done.

Your bullet proof vest was supplied by the lowest bidder.

You receive a subpoena for a major felony case for the first day of your paid for, non-refundable vacation.

In a physical confrontation involving more than one officer, any impact weapon used will strike cops more times than crooks.

Your squad car will only break down when you are outside your beat.

Waterproof boots aren't.

Freebees will only arrive at the station on your days off.

There is an inverse relationship between the number of auto club stickers on a rear bumper and how well the person drives.

You are ALWAYS downwind from pepper spray.

To err is human, just do it in front of as few people as possible!

Anyone that flirts with you on-duty won't even recognize you off-duty.

The hardest job for a Hostage Negotiator is to negotiate with the crisis committee!

No one's idea is a good idea until it becomes another's idea...usually the Chief's

If your patrol car's air is out the suspect will smell worse than a wet dog.

When your in a hurry, that is when all slow and "lack of attention" drivers are driving on the road.

You always have a big use of force on your Friday before your vacation.

Never respond to a domestic with anyone braver than you

If your raid is going well, you're at the wrong house

The one time you cuss on the radio, your chief will be listening

Your overheads and siren will only fail during a pursuit

K-9 unites only do stupid thing's in public

You will be decorated for stupidity, and busted for brilliant work.

When closing the Sally Port door, if a fellow officers car is under it pushing the stop button will only slow it down.



Well, Mr. Citizen, it seems you've figured me out. I seem to fit neatly into the category where you've placed me. I'm stereotyped, standardized, characterized, classified, grouped, and always typical.
Unfortunately, the reverse is true. I can never figure you out.

From birth you teach your children that I'm the bogeyman, then you're shocked when they identify with my traditional enemy...the criminal!

You accuse me of coddling criminals...until I catch your kids doing wrong.

You may take an hour for lunch and several coffee breaks each day, but point me out as a loafer for having one cup.

You pride yourself on your manners, but think nothing of disrupting my meals with your troubles.

You raise cain with the guy who cuts you off in traffic, but let me catch you doing the same thing and I'm picking on you.

You know all the traffic laws...but you've never gotten a single ticket you deserve.

You shout "foul" if you observe me driving fast to a call, but raise the roof if I take more than ten seconds to respond to your complaint.

You call it part of my job if someone strikes me, but call it police brutality if I strike back.

You wouldn't think of telling your dentist how to pull a tooth or your doctor how to take out an appendix, yet you are always willing to give me pointers on the law.

You talk to me in a manner that would get you a bloody nose from anyone else, but expect me to take it without batting an eye.

You yell something's got to be done to fight crime, but you can't be bothered to get involved.

You have no use for me at all, but of course it's OK if I change a flat for your wife, deliver your child in the back of the Patrol car, or perhaps save your son's life with mouth-to-mouth breathing, or work many hours overtime looking for your lost daughter.

So, Mr. Citizen, you can stand there on your soapbox and rant and rave about the way I do my work, calling me every name in the book, but never stop to think that your property, family, or maybe even your life depends on me or one of my buddies.

Yes, Mr. Citizen, it's me...the lousy cop!

The author of this article was Trooper Mitchell Brown of the Virginia State Police. He was killed in the line of duty two months after writing the article.









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Links To My Other Pages

Memorial..In Memory of Fallen Officers and Fireman on Sept. 11, 2001

The Final Inspection..A Tribute To Fallen Officers

"How To Be A Successful Criminal 101"